Is self harm ever the lesser evil?

[Kefira]

It's been over a year since I last self harmed. I stopped mostly because of the stigma/other people's opinions, but partially because at the time I recognized I was escalating in severity and needed to find other outlets. Benefit began to outweigh risk.

Currently, I am socially isolated (partially by external situations I can't change), dealing with an unstable relationship, going into my bad time of year for anniversaries, starting school in fall, and my father is coming to visit for over a week. Soon.

I'm being aware of the fact that I may be rationalizing/minimizing. But here's the thing: my cutting is a learned behavior from my abuser. It's a punishment mechanism, and I basically internalized that without physical harm, a blame cycle couldn't end. Right now, I'm verbally abusing myself mentally for days on end. That can't be healthy either. And at the moment, I don't have the coping skills/support network to get out of the cycle.

So my question is, even though it's a bad coping mechanism, do you think there's ever a situation in which self harm is the best option? It's not as though I'm seeking permission to take steps backwards, but I'd really like to find out if anyone else has found themselves in the position of being very low on tools in the coping box and had to make lesser evil choices because they simply weren't in a space to use their better skills. What I'm doing now is causing serious harm, it's just not physical so it's not as measurable/others won't react negatively.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I've done that. At one point when I chose to consciously stop drinking a lot, and I was in stable relationship(so I couldn't cope by flirting with random people to prove I was okay)....And I wasn't okay+had no proper way to get better coping skills...so I developed the habit of watching a lot to avoid bad feelings. While I don't do it constantly I still do it a lot. I think it's okay to choose the lesser harm if you have no alternatives. That's making sure you get to the part where you can learn better coping skills, in better shape. So...makes sense from survival stand point, even it it's not healthy.
That being said I just started therapy, and I wish I had done than 2 years ago, and not waited until things got this bad. I hope the T teaches me some better coping skills soon.

 

[Kefira]

I'm working on actually finding a trauma specialist- I've had around 7 years of therapy off and on but never really processed the trauma well. But it's taking time and there have been a couple mis-starts. I'm hoping maybe once I start school I can find someone with appropriate specialization through the University. And when I'm not in active crisis I seem to do reasonably well with other coping mechanisms. I have two bad times a year for a couple months each where everything piles on, and this one is worse than normal with my dad's visit and a bunch of interpersonal stuff deciding to flare up at exactly the wrong time. So it makes sense logically that I'm struggling more, but it's still disconcerting.

It's weird when you know the better coping skills but situationally everything is so out of hand they aren't working.

 

[OrganicRobot]

I think it is important to understand why self harm happens and the source isn't in the physical self-harm... but the mental. This belief that you aren't worthy of love and compassion even towards yourself. Someone put that belief in your brain and it wasn't you. And the belief that you are to blame for others behaviors, and so to end the blame cycle you punish yourself now instead of them punishing you anymore. Most likely the more severe punishments of any sort have subsided or are more rare. Because you're bigger and stronger now, and these other individuals have to contend with some older now. It is more scary to go up against a peer compared to a child.

Positive self-affirmations are the hardest thing to do when you've gotten so far as to even physical harm yourself. And some physical self harm isn't as evident. Working out until you are exhausted is physical self harm as well. I started reading this book called The Tao of Fully Feeling: Harvesting Forgiveness Out of Blame by Pete Walker. I can't begin to explain how well categorized and through, yet understanding and simple his writing is. And I've read a lot of self help books and articles in my life time.

I think it is a good idea to rework your belief system about yourself and appropriate the blame to where it actually belongs. I've noted getting out of denial and reworking basic beliefs are usually the first steps of recovery or any sort of emotional comfort/relief.

 

[Anrish]

I don't think self harm is ever the best alternative.

I used to do self harm also a long time ago. If there's so much steam inside my, I try to do sports until my muscles are sore. ...the pressure is gone and your body hurt but there are not traces.

It's hard to explain for me I hope I was able to verbalize what I wanted to say. :notworthy:

And I totally agree with @OrganicRobot . You're worth not being hurt - not even by yourself.

 

[Sideways]

Two things I've learned about my own self-harm:

First, it's addictive. Much easier to not start at all, than to stop once I've started. Hate healthier coping mechanisms like exercise, but if I'm honest with myself, they actually help my headspace, which self-harm doesn't.

Second, like any addiction, my brain will go to great lengths to try and persuade me that a little self-harm now is okay, helpful, better than the alternatives, etc. Actually, the alternative is to take care of myself. And that hurts. But it's what I actually need to do.

Just my experience.

 

[Friday]

Absolutely.

The whole "I'd rather die than _______." is the biggest load of BS my brain has ever presented me with.

Anything short of death, is better than death.

That said? My 3 nuclear grounding tools / coping mechanisms are not healthy, not smart, not something I want to go back to. And I will go to rather long lengths to avoid them. But I won't avoid them to the point of suicide.

 

[OrganicRobot]

Actually, the alternative is to take care of myself. And that hurts. But it's what I actually need to do.

Yes this. It can hurt immensely to take care of one's self... because you realize how much you've been let down and how painful that knowledge is. I think a lot of us avoid taking care of ourselves, just to avoid the terrible truth and pain from it.

Sadly, it may take just as much as pain the original pain to heal ourselves. And that hurts.

 

[Anarchy]

I think it can be a lesser evil

But, It comes with big risks attached, like going too deep, hitting an artery(messy and dangerous), causing permenant harm to ligaments, getting septicaemia (that can be fatal in a few hours)
and as Ragdoll noted, it's addictive.

What does it do for you?
does it numb you out?
does it snap you back to the present?

While you are still off SH, it would be good to ask about alternative, non para-suicidal methods for achieving the effect you expect from SH
Distraction, exercise, grounding etc

If you are using SH to achieve a dissociated endorphin laden numbing, would cutting up some bloody meat that isn't you, trigger it? something like cutting up a whole fish from a fish mongers, or an eyeball from an abattoir?

for grounding to the present, what about strong smells, an elastic band on your wrist to twang, eating a hot chilli or curry?

 

[EveHarrington]

IMHO the only time that self harm is the lesser evil is when the greater evil is suicide/death.

 

[GrayOwl]

Everything in life has choices. Many choices.
When I am determined to be depressed I only allow myself the few "worst" choices. And I say "That's all there is - A or B". The other choices are still there. My depression doesn't allow me to acknowledge them. Or act on them.
But, I CAN CHANGE THAT. I have to. Or I will die. I don't want to die.
When I go depressive I don't cut. I drink. Obsessively for days or weeks or months. I isolate. I become neglectful or worse - abusive.
Whether one is pulling the blade across ones' skin or I am numbing my emotions with alcohol, the desired effect is still the same. I want to escape. To run away. To that place where I don't hurt. And I don't snap out of it until I have few alternatives. I'm broke, destitute, alone again. Then I still have all the same problems - only I've tried to drive away all my support mechanisms - sometimes too successfully. Sometimes permanently.
You can cut(A). Or you can verbally abuse yourself(B). Please don't do that. I don't want you to. You are too important. And you are special.
Or you can reach out(C):tup:! It has amazing results.
You can admit(D). Thank you for posting. You did.
I haven't drank in a long time. Yet I'm sitting here doing my (B) - my lesser of two evils - wallowing, hurting. Feeling so sorry for myself. I have to be out of town for a few days - alone, away from family and friends and support mechanisms. I'm having to deal with my worst most difficult stressors today - and my triggers are all in full force.
All day was one of the first times in years I wanted to give up. Everything on earth was stupid and I hated it.
That's not me. I don't like being here. I want to find a way to change that.
I read your post. I sat here for quite a while. Thinking. I'm feeling the same things you are. I get so overwhelmed. Nothing is so different today than it was 48 hours ago other than my perception of how things are. 48 hours ago I was happy. I really was. Things looked fine. No big deals.
Where did my mind go? Why did things change? Why does NOTHING seem right today? I don't have the tools to analyze or know all that. But I do have the ability to know that this isn't where I want to be, isn't where I want to stay, and isn't a good place to hang around.
The people that have already answered you on this thread wrote answers for me too. I'm going to go work out just a little bit - it hurts like hell but does improve my injury and make me feel better.
Like Ragdoll said: "Help my headspace". It hurts but I need to do it.
Like Robot said: "The belief that you aren't worthy of love and compassion even towards yourself". I'm not gonna punish myself for thoughts that somebody else burned into my brain. THANK YOU ROBOT. But this takes constant work and reminders and reprogramming. I need to refocus my mind on positives even when I don't want to. I don't like feeling like this.

I have to work overnight. I have to interact with an abuser overnight. But before I go I'll call a supportive friend, go work out briefly, eat some comfort foods - and NO ALCOHOL. It's fine for other people - it's just not a good relief valve for me. But I have to keep working on this - working on flushing out the fear and negatives. Replace them with positive train of thought, goals, direction. Repeat. Repeat.

There's so much more good content that has already been written above on this thread. Thank you all.
Especially thank you Kefira.

Yes, if you want to limit yourself to only two choices, take the lesser of two evils. But please, if you can dig and find another choice - find a "good". You did. You shared. It helped me more than you imagine. Thank you.
I hope you find the best choice available for you. I hope you realize you are special to a lot of people and you can get through tough times and even a visit from Dad. It'll be ok. It will. Repeat. Repeat.
Let us know how things go for you.
Big:hug: !!!
Thanks again ---- everybody.

 

[Freespirit1974]

It's been over a year since I last self harmed. I stopped mostly because of the stigma/other people's op...

@Kefira: Have you ever done a loving kindness meditation. It works for some people, but it came seem really route and boring for others. Here is one:
May I be filled with loving kindness
May I be well
May I be peaceful and at ease
May I be happy

It is really route, but if you say it out loud to you, when you want relief, it may help. In my better days, I used to have a date night with myself. Weird I know. I would treat myself with a wonderful dinner. I would have a 5 course dinner that I served myself and have cards that each had a mantra of love or peace.