General Massive Anxiety Attack, Oh Goody

[Wastinglight]

Thanks @scout86 for your advice in helping me better clarify my thinking on this.

The way things work in our relationship, is that both of us feel fairly comfortable telling the other person what they need, and if something is bothering us. I always try to listen hard when he expresses his feelings, and do my best to support him and change my behaviour accordingly - if that is appropriate. He does likewise, almost all of the time. He is very sensitive - he picks up very quickly if I'm upset or unhappy, and presses me to tell him what's wrong. He likes to sort stuff out then and there. So he does pay attention to my needs and my feelings, and I do believe that he tries his best to make me happy.

I trust my guy enough to be fairly certain that he's not currently doing anything that he knows would really upset or hurt me if I found out about it. I think that at this stage, he is committed enough to this relationship to not want to do something stupid.

I have identified a number of reasons why I still feel nervous in this relationship:
- This is still a pretty new relationship. We've really on been on a solid footing for about 3-4 months. Things were pretty rocky at the start, because he had a lot of external stressors at the time. Plus, I suspect he took a while to decide that he really was ready for a relationship. So I still haven't quite gotten over the abandonment issues that he stirred up, when he pushed me away at the start. And I feel that we missed out on that intense bonding that usually happens at the start of a relationship.
- Sometimes I worry that maybe some of our values are different. I think it's cheating to surf dating sites once you're in a committed relationship. But maybe he doesn't. Maybe he thinks it's harmless fun, as long as he doesn't hook up with anyone.
- The thing that bothers me about the dating profile thing specifically - the first time I asked him to take a profile down, he agreed that it wasn't appropriate to still have it up (he said he'd forgotten about it), and said he would be concerned if I still had a profile up. But the second time I asked him to take it down (because a few weeks had passed and he hadn't taken it down yet), he suddenly started back-peddling and making excuses for why he hadn't taken it down yet, as if he suddenly didn't think it was a big deal. Admittedly, he did seem flustered when I confronted him the second time and he kind-of just started talking really fast and seemed really nervous. I suppose it's possible that he behaved like this because he doesn't deal with conflict situations well (that is definitely true) and he felt awkward and guilty for not making it a priority and therefore upsetting me. Or maybe he really didn't want to take it down (even though he hadn't logged in to that profile since before we started going out, so I know he wasn't using it). Maybe getting messages from girls was a confidence boost for him (even though he wasn't responding), or maybe he felt he needed to 'keep his options open' in case things didn't work out with us. It's impossible to know.
- And the real biggie for me is: I still haven't reconciled some stuff from my last relationship. In particular, I have never been able to reconcile that my ex was always so affectionate and loving and always wanted to spend time with me BUT he lied and cheated and was a total jerk in other ways too. So my brain has come to the conclusion that just because your partner says/does X (X=lovely things that usually mean they love you and are committed to you), doesn't mean he isn't ALSO doing Y (Y=horribly nasty thing like cheating or lying). They're not mutually exclusive in my book, simply because my experience has SHOWN me they're not. At least where some people are concerned.

What I do know for sure is that most of this fear is generated internally. My trust issues need a lot of work. But it's sometimes really hard to work out whether a specific fear is coming from me, or because he's doing something that throws up a red flag. Just because I'm paranoid, doesn't mean that he's not up to something...

Sometimes reading on this forum makes my fears worse. Because, even though cheating isn't a symptom of PTSD, there are plenty of cases on this forum where supporters have expressed their shock that their partner has acted inappropriately, because they believe it's not in that person's nature. So yeah, PTSD isn't the cause of the cheating, but it DOES change things, so it's seem likely that it is a contributing factor in some cases, even though it's not an excuse.

Sorry, that was waaaay longer than I had intended it to be. I'm hoping that by writing it all out, this might help me sort out my feelings on the matter.

Any and all comments welcome as always :)

 

[Wastinglight]

Ugh! I don't know why I'm so nervous about bringing this up with him! I guess, things have been going reasonably well lately, so I feel like I'm rocking the boat bringing this up. Plus I'm worried that, if the conversation goes bad, that this will be the end for us. And I don't want it to be.

Okay - pep talk for myself:

No, it's not great that he still has dating profile(s) up on the web. But there's every chance that he has an acceptable reason for it. Like, it's 8 years old and he didn't know it was still up.

Worst case scenario - maybe he has still been surfing these sorts of sites. He might believe it's just harmless fun to look, but not touch. The thing is, even if he does have coping mechanisms or other habits that are undesirable, you should be able to talk it out with him. It’s only fair to raise it with him, and give him the opportunity to put forward his side of the story, and make changes/assurances/whatever as appropriate.

You don’t have to be scared about this, girl. I know it’s a little unpleasant having to bring this stuff up, but if he really IS committed to the relationship, then he should be willing to work on these sorts of issues with you. This might even be an opportunity to grow closer to each other and deepen your trust in him.

 

[Sighs]

oh the joy of relationship communication... if things are going well - I don't want to bring up this sh*t... if things are going badly - I really don't want to bring up this sh*t... and so it festers til it bubbles out at the worst possible time...

probably why I haven't managed to get more than a few years out of each relationship...

 

[Wastinglight]

if things are going well - I don't want to bring up this sh*t... if things are going badly - I really don't want to bring up this sh*t... and so it festers til it bubbles out at the worst possible time...

Yep, same goes with me.

Enforcing boundaries is somehow really scary for me. Probably why I didn't enforce them at all in my last relationship.... :rolleyes:

But, I've promised myself I won't make the same mistakes again that I made last time.

And the bottom line is, if I'm going to be in a committed relationship with this guy, we need to be on the same page. If we don't share the same values, then I would rather know now, before I move in with him.

Of course, every single other time I've had a massive freak-out about the prospect of broaching this sort of issue with him so far, it's turned out to be a total non-event, and everything was resolved easily with no problems! So I probably don't need to be quite this worried about it. Damn my anxiety! Every molehill becomes a mountain in my head...

 

[Wastinglight]

Well, I brought it up with him. At an inopportune time unfortunately, but can't be helped.

I won't say it was a fun conversation. It went the way i expected it to. There was no yelling or nastiness. There never is with us. I didnt make accusations, i calmly asked my questions and i believed his answers.

He's gone to bed now. We said I love you before he went. I am left feeling like a piece of shit, as I should. An untrusting sneak. I let my anxiety get the better of me, yet again

He seemed really sad and a bit offended during the conversation, like he couldn't believe I would bring this stuff up again when he thought it was sorted.

I hope we are still okay. Now that I feel reassured, I hope I can move past it. I hope i haven't broken something between us. I think he would be justified in pullng away from me now. My anxiety is a burden on our relationship. I guess time will tell.

 

[Friday]

I hope we are still okay. Now that I feel reassured, I hope I can move past it. I hope i haven't broken something between us. I think he would be justified in pullng away from me now. My anxiety is a burden on our relationship. I guess time will tell.

Yep. & So is PTSD. & So are crazy ex-husbands/wives. & So are job losses, or travel jobs, or jobs whose hours suck, or jobs that pay lousy. & So are inLaws sometimes (sometimes, usually, sometimes ;)). & So are kids no matter how much you love them. & So are physical health issues from a sprained ankle to a bad back to cancer. & & &

We all of us come with our burdens. Some are light, some are heavy. Some are long standing, other surprise us by leaping up out of nowhere and slapping in the face with a fish! Some are with us for the long haul, and some are transient, and some are cyclic.

Truth: Any of our issues, personality traits, burdens, joys are justifiable reasons for the other person to pull out. That's part of what dating is: learning about what we can handle, want to handle. What we can't.

I talk sometimes about everyone's "scales". No matter the 'thing' we're either going to
Love it
Like it
Don't care one way or the other
Tolerate it
Dislike it
Can't abide it

We've all got those scales, you know? And they're superimposed on top of our priorities list. Case in point? I cannot abide both cruelty to animals & spiders. But I have them at different places on my priorities list. If I find a partner abuses his animals? That's it. Done. Finis. If I find out a partner has a pet spider? I can maybe work with that one. It's not a deal breaker. At least, not off the cuff. It depends on how we handle it. Conversely, my loathing spiders may be something he finds cute (likes it), or it may wound him to the quick, and is something he just cannot tolerate in a partner. Lining up those scales & priorities, ya know?

In dating... There have been people who have loved, liked, didn't bother them, tolerated, disliked, or couldn't abide my PTSD. & My ADHD. & my "everything". Your anxiety? Yeah. That's something he may not be able to handle. Can't tolerate it. Or it may be something he cannot abide; hates what it does to you, and to him, and the two of you....Or it may be something he likes: sees how strong you are, how brave you have to be, how easily you can understand him, and what a benefit it is to your relationship. Or maybe he loves it, for your bravery & his being able to lend his strength.

Peace. & Breathe. You are yourself. Both your having anxiety AND the work that you do to fit it into your life in a way you can live with. Both parts. Whether he loves that about you, tolerates it, or cannot deal with it... Isn't on you. You've taken care of your side of the street. And, you're dead in the black, time will tell where his side of the street lines up with yours. Tranquillo. You're doing your best, and doing a damn fine job of it.

 

[joeylittle]

@Wastinglight, I have a nearly-useless but possibly important thing to just encourage. Regardless of the last time he had sex with anyone else, it's a solid idea to have both of you tested for STDs. It's not really a trust thing. It's a practicality thing. I'm going to bet you'll want to wait before bringing it up - but you could even just go and get your own done, if you've not had it done in awhile.

Not coming from a finger-wagging place, just a really practical one that is a lot easier to ignore than the psychological fears of him having been on hook-up sites - but it's actually the one that matters to your long term health.

 

[Wastinglight]

Thanks @FridayJones. I read your post before I went out to say good morning to him, and it really bolstered my confidence, so cheers. I am so glad that I nutted this out here on the forum before taking action, and I really feel like I have reached a new level of self acceptance in the process. I am a lot less fearful, and I feel that I have made my boundaries clear. I am proud of myself for approaching the issue in a calm and kind manner.

And thank you @joeylittle. Yes, I was thinking of doing this too. I truly appreciate everyone's input.

We had a quick chat about it again this morning. I think we are okay. :-)