Moving On From Financial Abuse

[JiHyo]

Hello wonderful fellow posters. I have been thinking over something lately. I am a recent college graduate with loan payments sitting over my head. Quite wonderfully I have been accepted into graduate school and will be going in the fall. For the short time between my graduation and graduate school I have decided to live at home with my parents to save money, see my dogs, and get my things from the house before I move out. The problem has been that my parents are financially abusive. How much money I receive is based on how much I "respect" them. At times for my lack of "disrespect" they have threatened to beat me, kick me out of the house, and not allow me to eat as well as they have forced me to pay back for things such as food and medicine.

My questions are this. How does one deal with a financial abuser? Emotionally and practically? Is the threat of being thrown out of the house and forced to pay for everything usually get followed up on?

Also, how does one cut themselves off from their financial abuser and do so in a way which does not ruin their financial future?

 

[NIKI]

how does one cut themselves off from their financial abuser

Don't take their money. Get a job and be free from them.

 

[JiHyo]

To Niki. I probably should have put this in my original post. My parents also own all my bonds that I inherited from my grandfather. Should I cash in all my bonds now and then just jump free from them? I am also worried about not being able to pay for rent during graduate school even if I do get a job.

 

[JohnJacobson]

I feel for you, dude.

It's hard to start oneself in today's economy, especially once we become dependent on parental handouts.

If you have bonds, I'd say cash them, get a low rent place, and then try to look for a minimum wage job or general labour job, something to tide you over, until you get something you like. It's gonna be hard, financially, but you'll be away from your parents.

Your money is your money.

My parents spent all of my bonds, and all the bar mitzvah money, I had in my name. All of it was spent of expensive treatments to try to get me to stop smoking weed...so I'm kinda screwed in that department.

I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Even if you walk away with $0 you're not "ruining" your financial future.

Someone else (philipa?) recently posted about walking away from $. It's really quite easy. You either put up with their abuse with the incentive of a future payout or you walk away and put your health first.

 

[Hashi]

I might have a slightly different view. My family use money for manipulation, and it was important for me to get away from that but it was also important for me to be financially secure.

I'm not clear whether you're talking about the short term until you go to graduate school, or if this is about the next few years when you study. I would think carefully about cashing in bonds if its for the short term. Maybe there are other things you can do, or you can manage the situation enough to make it bearable for you while it lasts. If it's for your education, then that would be a direct investment and it might be a more clear cut decision to make.

Either way, I would suggest focussing on ways to support yourself as much as you can. If this is likely to be an issue for the next few years, you might want to think about what work you can do while at graduate school and how you can minimise your spending. When I was studying I did three jobs and I was almost always studying or working. I went out one evening every two weeks and that was it. But it was worth it to have my own income. I took a year out during my studies and that was partly so I could work more and save money for the remainder of my course.

Thinking about the bonds, I don't know what the financial set up is where you are, but it's usually better to pay off loans rather than keep savings/capital - unless they are preferential loans that change that.

I wouldn't suddenly cut yourself off if you don't have an alternative source of income set up yet. I wouldn't rush to cash in your bonds if it's for the next few months, this might be the right thing to do but give it some thought first. I would work on getting a reliable income in place as soon as you can and then make the move away (and live frugally!).

 

[anthony]

What does this have to do with PTSD? This doesn't even meet the criteria for PTSD, let alone suffice as abnormally traumatic.

 

[JiHyo]

To JohnJacobson: Thank you for understanding. Right now it is just for the short term that I am living with them. I am planning on keeping in touch only until I move into graduate school. What is keeping me tied is that I am trying to just bear through it right now until I get the bonds.

to ScaredofLonley: I will try to look up that post. I think it would help me.

Hashi: My original plan was just to put up with this for a few months in order to get my bonds, get my identification papers here, save some money and then cut them off once I get to graduate school. My graduate school is being funded (which I am so thankful and lucky for) but right now I would rather not drain the meager savings I have in order to just find a place until I find a job for only 4 months. I would rather use what savings I have to pay for the rent at my graduate school, as well as the cost for the flight and so on.

The loans that I do have are student loans from undergraduate. What I believe I am getting from your suggestion is to use my bonds for the student loans instead of for rent.

Anthony: Financial abuse is pretty crippling and it goes in a pattern which leaves you shaking and fearful of more. This has also been coupled with years of sexual, physical and emotional abuse. Perhaps I did not word it well, but I am trying to figure out how to escape with my finances while at the same time being in my traumatized environment.

 

[JiHyo]

I just was thinking about this.

When I posted my original topic I was frightened, I had just been told I would be cut off unless I respected my family more and endured their physical and emotional abuse.

I think for right now it doesn't make sense to cut of all ties. It truly is cheaper for me to wait out the next 4 months and more sense as I want to destroy the ID and personal information my parents have on me. However, that does not mean I cannot work towards my freedom now. I will call my school and ask them the details of my funding as well as expected costs of my education. I am playing nice right now and will see if that will be enough to convince my father to hand me over the bonds that are benefactor-ed to me but are in his name. I will be MUCH more aggressive in my job search. Surely there has to be some summer time job out in this no-where town. The next four months are going to suck, but it will be bearable as long as I know the escape is right on the other side and that what I am doing now will help secure that.

 

[Hashi]

The loans that I do have are student loans from undergraduate. What I believe I am getting from your suggestion is to use my bonds for the student loans instead of for rent.

I think you should pay your rent. I just meant that if you have loans with high interest it's best to put any spare cash against them as early as you can, to reduce your expenses on interest payments. Student loans are probably less of a priority to pay off (I don't know what country you're in but if they're low interest and/or delayed repayment then they are less of a priority than expensive bank loans would be).

Sounds like you have a plan. Good luck.

 

[The Albatross]

"Abuse" really? I'm thinking a lot more than this, but it is all I will allow my fingers to type. If you don't like the situation, get out and become independent. My parents raised me to 17. Considering, that was a damn miracle because no one was arrested or hospitalized before I left.

You don't want to give your parents respect for allowing you back into their home? If your over 18, you're grown.

 

[Pencil]

Considering, that was a damn miracle because no one was arrested or hospitalized before I left.

Sorry, Albatross, I can't help laughing. I know it's not funny, but :D