Hi,
I'm a 30 year old chef and proud wife to a Soldier in the US Army. We live in the greater DC area with our two spoiled cats.
My history with mental illness in general and PTSD in particular is long and complicated, but here's the cliff's notes version:
I started showing signs of a sensory integration disorder as a toddler. Today, I would have been instantly diagnosed as "on the spectrum" but in the 80s it was just chalked up to me being a "weird kid" or my parents being bad parents.
I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder at age 12, and put on Paxil
At 18, that diagnosis changed to Bipolar I
By the time I was 27, I had seen over a dozen different doctors and had taken nearly twenty different psychoactive medications in various combinations. Some worked for awhile then stopped, some didn't work at all, some caused terrible side effects.
My trauma history started out with what we now call "school bullying," which I consider an inappropriately cute euphemism for "child abuse." I was rarely physically attacked by my peers, my parents did the best they could, and I was never molested or physically tortured. Just emotionally abused by peers, teachers and administrators and other kids' parents from the time I was 8 until about age 15. My parents were also victims of this systemic abuse dished out by a tiny rural town that didn't like outsiders. There's a lot I don't remember, but I doubt I'm repressing memories of actual physical or sexual abuse.
When I finally found a really good psychiatrist/therapist team a few years ago, I was diagnosed with PTSD, but my treatment approach didn't change much since my bipolar symptoms seemed like the most pressing issue.
Almost a year ago, I found out that my husband was addicted to drugs, had been unfaithful, and had lied to his peers about our marriage. This came to light when he was admitted to an inpatient psychiatric facility for a month, and then an inpatient rehab for another month. I was destroyed but managed to keep it together. I sought help right away, but with the Army you're either suicidal or you can wait 4-6 weeks to see someone. I waited.
I've been with my new therapist nearly a year now and I've made a lot of progress, but lately hit some serious setbacks- my hypervigilance is getting out of control which means that when I do get triggered (loud noises or unexpected touch, usually) I can't control my reactions. After a particularly bad "freak out" last week I had to take three days off work because my mind was so foggy it wasn't safe for me to drive. We (therapist and I) made the decision that what's going on with me right now is pretty much classic PTSD so we're starting cognitive processing therapy.
Intellectually I know that the nature of the trauma doesn't have a lot to do with who gets PTSD and how bad it is. People can go through the same thing and some of them will be fine and some won't. Hell, one of my most supportive friends is a combat vet who is dealing with severe PTSD and other problems related to TBI, and he often reminds me it's "not the trauma, it's the disease". But I can't shake the feeling that I don't "deserve" the diagnosis, or that I'm extremely weak for being this sick without seeing combat or being sexually assaulted. It doesn't help that I can't find a single support group nearby that isn't either specifically for vets or specifically for victims of sexual assault.
Anyway, thanks for reading my novel.
--Lucasta
I'm a 30 year old chef and proud wife to a Soldier in the US Army. We live in the greater DC area with our two spoiled cats.
My history with mental illness in general and PTSD in particular is long and complicated, but here's the cliff's notes version:
I started showing signs of a sensory integration disorder as a toddler. Today, I would have been instantly diagnosed as "on the spectrum" but in the 80s it was just chalked up to me being a "weird kid" or my parents being bad parents.
I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder at age 12, and put on Paxil
At 18, that diagnosis changed to Bipolar I
By the time I was 27, I had seen over a dozen different doctors and had taken nearly twenty different psychoactive medications in various combinations. Some worked for awhile then stopped, some didn't work at all, some caused terrible side effects.
My trauma history started out with what we now call "school bullying," which I consider an inappropriately cute euphemism for "child abuse." I was rarely physically attacked by my peers, my parents did the best they could, and I was never molested or physically tortured. Just emotionally abused by peers, teachers and administrators and other kids' parents from the time I was 8 until about age 15. My parents were also victims of this systemic abuse dished out by a tiny rural town that didn't like outsiders. There's a lot I don't remember, but I doubt I'm repressing memories of actual physical or sexual abuse.
When I finally found a really good psychiatrist/therapist team a few years ago, I was diagnosed with PTSD, but my treatment approach didn't change much since my bipolar symptoms seemed like the most pressing issue.
Almost a year ago, I found out that my husband was addicted to drugs, had been unfaithful, and had lied to his peers about our marriage. This came to light when he was admitted to an inpatient psychiatric facility for a month, and then an inpatient rehab for another month. I was destroyed but managed to keep it together. I sought help right away, but with the Army you're either suicidal or you can wait 4-6 weeks to see someone. I waited.
I've been with my new therapist nearly a year now and I've made a lot of progress, but lately hit some serious setbacks- my hypervigilance is getting out of control which means that when I do get triggered (loud noises or unexpected touch, usually) I can't control my reactions. After a particularly bad "freak out" last week I had to take three days off work because my mind was so foggy it wasn't safe for me to drive. We (therapist and I) made the decision that what's going on with me right now is pretty much classic PTSD so we're starting cognitive processing therapy.
Intellectually I know that the nature of the trauma doesn't have a lot to do with who gets PTSD and how bad it is. People can go through the same thing and some of them will be fine and some won't. Hell, one of my most supportive friends is a combat vet who is dealing with severe PTSD and other problems related to TBI, and he often reminds me it's "not the trauma, it's the disease". But I can't shake the feeling that I don't "deserve" the diagnosis, or that I'm extremely weak for being this sick without seeing combat or being sexually assaulted. It doesn't help that I can't find a single support group nearby that isn't either specifically for vets or specifically for victims of sexual assault.
Anyway, thanks for reading my novel.
--Lucasta
