My diary of random thoughts

[AnnieMae]

The biggest lesson I have learned in life is that I don’t matter to anyone but my family. My feelings don’t matter, but everyone else’s do. If I honor my feelings, I am punished. If I honor other peoples feelings, I feel like crap, but at least no one hates me and I get to exist without drama. I may be worthless, but at least I exist. If you please other people, you make them happy, but your feelings just don’t matter. The world has just become such an awful place. My best friend won’t talk to me because I don’t have romantic feelings for him. I didn’t have feelings for him in the first place, but now I’m being shunned for it? It’s my fault????
All I want to know is how to fix my life. I can’t handle other people, but I am so lonely.

 

[AnnieMae]

Nothing is working out. I had everything and lost it. I can’t believe this. I can’t move on. I try not to think about it but because I used to be in such a good place, and now I have nothing, I can’t move on. My ex accused me of manipulating him, which was not true. I literally cried so hard when he told me that. Then, his friends told me he was cheating on me. Some of those people are still my friends, but the one that likes me doesn’t want to have anything to do with me because I don’t feel the same way. My life is literally falling apart, and no one can help me. I just wish I could focus and be happy again.

 

[AnnieMae]

So, one thing my therapist told me is I need to learn to control my mind. I have really been thinking A LOT about that lately. Control your mind. Makes sense, and I know I have to do it because I don’t know what else to do. I wish I had known all of this stuff years ago. Now, my life is stuck. I literally have no one. It just amazes me how other people can just get up and go...move on because they know they are worth more. And, I’m always stuck. I didn’t feel or think this way until he set me up. I can’t live up to my own expectations anymore. I was in such a good place and now, I’m really a nothing. It sucks. Easily replaced, for sure. Really makes me think about things so differently.

 

[joeylittle]

I was in such a good place and now, I’m really a nothing. It sucks. Easily replaced, for sure.

Apply controlling your mind with thoughts like these.

 

[AnnieMae]

Apply controlling your mind with thoughts like these.

Yeah, I wish I could control my mind to do something and stop wasting my life away. I literally have no one. I am so overwhelmed mentally, I am so tired, and I just can’t believe this. Nothing has turned out the way I wanted. I was brainwashed into thinking I was better than people. That I deserved better. Now, I am just ok with anything. This is not like me. My job opportunities are gone, I can’t have kids, I will never be eligible to adopt any, I am not eligible for any promotions, I can’t focus on studying, and I am so tired, but can’t sleep. I am literally falling back into the weak, follower that I always was. It’s really hard to believe that the person that abused me is the person that also gave me the most motivation to do things. He really did mess with me, but when I was with him, I did SO well professionally. Everything lined up so perfectly for me. Now, it’s just constant battles. Battles forever. I feel like a lump. I am obese. I am so tired all the time, and unhappy. I really feel like I am getting beat up by life. Tomorrow is my review and I am scared. I do well with those that have feelings, not with those that don’t. I don’t feel strong anymore. I feel weak. And drained. I never used to before he set me up and attacked me.

 

[woodsy1]

Yeah, I wish I could control my mind to do something and stop wasting my life away. I literally have no one. I am so overwhelmed mentally, I am so tired, and I just can’t believe this. Nothing has turned out the way I wanted. I was brainwashed into thinking I was better than people. That I deserved better. Now, I am just ok with anything. This is not like me. My job opportunities are gone, I can’t have kids, I will never be eligible to adopt any, I am not eligible for any promotions, I can’t focus on studying, and I am so tired, but can’t sleep. I am literally falling back into the weak, follower that I always was. It’s really hard to believe that the person that abused me is the person that also gave me the most motivation to do things. He really did mess with me, but when I was with him, I did SO well professionally. Everything lined up so perfectly for me. Now, it’s just constant battles. Battles forever. I feel like a lump. I am obese. I am so tired all the time, and unhappy. I really feel like I am getting beat up by life. Tomorrow is my review and I am scared. I do well with those that have feelings, not with those that don’t. I don’t feel strong anymore. I feel weak. And drained. I never used to before he set me up and attacked me.

Hello @AnnieMae,
Wow! You are really going through it. You have been abused in such a way that it damages the very core of who you are. You lived long enough under abuse to become dependant on your abuser to define you and give you self confidence. Now that you are out of the abuse, it seems like life should quickly go back to normal. But it doesn't. And that sucks!

I can't tell you the way out or give you an easy fix. But hopefully I can give you a little hope. You can heal. You will heal.

I spent 18 years in an abusive group that totally defined me. They created in me what is called a psuedo-personality. This is a false identity our psyche creates to conform to the image our abusers will "love." It gives us a sense of purpose, confidence, and acceptance. But it is all false and comes with much damaging abuse which destroys our true identity.

At the same time as this experience I was in a 12 year abusive marriage. So I got double whammied. Everyone in my life who was supposed to love and nurture me, abused and shamed me and heaped condemnation and scorn upon me. I can't even begin to define in words what a brain-screw this was!

Long story short, upon escape from these abusive relationships, I spent 6 years completely debilitated, in the most horrific mind-bending torment 24/7/365 for 6 entire years. 6 years!

I am on 100% VA disability for Complex PTSD. I thought my life would never change. I figured I would spend the rest of my days white-knuckling it to the end of every day just so I could sleep again and escape for a while.

I was wrong. I started reading of so many people who had been in just as bad situations as me or worse, and recovered. They had recovered. This means I could too! We are all the same flesh and blood. If they could recover, so could I. Hope.

So hope was the first key to my recovery. I want you to have hope too. If I can recover, then so can you!

The second key for me was anger and acceptance. Anger at all I had lost and all that had been done to me. Brutally honest anger. And acceptance of where I am now. I'm not who I was. I'm not who I want to be.

I am disabled. I can't draw near to people without getting triggered back into horror mode. I can't do most anything I used to do. But I still have values. I can still do some things. That's where I start. Then build from there.

In a way, though it doesn't feel like it, our suffering can be an opportunity to rebuild better. We get a second chance to start from scratch.

You may not be there yet. You may be just clawing your way through to survive each day. But it will get better.

Hang in there!

Keep venting here. Be brutally honest. Share all your struggles. You will find compassionate listeners here who can relate. You are not alone.

We're here for you.

Hang in there!
Woodsy

 

[AnnieMae]

Hello @AnnieMae,
Wow! You are really going through it. You have been abused in such a way that it damages the very core of who you are. You lived long enough under abuse to become dependant on your abuser to define you and give you self confidence. Now that you are out of the abuse, it seems like life should quickly go back to normal. But it doesn't. And that sucks!

I can't tell you the way out or give you an easy fix. But hopefully I can give you a little hope. You can heal. You will heal.

I spent 18 years in an abusive group that totally defined me. They created in me what is called a psuedo-personality. This is a false identity our psyche creates to conform to the image our abusers will "love." It gives us a sense of purpose, confidence, and acceptance. But it is all false and comes with much damaging abuse which destroys our true identity.

At the same time as this experience I was in a 12 year abusive marriage. So I got double whammied. Everyone in my life who was supposed to love and nurture me, abused and shamed me and heaped condemnation and scorn upon me. I can't even begin to define in words what a brain-screw this was!

Long story short, upon escape from these abusive relationships, I spent 6 years completely debilitated, in the most horrific mind-bending torment 24/7/365 for 6 entire years. 6 years!

I am on 100% VA disability for Complex PTSD. I thought my life would never change. I figured I would spend the rest of my days white-knuckling it to the end of every day just so I could sleep again and escape for a while.

I was wrong. I started reading of so many people who had been in just as bad situations as me or worse, and recovered. They had recovered. This means I could too! We are all the same flesh and blood. If they could recover, so could I. Hope.

So hope was the first key to my recovery. I want you to have hope too. If I can recover, then so can you!

The second key for me was anger and acceptance. Anger at all I had lost and all that had been done to me. Brutally honest anger. And acceptance of where I am now. I'm not who I was. I'm not who I want to be.

I am disabled. I can't draw near to people without getting triggered back into horror mode. I can't do most anything I used to do. But I still have values. I can still do some things. That's where I start. Then build from there.

In a way, though it doesn't feel like it, our suffering can be an opportunity to rebuild better. We get a second chance to start from scratch.

You may not be there yet. You may be just clawing your way through to survive each day. But it will get better.

Hang in there!

Keep venting here. Be brutally honest. Share all your struggles. You will find compassionate listeners here who can relate. You are not alone.

We're here for you.

Hang in there!
Woodsy

Thanks. This is positive and hopeful, it’s just hard to rebuild when you are alone and always in fear of being alone. Being alone gives me the worst anxiety ever. Thinking of being screwed over again does the same. I can’t judge people correctly, so I have a hard time opening up. I get it, I want more than I will ever be able to get. But, I can’t stop trying. I have literally gone crazy with all of the thoughts and feelings that are going on inside of me. It’s so debilitating. I try to let them go with meditation, but it rarely works. I think a sort of my problem is I can’t keep my mouth shut sometimes. And when I did, it was for the wrong things.

I used to be important. I used to be a go to person at work for so many people. I used to be loved by someone. My family used to spend time with me. Now, I have no one and I’m just waiting for the guy I’m seeing now to dump me. Almost every other guy has. But, I really don’t have feelings for this guy as much as I’d like. The ones I really do like always leave. The ones I don’t, typically stay. Not all the time, but most of the time. And I have plateaued at work. It’s so hard. Most of all, I used to live without feeling like I am walking on eggshells, but ever since my ex screwed me over and denied it and I was arrested, it’s been worse.

 

[woodsy1]

Thanks. This is positive and hopeful, it’s just hard to rebuild when you are alone and always in fear of being alone. Being alone gives me the worst anxiety ever. Thinking of being screwed over again does the same. I can’t judge people correctly, so I have a hard time opening up. I get it, I want more than I will ever be able to get. But, I can’t stop trying. I have literally gone crazy with all of the thoughts and feelings that are going on inside of me. It’s so debilitating. I try to let them go with meditation, but it rarely works. I think a sort of my problem is I can’t keep my mouth shut sometimes. And when I did, it was for the wrong things.

I totally understand the conflict of being alone (for safety) and being afraid of being alone. That's my relationship life in a nutshell. This is a common feature of C-PTSD which overlaps with and can be mistaken for BPD. It's absolutely maddening.

I have recently dubbed this "Spidey Syndrome." Peter Parker wants desperately to draw near to those he loves, particularly Mary Jane. But due to his condition of being Spiderman with ruthless enemies that will harm his loved ones, Peter can't sustain intimacy with anyone dear to him.

That's how I feel. I want to draw near, but can't (for my protection and that of the ones I would love) due to my condition. If only I could climb walls and sling webs!

Sometimes a little humor helps to get through the toughest times.

Have as good a day as you can,
Woodsy

 

[mumstheword]

I totally understand the conflict of being alone (for safety) and being afraid of being alone. That's my relationship life in a nutshell. This is a common feature of C-PTSD which overlaps with and can be mistaken for BPD. It's absolutely maddening.

I have recently dubbed this "Spidey Syndrome." Peter Parker wants desperately to draw near to those he loves, particularly Mary Jane. But due to his condition of being Spiderman with ruthless enemies that will harm his loved ones, Peter can't sustain intimacy with anyone dear to him.

That's how I feel. I want to draw near, but can't (for my protection and that of the ones I would love) due to my condition. If only I could climb walls and sling webs!

Sometimes a little humor helps to get through the toughest times.

Have as good a day as you can,
Woodsy

Not meaning to highjack or anything, sorry if it seems that way @AnnieMae, I do understand, all the loss and betrayal is unbearable for as long as it is, until it isn't.

I'm sure you'll get there in time, not trying to be glib or flippant, at all, but, I'm finding if I don't perpetually paint myself as a victim, which is easy to do and I have plenty of cause to feel hardy done by too, but, if I pull myself up and refuse to endlessly listen to my own whinging, this slowly but surely improves and everything gets better and becomes more bearable.

And I don't doubt; if I can, so can you. It just takes time and that process of becoming more self aware and firmly kind with yourself.And I say "just" but, it's not like it's no big deal or doesn't take a tremendous effort and lots of energy to change those negative thinking~feeling ways of habitually being, when we feel so broken, like our life is irrepairably broken. It hurts bad, I know it does and you need to give yourself permission to greive all that you've lost. We get it, everyone here gets it, we are here for you @AnnieMae

But I wanted to say I like that analogy "Spidey Syndrome" coz of how secretive lots of us, most of us, probably have to be, around our suffering and abuse done to us.

It's that thing that if you say too much, you'll just scare people off and any support network you're trying to build will just bail, but, if you give no explanation of why you're so flakey, people are just going to think you're just flakey; It's a double bind, catch 22 situation.

Thanks for that @woodsy1

 

[AnnieMae]

Not meaning to highjack or anything, sorry if it seems that way @AnnieMae, I do understand, all the loss and betrayal is unbearable for as long as it is, until it isn't.

I'm sure you'll get there in time, not trying to be glib or flippant, at all, but, I'm finding if I don't perpetually paint myself as a victim, which is easy to do and I have plenty of cause to feel hardy done by too, but, if I pull myself up and refuse to endlessly listen to my own whinging, this slowly but surely improves and everything gets better and becomes more bearable.

And I don't doubt; if I can, so can you. It just takes time and that process of becoming more self aware and firmly kind with yourself.And I say "just" but, it's not like it's no big deal or doesn't take a tremendous effort and lots of energy to change those negative thinking~feeling ways of habitually being, when we feel so broken, like our life is irrepairably broken. It hurts bad, I know it does and you need to give yourself permission to greive all that you've lost. We get it, everyone here gets it, we are here for you @AnnieMae

But I wanted to say I like that analogy "Spidey Syndrome" coz of how secretive lots of us, most of us, probably have to be, around our suffering and abuse done to us.

It's that thing that if you say too much, you'll just scare people off and any support network you're trying to build will just bail, but, if you give no explanation of why you're so flakey, people are just going to think you're just flakey; It's a double bind, catch 22 situation.

Thanks for that @woodsy1

I totally agree about the spidey analogy- love it. It made me smile. That last paragraph you wrote- totally how I feel. And I think a lot of it is because my ex used to call me crazy all the time and the court basically agreed with him. Then he secretly apologized and carried on a secret relationship with me while I was not allowed to talk to him. I was tripping balls and didn’t know who else I could talk to. I used to get up in the middle of the night and run out of the house crying. Happened whenever I would try to go to sleep. I was so tired it made me even crazier. I used to go to pick my mom up from bingo, and I would freak out whenever I saw the police. Thinking they were out to get me. I had to return something to the store that I bought, and I debated doing it for a week because I thought I was getting arrested and they would accuse me of stealing it. I thought the cops and the court were spying on me. Now, I’m just afraid to be alone. I am even afraid to meditate and clear my mind in fear that I will forget everything. I was a totally nice, innocent person before that gave in to a lot of things. Yes, I said mean things, but I NEVER set anyone up. I am so paranoid about trusting people. I barely trust my therapist. Mostly, I don’t trust people because they have let me down in so many ways. I can’t comprehend things right now, so I struggle a lot with people. One of the things that makes it worse is my ex used to say that I always played the victim, which is not true. I was in a good place mentally, at work, with my family and friends- until all this happened. My friends and family have all said the same thing. They don’t remember me being like this. They cry because of it and it makes me even more sad. I have had new bosses at work and everything who have told me for the most part that I have been great, but the opportunities that were there for me years ago, that I missed due to freaking out are not there and it just adds fuel to the fire. I really wanted to be a supervisor in my department so bad. Or a team lead. I worked with so many people to help develop a new training program, tests, launched a new department, trained new supervisors, trained well over 300 new associates, including training the people that are now trainers. Helped launch a new department, helped to create new procedures and processes, meet with management in other departments on improving procedures- I feel like it can go on and on...but I can’t move up. It’s disheartening. Just like not having any meaningful relationships now is disheartening. My best friend won’t talk to me because I don’t have feelings for him. Ugh! I hate emotions and just wish they would go away. I never felt this way before and it sucks! God, it’s so weird...

After all the ranting- thanks everyone for listening. I hope whoever reads this- if you’re in the US- you have a fantastic and safe Thanksgiving!

 

[woodsy1]

I totally agree about the spidey analogy- love it. It made me smile. That last paragraph you wrote- totally how I feel. And I think a lot of it is because my ex used to call me crazy all the time and the court basically agreed with him. Then he secretly apologized and carried on a secret relationship with me while I was not allowed to talk to him. I was tripping balls and didn’t know who else I could talk to. I used to get up in the middle of the night and run out of the house crying. Happened whenever I would try to go to sleep. I was so tired it made me even crazier. I used to go to pick my mom up from bingo, and I would freak out whenever I saw the police. Thinking they were out to get me. I had to return something to the store that I bought, and I debated doing it for a week because I thought I was getting arrested and they would accuse me of stealing it. I thought the cops and the court were spying on me. Now, I’m just afraid to be alone. I am even afraid to meditate and clear my mind in fear that I will forget everything. I was a totally nice, innocent person before that gave in to a lot of things. Yes, I said mean things, but I NEVER set anyone up. I am so paranoid about trusting people. I barely trust my therapist. Mostly, I don’t trust people because they have let me down in so many ways. I can’t comprehend things right now, so I struggle a lot with people. One of the things that makes it worse is my ex used to say that I always played the victim, which is not true. I was in a good place mentally, at work, with my family and friends- until all this happened. My friends and family have all said the same thing. They don’t remember me being like this. They cry because of it and it makes me even more sad. I have had new bosses at work and everything who have told me for the most part that I have been great, but the opportunities that were there for me years ago, that I missed due to freaking out are not there and it just adds fuel to the fire. I really wanted to be a supervisor in my department so bad. Or a team lead. I worked with so many people to help develop a new training program, tests, launched a new department, trained new supervisors, trained well over 300 new associates, including training the people that are now trainers. Helped launch a new department, helped to create new procedures and processes, meet with management in other departments on improving procedures- I feel like it can go on and on...but I can’t move up. It’s disheartening. Just like not having any meaningful relationships now is disheartening. My best friend won’t talk to me because I don’t have feelings for him. Ugh! I hate emotions and just wish they would go away. I never felt this way before and it sucks! God, it’s so weird...

After all the ranting- thanks everyone for listening. I hope whoever reads this- if you’re in the US- you have a fantastic and safe Thanksgiving!

I'm glad the Spidey analogy gave you a smile.

You are not alone in what you are experiencing. While it is crazy-making, you are not crazy, nor will you go crazy. You will feel crazy, especially since you have been told that, but you won't go crazy.

I went through something similar. I built my life around an abusive pastor for 18 years. He was a narcissist. I was naive and ignorant and trusting. By the end of 18 years, that pastor and church were literally my everything.

I was honest and sincere and too trusting. That pastor took advantage of these traits and used me for every ounce of my vitality. Then he turned visciously on me, destroyed my reputation, shunned me, and cast horrific aspersions on me.

Like yourself, yes I hurt people...by accident. But he set out to destroy me. He who was supposedly a father, mentor, counselor, and only friend to me (in hindsight I know I was enmeshed with him in an unhealthy co-dependent relationship), sought to totally annihilate me.

I lost everything. Support network. Family. Job. Friends. Wife. Faith. And, as you feel now, seemingly my sanity.

I went through 6 years of debilitating hell on earth after that. I ended up on 100% VA Disability for PTSD, curled up in a ball on my couch for 2 years in the darkest torments, completely unable to function as a "normal" human being.

To this day I cannot have much more relationship in person than, "Hello, how are you?" My body and emotions simply won't allow me. I am a shell of the man I used to be. Just rubble and ashes.

So I can somewhat relate to the losses you are experiencing. You may come through this a different person. But you will come through.

I came out of that darkness. Day by day I'm learning to be brutally honest with myself, allow myself to be angry, forgive, accept where I am at in my condition and rebuild from the scraps of my life laying about. It's a long and arduous process we all go through on our own timeline in our own way. But we go through it. What other option is there?

I researched online and discovered other people went through these things and healed. That gave me hope. We are all the same flesh and blood. If they can heal, then so can I, dang it!

You can too! You will. One day at a time.

Hang in there, Wonder Woman! Spidey's got your back. And all the rest of the Avengers and the Justice League too!

One day at a time.

Have as good a day as you can,
Woodsy

 

[AnnieMae]

Focusing is really hard. I was completely manipulated and lied about. This is so unreal, but real. The stress that this causes me is so bad my right arm is going numb. I know it’s all psycho somatic, but damn if it isn’t hard to stop. All the way from my shoulder to my hand. It is awful lol. I feel like such a dumbass for having to be validated on my emotions. I was not like this before. I will say I am dumb and don’t understand people at all anymore.