Death My Sister Died Last Night

[dulcia]

Thinking of you today.

 

[lux.]

@recoveringfromptsd, I am so sorry that you are struggling so much, and that even while you have this terrible loss to deal with, you now have the stress of a financial burden on top of it. If you are unable to cover the costs that the extra help used to cover, have you considered starting a crowdfunding page to ask friends and family to donate money? A lot of people use www.gofundme.com. My mom and I just started a page on www.youcaring.com to raise money for my aunt's medical bills. She is dying of stage 4 melanoma. We just started it a day and a half ago and we already have almost $9K. Maybe something like that would help lessen your worries a little and show you how much people care.

I know you've been to the TDU at Sheppard Pratt before and found it very helpful. Since you are at risk for needing hospitalization, perhaps you could consider applying to SP just in case you would need to go inpatient. It'll probably take a few weeks to get admitted there, so you might want to have that process started in case things escalate. I've done that before. I've also had a suicide attempt while on the waiting list for SP, and I went into a local unit for a few days until they had a bed and I could be transferred down to Baltimore (by a long ambulance ride in the middle of a bad snowstorm).

I'm not trying to push you to go inpatient; I just want you to have the option of going to a place that'll be really helpful if you do have to go. You sound like you're surrounded by great supports and you know how to use them. Do you use DBT skills for dealing with the SI and SH impulses? DBT can be especially helpful for those.

I agree with @AngelkeeperJ/AKJ that you are an incredibly wise, strong, and perseverant woman. You have a lot of strengths. Just keep using those strengths and you will get through this. It will get better in time.

You don't need to "join" your sister--she is already with you, and always will be, as long as you remember her and the love that you shared.

 

[Muttly]

I am so sorry for your loss and all the other crap you are going through. I understand that others are helping you, but it also seems like you've made more progress than you realize. You are allowing the help to give you the help to get through. All this must be so hard. I am sending supportive thoughts your way.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@lux. and @Muttly Yes, I do have a lot of people supporting me, that without them I would be in real trouble, but even with them if it were not for some DBT skills, I would have still not done as well so far, but this does not go away that quickly, and I am getting worn down by it all, so some of those suggestions might make sense, but that's something I will have to talk about with her.

HER meaning my T

I especially need to talk with my T about this, because I sort of broke down earlier and did some S/H.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

((( @recoveringfromptsd )))
It sounds like your sister and my dad may have passed under similar circumstances. My dad did get a 5 day reprieve after his cardiac cath, in which they found a 95% blockage in his aorta. He had a massive heart attack, which they call "the widow maker". Most probably a blood clot came loose from the blockage and went straight to his heart. That would explain why she was talking one minute, and "out" the next. From what I understand, the hearing sense is the last sense to go, so I spoke into my dad's ear, and held his hand. What more could we have given the ones' we lost? I say that you did all you could, as did I, and in the end, you were her last earthy voice and contact. I hope that can be some comfort for you. It is for me with my dad.

I think I may have the

informationally oriented

when it comes to my daughter. She had severe cerebral palsy and had been institutionalized for 9 of her 11 years. Had it been "just" her physical disabilities, I would have been able to keep her with me, but she had pneumonia, kidney infections, seizures, and other illnesses that kept me from being able to get to the PT, OT, and other therapies. She had outstanding care and love all those years. They released her when the State institutions were closing. Her care went straight downhill. I likened it to "kicking her out of an airplane with no parachute."

I ordered all 4,000 pages of her records, and read each one, and those last 3 months showed she received ridiculously poor medical care. Because of her complicated life, and death, no one had to accept responsibility, so my brain, and heart said that surely it was my fault.

Fast forward to now...I am mostly "recovered" from the anger and heart consuming hate I had at her doctor...but given my early childhood and now my physical problems...I am on SSDI as well.

My heart continues to ache for you, and though you "aren't sure of life being worth the effort", I still want to applaud your tenacity, and actual pure stubbornness at refusing to give up or give in! You are an inspiration to me, and I do want to thank you for that. If you can keep fighting as hard as you are fighting, then gosh darn it, I can keep on keepin' on!!!

As far as the S/H yesterday...try to give yourself mercy. You have literally been in a fight for your life! I will say that at this point YOU are winning! I hope that Spring coming will help a bit, adding color to the gray, and every shade of brown that there is.

Blessings of peace and rest today, and your tomorrows.
AKJ:hug:

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

"aren't sure of life being worth the effort"

I constantly say to myself that life is not worth the effort given my past as the future always seems to be just as bad, and at times when I tried to fix that with an S attempt I never was successful, as most are not, so I don't even try even if I have S/I unless I get to a point where I am so far gone and desperate for relief that I can't help myself. And that seems to only happen when I am in a bi-polar episode.

My T saw my S/H but said nothing she waited for me to bring it up, and said pretty much the same as you have, that I used some DBT to stop myself, she said I could have come in with S/H all over me, but I did not, I stopped before it went to far.

But I don't feel things getting better, I feel them getting worse, and I am so numb I can't think or even feel and when I do it is in small spurts, and is intense and painful.

And I have had some S/I but no plan on executing, just a plan I know has a higher chance of success by compromising my health, the traditional methods, and placing myself in a dangerous place, a lot of things to complicate a save. But I have told already that I have had S/I and everyone seems to think I am doing great holding it together even with that, thinking that not acting on it is doing great. What they don't see is when I don't do great, everyone telling me that I am and that makes it very hard for me to reach out when I reach a point where I need intervention. Like last night when I started S/H.

The fact is I am not doing great, part of me is trying to cope and that's what they see, the other part of me want's to leave this world badly.

I am getting to a stage when I am wanting to shutdown and withdraw and stay that way,

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

:hug:Thank you for responding to my posts! I know that it isn't easy, or fun to write out your feelings. I think it's actually okay at this point to give yourself permission to be angry, frustrated, pi$$ed off, depressed, bipolar "swinging", and downright feeling horrid! It's EXPECTED! You LOVED your sister, and you LOVE deeply, and profoundly, so how could you NOT feel those things?

The negative emotions are going to be at least as profound as the love you had for her! It is going to take time to accept her not being there for you, and you not being able to be there for her! People do try to discourage us from the terrible and intense pain, because they truly care....but it kind of puts pressure on you to NOT feel exactly what you have EVERY right to feel. Too bad you don't have a punching bag like the boxers use, to beat the crap out of. It CAN lead to some S/H, but as least it might be somewhat less aimed at your body. Maybe. I don't want to presume to know how you feel.

From my experiences...I just mentioned several tragic deaths...there is a numbness of disbelief in the first days that prompts us to go forward because reality hasn't really set in. I would be shocked if you weren't feeling just as you are! That doesn't mean that it's preferable to stay in that place, but certainly expected.

I would imagine that those around you are trying to be an encouragement, and part of you wants to be encouraged. Who wouldn't want to be feeling "better"? You have suffered a great loss that no one can understand, no matter who others (including me) have lost in their lives. I don't have a sister, but I do have friends that I consider sisters through time, love, and circumstances, and when they leave this world I will be devastated!

One foot in front of the other might be all you can do for a day...or two...or three. But choosing to STAY alive, is successfully "winning" the battle you have fought your entire life. You are a survivor...even on days when you would rather not survive...

:hug: :tup:

 

[mamachick]

You are both very inspiring

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

My T saw my S/H

I saw my PDOC today, he asked directly how I felt and what I was thinking lately, afterwards they were considering EPing me (Emergency Placement) in the hospital, but instead we worked out a plan for the weekend, and they want me to go back into PHP again.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

:hug::hug::hug: (I hope you don't mind the "virtual" hugs, they are less intrusive than "real" ones)

I think you PDOC is right on the money, letting you help work out a plan, versus going ahead full throttle on what HE thinks!
At least in PHP, (I am assuming that is kind of a "step-down" or somewhat less intense, but cautious care?) you will have 3 meals a day offered, so you don't have to think about that, as well as having staff to talk to when your pain gets overwhelming (more than usual) and S/H comes to the front of your mind. It's super hard to do self-care when the other is not too far from your mind.

Wishing you some peace from your turmoil...if just for awhile...one minute at a time...

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

:hug::hug::hug: (I hope you don't mind the "virtual" hugs, they are less intrusive than "real"...

PHP is outpatient, 8:30 to 3 M-F, mostly DBT material and some other stuff mixed in. I was just in PHP, and my ins cut it off at 2 weeks, I think they wanted me there longer. But it helped with the intrusive thoughts so accomplished what was needed, but it was the monday following the last day (friday) that sister had her birthday and fell the following early morning. So it was friday a week from when I was last in PHP she passed away. I have been struggling since..

My insurance may not allow the PHP, so they may EP me anyway, but I think they would at least re-evaluate me. Also in PHP at the end of the day, they ask about S/I and S/H thoughts, and it's possible PHP may EP me somewhere in the process.

PHP is meant as a step down from inpatient, or to prevent the need for inpatient.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

and yes virtual hugs are great, real ones are triggering because my abuse in 1977-78 included being held similarly but not affectionate purposes.