Narcissistic Mother, How to Respond

[scout86]

I asked my T if my mother loved me.

If your mother has narcissistic personality disorder, she may not be capable of "loving" someone based on the conventional definition. A person with that disorder can "love" someone based on how that person reflects back on THEM, makes THEM feel about themselves, etc. That version of "love" isn't really about the other person at all. It's also not really a choice. It's the nature of that particular disorder.

 

[Rorster93]

If your mother has narcissistic personality disorder, she may not be capable of "loving" someone based on the conventional definition. A person with that disorder can "love" someone based on how that person reflects back on THEM, makes THEM feel about themselves, etc. That version of "love" isn't really about the other person at all. It's also not really a choice. It's the nature of that particular disorder.

Well when she decided to protect my rapist from the law and wanted to be married to him and sleep with him, knowing he did this to me and my brother, her own children, says a lot. How could you even want to be in the same room with someone who harmed your children much less raped, molested and groomed them. There's a major disconnect in her brain. Something is wrong with her.

 

[Roland]

Well when she decided to protect my rapist from the law and wanted to be married to him and sleep with him, knowing he did this to me and my brother, her own children, says a lot. How could you even want to be in the same room with someone who harmed your children much less raped, molested and groomed them. There's a major disconnect in her brain. Something is wrong with her.

That's heartbreaking. When you're in a relationship with someone as crazy as this, it's often really hard to pinpoint what their mental issue is exactly. To this day, I can't figure out what all my dad has. So many traits overlap and look the same to the untrained eye. The end result is the same, it's an unsafe person that has continually harmed you.

 

[Rorster93]

That's heartbreaking. When you're in a relationship with someone as crazy as this, it's often really hard to pinpoint what their mental issue is exactly. To this day, I can't figure out what all my dad has. So many traits overlap and look the same to the untrained eye. The end result is the same, it's an unsafe person that has continually harmed you.

How long have you not spoken to your dad?

 

[Roland]

How long have you not spoken to your dad?

I haven't seen him in person since September 2018, and I haven't texted him since January 2021.

He had been texting and I'd just ignore him, I think the only texts I sent him in a whole year were thank you for gifts he sent.

In January 2021, he wanted to come visit me at my church, I told him I didn't want to see him, and if he showed up at my church I would call the police. Needless to say, he didn't react well to that. I never responded. Even a month or two later, he was spam texting me nasty things reacting, like "Your brother forgave me, why haven't you? How could you call the police on your father". I blocked him sometime after that. I just got tired of receiving texts from someone that will likely never change.

 

[Rorster93]

I haven't seen him in person since September 2018, and I haven't texted him since January 2021.

He had been texting and I'd just ignore him, I think the only texts I sent him in a whole year were thank you for gifts he sent.

In January 2021, he wanted to come visit me at my church, I told him I didn't want to see him, and if he showed up at my church I would call the police. Needless to say, he didn't react well to that. I never responded. Even a month or two later, he was spam texting me nasty things reacting, like "Your brother forgave me, why haven't you? How could you call the police on your father". I blocked him sometime after that. I just got tired of receiving texts from someone that will likely never change.

Ugh that's what my mom and stepdad used to always do. Guilt trip me into forgiving them.

 

[oakleaves]

I listened to a really good podcast (not sure if I am allowed to post a link here) but it is by two Australian psychologists who talk about narcissism in families. It is called the good mood clinic podcast and it has really helped me to listen to it. I wanted to share in case it is helpful. I understand the difficulties with mother relationships. It can be really challenging.

 

[Rorster93]

I listened to a really good podcast (not sure if I am allowed to post a link here) but it is by two Australian psychologists who talk about narcissism in families. It is called the good mood clinic podcast and it has really helped me to listen to it. I wanted to share in case it is helpful. I understand the difficulties with mother relationships. It can be really challenging.

Thank you for sharing. I will listen to it.

 

[Roland]

Ugh that's what my mom and stepdad used to always do. Guilt trip me into forgiving them.

Yeah, forgiveness has nothing to do with it. Even if I could say I have fully forgiven him, I still couldn't and wouldn't allow him in my life, because I know he's the same person.

How do I know he's the same person, if I haven't seen him or talked to him in years?

My brother and sister-in-law saw him at my grandfather's funeral, which was a little more than six months ago. He pulled the whole nine yards on her, touching her inappropriately, crossing physical boundaries, because "she's pregnant with HIS grandson" and then being mad and offended when she tells him to stop. Him doing it more when my brother leaves the room, etc.

My sister-in-law refused to accept any of that crap, and luckily she helped my brother see how toxic he is.

But I know darn well that a person like that isn't going to change just because they say shit like guilt-tripping and all that, they will go right back to doing the same shit, and it's not welcome in my life anymore.

Sorry is this is too much going on a rant that's unrelated****

but yeah, in my experience, once you're really ready to cut someone out of your life, that's it. It can take a while to get there, but man once you're there, you're there.

 

[Rorster93]

Sorry is this is too much going on a rant that's unrelated****

but yeah, in my experience, once you're really ready to cut someone out of your life, that's it. It can take a while to get there, but man once you're there, you're there.

Yeah, he's not someone you want to be associated with.

My mother is in her late 40's and she's the same as she was when I was growing up. Like your dad, she will never change. Does your dad have weird quirks? My mother is narcissistic. I used to think I needed a professional opinion in order to say that, but not anymore. She also has to be in bed by 6pm every day. I remember her rage when my brother and I would be playing and get too loud anf wake her up. She had this evil look on her face, she raged at us and threw our toys at us for waking her up. One of the toys was a hard plastic dinosaur that had spikes on its back that when it hit my brother he winced in pain and ran out of the firing zone. To my child eyes, it looked like she had shark teeth.

She can't travel very far, she does not take highways. She has 5 alarm clocks all set to wake her up at different times during the night and when asked why she never says. It's always been a mystery. And just writing about her gives me anxiety.

 

[Roland]

Yeah, he's not someone you want to be associated with.

My mother is in her late 40's and she's the same as she was when I was growing up. Like your dad, she will never change. Does your dad have weird quirks? My mother is narcissistic. I used to think I needed a professional opinion in order to say that, but not anymore. She also has to be in bed by 6pm every day. I remember her rage when my brother and I would be playing and get too loud anf wake her up. She had this evil look on her face, she raged at us and threw our toys at us for waking her up. One of the toys was a hard plastic dinosaur that had spikes on its back that when it hit my brother he winced in pain and ran out of the firing zone. To my child eyes, it looked like she had shark teeth.

She can't travel very far, she does not take highways. She has 5 alarm clocks all set to wake her up at different times during the night and when asked why she never says. It's always been a mystery. And just writing about her gives me anxiety.

Yeah, your mom sounds a lot like my dad. He used to hit us for waking him up. I struggle with justifying it because he has to wake up early for work, but yeah, definitely NOT okay. He has a lot of rage, and the weirdest shit flips him out. For example, he has a huge trigger for anything related to losing money. Yelling and hitting us, and at first it's related to that trigger, but next thing you know he's talking about stuff that has nothing to do with anything, like how disrespectful we are to him?? or like something unrelated that happened months ago?? Psychological abuse. So some of the "money losing things" are the windows being incorrectly latched and "leaking air that he pays for", the AC being left on, or at the wrong temperature, the doors being shut incorrectly, and shoes being left outside. He has a bunch of alarms, but he wakes up early and is a really heavy sleeper, so that makes sense. He goes to bed at like 7:30 or 8PM I think... but again, his work shift starts at 6:30AM so makes sense. Yeah, he's a sex addict, always touching any woman present, especially if he's "entitled to them" by family relation (either blood or married). It doesn't matter how often he has sex, he's watching porn and jerking off right after, compulsively. Never satisfied. All of this shit is completely justified in his mind, and if someone says something is whack, he gets angry, blames them, completely externalizes it and never takes responsibility for himself. He has compulsive rituals, like checking his wallet, he touches each card to make sure they are all in there and he will do that everytime he touches his wallet, sometimes multiple times. Tbh, he's just crazy, and I'm not sure what all disorders he has, but he's a perfectly avoidable person.

 

[Rorster93]

Yeah, your mom sounds a lot like my dad. He used to hit us for waking him up. I struggle with justifying it because he has to wake up early for work, but yeah, definitely NOT okay. He has a lot of rage, and the weirdest shit flips him out. For example, he has a huge trigger for anything related to losing money. Yelling and hitting us, and at first it's related to that trigger, but next thing you know he's talking about stuff that has nothing to do with anything, like how disrespectful we are to him?? or like something unrelated that happened months ago?? Psychological abuse. So some of the "money losing things" are the windows being incorrectly latched and "leaking air that he pays for", the AC being left on, or at the wrong temperature, the doors being shut incorrectly, and shoes being left outside. He has a bunch of alarms, but he wakes up early and is a really heavy sleeper, so that makes sense. He goes to bed at like 7:30 or 8PM I think... but again, his work shift starts at 6:30AM so makes sense. Yeah, he's a sex addict, always touching any woman present, especially if he's "entitled to them" by family relation (either blood or married). It doesn't matter how often he has sex, he's watching porn and jerking off right after, compulsively. Never satisfied. All of this shit is completely justified in his mind, and if someone says something is whack, he gets angry, blames them, completely externalizes it and never takes responsibility for himself. He has compulsive rituals, like checking his wallet, he touches each card to make sure they are all in there and he will do that everytime he touches his wallet, sometimes multiple times. Tbh, he's just crazy, and I'm not sure what all disorders he has, but he's a perfectly avoidable person.

It's good you don't have anything to do with him.