Need Some Relationship Advice: I Don't Like Being Touched

[Lonelyone]

So I think I may have finally met a really great guy. He's kind, sweet, and is extremely respectful...a real gentleman! I have never met anyone like him.

He is the first person I have felt anything for emotionally. Here is the problem...I can't stand the physical side of a relationship which is a problem. I just don't like being touched...sex is especially difficult. He isn't forcing me to have sex but I know he wants to...we have been going out for awhile now and still I can't force myself to have sex with him. I know sex will make him happy but I just can't do it (I do trust him...it's me I guess).

So I am wondering what I can do to allow myself to have the physical component of the relationship. I have to "prepare" myself even for the little physical contact that I do allow (like kissing). I want this relationship to progress but not sure what to do.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Is he aware that you have PTSD? Does he support you? I think its important to have a partner who fully supports us and is understanding of our issues (for lack of a better word) so that they can be patient with us.

 

[Lonelyone]

He has no idea...no one from my friends/family knows. I am afraid to tell him because I don't want to drive him away.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Please do not have sex if you are not ready for it. I had this problem with my husband and it got better eventually when I was ready.

You sound very vulnerable right now and if this guy is a decent guy, tell him and he will understand and back off. Please do tell him about the PTSD, you are not going to drive him away if he truly loves you.

I have far too many regrets about having sex when I was not ready. Please do put yourself in that position. My heart goes out to you.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I know sex will make him happy

It is not just about him. Don't just have sex to make him happy. That is really the wrong mind set to have.

Have you talked with someone (a doctor) about this?

 

[Lonelyone]

I've only been seeing him for about 6 months. Although it feels like a long time for me, just feels too early to tell him about the PTSD. Guess I am afraid he's going to think I am not worth it...just another screwed up person he may not want to deal with (he's in the medical profession so he sees a lot of messed up people in his line of work).

I agree that I shouldn't have sex until I am ready but what if I am never ready...I realize that it may be a problem...just not sure how to solve it.

I used to see a therapist but had to stop because work became too demanding and I started missing too many sessions.

Seeing a therapist was helpful as before I couldn't even imagine being a relationship. She did help me work on some of my trauma but we didn't finish all of it.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think that the focus must be on what is happening now instead of worrying about the future for you. I am glad you chose not to have sex before you are ready. You are very wise to choose this, you will have no regrets later on to haunt you.

Baby steps, are actually giant steps.

I hope for you a return to therapy for a tune up on this issue.

 

[Recovery4Me]

((Loneyone)):hug:

I agree that I shouldn't have sex until I am ready but what if I am never ready

Sometimes pheromones and gut instincts tell us something about our preferences for our choices of mates. I have known a lot of "nice enough" people and if I didn't click with arousal that wasn't a bad thing:these people just became my friends. If they encouraged sex or wanted it on the next level...I discovered my own autonomy to say,"No." without guilt or without self induced shame. I realized I was just selective.

After being forced into sex ( the r words ect) I needed to be able to take my time and value myself as having worth without being a sexual partner. I have not ever "missed out" on the love of my life by listening to my gut reaction. Passion, making love is an art form NOT a duty...that is part of the beauty as it blooms. Like a rose...when you are ready and with the the right person...your sexuality will unfold.

Be proud that you are listening to your inner heart with romance, desiring a special dance partner and lovely set of circumstances.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

If you can't tell him about your PTSD, then I don't think you're anywhere near being able to have a physical side to your relationship. Yes, it is *our* issue, but it is NOT solved in isolation! What I mean is that your partner needs to know what you are dealing with, and once he knows your struggles, he should be willing to work with you on becoming more comfortable with being physical, and he should show patience.

I think of it this way. Would you fly a plane just by going to a classroom and not ever getting any hands on experience? Heck no, that would be unheard of! The same goes for this. You aren't going to fully heal just by going to therapy and then expecting to be perfectly fine in a physical relationship. It just doesn't happen that way.

If this guy isn't willing to accept you, and I mean ALL of you, then he isn't the guy for you. Why would you want to be with someone who only wants the good parts of you and rejects the bad parts? Its not like he's perfect. Please don't settle for someone who won't love you, warts and all.

I met a new guy just over a week and a half ago. Yes, we are moving very fast in the "getting to know you" department, and I told him on day 2 about my PTSD. I don't normally do that, but given his background, I knew that he would likely have a greater understanding of PTSD over the average person. I was right, and he fully accepts that side of me and is willing to work through the challenges. I know that not every relationship is like this, but my point is that he accepts that I have issues that wouldn't be present in most relationships, and sees me as someone who is greater than just my diagnosis. If someone won't accept you, and I mean ALL of you, I hope that you can realize that this person isn't right for you.

 

[bell]

Yep, @Solara hit the nail on the head! If you can't tell him about your PTSD, you're definitely not ready to have sex with him!

The fact that you have dated him for this long is fab! And telling him about your PTSD could possibly bring you even closer together. Much better to tell him now, before sex gets in the mix, for both of your sakes.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

By telling him about your PTSD you are stepping the relationship up in terms of intimacy, albeit not physical.