Needing Strength When Husband Is Away

[mrsps]

Thinking of you :)

 

[KwanYingirl]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve if you don't mind, what is it about dinner time to bedtime that is difficult? What time do they eat dinner? My son was very willfull and quite the challenge. I might have some tricks up my sleeve to share.

 

[Mystery]

In the worst times of trauma that myself and my kids went through, we were not safe to leave the house. We would make cubby houses inside using all the furniture and blankets and sheets, then leave them set up that way for days at a time, sleeping inside them like tents. We would take food in there, watch tv from the hole at the front. I just played with them like another child and they wouldn't want to come out of their little houses for days, it really fired their imaginations.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@KwanYingirl - There are two parts to dinner-bed being difficult. The first is after the accident that was the catalyst to all that I have been dealing with and uncovering with PTSD, I had to care for my two kids (ages 7 months and 3.5 at the time) and for my husband. After driving 45 minutes to pick up the kids and my husband after work and then finally arriving home later than it used to be pre-accident, I had to rush about serving dinner and feeding the baby. Then it was the craziness of trying to nurse the baby and put the older one to bed. So now dinner and bed time always have me on high alert. There were many arguments during this time of day. That part still continues (and is the second part that makes it difficult) because my kids are tired. My youngest one cries because he is tired and he's two. His cries are a trigger. I dissociate or get angry if I can't stop his crying. My older one gets excessively silly when he is tired and so sometimes it's a constant battle of trying to ignore or redirect his behavior. Lately, bed time has been a game of whack-a-mole as they keep popping up after I have put them down (especially the older one). This is new for me. My kids have always just gone right to bed and right to sleep.

Okay this is my daily survival update: My husband left after we put the kids down for naps and they slept for 2.5 hours. They were exhausted as we just got back from camping yesterday and had a busy week. So the week started off well with nice quiet time for me. I let the boys watch movies while I made dinner (the older one watched Toy Story upstairs in my office, the other watched Cars in the living room). For some reason dinner took over an hour to make (just pizza). I dropped one pizza in the sink (bit of a long story there), but instead of freaking out (though there was definitely that tendency towards utter despair), I picked it up, it looked okay, so I put it back in the oven. I almost burnt that pizza, but it actually turned out quite yummy. I even let the kids eat in the living room (definitely rule breaking there, which is hard for me) so we could finish Cars.

Bedtime was okay. I got them both in bed. However, while I was in the basement my older son came to find me. He needed stuffed animals to sleep with. I told him to go back upstairs and find them. He came back and said he couldn't find the ones he wanted (though he couldn't tell me which ones those were). So after I finished taking care of the cats, I went up and helped him. I firmly told him to stay in bed and that if he got up again, we were going to make the time he could get up at later. We were already an hour past normal bedtime. He has been up several times in the last hour. I snapped the time before last and yelled at him. I barely held it together just now. I hope he will stay in bed because I really don't know how much longer I can last. When I sat down to start typing this, I thought he'd finally gone down, but he's been up 3 times since that. Ugh. Looking forward to curling up with my book in a few minutes though.

 

[RussH]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve Thank you for the update. I am glad the day went ok for the most part, and I am glad the pizza was yummy; what kind?

I am sure that part of the reason your son is getting up is he is old enough to realize that dad is gone, and that gives him a certain amount of insecurity, and he is expressing that in a needing the stuffed animal, and perhaps just needing to make sure mom is there and everything is ok.

As for dinner time here is a suggestion: Take a day of the week, any day, and make it a cooking day. You can prepare several meals that can be frozen or refridgerated to be warmed up later. Then, at dinner time you simply warm up the dinner, and it removes the stress of trying to do everything at the same time. This idea may or may not work for you, so it is just a suggestion.

Just think, when you pick up your book, you will have survived day one.

I am really glad you posted tonight, and I am sure I can speak for others that we are all here with you.

Enjoy you book time:)

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@RussH - It was pepperoni and garlic pizza. And I made two pizzas so it should last us for most of the week. Maybe not the healthiest, but it will work. Reheating is hard for me (though that's what my plan is), because if it's something large, then you have to do every plate separately and there's a lot of rushing around (big trigger). Part of my post-accident stress was from re-heating dinners that loving church members made for us. It was supposed to make things easier, but alas, it didn't. But that was then, and this is now. Finally think my son is down for the night- thanks for the reminder that he's probably missing Dad!

 

[RussH]

Try this one night. Pizza crust, chicken breast grilled and diced. Buttermilk ranch for the sauce. broccoli fine chopped, mozzarella, sharp cheddar and parmesan cheese, and sliced tomatoes.

Spread the ranch dressing on the crust, add the chicken and broccoli. mix the cheeses together, then add them to the pizza. Cook the pizza until almost done, then add the tomatoes.
It is really, really good.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve so it sounds to me that you have no partner to tend to the children while you're cooking. That is difficult. Plus the kids are super hungry as at their ages they should be eating at 4:00. Any meal at my house had to be ready at 4:00 or we'd have what I called arsenic hour. Eric was impossible. Then I discovered the Crock Pot. Saved my life.

They loved everything I cooked in it and to this day ( they are now 30 and 32) it is what they want me to cook with. My ex worked in Boston weekends and I was alone for 3 days a week. Whatever was going on I had to feed them at 4:00 or the evening was ruined. His girlfriend reports that he is still like that and she has also started using the crock pot.

My ex was good about helping cook and he entertained the kids while I cleaned up and drank wine. Bedtime was ok for my son, but I had to lay down with my daughter til she fell asleep for 4 years. Half the time I passed out and just slept with her.

Once your wee one is four things will get MUCH easier. Their blood sugar gets really low in the afternoon then spikes with dinner so if you eat too late and try to mellow them out it won't be easy.

No TV after dinner in our house. Lots of book reading after bath time, animals to sleep with and it was pretty wild when I finally made my daughter go to sleep by herself. She faked crying and kept hacking and saying "can't you hear your daughter is choking?" Hack, hack. We couldn't help laughing.

There's no rest for the weary when the kiddos are real young. When you make your list of things to get accomplished for the day, cut it in half and then congratulate yourself if you get half of that list done.

Good luck with bedtime. I caved into my daughter but I secretly enjoyed snuggling with her it soothed my ever present anxiety.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@KwanYingirl - My husband and I usually work as a team to get dinner made and on the table. If the kids are settled, we cook together. If not, we do the balancing- one cooks, one tends to the kids. We don't get home until 5 or so during the school year so dinner is usually between 5:30 and 6. Maybe not ideal, but we do our best. When not off vacationing, we try to keep the summer schedule similar so as not to change the routine too much.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I have been trying to get to bed for the last two hours, but I am too scared. I don't like the dark. I don't like to be alone in my bed. I don't know this neighborhood (just moved in a few months ago) and even though it seems really nice (part of why we wanted to move here), I don't know it. I am scared. The parenting is hard, but the night is harder. I guess I forgot this part until tonight. I stay up way to late because I am scared and have to be up early with the kids. I am going to try to force myself to read and perhaps read until I can't keep my eyes open any longer. Perhaps I'll keep the light on, too.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I feel your pain. I always hated night time if my ex was gone. I had three dogs and eventually I got more tolerant. Do you think it's hyper vigilance? Once you get used to the new house I hope you sleep better.
I'm glad your husband helps you with dinner. Kids take energy. It gets better but there are always challenges.

 

[littlelostchild]

The pizza sounds yummy and the dinner routine went well. I agree with Russ that the older son is probably missing his dad. Do you have a t-shirt of his dad's that he could wear to bed? It might help and be something special while his dad is away.

I hope you got enough sleep. I read your other thread. I find having the tv on low helps me when I am on my own, but that may not work with the kids.

Have a great day! Be gentle to yourself.