Seriously Bad Trigger

[alt]

I don't know if this is the right subforum, but i have to talk my trigger out, I think. I guess this post thus needs a trigger warning, as I will talk about my trauma directly.

My PTSD diagnosis came after the man I loved one morning suddenly went mad - or rather - suddenly took of his mask and showed his true self. He tried to kill me, my kids and a lot of other horrible things happened very fast - tings that I don't feel comfortable talking about. It left me without a job, without money, sexually scarred and fearing for my kid's and my own life. And of course, with PTSD that makes it all even harder. I still living in fear.

I haven't heard from the psychopath (that is what my therapist calls him) since spring last year, and the trauma happened early 2014.

Lately I have felt very balanced and strong, but suddenly, today, the psychopath popped up at a forum I frequent to tell everybody how great it is that Trump won and not some "walking vagina". Before I realized it was him, somebody answered "well, Trump isn't a good guy" and then the psychopath answered "well, he is rich and powerful and people with power can do what they want and now everybody who crossed him will learn to not cross those in power" and then he revealed his identity, and I lost my balance.

Needless to say, I'll never go back to that forum, even if it has been a place to have my time outs these last years.

I feel ashamed of being so triggered. I feel cold, sick, unable to think and physically frozen. I can't remember feeling this frozen for a very long time. I don't know what I want with this post, but maybe somebody has an advice or a hug. I am so scared of falling back now. I was finally starting to do well.

 

[Ronin]

Hi @lillesnille.

You're not falling. You're triggered, it comes with feeling so frozen and unable to do anything at all and a myriad of other reactions, all of which will pass. It doesn't mean he undid anything of your progress and recovery.

Is there anyone that might support you right now, that you might reach out to to feel any calmer?
We're here for you, thank you for sharing.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

 

[Muttly]

I'm not sure I have any advice but I wanted to send you some blankets and teddy bears to cuddle in. There's no reason to feel bad for being so triggered. You went through something horrible with the psychopath and having him suddenly show back up in your life would be upsetting to anyone.

Try to remember the things that have helped you with PTSD in the past and maybe some of those skills can help you now.

 

[Joan]

sending hugs and comfort your way :hug: Absolutely no reason to feel ashamed at all. That is a horrible trigger. Please be gentle with yourself. Do something to comfort yourself. Great job reaching out here. Acknowledge and honor all those feelings....they are legitimate. Also do something to comfort...music, bath, shower, candles, coloring, rocking, wrapping up in blanket, etc.

 

[alt]

Hi @lillesnille.

You're not falling. You're triggered, it comes with feeling so frozen...

Thank you, Ronin. I found a real life person in the end, and got a real life hug. It helped.

And you are right!
I am still shaken, and it took me some hours, but now that I'm getting out of the shock somewhat, i can see that I am still strong and sane underneath. A bit hyper/on edge compared to normally. And I laugh at horrible things I talk of again. (just deleted all my "hahaha"s from this post....) (dissociation?)

I've been triggered many times before, but for some reason I felt like this trigger was different, that it would re-traumatize me. Hmm.. I will be kind to myself.

 

[alt]

I'm not sure I have any advice but I wanted to send you some blankets and teddy bears to cuddle in. Ther...

sending hugs and comfort your way :hug: Absolutely no reason to feel ashamed at all. That is a horrible t...

Acknowledge and honor the feelings. So difficult. Thank you for the reminder. And thank you so much for the blankets and teddy bears! :)

 

[alt]

:hug: to everybody who hugged me and reached out for me! Warms my heart! :)

 

[Friday]

One thing to remember about triggers & anniversaries is that they're both temporary. They're spikes. Not whole new normals. They come, you get through them, they go. :) Always.

It's when things start adding up, in my experience, that normal begins to shift. Triggering every day (the angle of the sun, the paint on the house, running down a flight of stairs), instead of once or twice a week, month, or year. That's when things are getting worse. Or in reverse, starting to trigger less often, or episodes being dealt with faster. That's when things are getting better. But the individual pieces themselves? Whether a panic attack, a nightmare, disassociating, hypervig, anxiety, etc.? Those are all temporary. They all end. Whenever you're in the middle of a hard moment? Whether that's an hour or a week... It is temporary. It will end. You can bring yourself back to yourself. Always.

 

[alt]

Thank you Link Removed ! :)

I think I have too much experience with the flood of triggers you described. As if they always all come at once. Not in the least because there's been a person behind the triggers often, deliberately causing trigger avalanches. I think I have an expectation that everything goes downhill from here because of history.

I was embarrassed that I made this thread, but now I'm happy about it, as I see more clearly what I have to work on to not cause more triggers when one is happening. Since I'm used to going through the whole alphabet of triggers, I may end up manically running when A comes about and then obviously B, C, D and E will follow. But if I just sit still and process the first trigger, I won't have to cause more triggers by acting in panic. I'm happy I learned that before I became my own shadow and did that for real. Woa. I wonder how I can have been doggie trained into doing to myself what he did to me. No more.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I don't know if this is the right subforum, but i have to talk my trigger out, I think. I guess thi...

Sorry for your pain, I was harassed by members of a gang who decided to stand by the criminal that came after me too online. I attempt to avoid them online, but I still can communicate with the people that I want to communicate with within the same groups. I know how you feel, dealing with some very dangerous people myself. Predators enjoy that by the way, to somehow be in view, for some reason they think that if you can see them that they are somehow connected to you.
I have never believed that such insanity can exist, but it does.

 

[alt]

Sorry for your pain, I was harassed by members of a gang who decided to stand by the criminal th...

Oh, yes, it makes no rational sense what such people do, and I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't experienced it. I'm so sorry about what happened to you, and I know it's impossible to even start explaining to others. I'll let you know what happened in the opening post, as you'll possibly get it. Most people will just see the surface level, where they see a man voicing an opinion and a woman being scared. It seems like she's overly sensitive only. The real reality lies in my knowledge of him. I know he has no opinions, particularly not on foreign politics (American elections), I know he's capable of extreme violence. I know he never talks his opinions, only speaks to create effects. I know he enjoys fooling 50 people to harm one. I know him. What he did was only meant to threaten me - a message about how he can kill me if he wants.. I don't have an opinion on Trump, nor on Clinton. But everybody seeing that conversation will think that the Trump- comment triggered me because of my fears of Trump. No. I don't have any fears or non-fears about Trump as I don't know much about him. I got scared because I know that this was a threat to me, of using powers against me and my family. But I cannot prove it, so I'm alone in that knowledge. I don't think anyone can understand this, unless they know what a psychopath is capable of, and I don't wish it upon anyone to ever find out what they can do. It's pure irrationality and extreme patience for seemingly no reason. I wonder if it's some sort of sick artistic expression - performance/illusionary art - for them....?