Relationship Setting Boundaries?

[HollyB]

It seems to me that you haven't been there yet, in a situation in life where you need to focus on yourself (for a limited period of time) and can not give. It seems you have been lucky in that respect.

You would be very wrong about that.

 

[monicaelise]

I think they'd be better off as non-romantic friends, so that she can be there when and how she's able, but that he's not considering her to be his partner. Partners carry different burdens, both ways, than friends do.

This isn't really of any use to me, though you certainly are entitled to your opinion. We are romantically linked, and we are friends. That's just the way it is. His opinion about whether it continues is the only one that matters. I'm just looking for some insight on how to navigate the condition without sinking myself.

 

[HollyB]

If I were the cold, callous individual you seem to think I am I certainly wouldn't be wasting my time here looking for insight on "how to set boundaries" or anything else. I would have just kicked him to the curb.

You said you couldn't be bothered to deal with the hassle of terminating the relationship. That sounds like not giving two craps to me, about whether it continues or ends, or how he is affected by the relationship. I don't think that's kind to him.

And while I agree that you have to put yourself first, I don't think you should be un-kind to him.

Honestly, I'm not really sure you understand the gravity of the situation or whether you have any real experience with long-term, potentially fatal illness (half the women in my family are dead as result of what I am facing right now, the other half are permanently disfigured), but it isn't something you choose and your priorities definitely change when you're facing it. If that makes me selfish...well I guess there is one thing I don't give two craps about. ;)

You're making inaccurate assumptions. When in your shoes, I have ceased relationships with people who needed me, so that they could find support elsewhere.

I'm going to assume that it's a lack of experience ... In the meantime, perhaps you should read through the other threads on this board.

Are you an expert? I mean that sincerely.

 

[HollyB]

I'm just looking for some insight on how to navigate the condition without sinking myself.

It sounds like you're doing just fine, as you've made sure the two of you aren't in the same boat.

I really do wish you the best of luck. I'm sorry you find me so inexperienced and "militant." I guess I just tend to think about both people involved in these situations, and what's best for both people.

 

[monicaelise]

How exactly am I being unkind? Why is it unkind to leave things alone? As I said, he can go anytime he likes. He knows this. Why should I walk away when I'm not chasing him? I'm totally missing your logic. I don't want to be his full-time care giver but why does that mean I should terminate the relationship? How do you know this isn't exactly what he wants as well?

I'm clearly not the expert. That's why I suggested you have a look through the other threads. I was simply giving you the benefit of the doubt regarding what looks to be a rather intolerant, uninformed position.

 

[monicaelise]

I really do wish you the best of luck. I'm sorry you find me so inexperienced and "militant." I guess I just tend to think about both people involved in these situations, and what's best for both people.

I'm sorry, but you don't actually know either of the people in this boat, so I don't know how you could possibly say what's best for them. If I'm doing fine, it's because I keep coming back here and reading the advice that's being given by both sufferers and carers.

I wasn't looking for an answer to whether I should stay or go with this thread (though I certainly have in others...much like many of the carers who come here looking for advice). I'm not going anywhere at the present time. I'm just trying to keep my head above water.

 

[monicaelise]

You're making inaccurate assumptions. When in your shoes, I have ceased relationships with people who needed me, so that they could find support elsewhere.

As a supporter - nay, a relationship partner of ANY kind! - you HAVE to care, you HAVE to give.

Please explain to me how these two positions work together. I don't know how you can be a giving supporter if you cease relationships with people who need you. I'm genuinely curious about this. Maybe I'm just not understanding what it means to give or support.

 

[Nicolette]

Ladies this is a reminder that everyone is entitled to share their opinion freely. If you don't like what someone says you can address it in a polite and respectful manner or ignore it.

The snide personal comments are shining through with me just scrolling through and not even reading entire posts. Please do not attack others personally for their views. Thank you.

 

[HollyB]

Please explain to me how these two positions work together. I don't know how you can be a giving supporter if you cease relationships with people who need you. I'm genuinely curious about this. Maybe I'm just not understanding what it means to give or support.

I don't think you're capable of giving the support he needs given your current situation. That's what I mean.

 

[monicaelise]

You may be right, but it's his decision to make.

 

[HollyB]

You may be right, but it's his decision to make.

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who was too cowardly, "couldn't be bothered with the hassle" of breaking up with you, so he was just a jerk in the hopes that you'd break up with him first, and free him of the burden of having to do it himself?

Maybe not. The reason why I've said everything I've said is because your decision to remain in a relationship with someone who needs support and is hurting, a relationship with which you're not invested, don't have love, are focused entirely on your own well-being (rightfully so!) and not all that concerned about his well-being... well, it smacks of that. And, I think it's un-kind.

Best of luck to you.

 

[monicaelise]

Nope, can't say I have. Nor have I ever had a problem with terminating a relationship I didn't want. Please don't take snippets of my posts out of context (it makes for a very inaccurate representation of what's actually going on). What I said was I can't be hassled with ending a relationship I have no burning desire to see end. If that makes me cowardly or jerky, I guess I can live with that. I don't think it's unkind, however.

At some point, sufferers do need to take responsibility for their own needs. If he needs to be done with me, he will have to end it. I don't feel strongly enough in either direction to start "taking stands". As I said before, he's been told repeatedly that he is free to go if he wants to. He has told me in the past he needed time to figure things and I have given him that when he asked, but he hasn't yet given me an indication that he wants to end things and I'm in no hurry to force his hand. Why should I be?

I want him in my life but I don't want him to be here if he doesn't want to be. At the same time, I'm not his mother and I do need support right now. I know better than to expect it from him, but that doesn't mean I have to start giving ultimatums and making demands, or ruining any future possibility of a relationship with him.

As I mentioned previously, you really don't know either of us. Have you given any thought to the possibility that I may be giving him exactly what he needs and wants, simply by NOT making him the centre of the universe? On this board you will find post after post after post from carers who just do not seem to get that the sufferer doesn't actually want them around. I understand that he may not want me around and I'm grateful for the time away right now as it gives me an opportunity to take care of my own needs.