Relationship she shut me out

[concernedboyfriend]

Looking back thru old messages I had forgotten, she had said she felt terrible for forcing space on men as soon as the relationship started, that she usually freaked out and called it quits after a few weeks of no change. She had talked about how afraid she was that she would need to shut down again, considering how good we started. The fact that I haven't heard anything, and she hasn't wanted to say it's over, must mean something. She hasn't blocked me after all. I'm going to try moving on to keep my sanity, but if she contacts... Well, I'll definitely encourage her to get treatment as a condition. I feel bad that she told me all this months ago and I still didn't understand that it was PTSD. She didn't use that term until shortly before her meltdown. I don't know how long threads stay open, but I'll post again if something happens. I'm sure I'll need advice to figure out how to move forward with her

 

[Cleo1521]

Looking back thru old messages I had forgotten, she had said she felt terrible for forcing space on men as soon as the relationship started, that she usually freaked out and called it quits after a few weeks of no change. She had talked about how afraid she was that she would need to shut down again, considering how good we started. The fact that I haven't heard anything, and she hasn't wanted to say it's over, must mean something. She hasn't blocked me after all. I'm going to try moving on to keep my sanity, but if she contacts... Well, I'll definitely encourage her to get treatment as a condition. I feel bad that she told me all this months ago and I still didn't understand that it was PTSD. She didn't use that term until shortly before her meltdown. I don't know how long threads stay open, but I'll post again if something happens. I'm sure I'll need advice to figure out how to move forward with her

dont look to into

word of advice...don’t look too into whether she’s removed you from social media or that she hasn’t officially said it’s over. It’s easier to fade into the background than to take accountability for anything. Focus on you. You’ll drown yourself looking for the answers...I know from experience.

 

[concernedboyfriend]

Beginnning to think that it's just my paranoia, not her moving on. Seen threads here about similar fears from supporters. Paranoia when she needed to isolate for a few days was what blew this up into a full on shut-out in the first place. It's rough because it's easier for her to interact with acquaintances in the night life than family & close friends, and that's hard to wrap my head around. Especially when an SO is the thing she needs space from the most.
She replied the other day that she'd keep hold of my things for me. That gave me hope. Then I told her I'd leave her be until she wants to talk. She's had the condition for many years and seems to have a decent handle on how it affects her behavior, for someone untreated anyway. The issue is that she was re-traumatized over a year ago. She's responded when it's important. I'm thinking I may hear from her after her promotion settles in. She has to train a bunch of new hires as the business expands, all by herself.

 

[EveHarrington]

Are you ok with giving her space?

If so, this could work.

If not, let her go.

 

[blackemerald1]

Beginnning to think that it's just my paranoia, not her moving on.

Blame yourself for her actions? That's not healthy.

it's easier for her to interact with acquaintances in the night life than family & close friends,

If she is overwhelmed by a promotion, job, illness etc., it seems to me she would not be quite so selective?

she'd keep hold of my things for me. That gave me hope. Then I told her I'd leave her be until she wants to talk.

You want to leave a foot in the door in other words. That's your decision but you have gone from her 'probably not forgiving you going to collect your belongings' to leaving them there anyway on the basis of nothing.

Why don't you collect your belongings and then see if she gets back to you? In the meantime, move on with your life too? She seems to be doing exactly that.

seems to have a decent handle on how it affects her behavior, for someone untreated anyway.

Really? You think treating her SO (you) friends and family like rubbish is handling things well?

she was re-traumatized over a year ago. She's responded when it's important.

If she has ptsd and it is untreated and she is then further traumatised it's unlikely that she will 'just come good'. But it's you that is doing all the waiting and understanding at this point and if that is how you want to live, so be it.

I'm thinking I may hear from her after her promotion

What is going on? Is it the ptsd, the recent trauma, the isolation due to ptsd or now her promotion? Are you making excuses for her failure to communicate?

 

[concernedboyfriend]

Blame yourself for her actions? That's not healthy.

No actions have been taken that I know of. Just my own paranoia issues over innocent social media stuff. Been this way all my life. Working on it, cutting back on some mentally unhealthy things too.

As for her, I think going to small venue concerts and bars ran by people she trusts is more of a alcohol coping mechanism than anything. Wasn't something she regularly did before the abuse. Was probably her way of escaping the abuser for a night. She made good headway on slowing down drinking since winter, and I helped with that some more. Who knows how that's going now though. I remember her symptoms being worse every successive morning after. She'd get claustrophobic and then feel bad for snapping at me, then suggest that I just stay in bed while she prepared for work. I think this led to me thinking of "space" a bit too literally, as opposed to emotional/communication space.

What is going on? Is it the ptsd, the recent trauma, the isolation due to ptsd or now her promotion? Are you making excuses for her failure to communicate?

No excuses need be made really, just considering things that have added to the stress cup. It was explained to me at the start that she would need weeks of space immediately with guys before me. I was the first since the recent trauma that she was okay around for awhile. She'd always tell them it wasn't working, I haven't been told that yet. I was instead told that she doesn't want to make such a rash decision in this state of mind, and that I should wait to hear from her. The communication failure was that I didn't quite understand what was meant by "space" when I first met her and put it in the back of my mind until all this happened. She was hoping it wouldn't happen, that our high compatibility would override it. So I didn't worry about it. Reading the threads here I see that it has nothing to do with me, even if I was the perfect person she would still need her space from time to time. That makes me feel much better.

Are you ok with giving her space?

If so, this could work.

If not, let her go.

With anxiety meds and therapy, I'll be able to handle it. My friends are a pretty good emotional support network even if most don't understand PTSD at all and give all sorts of terrible advice and theories about this behavior. I'm used to being solitary, I just didn't understand and felt abandoned. Reading this site and a few books on the PTSD subject daily. I just hope the damage hasn't been done from my emotional reaction to the shut out & early urges to check on her. First order of business when she comes round will be discussing boundaries for her and myself, and hopefully a list of triggers to avoid. I like that "stoplight" colors idea alot. May use that. The tricky part is encouraging treatment without making it seem like a demand. I don't really know what a supporter should say when they come out of longer isolations like this. Maybe its best to be casual first, wait for the right time to talk about what happened?

 

[somerandomguy]

Dude. I'm going to be blunt. It's time to let go. Completely. 100%. For good. Time to rip off the band-aid. Cold freaking turkey.

I'm watching you go around and around and around and around long after it's clear that you mean nothing to her. It happens. It sucks. But you're obsessing and continuing to obsess. Bad news.

It's time to forget about her and concentrate on yourself and why you go for women who are unavailable and why you obsess over them to the point of unhealthiness. Forget about her; it's over and will be over forever. Shut the door. Work on yourself, so you can have happy and healthy relationships in the future. Let this be the catalyst.

 

[blackemerald1]

Totally agree with you @somerandomguy !

 

[Neverthesame]

She was hoping it wouldn't happen, that our high compatibility would override it.

She did nothing different and the same thing happened..... Yet you're both surprised?
This thing has killed every previous relationship, now it's happening again. She's still unwilling to do anything to change it, now this one's dead too.
I'm with @somerandomguy & @blackemerald1. This is sounding really unhealthy obsessive. Get your things back and call it done.

 

[blackemerald1]

My friends are a pretty good emotional support network even if most don't understand PTSD at all and give all sorts of terrible advice and theories about this behavior.

^^ If you don't want to listen to advice from this forum how about listening to your friends who know you and are present in your real world?

 

[Sweetpea76]

It's not isolating when somebody cuts you off for a more than a month when you only dated a few months to begin with.

 

[concernedboyfriend]

It's whatever. I messed up when I told her that the space calmed my own panic. Feeds right into it. I'm doing fine. Don't worry about me. Just because I'm wordy doesn't make me obssesed.