Relationship So lost and scared

[Tlzpm]

It was a week ago that I found him lying in our bed with the tie to his bathrobe around his neck so tight his face was purple and swollen. He was covering his his face with a pillow in case one of the kids came in. Our 4 yr old daughter came nonchalantly into the kitchen and said "Daddy needs you." I went upstairs and found him. He was ok except for a red mark around his neck and broken blood vessels on his face. He refused to go to the hospital. Calling 911 would have been a big trigger. What am I supposed to do?

He says I don't love him. That I would be better off if he was gone. It hurts so bad. I want this to stop. He asks me why I won't help him. I'm trying! I feel so broken and alone. I feel like he's in a dark world I can't reach. Trying to keep him safe. Keep kids safe. It's too much.

Back to the pdoc on Thurs. Praying he'll tell her about last Sat.

 

[Sweetleaf]

He might be pressuring you to not get 911 involved or not get any outside help, but you need outside help in times like that. I've had to deal with a partner who wanted to kill himself and attempted many times. It's not worth going at it alone. You need help with this, he needs help that's professional help, because it's not like you can watch over him 24/7.

I don't know what to think about suicidal partners, honestly. My trauma makes me think "AVOID!!!" but I have a very colored lens on things.

Don't be afraid to call 911 if you feel like you have to.

 

[PerfectEmpire]

I'm curious, might you be able to tell his therapist if he doesn't? I think this might be important for them to know.

 

[Justmehere]

It can be very traumatic for a child (or adult!) to find him in a suicide attempt / cry for help that is harming himself.

You can’t be his therapist and he needs a higher level of help than he is getting right now. Call a crisis line and talk to them on what to do. They are not just there for people who are suicidal but also those that are trying to help.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I would have called 911 so fast his head would have spun.

Triggers be damned. It's beyond that point now.

 

[EveHarrington]

Calling 911 would be a “trigger” to him so it’s much better that he try and kill himself, thereby traumatizing his whole family and potentially giving all of you ptsd, too.

No.......

He needs to go inpatient at this point IMHO. He is actively trying to kill himself. I know I’m going to get crap for saying this, but if you can’t call 911, then call his therapist and tell him/her yourself. She/he can’t talk to you, but you can definitely talk to her. Boundaries go out the window when someone is actively suicidal.

 

[Freida]

Ok - I'm going to be harsh and I apologize because I know you are struggling with this. But......

I have taken decades of 911 calls from family members who have found someone dead or dying from suicide. You don't want to call because it might be a trigger? Well guess what -- the alternative is even worse. It's you wondering for years if you could have done something different/helped somehow/missed something. You couldn't --- but you will wonder. So will your kids. They will never be able to back into that house again because that's where daddy killed himself. They will blame themselves -- yes even little kids will because they couldn't stop it. They will blame you for not stopping it. All untrue thoughts -- but a child who has a parent who commits suicide is a child who is going to be in therapy for years and they have a higher risk of suicide themselves

And if that doesn't convince you maybe this will. I took a call from a 9 year old who found her mom hanging in the garage. The suicide note said that she had it all planned out for her husband finding her before the kids got home. She forgot the kids were getting out of school early that day and they found her instead. That child's screams were sounds that no child should ever have to make. What would have happened if your daughter hadn't come down to get you? Would she have sat there and watched him die because she didn't understand what was happening? How is she supposed to live with that?

Don't put you or him or your kids through this. He is obviously wanting help because he did it while you were home to save him.He's reaching out ....in the wrong way yes. But he is reaching out. Make sure his therapist knows he is a threat to himself. And if he tries it again CALL 911. Saving his life is way more important than worrying about a trigger

 

[littleoc]

He says I don't love him. That I would be better off if he was gone. It hurts so bad. I want this to stop. He asks me why I won't help him. I'm trying! I feel so broken and alone. I feel like he's in a dark world I can't reach. Trying to keep him safe. Keep kids safe. It's too much.

Distortions, all of it. He is extremely unwell. He needs help now even if he says 911 is a trigger. Get him to a hospital. Drive him there with a packed bag, if he'll let you. You can not let him be this unwell around kids and around you.

I agree with @Freida . When I was a child, I walked in on a suicide attempt of a family member. I had a little nurse training (from a pre-nursing class for people under 18) and ended up having to use that knowledge to save the life of someone. I haven't forgotten that night.

Personally, reading what you said about your kid telling you what happened, how are you not more concerned about your now-traumatized child? The answer is this: his suicidal action REQUIRES all of your attention. How can you be a mother in a context like this? It's just not possible. This is incredibly unfair, and he needs help.

You should check in, after things have calmed down enough (that is, you're no longer conducting a suicide watch in a place full of hazards), with your child who knew Daddy needed help.

Screw his triggers. He's not well, and he's making your entire family unwell. It's not uncaring of you to get him immediate help.

Good luck. I'm so, so sorry this is happening. Hugs, if you accept

 

[LuckiLee]

I'm so sorry about this. Is he safe tonight?

About six years ago (Hand I were still in the honeymoon stage) I woke up in the middle of the night. J wasn't in bed. I went looking. He was on the side of my garage, on his knees, praying with a noose.

He called the crisis line once I calmed him down. He got an appointment the next day. If he hadn't done it himself there is nothing I could have done except call 911.

I thanks God every day that J made that call. I think he does.

This is too much for you to handle alone. Get those kids somewhere safe and get him to a hospital. Please. We don't want them here in 10 years because Daddy took his life.

Good luck and I hope he's truthful with T next week. If not. It's time for you to be his advocate.

✌ &

 

[Tlzpm]

This morning he said he wanted to go to the hospital. I was relieved and told him that's what I wanted too. He then immediately decided that the only reason I wanted him to go is because I hate him and want him to go away. Also, they're not going to help him... just make him worse. And he'll lose his job. Why did I come up with such an imprudent plan? I never think things through. Am I trying to ruin our family? Why am I putting so much pressure on him? I'm not helping, I'm just making things worse. Why can't I just support him?

I told him I love him and I'm scared I'm going to lose him. I told him that this is the only way I know how to help him. I don't want to send him away, but I want him to be safe. We'll figure everything else out. His safety comes first.

He then excused me of writing him "scary texts" everyday. Why am I doing that to him? My texts are "Love you so much honey!! How was your morning?" I got so frustrated. I'm mortified to say I raised my voice (which I have maybe twice in our 11 yr marriage) and grabbed him by the shoulders and cried that I wasn't trying to scare him... I was trying to make sure he was still alive!! I know this wasn't right... especially when it comes to someone with trauma due to child abuse. I feel awful and he's shut down. He promised he'd tell me if he feels he's going to hurt himself.

Guys, I totally get what you're saying. It hit me hard. I want to protect him and our babies. Please don't judge me. I'm feeling so overwhelmed right now. I'll take your advice and try to talk to his doctor tomorrow. I'm scared he'll find out and never forgive me... but I'm more scared of losing him.

 

[Tlzpm]

It can be very traumatic for a child (or adult!) to find him in a suicide attempt / cry for help tha...

I'll try the crisis line! Thanks for suggesting that!

 

[Tlzpm]

Ok - I'm going to be harsh and I apologize because I know you are struggling with this. But......

I hav...

Your words were heartbreaking to read, but I needed to hear them. Thank you.