Someone Called Me Selfish

[katiekat]

So the other night I was having a rough time regarding my fiance and I got on the chat wall here and was hoping for support and just someone to listen non-judgmentally. But what I got were a few people telling me that I am selfish. Not only did that hurt, but it surprised me. I have generally felt people on this site are supportive and take caution to tread lightly and be mindful of their words. I'm not going to hold this against anyone because we are all entitled to our own opinions and they didn't know the full story but jumped to a conclusion about me. I did agree with them, that yes, I am selfish.

I brushed it off at the time, but got to thinking about it, read some posts by other people and came to my own conclusions. I think everyone on here is totally selfish, some do things to seek attention, some feel entitled to certain things. I have been in an unfulfilling relationship for a few years and now that I am in therapy, I am 100% aware and fine with the fact that I am selfish. I deserve to be happy, healthy, and be with a partner who has the same values as me, and I will do whatever selfish thing I need to do to make myself and my health and happiness my priority. I refuse to let things that other people do that hurt me to slide anymore. I deserve to be with someone who values my needs and treats me well.

It's hard for me to read the desperate posts on here and not see that everyone else is also so very selfish in their own way. But if we aren't just a little bit selfish then we wouldn't be human, we would all be someone else's doormat to walk on... which sadly, I think many of us have been at some point in our lives for considerable amounts of time.

Please feel free to disagree with me, but know that I am not here to hurt anyone's feelings. Be mindful of what you say-we of all people should understand that even the slightest judgmental response can sting.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

(whispers) Were you talking to new people? I mean those with zero posts who just come here and chat and don't end up posting at all? (I say this quietly as I don't wanna scare newbies away!)

The forum used to have a rule where only established members who were active on the forums could use chat. This was awhile ago before the forum upgraded, as I wasn't able to get into chat while mobile back then.

Now I've noticed new people with zero posts on chat. I don't engage with them as they sometimes say little to nothing about themselves so you know nothing about them. It's a protection measure as there have been trolls on chat in the past who dont know anything about PTSD but feel the need to share their uneducated opinions.

Of course, I could be TOTALLY off the mark with all of this, but the lesson still stands that we need to be careful who we engage with on chat.

But, you're right. We actually NEED to be selfish in our healing. If you're completely selfless, you're a doormat and behaving like a doormat isn't quite conducive to healing.

However, I can't help but wonder if perhaps you're misreading urgent or desperate attempts to reach out for help as selfishness? I say this because I don't see selfishness in everyone here as you do. (I mean no harm in saying this!)

 

[radicalgratitude]

they didn't know the full story but jumped to a conclusion about me

I think you hit the nail on the head. All people know about us on this site is based on their perception of how we worded things. Things get taken out of context and it is also impossible to cover every angle of a situation without writing a novel. That's why it is important not to make judgments about a person's character on a website like this. Add into the mix that we all struggle with mental illness and its best to take opinions of your character with a grain of salt. Just because someone says it, doesn't make it true.

As far as your commentary about selfishness, I wholeheartedly agree with you and Solara. It is so important to take care of yourself. Remember what they say on airplanes: you need to put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others with theirs. There has to be a better word for this than selfishness. Wisdom?

 

[katiekat]

Solara, I think my thoughts on people being selfish in their "desperate" posts is a bit too harsh of a way to put it. But I am starting to believe that people who have been through certain traumas or who had negative parental attachments cry out for help in very dramatic ways which, as an onlooker, appear to be selfish. But now that I think about it again, maybe these people are actually the opposite of selfish. Maybe they are not selfish enough to see that they deserve better for themselves and CAN make their lives better but they are stuck in that mentality that everything that happens to them in life is a catastrophic event. Maybe I should not be making such statements because it's so complicated and I only know from my own experiences.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Oh well I meant no harm. I think that it's a matter of perhaps having a different perception of what selfishness is?

I have no idea what issue was discussed last night, so I'm a bit in the dark in that respect. Do you have a belief that selfishness is bad and should be avoided?

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

This is a message board. Unfortunately people will see what they want to see. You know your heart the best. Go with that. :)

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

All people know about us on this site is based on their perception of how we worded things. Things get taken out of context and it is also impossible to cover every angle of a situation without writing a novel. That's why it is important not to make judgments about a person's character on a website like this. Add into the mix that we all struggle with mental illness and its best to take opinions of your character with a grain of salt. Just because someone says it, doesn't make it true.

Excellent post!

 

[Barconian]

@katiekat This maybe a PTSD forum, but we all see things differently and you are welcome to agree to disagree as much as you need! No one is here to look down at another!!!

 

[Storm-ridden]

As far as your commentary about selfishness, I wholeheartedly agree with you and Solara. It is so important to take care of yourself. Remember what they say on airplanes: you need to put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others with theirs. There has to be a better word for this than selfishness. Wisdom?

I think the word you might be looking for is "self-preservation" or maybe "self-confidence"? In order for us to have either, we have to think about what is good for us in a situation, instead of just thinking about others. I whole-heartedly agree that we need it, whether we call is selfishness, self-preservation, wisdom, whatever. Nobody should ever have to be a human doormat to anyone, and sometimes others may view it as selfish (even for those that don't have a mental disorder), but if its needed to stay safe and heal, then I say go for it!

 

[Pencil]

Be mindful of what you say-we of all people should understand that even the slightest judgmental response can sting.

Well said.