Justmehere
Sponsor
This is long. I'm sorry about that. I need to write and post it. If anyone might be willing to read this mini-novel and might have feedback, that would be wonderful.
I started to feel a feeling of comfort recently when close to people lately. Deep comfort and closeness.
Last week, I started to freak out. I started pushing everyone in my life offline away and being avoidant. Very avoidant. It worried people which confused me all the more.
The feeling of deep comfort when emotionally close to another person isn't something I have really deeply felt for quite awhile until the past few months. The last time I felt it on a steady basis was with my old therpaist, and that relationship ended very badly. It was good, very good, until it was suddenly horrible and over. She had pushed for me to connect. To attach. To find comfort in the connection and I worked so damn hard to do that, and I did. She would even initiate contacting me throughout the week to ask how I was doing. We were doing a somatic /relational therapy that works through traumatic transference - and it was working. She said she also expected that at some point I would get mad, really mad at her, and that was ok and she was giving me permission to be mad and even yell at her as long as I promised to come back and talk it through. We had to talk it through. She eve specifically said it was ok to yell and curse. I just had to agree to not quit because of it, but to at least try to talk it through with her. She adamantly told me she would not quit over it, we would talk it through and try at least once to make it work. We would try.
I never got mad at her. Until I did, for about 30 seconds, and it was the end of the relationship.
It happened the first day I got back from an out of state intensive treatment program. I was dealing with seratonin syndrome and we had a miscommunication about how I was canceling my appointment to go to the ER because of my symptoms. I was dripping sweat from the seratonin syndrome related night/day sweats. I knew I needed to get medical help. No one was listening about this.
It was just a miscommunication with her.
She wanted to see me and didn't understand why I was saying I needed to cancel. She just kept saying I will see you at 1pm.
It was just a miscommunication. I flipped out all the same.
The relationship actually had probably been in an unhealthy place for a few weeks. While at the treatment center she talked to me on the phone and something was really off. She didn't seem ok. Like at all. It seemed like she wasn't so much the therapist version of her, but something so much more personal. She seemed not ok. I point blank asked if she was ok and tried to trust that she would take care of herself.
After a lot of work with her over 18 months where I never yelled never freaked out... I did. That first day back. I lost it. I went to the appointment I had been trying to cancel. I was outside the building when I once again realized I couldn't handle it. I texted to say I had come, I was in the parking lot, but I needed to cancel, I can't handle this I need to call a cab and go to the ER. I need to cancel can we reschedule?
No one had been hearing me all day. Not my doc, not her. Not anyone.
She meant well and told me to come in. I walked in and like a total monster, I screamed one sentence at her, "what will it take for you to f--king hear me say no?!" I instantly broke down sobbing and said I was sorry and that I needed to be in the ER and we sort of talked. I was shaking and terrified and she was stunned. I kept trying to make my mistake ok. She kept trying to make me ok.
Nothing was ok. She notified me shortly after that she would be terminating my care. There would be no talking it through before making the decision to quit.
The next appointment was our last. Everything changed. She told me we should have never been doing the therapy we were doing. (She had told me otherwise for so long.) She said that she thought she would be able to handle it and had been able to handle it with so many others but she couldn't do it with me. She said the therapist in her totally wanted to continue but the regular her couldn't. The regular her had her own trauma stirred up and she couldn't do it with me. It was over and there was no even talking it through. She told me she was sorry she couldn't keep her promise to me. I believed I broke her.
She had said she would see me for a few weeks while I found someone new but those appointments never happened. She canceled them day after she scheduled them. Never explained why.
I suddenly became tempted to use and abuse drugs and started using one, for the first time in my life. After several days of that getting out of hand, I dragged my butt to a drug treatment center because my family has generations of addictions and I didn't know what to do. I stopped.
The pain was beyond all reason. I can't describe it. It was like every loss of relationship, every abandonment by my neglectful mother, every painful mistake, every hit from my father, and so much just sharp stinging shame packed into one terrible ripping feeling in the deepest places of my soul.
I eventually found the therpaist I have now. She works in the same group of therapists, different building in a different part of town. She knows roughly what happened but not who it was with. I have no plans to tell her. I couldn't handle it and she hasn't asked.
I have tried to kill that part of my heart that connected so deeeply and it has been sort of working... but it just woke up.
I don't know how to handle it. I don't feel like I can talk to this therapist about it. Her style is very different and it's worked for me. Until now.
I don't know what I need.
I want to contact my old therapist, she said I could mail a letter anytime... But it seems like it's better for her and me that there is no contact. If she responded it would mostly likely be a weird and cold and confusing letter. Not any kind of resolution. Part of me wants to apologize for breaking her. To express my endless grief over what I did. Part of me wants to ask for answers, but what would I ask anyhow? Why did you make all those promises and let me get so close only to drop kick me to the curb? I already know the answer. She couldn't handle my transference, she couldn't handle her counter transference, and stay professional. She was a human with limits.
Mostly, I just want to be drugged and to run and hide and quit therapy and a million other stupid ideas that I'm not going to do.
I'm guessing that the way through this is just letting these feelings be there. I can't seem to connect to my therapist or anyone closely though. I have this strong physical reaction now.
I started to feel a feeling of comfort recently when close to people lately. Deep comfort and closeness.
Last week, I started to freak out. I started pushing everyone in my life offline away and being avoidant. Very avoidant. It worried people which confused me all the more.
The feeling of deep comfort when emotionally close to another person isn't something I have really deeply felt for quite awhile until the past few months. The last time I felt it on a steady basis was with my old therpaist, and that relationship ended very badly. It was good, very good, until it was suddenly horrible and over. She had pushed for me to connect. To attach. To find comfort in the connection and I worked so damn hard to do that, and I did. She would even initiate contacting me throughout the week to ask how I was doing. We were doing a somatic /relational therapy that works through traumatic transference - and it was working. She said she also expected that at some point I would get mad, really mad at her, and that was ok and she was giving me permission to be mad and even yell at her as long as I promised to come back and talk it through. We had to talk it through. She eve specifically said it was ok to yell and curse. I just had to agree to not quit because of it, but to at least try to talk it through with her. She adamantly told me she would not quit over it, we would talk it through and try at least once to make it work. We would try.
I never got mad at her. Until I did, for about 30 seconds, and it was the end of the relationship.
It happened the first day I got back from an out of state intensive treatment program. I was dealing with seratonin syndrome and we had a miscommunication about how I was canceling my appointment to go to the ER because of my symptoms. I was dripping sweat from the seratonin syndrome related night/day sweats. I knew I needed to get medical help. No one was listening about this.
It was just a miscommunication with her.
She wanted to see me and didn't understand why I was saying I needed to cancel. She just kept saying I will see you at 1pm.
It was just a miscommunication. I flipped out all the same.
The relationship actually had probably been in an unhealthy place for a few weeks. While at the treatment center she talked to me on the phone and something was really off. She didn't seem ok. Like at all. It seemed like she wasn't so much the therapist version of her, but something so much more personal. She seemed not ok. I point blank asked if she was ok and tried to trust that she would take care of herself.
After a lot of work with her over 18 months where I never yelled never freaked out... I did. That first day back. I lost it. I went to the appointment I had been trying to cancel. I was outside the building when I once again realized I couldn't handle it. I texted to say I had come, I was in the parking lot, but I needed to cancel, I can't handle this I need to call a cab and go to the ER. I need to cancel can we reschedule?
No one had been hearing me all day. Not my doc, not her. Not anyone.
She meant well and told me to come in. I walked in and like a total monster, I screamed one sentence at her, "what will it take for you to f--king hear me say no?!" I instantly broke down sobbing and said I was sorry and that I needed to be in the ER and we sort of talked. I was shaking and terrified and she was stunned. I kept trying to make my mistake ok. She kept trying to make me ok.
Nothing was ok. She notified me shortly after that she would be terminating my care. There would be no talking it through before making the decision to quit.
The next appointment was our last. Everything changed. She told me we should have never been doing the therapy we were doing. (She had told me otherwise for so long.) She said that she thought she would be able to handle it and had been able to handle it with so many others but she couldn't do it with me. She said the therapist in her totally wanted to continue but the regular her couldn't. The regular her had her own trauma stirred up and she couldn't do it with me. It was over and there was no even talking it through. She told me she was sorry she couldn't keep her promise to me. I believed I broke her.
She had said she would see me for a few weeks while I found someone new but those appointments never happened. She canceled them day after she scheduled them. Never explained why.
I suddenly became tempted to use and abuse drugs and started using one, for the first time in my life. After several days of that getting out of hand, I dragged my butt to a drug treatment center because my family has generations of addictions and I didn't know what to do. I stopped.
The pain was beyond all reason. I can't describe it. It was like every loss of relationship, every abandonment by my neglectful mother, every painful mistake, every hit from my father, and so much just sharp stinging shame packed into one terrible ripping feeling in the deepest places of my soul.
I eventually found the therpaist I have now. She works in the same group of therapists, different building in a different part of town. She knows roughly what happened but not who it was with. I have no plans to tell her. I couldn't handle it and she hasn't asked.
I have tried to kill that part of my heart that connected so deeeply and it has been sort of working... but it just woke up.
I don't know how to handle it. I don't feel like I can talk to this therapist about it. Her style is very different and it's worked for me. Until now.
I don't know what I need.
I want to contact my old therapist, she said I could mail a letter anytime... But it seems like it's better for her and me that there is no contact. If she responded it would mostly likely be a weird and cold and confusing letter. Not any kind of resolution. Part of me wants to apologize for breaking her. To express my endless grief over what I did. Part of me wants to ask for answers, but what would I ask anyhow? Why did you make all those promises and let me get so close only to drop kick me to the curb? I already know the answer. She couldn't handle my transference, she couldn't handle her counter transference, and stay professional. She was a human with limits.
Mostly, I just want to be drugged and to run and hide and quit therapy and a million other stupid ideas that I'm not going to do.
I'm guessing that the way through this is just letting these feelings be there. I can't seem to connect to my therapist or anyone closely though. I have this strong physical reaction now.
