Tips For The Emotional & Physical Aftermath Of Flashbacks?

[SeekingAfrica]

Hey everyone, so...I've been in therapy since the middle of May, so few months now. It's been both hard and really useful. I'm also on medication, though lower dose, so it doesn't present at all with any side effects or anything, it's just that I'm not quite so freaking out and anxious at everything...

But even with the meds making me calmer, this past week I'm flipping out. We got to a point in therapy where we started discussing something really tough for me(child ...hmm./..is it sexual abuse if it's just fingers?) that was done by my grandfather when I was very little. I can barely even talk about it, even in therapy, when I've had no problem talking in lenght and crying a lot about everything else(including rape) that I've been through.

Since I started talking, I've noticed I'm improving in my life in things I previously felt stuck on. So I'm assuming I'm on right track. But, I'm getting extra anxious and even slightly depressed again, even with the meds. And I'm having a lot of flashbacks. I'm in so much pain, all the time. My T asked how I feel at the end of the session last time and I told her I felt self-destructive, which means I want to do something bad for me, or if I don't want to hurt the people in my life, that means just numbing myself down until I can't think, losing myself in watching or anything else. I have trouble working, or getting motivated for stuff.

Last time after therapy, since we were discussing this, it was like opening a window, and for a day and a half, I contantly had flashbacks and I was having waves of crying and feeling awful the whole time. It was like memories detox or something. And not all memories were even trauma related, some were just from the same part of my childhood, but I have purposefully not thought of that part of my life for more than a decade, so it's extremely painful...I'm sorry if this doesn't fully makes sense.

I've just been struggling with this. My T said we'll talk about better ways to deal with those emotions, but my session is on Friday and that feels so far from now. I haven't been in so much pain, almost ever. It's debilitating. I feel like I left behind who I was when I was 6 behind me, and how I felt then, and I did. Talking about it is like talking about a different person. But I am in so much pain. I know I have to work through this, I just don't know how to keep myself healthy and together while that's happening. I feel weak- I can barely talk about those things- how do I deal with the flashbacks and the pain and the dissociation? Do I have to leave extra time in my weeks right now knowing that things like this may come up? And how do I deal with that whole self-destructing instinct and pain in healthy way? It feels too enourmous and I have no clue what to do with it.

Anyone has any tips? I'm sorry this is so long and messy, I just feel a bit detached even writing it, I just really can't think about this, and yet it keeps coming up, coming back :(

 

[sun seeker]

It sounds like you may be going too fast and need to slow down and work on stabilization and resourcing. Could you talk to your therapist about that? The remembering stage is intense, no doubt about it, but if it's gotten to the point where you are feeling self-destructive, it sounds like too much, too fast.

How are you sleeping? That's important both for your health and for integrating the memories.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Might be. I'm a bit better than yesterday now. I don't know...it's like some weird release. Since Friday, I've had the following pattern: I have one horrible day of constant flashbacks where I am constantly in pain or crying...And I do all kinds of things(hot baths and drinks, naps, distractions, journaling, venting, etc) and it still comes back constantly. But then once that is over, I had a day where I connect better to people than I had in years, I was more lighthearted and happier, and open with my boyfriend, and able to just have fun and relax...like I haven't in years.
So whatever this process is, it's definitely important and helping. It is extremely intense though. I have therapy in few days and I'll try to talk about ways to ease up/slow down the proces a bit.
Honestly, tonight I slept great, but the 5 days before that- I had unsettled dreams with multiple waking up practically every night. So now I'm kind of fatigued. I have Xanax I can take for panic attacks or per need(it's the lower dosage) but I try not to take that too often, cause I don't want to get used to it. I do take it some days if I can't stop crying and I have a lot of work, but on principle I try to avoid it.

 

[sun seeker]

Sigh. This recovery process is not for the faint of heart. You have my sympathy.

 

[EmmaOwl]

.it's like some weird release.

I read this as "It's like some weird disease" so of course I was gonna be a little snarky and say It IS some weird disease; look at the name of the board! ;)
(Just trying to lighten things a little bit.)

 

[One step at a time]

Yes, right now my best plan is just leaving time for experiencing this stuff and taking care of myself through/after it. I am trying to give myself a free pass to cancel whatever obligations I need to in order to make room for myself. Because otherwise I exhaust myself putting up a façade, and that makes everything - flashbacks, pain, dissociation - worse.

I think sunseeker has it right: "This recovery process is not for the faint of heart."

Sending peace.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Yes, right now my best plan is just leaving time for experiencing this stuff and taking care...

That's what my T said. She said we'll work on what to do exactly, but that if it takes me time to cry or think about it it, be upset, then may be for now it's okay that I feel like that. That not-talking about it only ended up with it still affecting things in my life, so now if talking about it means having to take extra time for myself., may be that's okay for now.
I'm not sure I'm okay with that, as before I started therapy in May I had a year in which I was so anxious I would barely work...so it feels like I was just getting in a normal routine and now this. But it also feels like not dealing with it was in the core of my issues before...So I'm trying to accept it, and accept the fact that something that's been causing me pain for 20 years might take a little time to get through.

 

[One step at a time]

That's what my T said. She said we'll work on what to do exactly, but that if it takes me time to...

I really connect with this feeling of "what, again?" I also had a functioning period after I started therapy, and I guess some part of me has decided that now that we are safe and supported, it's okay to start pulling out all of these emotions and stuff that leave me curled up and shaking and very definitely not capable of my normal routine.

Yeah, we might have to give ourselves time. <3

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I think you're on the right track. This whole journey is "weird", makes no sense to most people and extremely painful. You've already described some of the coping tools, so I take that to mean you're making progress quickly. I agree that perhaps things are becoming too intense without enough grounding. You seem able and confident to discuss these things with your therapist. That's really important too. Trust is hard to come by. When someone earns it then that's a big accomplishment.

I'm proud of your strength and determination to keep on keeping on. The pain is awful and feels so overwhelming - like it's never going to go away. Escape feels like the only option. I'm so thankful to hear that you can identify these emotions and work through them safely. That's a huge step forward.

 

[laurainalameda]

I find it is helpful to periodically have sessions that are just about skills and support. I do this when my ability to function slips or the flashbacks become too intrusive. But yeah, the only way out is through.

I also keep an actual checklist of reminders of nice things to do, all of about 15 min or so. Such as: sit on front steps. Play with dog. Warm up can of soup and eat it. Make toast. Walk for a short time. Put in one small load of laundry that is easy to sort, like all socks and undies, or only jeans. Fold the single load of laundry. Lay on floor and stretch while listening to 4 songs.

These are all simple, automatic things that soothe me or support functioning, and help me feel safe and in control. If I have a flashback, as soon as I realize what happened, I walk around my house grounding myself, give myself a drink of water and a cracker, etc. Basically comfort me, like I wish I had been comforted. It helps me.
Laura

 

[Cheryl Bond]

Hey everyone, so...I've been in therapy since the middle of May, so few months now. It's been bot...

Hi,
I am so very sorry that you are hurting so bad! I have walked in your shoes & I know how painful it can be. I know how the feeling of self-destructiveness can be so overwhelming.

I want to first let you know that, yes, it is sexual abuse if you were violated by your Grandfather the way you described. You wouldn't be feeling all these horror's if you weren't abused, believe me.

You might also find that joining group therapy, for sexual abuse survivor's helpful besides the individual therapy. It can be really helpful for other survivor's to bear witness to another's process.

Some coping mechanism's I have found very helpful, is to have someone you can trust as an emergency contact if you are feeling self-destructive. Learning deep breathing techniques can really be helpful for anxiety & panic attacks. I have also found a lot of comfort using Rescue Remedy flower essence, various Homeopathic's, and essential oils.
Receiving Reiki has also helped a lot.
My former therapist always told me that the quickest way to get our of your head & more grounded, is to "move" you're body, whether yoga, or other exercise of some capacity that works for you.

I don't know if you have a pet or not, they can be an incredible source of unconditional love & comfort. I would highly suggest adopting a cat or dog if you haven't already. My cats have been a lifeline for me!

I recently found, on YouTube, "Miracle Tones", they have really helped me sleep better. They have all different types/subjects. There are ones you can use for short relaxation/meditation as well. I would highly recommend them.

I hope some of these recommendations might be helpful to you. I pray for your healing & that you can find some peace. Try to be gentle with yourself, you are going through a LOT! & it can be extremely difficult & scarey.

Wishing you,
Love & light,
Cheryl