Totally Lost It Last Night.....

[mrsmegan]

So, T and I had our normal 2 hour "funfest" therapy session yesterday. It went well, left in a good place, etc.

T and I have a close mutual friend. We know this, have talked about it, etc. It's not really a huge deal, we had only run into each other once outside of the office over the past 2 years.

Well last night our friend was having a home concert (she's a musician/artist) so in a pretty small setting. I told T when I was saying goodbye that I would be there tonight, he acknowledged it, but didn't say whether he was going. I figured if he didn't say anything, he wasn't going to be there.

Fast forward, I get there, and he is there with his wife. I almost started panicking. I could not deal. The thing is, maybe on a different day, I would have reacted totally different. It just totally threw me for a loop. When we said hi, I said to him: oh, I didn't know you would be here. His response was that he didn't either. So I absolutely trust that he didn't know until after his day at the office ended.

My friend is a beautiful musician, and her and I have been through the same kinds of trauma, her music is so often like a mirror to my own heart. I was so thrown off my game and it was like my heart broke open and I just lost it.

I could not stop crying, so during the break, I left. My dear friend was so kind and sweet, walked me out, told me how much she loved me, but I felt awful. I sobbed in my car for 10 mins.

I'm so embarrassed. I'm sad I couldn't fully be there to support my friend. I'm mortified that my T saw it, and felt awful that I potentially made him uncomfortable in that situation. And now my heart just hurts.

 

[NightSky]

I'm sorry you're hurting. Seems like it was a perfect storm. I'm sure your friend understands. And I'm sure your T wouldn't want you feeling mortified.
Your emotions are valid. And music has a way of reaching places other things can't in some of us. When that happens you can't (and shouldn't have to) control how your emotions react.
Your T became a T because he wants to help hurting people heal. Remind yourself of that. Also, he knew you would be there and made the choice to to.
And your friend will understand. Your job is to give yourself the same grace your friend will give you.

 

[Suzetig]

I feel your pain, music has always been a strong way of me coping with feelings and I did something very similar in a small, intimate concert except I didn't know the artist, who witnessed me having a full breakdown from the stage. He was very kind to me at a time when I felt utterly humiliated.

Your T will, I imagine, just be concerned that you're ok. Try to be kind to yourself about it, you're only human.

 

[CelticHarp]

Hi, I think your t should not have been there and he should have warned you. My t once asked if she could attend the same event as me and I said yes and told her to say hello if she saw me. She did and I sill freaked out. I had a similar reaction. It is hard. I feel for you. I'm not sure about proper protocol, but they are to avoid contact with us outside of the office.

 

[Suzetig]

They're to avoid a dual relationship which might be harmful to their client but avoiding outside the office could be imposible e.g. a T practicing in their local community is likely to see their clients out and about and it sounds like the T didn't know they were going until after the OPs session. So, if for example their partner bought tickets as a surprise it's a bit unreasonable to expect them not to go especially when explaining why they couldn't might out someone as being their client.

I think it's just one of those things and there will be opportunity to talk to T about it.

 

[Muted]

I'm so embarrassed. I'm sad I couldn't fully be there to support my friend. I'm mortified that my T saw it, and felt awful that I potentially made him uncomfortable in that situation. And now my heart just hurts.

I get being embarrassed, because music is so powerful and often reaches emotion deep inside as well as expresses feelings in a unique way. It can just hit you so suddenly. It does that for me too, in fact, a few months ago I heard a song in a store that reminds me of my daughter and I mentioned that to the clerk and then my eyes started filling up with tears and I was so embarrassed and got out of there as fast as I could. The kindness of the store clerk asking about my daughter after I told her about the song was so caring and unexpected and between that and the music...

It sounds like you have an extremely compassionate friend, who must be incredibly understanding of what your going through if her music is like a "mirror to your heart". And what an honor for her to know her trauma can be turned into music to reach that emotion in others.

As far as your T...he chose to go and he knew you were going to be there, because you told him. If he was uncomfortable that is something he needs to either come to terms with or talk about or something. He may have been torn about how to respond, but unless you ask him and he tells you, you don't know for sure how he felt.

Maybe next time you would feel more prepared knowing ahead of time, but in going through trauma work I get feeling like my emotions are somewhat unpredictable and It's frustrating when it feels like you don't always have control especially when it's in public.

 

[mrsmegan]

I'm sorry you're hurting. Seems like it was a perfect storm. I'm sure your friend understands. And I'm sure your T wouldn't want you feeling mortified.
Your emotions are valid. And music has a way of reaching places other things can't in some of us. When that happens you can't (and shouldn't have to) control how your emotions react.
Your T became a T because he wants to help hurting people heal. Remind yourself of that. Also, he knew you would be there and made the choice to to.
And your friend will understand. Your job is to give yourself the same grace your friend will give you.

Thank you. That's exactly what it felt like, a perfect storm. And it was so much less about him than about the way her music poured emotion out of me.

I feel your pain, music has always been a strong way of me coping with feelings and I did something very similar in a small, intimate concert except I didn't know the artist, who witnessed me having a full breakdown from the stage. He was very kind to me at a time when I felt utterly humiliated.

Your T will, I imagine, just be concerned that you're ok. Try to be kind to yourself about it, you're only human.

Thanks, yes, I hope that is the case when I see him again.

It sounds like you have an extremely compassionate friend, who must be incredibly understanding of what your going through if her music is like a "mirror to your heart". And what an honor for her to know her trauma can be turned into music to reach that emotion in others.

(...)

Maybe next time you would feel more prepared knowing ahead of time, but in going through trauma work I get feeling like my emotions are somewhat unpredictable and It's frustrating when it feels like you don't always have control especially when it's in public.

Yes, my friend is beautiful and was so understanding and loving to me. And yes, It is so hard having unpredictable emotions and reactions. As I mentioned, on a different day, seeing my T maybe wouldn't have bothered me or threw me off so much.

 

[Freedomfighter]

So, T and I had our normal 2 hour "funfest" therapy session yesterday. It went well, left in a good pl...

Yeah, music does that to me too. It is a very powerful medium and I believe that it really can intensify trauma, but can also help to heal.

Your T should have refrained from attending this session. It should have been your T to excuse himself from a situation in which he would have to face a patient in a private setting. The office of the Therapist is for therapy sessions, I just don't think it was wise of him to place himself into a setting that places patients and doctors into a situation in which privacy might be an issue.

Because of you seeing your Therapist you may have visually connected past trauma, the influence of the music, as well as his therapy sessions to his presence in that setting. I can totally understand that such strong influences could send you over the edge.

Very sorry that happened to you.

 

[mrsmegan]

So T and I met on Tuesday. It was a rough session - I had a really hard time piecing apart the feelings I had around seeing him there versus the emotion I felt from my own trauma/hurt. I don't think that I handled it very well. It just sucks as I feel like things have just been "off" for the last several weeks due to absences (T was sick) and just stupid disagreements on my part.

 

[Laurie2001]

Your emotions are so OK. All of them. There's nothing wrong with crying when listening to such beautiful music that's emotionally evocative and even more so since you and your friend went through the same kind of trauma. And if I was your therapist I would be probably feel bad that my being there was so hard for you and was unexpected and in no way be upset with you for having an emotional reaction. It is totally understandable. As for therapist's being sick, I had a hard time when my therapist was sick and was able to reschedule 2 days later. It just felt like a loss. I told her how hard it was and she said she had other clients who had the same reaction.

 

[mrsmegan]

Thanks @Laurie2001 for your response and support. I'm still feeling just such a disconnect with my T - and it's not even him, it's me. I am just feeling disconnected from everyone....