Relationship Trying to Stay Sane Alone

[Pippi427]

He's gone dark on me after 7 months.
He's even skipped my birthday.
He hasn't bothered to even break up with me.

What do I do to bide my time? I can't decide if I should be letting him go or holding space. The never ending struggle of the supporter. The last time, I let him go because I didn't know what was happening. Then he came back. I had just started to date someone new, so I broke up with that guy to get back with my L. (It had been 2 months since I had heard from him.)

It makes me scared to move on now, but also scared not to move on. The Lyrics of the Stevie Nick's song "If you Ever did Believe" characterize exactly how I feel. (I won't post them because it's against Copyright.)

I've been writing letters. I've attached my first letter here if anyone wants to read it. I call this the "Everything Letter" This is the letter I would send if I wanted to just walk away from everything and tell him exactly how I feel. I probably won't send this because it could really hurt someone's feelings who is suffering.

 

[Sweetpea76]

What do I do to bide my time? I can't decide if I should be letting him go or holding space.

When you're emotionally ready to let go, you'll be able to let go. When your partner takes off with either no explanation, or no closure, it's a gut-pinch. It's a double gut-punch if you have no idea if they've actually left or not.

Meanwhile... self care and soul searching. Take care of yourself and your mental health first. It wouldn't matter if he was Prince Charming, Ghandi, and Jude Law wrapped up into one. If being with him is making you nuts, then the relationship isn't worth it. Your mental health isn't something to sacrifice for any partner.

You have to put as much effort into yourself as you put into him. You've been taking care of him, but have you been doing even half of that for yourself? Step back and think about it through an impartial lens.

These adjustments have to be made no matter if he stays or goes, so it's a good first step in healing.

 

[joeylittle]

I probably won't send this because it could really hurt someone's feelings who is suffering.

I agree that sending it is a bad idea - not so much because it might hurt his feelings, but because it's lashing out with a very strong emotional weapon. You're not overtly threatening suicide, true - but you're indirectly threatening it by making it clear that you are in extraordinary pain, have refused hospitalization, are seeking methods, and the only thing preventing you is the possibility of him contacting you - but also, he can't contact you without being prepared to answer all the questions, and give the apology.

I think what you really want is to talk with him - is that right? You want to know if this is #2 in a pattern, and he'll come back (which is, in itself, a problem) - or if this is for real, and he's never coming back. And if it's for real, you want a chance to tell him what impact that's had on you (which is totally understandable).

I can really hear the pain in the letter, and I think you want him to hear that pain and take you seriously. And that's understandable, too - totally. I just want to really encourage you to turn your mind away from any kind of suicidal ideation, because (as I'm sure you know), it's dangerous. You're under a ton of emotional pressure and things can build up and then they can snap, before you're ready for them. I'm glad you've got people checking in on you, and want to encourage you to keep writing here, and to think of that (and this) support you're getting as belonging to how you are going to survive this event (him, the ghosting), not how to end your life because it's the last straw in a series of really difficult events that you've been going through.

So, one: you are fighting back. Keep fighting.

And two: contacting anyone with something like this will only result in you never being able to believe the response you get, because you can always tell yourself that he only came back because you were in such a bad way - whether that's true or not won't matter.

Aside from the suicidal ideation, there's a lot in that letter that it could be good to share with him, as a way of saying - 'this is where I'm at, this is how I see what we were building together, and I'm not going to just be OK with assuming you've moved on - so, we need to talk.'

And, quoting for truth and wisdom:

Meanwhile... self care and soul searching. Take care of yourself and your mental health first. It wouldn't matter if he was Prince Charming, Ghandi, and Jude Law wrapped up into one. If being with him is making you nuts, then the relationship isn't worth it. Your mental health isn't something to sacrifice for any partner.

You have to put as much effort into yourself as you put into him. You've been taking care of him, but have you been doing even half of that for yourself? Step back and think about it through an impartial lens.

These adjustments have to be made no matter if he stays or goes, so it's a good first step in healing.

I couldn't agree more.

 

[Pippi427]

I agree that sending it is a bad idea - not so much because it might hurt his feelings, but because it's lashing out with a very strong emotional weapon. You're not overtly threatening suicide, true - but you're indirectly threatening it by making it clear that you are in extraordinary pain, have refused hospitalization, are seeking methods, and the only thing preventing you is the possibility of him contacting you - but also, he can't contact you without being prepared to answer all the questions, and give the apology.

I think what you really want is to talk with him - is that right? You want to know if this is #2 in a pattern, and he'll come back (which is, in itself, a problem) - or if this is for real, and he's never coming back. And if it's for real, you want a chance to tell him what impact that's had on you (which is totally understandable).

I can really hear the pain in the letter, and I think you want him to hear that pain and take you seriously. And that's understandable, too - totally. I just want to really encourage you to turn your mind away from any kind of suicidal ideation, because (as I'm sure you know), it's dangerous. You're under a ton of emotional pressure and things can build up and then they can snap, before you're ready for them. I'm glad you've got people checking in on you, and want to encourage you to keep writing here, and to think of that (and this) support you're getting as belonging to how you are going to survive this event (him, the ghosting), not how to end your life because it's the last straw in a series of really difficult events that you've been going through.

So, one: you are fighting back. Keep fighting.

And two: contacting anyone with something like this will only result in you never being able to believe the response you get, because you can always tell yourself that he only came back because you were in such a bad way - whether that's true or not won't matter.

Aside from the suicidal ideation, there's a lot in that letter that it could be good to share with him, as a way of saying - 'this is where I'm at, this is how I see what we were building together, and I'm not going to just be OK with assuming you've moved on - so, we need to talk.'

I have gotten some help with medication and therapy. It helps to have a forum to write things, too. Thank you for being here. That's just the honest truth how bad it got. I would never share that with him presently. That would be an "after it happened a long time ago..." type story if it would still be relevant.

 

[Pippi427]

So here goes another letter...This would be the letter I'd put with the Tshirt he was supposed to get at the race I did for him:

Dear L,

This is to be a positive letter about a loose end I tied up this weekend. I had signed up for a 10k before you unexplanably stopped talking to me. Because I want my actions to match my words, I completed the 10k...in the rain. The 10k was for Aortic Aneurysm in support of you.

The race sponsor had these shirts that I really liked so I got one in your size when I registered for the race earlier in August. I couldn’t possibly keep this shirt right now, but please do with it as you see fit. You’ll be pleased to hear I not only recorded a personal best that day, but I also got a first place medal like I always told you I would.

You deserve someone who would run 6 miles in the rain for you even if it ain’t me.

I don’t want to say goodbye, but I do want you to be happy. My lines of communication are open.

 

[Pippi427]

Ugh...wanted to post a cleaned up copy of my friend's letter but that would probably violate copyright. Dang. :/

 

[Pippi427]

We'll just say my BFF notices how much ruminating I'm doing. Wondering what the hell I did to provoke this isolation, or why the hell I'm not important enough for him to tell me he's f*cking alive. Maybe....maybe that post he made on LinkedIn was his way of telling me. Then why did he read my message begging him to tell me what happened and pouring my heart out and not say a damn thing?

Why did you stop talking to me? I didn’t do anything wrong. Did you meet someone else?
We spent so much time getting to know one another. We cared for one another. I just want to know what happened. You became very special to me. I’m sorry if I did something to scare you away.
I only ever wanted good things for you.
I still care.
I’ll stop talking to you though if you think it’s best. I care what you want.
I'm sure you are busy at work. Anyways, I want to be sure you know I am not mad at you, but do want to know what happened. The feelings I have for you don't go away quickly. However, I respect you enough to let you live your life. But we did date for about 9 months total. I would like to know what happened. Knowing you has changed my life and decoupling you from my thoughts and feelings will take time.
I know your head was all wonky because of your divorce. I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you. Just tell me what happened. I showed you *real love*, and never asked for anything back but honest communication.

 

[EveHarrington]

Can I comment as a sufferer?

 

[Pippi427]

Can I comment as a sufferer?

Yes, please.

 

[EveHarrington]

For me, I just go numb. I don't feel anything for someone and don't care if I don't have contact with them ever again. I know I said I'm a pusher, but this time after the push, or we'll even in the middle of the push, kind of before too....the numbness just set in and I don't care. It's been getting worse, even my therapist saw it in session... I'm ok posting here, I'm ok with my mom, but with him I just don't care. I guess I am numb all around, it's just that I can deal with certain people but not with others, him being one of them, my dad, too. Sorry I'm a rambling mess right now, it's more difficult to write when the dissociation starts. But anyway, when he contacts me, I just have no feelings. He says he loves me and wants me in his life and I feel nothing. It's a wall, a fortress, and nothing gets through. I guess what I want to say is that you could do anything/everything to try and get through to him and get nothing in return....it's not you. You're a "victim" of the episode so to speak. I feel for you as what's happening to you isn't fair. I don't know what it's like to have normal emotions. In my mind I don't even understand how this hurts a supporter. I hope something I said helps.

 

[Pippi427]

Thank you for your perspective. It helps me see it as a self-protective mechanism and not indicative of the fact that I failed some how. I hope you have less reason to push in the future. I know it can't be something you really want.

 

[EveHarrington]

No, I don't think you've failed at all. I think you've done you're best, which in all honesty, to me, seems better than a lot of supporters who post here looking for help. (Not trying to offend anyone, just trying to give perspective on you doing the right things, but this ptsd animal just being something that can't be tamed.)

Me, I say fight like hell, give it your all, and at the end of the day, if it just doesn't work out, you can walk away knowing you did everything in your power, but it just wasn't meant to be. I'm not saying you won't be in pain....I just tell myself this so that I don't feel like a failure, as some things are just out of our hands.

....I think you've given it your all, I think you've done everything you can....but at the end of the day it takes two to make a relationship work. Sadly I don't think you can do anything more until he chooses to engage with you again. I'm really sorry you're dealing with all this right now. I know it's very difficult. :hug: