Up To Fourth Time This Year Abusing Scripts

[Jnean]

I promised my T today that if I wanted to take more medication than what is prescribed and or if I was taking meds I'm not prescribed to anymore, that I would tell my wife and ask her for help to get me through the moment or moments that I feel a need to. I didn't hold to that promise already just a few hours tops and I found myself doing it with out telling a soul. Does this make me a bad person, a liar yes, I cried for help today when I told my T today about doing this three times this yr so far. We went over the dangers. Its very possible i wouldnt wake back up someday i do this. She is just worried about me. So is my wife. I usually do it to feel numb, tonight I don't know what I wanted.

 

[Sideways]

This sounds like self-harm. Different from cutting or burning, but still self-harm...

In psycho-speak, they call it "acting out", because it's behaviour that is seeking to act out distressing feelings by physical or behavioural means. We tend to reach for self harm when, like you said, the feelings get overwhelming and we want to release them somehow.

DBT is really helpful for this stuff for a lot of people, because it teaches you how to cope better with the really distressing emotions better and to adopt other strategies (safer, healthier strategies) to manage the emotions before they get out of hand.

Last night? Possibly the idea of this coping strategy being taken away was itself quite distressing. That's also common with self-harm. Once we know that we can self harm and have control of the release of our emotions, it's really scary to have that coping mechanism taken away.

I go through some really nasty and very dangerous self harm phases myself. So I'm not gonna pretend this is a quick fix, or that it's as easy as it sounds. But ultimately, being able to recognise and then manage your own emotions in a healthy way is a huge part of recovery for a lot of us, and can really turn around your well-being overall.

Explained to the lay person, that sounds a lot like a petulant child being sent to the naughty corner till they learn how to behave. The reality is that the emotions you're experiencing are multiple times more distressing what the average Joe has to cope with, and NOT experiencing emotions (keeping them bottled up) is how a lot of us have survived our trauma in the first place. So what you're dealing with is big. Really big.

But there are strategies that teach us how to react differently, not need self harm, and look after ourselves the way we deserve.

You deserve to look after yourself. You deserve to be safe. And it's great that you've got support in place to give you the care that, one day, you'll be able to give to yourself.

It's rough, but you're heading in the right direction, so don't give up on yourself:)

 

[sun seeker]

Once we know that we can self harm and have control of the release of our emotions, it's really scary to have that coping mechanism taken away

This is really helpful to me in explaining the extra anxiety I am experiencing. It isn't about self harm, but one of my coping strategies has been taken away and I feel like I am particularly anxious just because I don't know what I would do in a crisis. Thanks, it helps to be able to explain it.

Sorry... don't mean to distract from the OP.

 

[mamachick]

@sun seeker, I take less pain meds that prescirbed. I was prescribed 4 per day but was only taking one. I had to take Adderoll for a daytime sleep disorder related to head injury 2 times per day, I only took 1 dose most days. Then I took xanax to sleep, and admittedly took all allowed and became dependent. With no goal to self harm, I do have negative thoughts in the background (I dont deserve, Im a bad person, etc) going on off and on though I try to combat those thoughts. My dr took all my meds because somehow I took many pain meds. It was very serious as the acetiminiphine would have killed my liver but I was infused at the hospital. I thought that the xanax withheld would be the worst but I am managing. However, I am in constant pain and the med they gave me does not work so I am taking my old ones against medical advice. (have stock pile since I saved 3 per day for months)

I ingested them during my sleep (I have parasomnia and do things in my sleep-have never been treated for). I know there is a part of me that is self harming. I know this is really risky and I know that I should not take any pain meds currently, but dont know what to do as I cant take any over the counter due to stomach problems. The pain is unbearable. I have damaged my lungs and maybe my heart.

I dont have any answers but wanted to share with you as I do see it as , if not self harm, at very least, very risky business with meds. I have no supports that have a clue about ptsd and what it is like living with this. Therefore I feel very unaccepted as I am. I dont want to cause others pain or concern and I hear that with you as well, particularly your wife. I feel quilt also for worrying others.

 

[Sideways]

@sun seeker - not at all. This is a big issue and poorly dealt with and a sore spot for me.

Self harm is any behaviour that causes injury or damage or harm to yourself, and often, it isn't done with "I need to feel physical pain" in mind. It's just a way to cope. And short term, it usually works. The emotions and thoughts in our head go away. Drinking is a common one.

People react to "obvious & socially unacceptable" self harm like cutting and mild overdoses badly. They see "attention seeking". In fact many of us go to great lengths to hide our self harm, and feel immense shame about it. The fact is, when you see someone with cuts all up their arm, there may be a small amount of attention seeking there for a small number of self harmers, but usually, that's actually just how much distress they're in.

The short term emotional benefit that we get from the self harm works. That's why it's addictive. Because how many things actually take away the pain and the thoughts that quickly and that effectively?

Personally, I think acknoledging the huge amount of psychology going on is really key to being able to address it effectively.

 

[sun seeker]

I take less pain meds that prescirbed

I think you mean to address this to the OP and not me, am I right? I'm on about a different subject entirely.

Just wanted to clarify that. Something @Ragdoll Circus said brought to mind how the removal of a coping strategy can make us anxious, but my coping strategy that has been removed has nothing to do with self harm.

 

[Jnean]

I feel pretty bad today for lying. It's as if my wife knows anyway. She would give me full support too but it means I have to brave enough to be honest about this and I'm sure I have a problem with it. I may say I have only done it four times this year but really it just turned May. Which really means once a month. I am being hard on myself for this. My T called it overdosing. I never thought of it that way. My T is very caring. I know now I need to go outside of my normal support for help. Looking up some open meetings now. Thanks all.

 

[Jnean]

I told my wife because I can't keep anything from her, i love her and she can always see right through it anyway. Shes so supportive. So i decided to invite her with me...I'm going to a meeting tonight to listen. I self harm, I self medicate, I over medicate, I overdose and stop short of suicide or so I think at the time, bottom line i misuse and abuse medications. It's difficult for me not to want to or not to think about it.

 

[Sideways]

Tough gig, but you're being completely honest with yourself and your wife, you're using rather than abusing your supports, and you've stepped up to the plate to deal with it. That's huge. That's courageous. Hoping things turn around for you soon:)

 

[EveHarrington]

Can you throw the old scripts away?

Can your wife ration out your meds for the day so that's all you have access to?

 

[Jnean]

I spoke up at the meeting, talked about my drug abuse, I think the more I go, the more real it gets for me and hopefully it's going to help me with the feeling and fears of wanting to use to not feel anything.

 

[The Albatross]

Good on you jnean for being open and candid at least here (it's a start) about the scope of your issues with your drug use. Glad too, you have the awareness that this is something that needs to be dealt with and that you are working with your spouse and shrink.