Childhood Validation And Learning It Was Worse Than I Thought

[amy4k]

I talked with my Mom yesterday. My 14 yr old daughter had contacted her and asked to move in for the summer because of the flare-up recently in my PTSD. So, we talked about things and I asked her about my childhood of which she knows I remember very little.

I've always attributed a lot of my PTSD to childhood sexual abuse outside the home, with moderate levels of emotional and verbal abuse in the home (father and older sister). My mother is the Queen of Minimization, and has always had a tendency to ignore things she just doesn't want to acknowledge. So, I am 39 years old and she finally tells me that shortly before I was born my father started becoming physically abusive towards her and after I was born very threatening towards me. She was forced to work three jobs when I was young, but when she was home she felt like she constantly had to protect me because I was the one he would turn on. This continued until they separated when I was 4.

Even after their divorce my parents maintained a close friendship so my father has always been in my life both good & bad.

At the age of three she took me to a psychologist because of tantrums, beating my head, hiding and repetitive behaviors. The "diagnosis" was that I was highly intelligent and was manipulating for attention. Solution: learn to ignore it and I would grow out of it. At seven I was evaluated again because of my fantasy world and occasional lack of involvement in the real world. Again, it was blamed on my intelligence and I would grow out of it. At 12, it was again just manipulative behavior...ignore. All of these evaluations I have no memory of. My mother tried, but small town psychiatry of the 70's and 80's apparently really sucked.

At 18, when I was hospitalized my parents told me and the social worker that they couldn't think of anything that might have caused my issues. So, my memories I do have have always been clouded with this sense of denial.

So, yesterday's conversation has broken down this wall of denial. Not only that yes, your memories are real, but that it was even worse than you remember. I just feeling so uncertain, so numb.

 

[Comfort_In_Sharing]

I'm so sorry! I had to respond because I feel like I'm reading about my own life.

I have huge, huge issues with validation too. I was brought up in a very abusive home. My mother was beaten by my father and between 3-4 years old, I was apparently molested my him too - I say apparently, because I have no actual memory and perhaps I'm in denial, because my mother is not the most credible source, but I feel really confused about the truth too. My mother left him shortly afterwards and filed for divorce. After telling her several months later what he had done, I was sent to a child psychologist but the outcome was deemed 'inconclusive' because I didn't divulge any substantial information at the time.

Going back to validation, I too have a mother who's the Queen of Minimization. I went through a period of sleepwalking and was absolutely terrified to go to sleep throughout all of my childhood years. I strongly remember being hysterical because she would shout at me for 'making a big deal' about needing the bedside light on or being frightened of the ticking clock in my bedroom as a little girl. She even threatened that I would end up in a psychiatric hospital one day if I 'carried on'.

At 30, its only come out recently that she also believes i used to 'try to make herself faint' from the ages of 5 right through to 16. I actually did faint several times through school and I remember her taking me to hospital, every week for tests. I was told I had epilepsy but looking back, now I know they couldn't put their finger on the reason why. It's only now I've learnt about somatic symptoms which explain absolutely everything!

Anyhow, I totally get how you are feeling. I just wanted to say that I too have been labeled as over sensitive and as someone who's always been supposedly overreacting. Even now, my mom refuses to believe my diagnosis of PTSD. She claims being nervous is in 'our genes', and I'm a worrier, just as some people are 'afraid of thunderstorms' :) That's actually so funny saying out loud!

Not being taken seriously has completely ruined my relationship with her since I've started therapy and I'm slowly learning that she was incapable of providing the love and care that I needed all along. The therapist I've found is wonderful though and totally gets me. We had serious issues at the beginning with trust and me making sure I'm being believed and validated. I still doubt it from time to time but know that it's the past coming back to haunt me and it's so deeply ingrained.

With you feeling uncertain and dumb, I understand how you feel there too. Sometimes, I don't allow myself to even start to dwell on everything's that's happened because it's too much to handle and so I choose to zone out, make myself go to sleep or create art (which is my only solace). One thing I keep hearing though, despite all this doubt in my head, is that only I know, in my body, what has happened to me and how I'm feeling really is real but I it's hard to accept after you've been ignored and belittled for so long.

I hope you get more clearer answers with therapy. You're not alone. I hope that provides a touch of comfort at least :)

 

[amy4k]

Because of my parents close friendship all those years I was made to feel like my feelings and memories could not be real. I couldn't resolve the differences between the anxiety concerning my Dad and how everybody else told me (through words and actions) how I should feel. I couldn't trust myself. No matter what happened after in my life I was always questioning "did that really happen to me" even when I was raped as a teenager and have proof...I still questioned whether or not it really happened. I dissociate and my reality always seems questionable. I cannot make decisions because I don't trust my feelings.

The validation from my Mom is helpful going forward...it is going to take a lot of unraveling of my ball of yarn, but at least I might finally be able to totally address some of my earliest traumas. But, I can't help to be angry because things could have been so much different if this had come out the first time I was hospitalized when I was 18.

 

[In Exile]

My mother still won't take responsibility for her share of the insanity, and now doesn't want to talk about it.

The severe abuse in house started well before I was born. Before my mother clammed up, she talked about the family environent was schizophrenic, with things being fun and happy when my father was out, but just insanely stressful and abusive when he was around.

My younger brother was hospitalized when he was 17. One sister was seen by someone when she was 6 or 7, my other brother got into trouble for raping some kids (which he did to me and a younger brother as well, but no one would have listened), my father was censored by the Mormon church (we were members) for molesting my sisters, my mother attempted suicide when I was 8, we had a couple of rounds of family counseling and nothing, ever was said about the abuse.