What do i owe to my addict ex?

[PreciousChild]

I've been struggling with this issue for over a decade. I met and married a man that very much reflected my dysfunctional childhood. He was helpless, irresponsible, passive-aggressive, and worst of all addicted to gambling. He was exactly what I needed - someone like my father who I served endlessly without reciprocation. Of course, I only saw how he was different from my father.

He and I had a child. We divorced when my son was less than two and he often disappeared, leaving our son hanging, and inconsistently supported our son until he completely stopped. I tried to keep the relationship between him and our son going, but after a while, our tween son gave up. My ex will insist on seeing him, and then when the arrangement is made, he'll drop it.

I have this Dr. Jeckyll / Mr. Hyde thing going with him. I get so mad about all the ways he disappoints me and our son, and I tell him how much damage he's doing, so that he'll get help. I call him names, cuss at him, etc. Then I'll feel really guilty and go out of my way to find him a therapist, help him in any way I can. But no matter what I do, he always quits therapy or gambler's anonymous, and goes right back to his ways. I've been divorced from him for over a decade. Can't I just cut off all relations? My pyschological drama with him has probably held me back in many ways. But I keep getting drawn back because I feel like I need to help my son's dad be a dad to him. In the latest episode, I found out my ex is finally going to lose his rented apartment due to his excessive gambling. He'll be homeless. I feel like I'm being pulled in again to help him. He's tens of thousands of dollars in arrears to me. He has no one else, not even his parents who will help him.

 

[Mach123]

I'm sorry and I wouldn't begin to tell you what to do, and I understand. We had lots of people on both sides of our family like that, it looked different, circumstances were different, but the BS was the same. It is awful stuff to have to go through. I always feel the same, it's always part of the same pattern. Plug different people into it, but it all looks the same. Makes me sad.

 

[Ronin]

He has no one else, not even his parents who will help him.

You cannot help him by enabling the cycle of his addiction though.
Nor do you owe him that. You owe yourself, and your son, a better life.

Also someone who will teach him better things about commitments and staying true to own words, than his Dad can.
He is not being a Dad to him when he abandons him and only gets all of you in trouble.

 

[LuckiLee]

10 years?? Time to cut the apron strings!!

10 years and his situation has only gotten worse. I think you should just worry about you and your son. Putting your son through all of this will only cause him more pain.

Just my 02 cents.

 

[Esterio]

I would agree with all ^^^^^. I would have to stop helping him if he is not helping himself. I think you should try to move on for your health and the health of your son.
Esterio

 

[scout86]

But I keep getting drawn back because I feel like I need to help my son's dad be a dad to him.

How's that working? You don't owe him a thing. Sounds like he owes you. Literally.

He has no one else, not even his parents who will help him.

In the end, the most important person to help him is going to be him. Somehow, for some reason, he's got to decide something needs to change. No one else can give him that. It's great that you treat him like a decent human being, in spite of everything. But you sure don't owe him anything else.

 

[PreciousChild]

Thank you so much everyone. In my heart, I know what is the best thing to do, and I sometimes even act accordingly, but the pull is so powerful. It is so helpful to get your feedback after sharing an honest description of what's going on.

Last year, I had a revelatory moment that has helped me to distance myself from my ex. When I was 11 years old, my father had attempted suicide after years and years of training me to take care of him and make him happy. An accident had left him disabled - I was his servant (literally staying by his bedside to await orders every moment I was home) and mediator to the outside world from the time I was 6 years old. He had used awe and shock measures throughout my toddlerhood to "break me" even before that.

All of these decades, I don't recall a single notable or worthwhile emotion I had the day I woke up, found my mom crying on the phone, and me taking the phone and telling 911 to please come, my father is bleeding to death. But only last year, I realized how profoundly I was affected by his attempt. He never came home after that, spending a stint in a psychiatric ward, and then a divorce. How could I not have a reaction to the sheer void that was left after my commander and reason for being was gone? I realized that I had felt from that time I on, I was the reason for the attempt - I was guilty of attempted murder. My ex knew that I carried around a lot of guilt, and actually threatened suicide several times. Every time he threatened to kill himself, it was like I would lift the entire world in order to prevent a murder a second time. None of this was conscious on my part. Even now, I have to try really hard not to feel responsible for my ex for his miserable condition. I have to convince myself that just because I met him in my 20's does not mean I have to be dragged down by him for the rest of my life. I feel sorry for him, but I feel sorry for a lot of people. I know you all are right, and I know I need to keep a mental focus on my son and well-being. Thank you, Mach123, Ronin, Luckilee, and scout86 and Esterio.

 

[Esterio]

Hi Precious

You do know what to do. Please leave the guilt it does no one any good and your son really needs you. Good luck I know this is difficult for you, your son and/or husband. I hope all goes well.

Peace be safe
Esterio

 

[PreciousChild]

Hi Precious

You do know what to do. Please leave the guilt it does no one any good and your son real...

Thanks Esterio. It could be a lot easier for me and my son than I make it.

 

[Esterio]

It would be easier for all of you I think.By the sounds of things you and your son need distance until he makes some forward steps of his own then maybe things could be different. Right now you are all getting hurt.