Why Do Parents Hate Their Kids?

[Core]

You can reach out and work on the loneliness. If it's difficult for you to recognize by yourself, learn red flags that point to abusive behaviour and stay aware, without being paranoid. If you're scared of letting someone in, that is something you can work on too. It takes time and challenging yourself, but it can be done. It's up to you to fix it.

 

[MomOfTwo]

MotherofTwo, You're lucky to have found all that support and love. (

Raven,
I am sorry you have not been able to find that in your life. I am not lucky. I really dislike that word actually because it implies that what I have achieved has not been worked for. I have had to work hard at it. The people that love me that are in my life is because not only did I have to be open to love but I also had to risk being rejected. Not an easy thing when your family of origin was one that made you feel unloveable. I believe that luck is not what most people have. Self love is critical in order to love someone else. I don't think it is possible to love someone else unless you love yourself. I guess to be loved is to risk not being loved as well.

I struggle with being good to myself and have negative messages in my head that I am not worthy of most things I have in my life. I know that those are not voices of reason. They are just leftover remnants of a very flawed life. One that I struggle and work at keeping in the background as much as possible.

I think some people have luck but most don't. I think Oprah said something about 'Choosing' how we want to live our lives. I think it is very simplistic but when you get down to it she is correct. We can choose how we react to things. As children we never had choices. We have choices now.

My dad told me just last week that he is amazed at how I am so 'unlucky' but I handle everything so well. He is correct. I have had so many horrible things happen in my life. I have had so many surgeries, health problems, sick preemies, and things go wrong but I always try to not focus on the worst thing. I think if I did I would just be so unhappy.

I have many friends that could not have children and I lost a baby as well and that is not easy. Most of my friends that could not have children have fur-babies. I have a couple of friends in their 40's never married and it is getting too late for them to have kids. I feel bad for them but they are a big part of my tots lives and are their favourite 'aunties' in the world.

You have to say to yourself that you are worth something. You have survived all of this for a reason. There must be something positive you can think about yourself whether it be physical or emotional or intellectual. I know I am a good listener and that is why I have been able to make friends fairly easily.

You can call your local chapter of Mental Health and see what they have to say about resources you can have access to. The doctor I see is covered by health insurance but not the therapist. Some therapists or doctors have sliding fee scales and some it is free depending on your income.

I hope all the advice everyone here has given you brings you some hope or comfort. I know I have appreciated what the site members and administrators have provided us with. I think some of my best therapy has been here and as well doing things like pottery and crafts.

 

[raven123]

Momoftwo, Online people here are great. Wish I could meet them offline or lived near some. Unfortunately, the local chapter of Mental Health is just a phone number at a shrinks office. He had no expertise in sex abuse. I still have yet to figure out what the "association" actually does.

I live in N Florida and pretty much nothing here. Only one shrink here has experience with sex abuse and she turned me down since I couldn't commit to 2 years of counseling due to lack of funds and no insurance. Catholic Social Services offers nothing. They've been promising counseling for years and can't get anyone to do it, or big lack of funds. They wouldn't say for sure. Salvation Army cutbacks ended any support for men I was told. They can't even support women in crises I was told. They turn away abused women from their shelter constantly cause it's full all the time. All the local churches here throw domestic crisis on the Salvation Army. Yeah, ain't real Christian, is it? It's a hypocritical and social club many of them. If you aren't rich, an employed professional, from certain families, etc., they won't associate with you.

The state has a counseling center, but, long story short, they violated my privacy and were pretty nasty about it. I regret not suing. I should've.

There are no support groups I could find except NA and AA. I checked churches and found none, too. Bigger cities have them. Just not here. I was shocked none of the churches had support groups for rape and domestic crisis since this area is full of it. At night, that is all cops do. Sad, sad.

All our hospitals are for-profit now. No insurance, no services. Read about a guy that went to the ER and was suicidal. The found he had no insurance. He was cured. Yeah, it's that bad. Met him at the college.

If I was female, there would be something open to me here. Since male, nope. I even tried to use legal aid for bankruptcy. They supposedly have it for low income and no income. Brochure said they did. It said I'd qualify. Receptionist saw I was male and wouldn't even let me fill out an application for it. She refused to even give me an application. I called. Same thing. Found out, if you are male, they lie to you because services are limited and they really only want women using them. That is so wrong.

Talked to first call for help. Nothing offered. Male thing again. Males are shut out of most things. I used to donate lots of money. In the future, I won't except to one organization--homeless places.

I'm Catholic. Talked to a priest about my problem finding therapy. He found a shrink. Called and no insurance, no money no service. She had no sex abuse qualifications anyway. Exactly which part of broke and no insurance did he not get? I'm now an EX-Catholic. Hate to be a jerk, but I've given all kinds of money to them in the past and when I went for assistance, I got a no.

I know a lot of the shrinks here. They'll treat anything regardless of what they can treat just for the money. Yeah, it's wrong. Many are into that child psychology scam (keep rich brats out of juvenile hall basically, court work) cause it pays extremely well.

Men are expendable. Hate to say it, but it's true.

 

[Still Alive Inside]

Hi Raven,

Interesting. Someone just quoted that same quote to me. Looks like he's snooping around PTSD forums..

I have no idea why some parents hate their kids, but some do. My mom is a sociopath pedophile. My dad never saved us. I don't believe my dad hated us, in fact I know he loved and loves us, but my mom.. she hates me. When I tried to find comfort with her about the traumas, she advised that I kill myself lest I "ruin the family". Gotta love the emotional blackmail.

There's something the moderator said that brings comfort.. Glad to know I'm not alone.

To those who are saying things like ,"They don't hate their kids they just don't know what to say because they know somethings wrong with us." Who are you talking about? Who is "they"? Your own parents? Because I know you're not talking about people and things you know nothing about. That's great and wonderful that not everyone's parents let their kids know how much they hate them, but I thought this was a thread about people who felt that our parents hate/intentionally harm us.

 

[Nicolette]

Looks like he's snooping around PTSD forums..

Would you please explain this Still Alive Inside. Who is snooping around please?

 

[The Albatross]

You don't credit your husband? That would be a big support system, too ... Did you forget all that? How much more support do you have? Best girlfriends? Kids? A church that actually cares about you?

Sounds like you have lots of help I could only dream of having. Must be nice. I have none of that local help.

You do realize that it would take me many pages to write out fully the last 13 years of my experience with co-occuring behaviors and how I recovered, right? I took my recovery into my own hands. I hold my relationships apart and seperate form my mental/emotional well being. I decided to cultivate for myself, autonomy.

My husband and family did not intervene when I nearly killed myself with alcoholism. My husband and family preferred to call me angry or crazy. I went to Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings online for 6 months before I had the courage to go to a face to face meeting. It was abundantly clear, that my husband and family had their own problems and their own issues, they were not only not helpful for me but detrimental because when I sought to change my behavior they fought for the status quo.

If I was going to recover it was up to me. I did 3 1/2 years in AA, 1 1/2 in Alanon, 1 year Adult Children of Alcoholics, and a large part of all the associated books on the reading list (available at the library), some codependency meetings but reading was more helpful. I am a member of SMART Recovery for relapse prevention which is where I was introduced to Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy and Cognitive Behavior Therapy techniques as they are secular and their techniques work for people who have other issues than alcohol, since I found I still had problems long after the booze was gone. I bought their book and CD and got to work. I also was a member of a small Florida faith based online group for a few years (Christians in Recovery) where I met others who had "co-occurring behaviors" (substance abuse and a mental health issue).

I was evaluated for clinical depression at my family's behest with a psychotherapist. I have attended two group therapies, both for 8-9 weeks. Once was "Rape Crisis Therapy" after my adult sexual assault by a stranger, the other was in tandem with the evaluation by a psychotherapist. I focused on the depressive aspect at that time because that's what I thought it was. It wasn't. It was PTSD.

I found this forum a couple years ago. Each year I actively look for online subscription sites for inspirational material to come to my inbox, I start my day with the reading that comes to my inbox. I have personally adopted a life based on spiritual principes, which is quite different and apart from "religion", though I do have a chuch and am an intermittent member. I am a PCA (Presbyterian Church in America) Presbyterian now. I have though been undenominational, Baptist, and Lutheren. I have also been unchurched for long stretches pre-recovery from substance abuse (alcohol).

I have had therapy 4 times for periods of up to a year an a half. Twice was joint counseling for marital issues, once was treatment for ADD/ADHD and the last time when I was in crisis with betrayals in this marriage and was getting flooded with memories from my past that were previously blacked out and I was suicidal and having violent thoughts... I didn't know what was going on or that I had PTSD til this last time. I left therapy about a year and a half ago.

My husband is apart and independent of my recovery. Rejoining a church was actually something that I did only after I realized that 12 step was faith based. Church is a stressor for me, however I decided for myself that I wanted to learn more about living a life based on spiritual principles. We did though receive 14-16 weeks of mentored counseling (again for marital issues) through our church. I have 1 3D friend at present who is cronically ill with two orphan rare genetic diseases. We meet for lunch once a month or every several weeks. Mostly we discuss our physical health issues and share things with each other that we do not say to our spouses.

I did it because it was do, die or stay unbalanced. I chose the former. As I began to recover my husband began to peek over my shoulder to see what I was reading, attending to and where I was participating on line. We read together now most evenings before going to sleep. I don't credit my husband because I am still relearning to trust my husband after my last near traumatic break. I don't credit my family because they are still sick in their behaviors. I don't credit my church, because as you have said... the are largely not equipped to assist. I don't credit my therapist, because though his sessions helped me stop the suicidal/violent ideation. I did not receive direction with what to do afterward. He sat and scribbled his notes while I did "free flow stream of consciousness" for 40 minutes.

You seem to think that it's of small import to attend groups, read literature, participate in forums or do workbooks. But it actually takes drive and discipline to initiate and sustain participation in groups or forums that are life affirming and in line with where I need to "grow" myself to overcome the adversity and manage PTSD successfully at my "highest functional level". I initially did it because I was desperate and didn't want to either die or live my life the way it was after I got sober. I continue to do it because staying in and around recovery is more beneficial for me staying between my own two ears. I am becoming self reliant for my mental/emotional management and from there I can extend myself to others. It has been a better way to live and has been worth the work.

I helped myself. Anthony helped his self. Eventually hopefully, you will help yourself too. I had access to therapy because I had the benefit of my husbands insurance. I was supported by my spouse when I was full blown agoraphobic and dealing with sobriety for a year and a half. It is not impossible to start do recovery alone without resources other than the public library, and online groups or literature. As things improve, opportunities open up.

It is becoming apparent by your responses, that you will likely read all of the above and find avenues that will allow you to keep your trauma woundings which of course is entirely your own business. I'm just telling you that it is possible to improve your life if you choose to with little or no resources (other than a library, free groups, and a computer). If you choose to attempt it and endeavor to spend as much or more time in recovery as you do in your pain, grief, anger, resentment.

It can happen. Anthony has a one page document on how to attempt it. It is a sound guide. One I wished I'd found much earlier on.

 

[The Albatross]

I have extended myself and my viewpoints far beyond the topic. I am only one person and many here have experiences that are equally as valid as mine. I have shared what I have to say and will withdrawl from this topic. It is becoming uncomfortable for me. I just know I felt alot of the same things you have. It doesn't have to be that way, it doesn't have to stay that way.

 

[Philippa]

I thought this was a thread about people who felt that our parents hate/intentionally harm us.

Actually, the title states "Why do parents hate their kids"! That is parents as in ALL parents, in the generalized sense. Not all parents do hate their kids. There was no disclaimer saying that only people whose parents hate them can participate in the thread.

 

[The Albatross]

It did go way off topic... but as Raven started the thread, I figured it was his to direct.

 

[Pencil]

Raven, on another thread I asked what would really help you.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Raven,

I truly believe that most abuse doesn't stem from hatred, but from indifference. My abusers didn't invest enough emotion to feel hatred towards us. Their shallow emotions don't allow for that depth of feeling.

I have noticed you asking members to basically be your hero. Seeking a rescuer to make it all better for us is a normal consequence of severe abuse in early childhood. I have this, too.

In fact, I have a frozen developmental state which regularly causes me to have greatly distorted ideas about the role of friends and therapists in my life. That is, I expect far too much of them, and when they inevitably can't give up their lives to meet my every need, I get stuck in feelings of anger and abandonment.

Even the best friends can't be more than a friend. They can't be my only source for comfort, healing, venting, etc. That is unfair of me to expect that. But they can be a part of a network of friendship and support so none get overwhelmed.

Cursing at others isn't healthy communication and always pushes people away. Cursing at a therapist is inappropriate, abusive, and does nothing to help us heal. Issues with our therapists are an opportunity to learn important people skills in a safe environment. We do need to adhere to some standards of conduct or we just perpetuate the maladaptive skills that make healthy people stay away from us.

Your goal first should really be to set reasonable expectations of others, and a therapist can help with that. As can we.

Also, there's no way to know for sure what our parents felt, but we can still heal without knowing the answer. That we were treated as we were is enough to say they were unhealthy and damaging to us, and there's no excuse or reason behind such bizarre behavior. It wasn't anything about us.

The pathology was about them. If we don't heal, we'll perpetuate it.

 

[Pencil]

I am going to make a statement that might get me into a lot of trouble:

I think this thread is getting too much attention from the reasonable camp. Raven, I think all the responses that are begging you to lead a healthier and happier life are simply reinforcing your habit of getting attention by thrashing absolutely everything anybody in this life has ever offered you. But somehow I suspect you are acutely aware of it, and enjoying it.

And of course, by posting this I contribute ... :confused: