I know I have "parts" insofar as I have different "modes" of operation depending on circumstances. But I am definitely NOT "DID" even though I do test pretty high (compared to "normal") on the dissociation scale (probably why I can relate so well to my man, and help him feel more "normal" about his own complexities). But I didn't really even LEARN about my own "parts" until I started working with my fiancé regarding his.
My fiancé is "undiagnosed" complex-PTSD, and he definitely has DISTINCT personalities, internally. He is currently "integrating" the two "little ones" into his primary self (alternatingly "host" / "middle me" and the main "personality" that I think of as "my man" .. but I think the "littles" are together more accurately his "core" self). And he has a "protector" formerly known as "Grumpy" (akin to the PTSD amygdala response .. he gets cued up when my man is triggered by anything that he perceives as "threatening" - whether really a "threat" or not) and "Grumpy" refers to all the rest of himself as "he/them/they" and himself VERY much disctinctly - in fact will shut the "others" out when he's really triggered .. most obvious on the couple of occasions when my emotions "triggered" him (he has perceived any feminine emotion as "threatening" insofar as it is unpredictable) .. and "Grumpy" has in those instances accused me of having treated "them" badly. "Grumpy" can't conceive of himself as an individual in the strictest sense - he KNOWS he's "part" of "them" - but he is the only one that can actually black them out. And this is VERY exhausting for my man when "Grumpy" has taken over in some case. And the "rest" of him knows that if "Grumpy" is on the scene, a) something "bad" is happening or about to happen (so lots of internal fear), and/or b) that "Middle" is going to have to "clean up his mess" after the fact - cuz "Middle" blacks out completely, and "Grumpy" has been very vindictive in the past ("Middle" refers to these bad episodes as a "hard click" but more clinically is a full "switch" to the other personality inside), and/or c) the aftereffects leave "Middle" (and the "rest" of "them") in a blurry, exhausted, confused state for sometimes as much as several days.
"Grumpy" (now known inside my man's system as "Boyfriend") was the first part of my man I ever met, actually. We met at work, and "Grumpy" was the one who was "out" cuz he was battling a very hostile work environment, and "Grumpy" is all about working the plan, sticking to the plan, and he knew he (they) NEEDED this job. So "Grumpy" was actually "out" a lot during our days working together, and I didn't know anything more than that sometimes my (then friend) was in a bad mood, or mad, etc. I have my own emotional extremes, so this didn't seem unusual to me. But while "Grumpy" always knows what is going on with the "rest" of my man (conversations had, tasks completed, etc.), the REST of my guy suffers from occasional black outs and memory loss, because "Grumpy" can't be bothered to share HIS "out" experiences with the rest of himself. It's caused my guy much angst over the years....Even once we were engaged, though "Grumpy" had agreed WE all were in a relationship, (and I wouldn't say yes to him till I was sure he was in "internal agreement" over US), "Grumpy" still referred to our relationship as me and "THEM" .. he was forever mad at me for having "killed his sister" (introducing instability with romance into a previously "just fine!" friendship where we had a "sure thing" with brother/sister love).
NOW .. wow, it's a whole different story. My fiancé has learned to manage his internal communications - he still HEARS the "others" AS "others" often, though less and less the "little" ones, cuz they are more than "co-conscious" - they are (we believe) genuinely integrated/integrating. And somewhere in the past couple months, things seriously evolved, because now "Middle" and the "Littles" (now collectively "Me3") refers to "Grumpy" as "Boyfriend" and sometimes will ask me if "Boyfriend" is doing a good job with us in the relationship (Yes, he is! I love ALL of my man!!) .. And "Boyfriend" is now almost always co-conscious with "Me3" so my fiancé is mainly now 2 "parts" (where he was 4, before).
I firmly believe in the concept of a "healthy multiple" .. "DID" is a misnomer, because though my man still has "distinct parts" and at least 2 with distinct internal "identities," my man is very much NOT in disorder, or disarray or confusion, anymore. He manages internal communication - WE manage it together - I know "who" I'm talking with at any given point, and WE all LOVE each other, so just being free to USE other pronouns when he's talking about himself takes a huge anxiety out of it for us, cuz there isn't "fear of discovery" - he knows he's not "crazy", that the "segregation" is as simple as a "scar" of past traumas, and even these have been and are further healing .. Internal cooperation is HUGE, and so there is arguably MORE "order" inside my man than MOST of us who are otherwise "normal" in our respective "parts" (moods, emotional extremes, etc.) .. the "amnesia" is lessened, the "OCD" like behaviors to try to manage his disconnects is nearly resolved completely, his "fear" over being "discovered" is all but gone .. And my man is also BRILLIANT (I think most with any kind of "DID" or close to it usually are!), so I regularly speak to how much I admire this and that quality about him. And I give credit to "Grumpy"/"Boyfriend" for the "working the plan" and strategizing aspects of our relationship, and speak from love and a calm disposition as much as possible when interacting with "Middle/Me3" .. We WORK. And he's BEAUTIFUL to me.....
This is a bit anecdotal, not so "clinical" .. but we've had to figure out OUR story almost entirely on our own. (No official dx, no T, etc.) And I see VERY definite healing, remembering, sewing together his own past narrative as each "part" relinquished more bits of past memories, so my man doesn't fight with "memory shards" or "splinters" like he used to .. I was the objective outsider who got to hear and take notes, and show him afterwards what this or that part revealed, and because he trusted me, and knew I was a SAFE place, he knew he could believe what I was showing him what "he" (or other parts of him) had said.
Restoring his own life's chronology was critical. Him working internally to find a way to forgive and release past offenses was critical. And - quite frankly, from our personal perspective, him seeking to restore his own relationship with God was also critical.
His "personality states" are no longer DISRUPTIVE (except in very extreme and now rare cases). He trusts ME to "keep him safe" when we're in public - and this is huge, because it actually means that "Grumpy" trusts me! So he doesn't feel the need to "take over" .. and he's fiercely protective of ME, too, so the only time he feels "called upon" is if we would BOTH be in some danger otherwise. And my man steps up in those instances, too. And since I know and love "Grumpy" as much as the rest of my man, this is no longer a "threat" to OUR relationship either. Then "Grumpy" and I have had to work TOGETHER to restore safety to ALL of us. :) But additionally - "Grumpy"/"Boyfriend" also no longer talks about the rest of himself as "dumba$$" or other such self-abusive terms. I think it is fair to say that "Middle" (Me3) has gained CONFIDENCE to stand up for himself/themselves, and Grumpy/Boyfriend is RELIEVED that he doesn't have to get triggered all the time cuz they can't deal with this or that situation. Now "Boyfriend" is FREE to be "Boyfriend" because he can CHOOSE when he wants to be "out" and interacting with the world (mostly just me), and so he's seeing more of the world than just its threatening and ugly bits. ...
I hope some of this reflection is helpful in the discussion!!
~WU (formerly S2B)
