Sweetleaf
Diamond Member
The computer I'm typing this with right now has folders that I can't open, because of the contents, the photos and such, that I know are inside of them.
I could go look at my abusers face right now if I felt like it (lmao HELL no, like I'm shaking thinking of it).
Or, I could look at pictures of my injuries, of myself covered in bruises, of f*cked up scenes of destruction that he caused in his uhh.. I don't even know what the f*ck to call them... the times he would destroy everything around, hit everything, throw everything, flip -large- furniture over, and of course, I was one of the things he would throw around too. Or throw things at. Heavy things, sharp things, very painful things. Big things.
I really hope nobody tries surprising me like "hey catch!" and throwing something at me to catch by surprise. Or throws anything at me. Hasn't happened yet. I have no idea how I'll react.
This post is kind of making my body hurt in a few places. Especially the ribs, where they impacted into a large metal corner when I was body slammed (more like literally f*cking drop slammed) and then shoved into it. It's also making the area feel weird, like the bones are moving wrong and grinding. But I know that the injury has healed. It has been bothering me a lot today and last night. This post is kind of dragging it back up. This must be psychosomatic, but it feels real. It doesn't help that it's also my most recent strong injury, and I've only been free from him since December 11th.
I would delete these entire folders, but they contain a lot of evidence, and kind of act like a photographic record of that horrible time. A record I don't want to exist. But I feel like maybe it will come in use one day.
It is just odd, looking down at my computer, knowing that inside of it is information that is basically nuclear meltdown tier trigger material for me.
The computer itself is a reminder of the abuse, because it, too, survived abuse. It miraculously didn't get destroyed, even though it's screen is held in place by duct tape, seeing as the hinges have long since broken. The screen has some broken glass, though it is luckily all in one corner and not really visible at all during use, though it makes using the touchscreen near that corner impossible. It just doesn't register the touches. It was a fairly decent laptop that I bought in the early days of being with my abuser, so it survived pretty much all of the bad stuff.
My instruments have marks of his abuse too. Yet the ones that I still have, that made it through that, have survived essentially intact, just scarred. It's difficult to play material that I played a lot or wrote during that time, even though it's actually pretty good stuff as material. I will say, I didn't get to play a lot during that time. He didn't like it, even though I would play and sing on stage, for years, before my trauma. I did paid gigs, so it's not like I sounded like shit, you know? I'm not trying to toot my own horn here, or brag at all. I'm simply saying like, it's not like I was new to playing the instruments or anything. It's not like what I was playing objectively sounded bad, and annoying. It just annoyed him, to hear noise, most of the time. I had to be very quiet, and that goes for much more than just playing music.
Then, I have documents related to the restraining order against him, stuff from the hospital, so on and so forth.
It's so strange to have so much material, that can be triggering, or even greatly triggering, among my other possessions.
One time I was going through something, and I found one of my abuser's hairs. He had long, thick, coarse black hair. That was really triggering.
I have destroyed or thrown away or otherwise gotten rid of many things, of course. For example, I wiped my phone, which did make me lose some evidence of injuries and stuff, but I have enough of that already that it doesn't matter, I guess.
There are many objects that are gone forever. Some I will miss, some I will not. It hurts to have lost so much.
I could go look at my abusers face right now if I felt like it (lmao HELL no, like I'm shaking thinking of it).
Or, I could look at pictures of my injuries, of myself covered in bruises, of f*cked up scenes of destruction that he caused in his uhh.. I don't even know what the f*ck to call them... the times he would destroy everything around, hit everything, throw everything, flip -large- furniture over, and of course, I was one of the things he would throw around too. Or throw things at. Heavy things, sharp things, very painful things. Big things.
I really hope nobody tries surprising me like "hey catch!" and throwing something at me to catch by surprise. Or throws anything at me. Hasn't happened yet. I have no idea how I'll react.
This post is kind of making my body hurt in a few places. Especially the ribs, where they impacted into a large metal corner when I was body slammed (more like literally f*cking drop slammed) and then shoved into it. It's also making the area feel weird, like the bones are moving wrong and grinding. But I know that the injury has healed. It has been bothering me a lot today and last night. This post is kind of dragging it back up. This must be psychosomatic, but it feels real. It doesn't help that it's also my most recent strong injury, and I've only been free from him since December 11th.
I would delete these entire folders, but they contain a lot of evidence, and kind of act like a photographic record of that horrible time. A record I don't want to exist. But I feel like maybe it will come in use one day.
It is just odd, looking down at my computer, knowing that inside of it is information that is basically nuclear meltdown tier trigger material for me.
The computer itself is a reminder of the abuse, because it, too, survived abuse. It miraculously didn't get destroyed, even though it's screen is held in place by duct tape, seeing as the hinges have long since broken. The screen has some broken glass, though it is luckily all in one corner and not really visible at all during use, though it makes using the touchscreen near that corner impossible. It just doesn't register the touches. It was a fairly decent laptop that I bought in the early days of being with my abuser, so it survived pretty much all of the bad stuff.
My instruments have marks of his abuse too. Yet the ones that I still have, that made it through that, have survived essentially intact, just scarred. It's difficult to play material that I played a lot or wrote during that time, even though it's actually pretty good stuff as material. I will say, I didn't get to play a lot during that time. He didn't like it, even though I would play and sing on stage, for years, before my trauma. I did paid gigs, so it's not like I sounded like shit, you know? I'm not trying to toot my own horn here, or brag at all. I'm simply saying like, it's not like I was new to playing the instruments or anything. It's not like what I was playing objectively sounded bad, and annoying. It just annoyed him, to hear noise, most of the time. I had to be very quiet, and that goes for much more than just playing music.
Then, I have documents related to the restraining order against him, stuff from the hospital, so on and so forth.
It's so strange to have so much material, that can be triggering, or even greatly triggering, among my other possessions.
One time I was going through something, and I found one of my abuser's hairs. He had long, thick, coarse black hair. That was really triggering.
I have destroyed or thrown away or otherwise gotten rid of many things, of course. For example, I wiped my phone, which did make me lose some evidence of injuries and stuff, but I have enough of that already that it doesn't matter, I guess.
There are many objects that are gone forever. Some I will miss, some I will not. It hurts to have lost so much.
