Intrusive or justified advice about parenting?

[ms spock]

I will call a spade a spade as a teacher. Because I am most concerned at some of the stuff that you are writing about. It seems that a lot of deflecting and not taking responsibility is going on here. When does your ex actually take responsibility rather than deflecting it off to his ex and his kid's school? If useful take heed otherwise just leave it.

I think you're right that I should limit my feedback to what he can do. I don't think either of them have been very mindful about their parenting philosophy, so he's kind of an open book. Also, when your child's in crisis, you get pretty desperate, so I'm not going to say he's only seeking my advice because of my wisdom. He's really worried.

But not worried enough to cut back on his work hours and actually turn up in person and actually parent himself? He's painted as the one who parents despite working very long hours. So what? It's his job to parent. He chose to be a parent. That's part of the deal of being a Dad.

But the funny thing is, we're right back to where we started. His son claimed that he has no idea why the administration is mad at him, and my bf thinks the administration is too hard on him anyway.

So what information or evidence does your BF have to back this up? At the point we teachers turn to administration for assistance the student involved has usually been walked through so many options and consequences. Every time there is something happening with a young person you discuss with them exactly what happened and why a thing happened and why the consequences. So it seems that you are also deflecting if you can't blame your partner or hold your partner to account for his actions in this situation, and you can't blame his ex so you start blaming other outside sources such as the school? This means all the adults in his immediate sphere are not modelling taking responsibility for their actions.

I believe that his son is so used to deflecting responsibility, he's unable to even recognize it.

It seems to be a behaviour that he has learnt and perhaps he learnt it from his Father?

There seems to be a lot of abdication of responsibility here. It seems to me that your partner is also deflecting his parenting responsibilities on to his ex who is actually turning up to be the parent that enforces the limits. The ex is thus is the bad guy not only to her son but also to your BF. He won't turn up and do the parenting because he is nobly working the long hours but then doesn't want to parent consistently by enforcing boundaries? Then after the ex being blamed, rather than looking at his contribution to the situation, he starts to blame the school? I have friends that spend most of their teaching days dealing with students with family issues like this.

The last three Professional Development workshops I have been to are all about parents that abdicate responsibility, don't turn up to parent their own children but turn up to the school to blame the teachers how to manage this, and abusive parents, who no matter what their children do always blame the school. And some of the comments that you are making are sliding into that category. Everyone is the bad guy but your partner. You might want to look at that? Why have you such a vested interest in seeing everyone but your partner significantly contributing to his kid's situation?

For example, when my bf asked him to look into himself and figure out what his contribution might be (I think he did this because of something I said), his son cried and said that the administration didn't tell him what he did wrong and that his teachers didn't tell him what was inappropriate.

Maybe your partner could look at his contribution to the situation? Maybe your partner could go to therapy and own his own stuff and perhaps the kid won't need to act out so much? If the crisis at school is taking up all the time on the weekends maybe this is a way of the young person making sure that they get some time and attention, and if the way to get that from his Father is to act out at school then until those emotional needs are being met the behaviour at school won't change.

My question was, but surely your son must know what he did and why. I think it's curious that his son deflects from the question about his actions to pointing the finger at his teachers. It sounds to me too much like my ex who always points the finger at someone else, but he can never admit wrong-doing. But if that's the case, then what? His son is saying that he doesn't really know what he did wrong despite 4 or 5 children telling on him and also saying he threatened them if they told the teachers.

So if he is threatening other children where did he learn these behaviours?

Why are his behaviours significant to warrant 4 or 5 students who need to report to a teacher? Is he bullying other students?

His son said he was just joking and that his friends knew that and the teachers over heard and just overreacted as they always do.

Really so now YOU are blaming the teachers and just overreacted as they always do? So what empirical evidence are you basing that? There's a lot of buck passing going on here. As a teacher I have to deal with parents who don't put the time and energy into their kids and then expect that we can pick up the pieces. I can tell you we are not overreacting as we always do, when it gets to the point of calling parents in we have tried probably about 20 plus strategies to deal with the young person in particular and have consulted with Head of Departments and Year Co-ordinators, Pastrol care teachers, behavioural units etc etc.

So I will laid down a bit of a challenge if your BF was really serious about the proper parenting of his son maybe he could stop blaming his ex and cut back his hours and actually turn up and parent consistently. You just don't know what type of parenting that his ex is doing at all - you only are hearing it via your BF who really wants to paint himself in the best light. So I would not take that as fact but more as fiction.

Why do you have the need to only see the situation from the bias of your partner?

Maybe his ex had an affair because she couldn't get her needs met because he wasn't behaviour towards her in a an honorable fashion?

I don't know. I'm pretty frustrated, but all I can do is support my ex in his belief that his son is not doing anything really that bad.

So denial is not useful in this situation. If they are talking expulsion then the young person's behaviour is seriously wrong. We don't get to this point without some seriously disruptive behaviours have occurred.

We had a parent insist that their kid had done nothing really wrong when she insisted to another young person that she was so worthless that she should commit suicide as soon as possible. Those parents are still in at the school insisting that their daughter has done nothing wrong. The teachers are overreacting as they do. It's such a common experience for a teacher to have to manage multiple types of parents like this that we actually have workshops to attend about how to manage parents like this.

Explusion is the last result and many teachers and schools have struggled for many months or sometimes years before expulsion is put on the table.

How do you know what he is doing is not that bad? What if his behaviours mean a teacher is managing him for 40 minutes of a class out of a 50 minute class time? What if he is denying other students a possibility of education? Why do students feel threatened by him?

I think your codependancy is doing you are and your partner and the young person a great disservice rather than dealing with the issues you are supporting your partner in his denial about his contribution to the situation, and these behaviours could be mirrored by the kid. So maybe if your BF deals with his issues the kid might start to manage better?

One third of Queensland Principals were physically assaulted last year by parents, who on the whole, were insisting that their kid had no problems.

If explusion is on the table the situation is very serious indeed. I would encourage the adults in the situation to see what behaviours they are engaging in which are being acted on by this young person.

 

[PreciousChild]

That's not the way it actually works, you know? It's generally the whole family system that needs work.

I agree. When my son was young, I realized very quickly that my own behaviors impacted his, so it was not just changing him, but mostly changing myself. My bf thinks that therapy would be good for his son and has thought about doing that before, so he's okay with the ultimatum. He also thinks maybe the expulsion might be the reality check his son needs. I just wish he could see more that it's a reality check for them too.

But not worried enough to cut back on his work hours and actually turn up in person and actually parent himself? He's painted as the one who parents despite working very long hours. So what? It's his job to parent. He chose to be a parent. That's part of the deal of being a Dad.

I really appreciate the teacher's perspective and I think that's a needful one that I wish my bf were more exposed to. But I think a lot of assumptions are being made which I'll address, but don't find helpful. My bf desperately wishes he could do another job and be there for his son. He's tried to get out, but the problem is that at his age, the only job would pay him a lot, lot less, and he pays a lot for his son's school (it's private), and he also has a mom with dementia. His job isn't exactly of this caliber, but I dated a cardiologist who just had to work long hours plus had to be on call 24/7. There was absolutely no wiggle room. So it was start over doing something else at an entry level position which he had no skills for, or just suck it up. My bf feels a lot of guilt, and does feel the responsibility of being there for his son.

Every time there is something happening with a young person you discuss with them exactly what happened and why a thing happened and why the consequences. So it seems that you are also deflecting if you can't blame your partner or hold your partner to account for his actions in this situation, and you can't blame his ex so you start blaming other outside sources such as the school?

I don't believe in punishment, but I do believe in accountability. When my own child was getting trouble at school, though I was very unhappy with how they supported his learning disabilities (or not support), I always conveyed to him that the adminstration had rules for a reason, that they needed to make sure all kids had the space to thrive,, and I backed them up 100%. But I am not my bf's son's parent. I am observing and wondering how to help given that I am not in the position to make decisions for them.

his ex who is actually turning up to be the parent that enforces the limits.

If you only knew. She has very little impulse control and little boundaries. When their son was 11, she just suddenly decided that cussing was okay and really hard-core rap music was cool, and looks the other way when he flouts school rules.

Maybe your partner could look at his contribution to the situation? Maybe your partner could go to therapy and own his own stuff and perhaps the kid won't need to act out so much?

I agree that he and his ex both need to look at themselves. But it seems that they are in a lot of denial. I heard about how therapists will often refrain from pushing patients too hard about the "truth" because it has the opposite effect of increasing their defensive reaction. I don't think I'm in the position to make them aware of what they're doing until they're ready. But my bf has wanted to go back to therapy for a very long time and plans to when he gets a chance. If I could only convey how long his hours were at work and how stuck he felt there.

Is he bullying other students?

He might be and if so,, they're in denial about this. But I also believe that some of his friends talk the same kind of language and that he sometimes gets in trouble because he's on the teacher's radar. But bullying is absolutely wrong,, and I think if he's going to grow up with empathy, that cannot go unchecked.

Really so now YOU are blaming the teachers and just overreacted as they always do?

I don't blame the teachers. I was just relating my bf's and his ex's attitudes. I did read Raising Cain when my son was young and believe that boys are sometimes misunderstood especially if the teacher is a childless woman. But for the most part, I think teachers have a hard job, especially middle school teachers and deserve a lot of respect.

Maybe his ex had an affair because she couldn't get her needs met because he wasn't behaviour towards her in a an honorable fashion?

Ouch. No, he's very sweet and was quite hurt by what she did and he told her, "I would never do that to you." He gave her more than she asked for in the divorce and has done her multiple favors just because he's concerned for the welfare of her and their son. It actually makes me a little jealous. This is despite the fact that she was quite explosive and used to chew him out for being an awful husband. Maybe he was or maybe it was her own interpretation.

So denial is not useful in this situation. If they are talking expulsion then the young person's behaviour is seriously wrong. We don't get to this point without some seriously disruptive behaviours have occurred.

I agree. The talk of expulsion cleared my mind of any excuses. I knew this was quite,, quite serious and there was just no denying it. I'm still on an early learning curve about the situation. I want to reiterate that with my bf and I, his son is quite sweet and considerate.

How do you know what he is doing is not that bad? What if his behaviours mean a teacher is managing him for 40 minutes of a class out of a 50 minute class time? What if he is denying other students a possibility of education? Why do students feel threatened by him?

If explusion is on the table the situation is very serious indeed. I would encourage the adults in the situation to see what behaviours they are engaging in which are being acted on by this young person.

I agree. If only I knew how to overcome their denial. I think they want to believe that things are better than they are. I think if they had to admit the mistakes they made and are making, they would be horrified and broken. I think all three of them are quite fragile emotionally.

 

[Sideways]

Hmm. So, the school has stepped in and essentially forced their child into therapy.

At least someone is thinking of this child's needs first.

Your boyf says he'll do therapy when he can? His son has now received an ultimatum from the school. His son? Can't wait much longer for his parents to begin parenting again.

I get that your boyf has a lot on his plate, and a lot of responsibilities. I get that you know all this. But seriously, his number one priority (above you, above mom with dementia, above the paycheck he would really rather prefer) is his responsibility to this child.

Equally so with the mom.

You can't force them into therapy. You can love this child when he's around, no matter what. And you can keep reminding your boyf that this child's needs? Are everyone's first priority.

Playing tit for tat over what age mom decided cussing and rap music was okay? Doesn't help anyone. Keep your focus on making sure that from your corner? This child is loved.

Me personally I'd be drawing boundaries with my "boyfriend" over this. Failing to be able to prioritise his own son's needs (and at expulsion point, things are pretty dire) above everything, even his disagreements and resentments with his ex? Nup. That ain't cool.

He had a child with his ex. This is the responsibility that goes with that, even if it's not comfortable for him.

 

[PreciousChild]

I get that your boyf has a lot on his plate, and a lot of responsibilities. I get that you know all this. But seriously, his number one priority (above you, above mom with dementia, above the paycheck he would really rather prefer) is his responsibility to this child.

I understand what you're saying. To be honest, there are times when I feel like wtf? I also miss time with him. But his work is just that intense. It's just not a choice. His son could not go to the school he does and wouldn't be able to go to therapy if he didn't work, and his work is highly demanding. His ex doesn't work at all for a long time so he's supporting her too, much less getting any help from her. Then almost every free moment, he devotes to his son. He forgoes self-care, he doesn't do anything for himself. He tells me often how bad he feels and really beats himself up over his lack of being there, but he has no other skill set to earn enough to keep his son at his school and provide for everyone who's counting on him. Sorry if that's not good enough for people.

Playing tit for tat over what age mom decided cussing and rap music was okay? Doesn't help anyone. Keep your focus on making sure that from your corner? This child is loved.

I only mentioned these details because @ms spock said that his ex was left to do all the enforcing the limits without her knowing them at all. That's just a small part. She decided that she wanted to be friends with her son, and treats him as such. She also yells at her son on a regular basis, and they both having screaming matches. His son has only yelled at my bf a few times in his life. But no, that should not be the focus, and yes, I do believe she loves him. He is loved.

 

[ms spock]

I agree. If only I knew how to overcome their denial. I think they want to believe that things are better than they are. I think if they had to admit the mistakes they made and are making, they would be horrified and broken. I think all three of them are quite fragile emotionally.

This is really tough going. I am feeling for you here. You are being honest about them both believing things are better than they are and that they don't want to admit the problems that they have made and are making. That's really heart breaking. Keep this in mind. Don't let it become your burden or problem to manage or sought out, if not for you sake then for the sake of the kid.

Ouch. No, he's very sweet and was quite hurt by what she did and he told her, "I would never do that to you." He gave her more than she asked for in the divorce and has done her multiple favors just because he's concerned for the welfare of her and their son. It actually makes me a little jealous.

Once again your honesty is admirable.

If the relationship with the ex is not good then it's not good, but don't let him use it to get you to help out more. The son needs him to step up and be there in whatever way that looks like.

So read the rest as brain storming for the situation. It might be useful, it might not be so ignore at will. You have all the insights necessary to negotiate this situation you just need to take care of yourself.

The position you are in is a really hard position to be in. I have done co-parenting several times and it's not easy. It really is the hard yards. The kid has to come first though and we have to put our stuff aside.

The blame shifting really worries me and seeing the school as the problem - Teachers literally do have workshops to deal with emotionally and physically abusive parents. The hardest parents to deal with are the emotionally neglectful and emotionally abusive parents who blame each other and everyone else in between. They are always "going to do something in the future".

He also thinks maybe the expulsion might be the reality check his son needs. I just wish he could see more that it's a reality check for them too.

It is indeed a wake up call for both parents.

It's very hard to exclude or expel students. To let it get to the stage of expulsion there's been a lot of ball dropping for a long time going on from both your BF and his ex, probably long before they broke up. They have both created this situation and they will both need to work together to fix it. If they don't choose to do that then they don't choose to do that, there's nothing you can do.

My bf desperately wishes he could do another job and be there for his son. He's tried to get out, but the problem is that at his age, the only job would pay him a lot, lot less, and he pays a lot for his son's school (it's private), and he also has a mom with dementia...So it was start over doing something else at an entry level position which he had no skills for, or just suck it up. My bf feels a lot of guilt, and does feel the responsibility of being there for his son.

Other people are also in this situation but do work arounds? Especially at this crisis point? He could take some holidays to be there for his son? Sick leave?

Maybe he doesn't need to be in a private school? Maybe he needs to go to a school without fees and have a parent that is actually there for him?

I agree that he and his ex both need to look at themselves. But it seems that they are in a lot of denial. I heard about how therapists will often refrain from pushing patients too hard about the "truth" because it has the opposite effect of increasing their defensive reaction. I don't think I'm in the position to make them aware of what they're doing until they're ready.

I'd agree with this wholeheartedly. I would also not let him offload his emotional responsibilities on to you because that is just going to feel like another level of abandonment for his son. I don't know if it is possible but answering that "Maybe you need to talk to a professional about that, because I am just not sure, and I don't want to give you the wrong advice". The more you agree that the ex is the problem the longer it will be before your BF takes some responsibility. This kid sounds like he is running out of time.

But I also believe that some of his friends talk the same kind of language and that he sometimes gets in trouble because he's on the teacher's radar.

If I know a student is in big trouble at the school it means I am more likely to give them leeway or extra assistance - if the school wants him to get therapy then they are seriously concerned about him. In fact it can be that they get away with more for a time.

You don't expel a kid for language that their friends use as well. Just like you don't insist that a student goes to therapy because of language that he and his/her friends are using? That doesn't sound believable to me.

But bullying is absolutely wrong,, and I think if he's going to grow up with empathy, that cannot go unchecked.

Generally and I don't know your precise situation it's when there is bullying or violence that most students will start to "dob in" another student.

I'm still on an early learning curve about the situation. I want to reiterate that with my bf and I, his son is quite sweet and considerate.

But you are not doing the day to day going to school, doing the homework or setting boundaries or getting him to do different things that he doesn't want to do on the same ongoing basis though, are you? It's very different being a weekend parent. If he's mostly the centre of attention when you have him it's not a clear indicator of what's going on or wrong? Maybe the ex is the problem but you can't judge that from such a small snapshot of time with him?

Good luck! You have heaps of insight so I don't think anything I can say can be of any assistance. It's so frustrating to be in a situation such as yours. Take good care of yourself.

 

[mamachick]

My own experience has been that what we model for the kids is the best we can do. We can not change what the other parent does during their time. I know it sucks, but thinking we can change that is co dependent itself.
When you have him during the weekend, do what you can to set good examples. BF does not have to punish him over weekend for what he did during the week....thats unreasonable.
My daughter use to come home from her fathers as a terror after a day or two on the weekend. It would take me days to settle into routine again. However, I knew I could not control what happened while she was with dad. It sucks. Its co parenting. Especially since he had not asked for your help.

 

[blackemerald1]

Maybe his ex had an affair because she couldn't get her needs met because he wasn't behaviour towards her in a an honorable fashion?

^ Wow that's seriously screwed up thinking there.

If you cannot get your 'needs met' you are never justified running out and screwing someone else. Never imho.

You could..try to work it out and get those seriously precious needs met or leave the relationship? Now that's a novel idea! :sorry:

Sorry if that's not good enough for people.

^Hell yes that's good enough for me @PreciousChild - seriously it is. I get what you mean. I understand.

The flip side to not working a decent paying job is dropping the ex and his child into economic stress and ?poverty plus himself of course. Does this really help anyone... no. Children cost money outside of school too. Education costs are not confined to private schools. The child's mother is not working or has a low income level.

Working parents cop a lot of guilt about not being there for the kids. Perhaps there is something that can be tweaked but guilting people about working big hours is not the way to improve the situation.

It's never easy being the third wheel - is it @PreciousChild :hug:

 

[PreciousChild]

^ Wow that's seriously screwed up thinking there.

If you cannot get your 'needs met' you are never justified running out and screwing someone else. Never imho.

You could..try to work it out and get those seriously precious needs met or leave the relationship? Now that's a novel idea! :sorry:



^Hell yes that's good enough for me @PreciousChild - seriously it is. I get what you mean. I understand.

The flip side to not working a decent paying job is dropping the ex and his child into economic stress and ?poverty plus himself of course. Does this really help anyone... no. Children cost money outside of school too. Education costs are not confined to private schools. The child's mother is not working or has a low income level.

Working parents cop a lot of guilt about not being there for the kids. Perhaps there is something that can be tweaked but guilting people about working big hours is not the way to improve the situation.

It's never easy being the third wheel - is it @PreciousChild :hug:

@blackemerald1, thanks so much. I feel like some of the criticism about my bf was unfair and I really appreciate you stepping up and speaking up in support. He's not perfect, but I didn't think my bf would be put under scrutiny like that. Maybe our experience is that the men can fail us. My ex husband surely did. But I do think my current bf is definitely a keeper. No matter how stressful and difficult it gets, he's always there for his son and does his damndest to support him even if he doesn't always know how.

But you are not doing the day to day going to school, doing the homework or setting boundaries or getting him to do different things that he doesn't want to do on the same ongoing basis though, are you? It's very different being a weekend parent. If he's mostly the centre of attention when you have him it's not a clear indicator of what's going on or wrong? Maybe the ex is the problem but you can't judge that from such a small snapshot of time with him?

I get the feeling my bf's son is very different around his mom and dad. And it is true that the weekend dad is probably an easier job than the week mom. But even when they were together, his ex and their son had screaming matches, and my bf and their son rarely did. She always tells my bf essentially that she thinks their son is born bad to a certain extent. I really think she's projecting stuff on to her son.

My own experience has been that what we model for the kids is the best we can do. We can not change what the other parent does during their time. I know it sucks, but thinking we can change that is co dependent itself.

@brat17 , thank you so much for your sage advice. I am very happy to get this perspective. I've been pretty worried for this family and I grew up the "helper", so that side of me has been raging. But when all is said and done, they have been raising their son for 13 years before me, and will continue for however many more years. As much as I think I know what the problem is and what the solutions might be, it is not up to me how this child is raised. I get so, so worried though. That's the legacy of my own traumatic childhood. I cannot stand it when I see a child suffer. I want to jump out of my skin.

 

[blackemerald1]

he's always there for his son and does his damndest to support him even if he doesn't always know how.

^I'm sure as a parent yourself and also speaking from my own experience there were many times I didn't know what the hell to do. I didn't have support from anyone and many situations are not easy to resolve. He's doing whatever he thinks is best so he gets my respect for doing that. And however the child has been referred to therapy, it's a good thing. Hopefully the therapist will work out what is behind some of this behaviour.

It's not up to you, or anyone who is unqualified and sorry but that includes teachers to start psyching out a child. Leave that for the real professionals in that area. I'm sure some recommendations will flow from that therapy and I hope the parents and teachers can take that advice on board and help this child move forward.

I get the feeling my bf's son is very different around his mom and dad.

^I think your instincts are spot on. Of course he's going to be different and that's entirely normal. Children, just like adults, will change their attitudes and faces in an instant to accommodate different audiences and situations. That's a given and we all do that.

it is not up to me how this child is raised.

^No it's not and your insight into your own trauma and how that might be pinging off this particular situation is really good. It's good that you see why you feel that way and know that to an extent, your feelings are also normal and predictable. You are heavily invested in the situation by way of your relationship with the child's father. So that's normal too. It's not abnormal to feel a range of emotions when a child is playing up especially a thirteen year old boy... just my perspective there... they are indeed at a awkward age, pushing boundaries, rules, buttons - actually working out who they are and where they fit in the world. This child obviously needs a little extra support but honestly a lot of what you have described so far is not so abnormal and highly likely he'll settle down without much more drama.

The good thing about children is that they can actually grow up. Lots of adults never do.

 

[PreciousChild]

Thanks @blackemerald1. I appreciate and agree with most of what you wrote. And as you say, he has always seemed to be within the range of normal for a 13 yo. In fact, quite sweet. But I've also seen behaviors that are baffling, and in my mind quite alarming if you ask me. Like the fact that he lies all the time, with ease, and for no discernible purpose. It seems to me he's developing traits that are geared towards maneuvering around unacceptable feelings. But it's not too late, he's a smart, funny kid and I think going to therapy will be a great intervention.

Thanks again, ya'll!

 

[ms spock]

If my comments are not useful then I am fine with leaving the thread. It's just that it seems to be easier to blame the other parent rather than placing responsibility on the parent that you are with. I have seen it as a cop out many times. You seemed to want to explore options, if what I am saying doesn't resonate then please ignore.

I suffer from confirmation bias, we all suffer from forms of confirmation bias, maybe the way I am expressing my ideas doesn't gel with your ways of expressing things but they are my ideas.

But I've also seen behaviors that are baffling, and in my mind quite alarming if you ask me. Like the fact that he lies all the time, with ease, and for no discernible purpose. It seems to me he's developing traits that are geared towards maneuvering around unacceptable feelings. But it's not too late, he's a smart, funny kid and I think going to therapy will be a great intervention.

I find this comment confusing. So if the son of your BF is always so good when you have him on the weekends and the majority of the problems are when he is with the ex, who is the major problem as a parent then when are you seeing these disturbing behaviours?

Where is learning how to maneuver around unacceptable feelings being learnt from or modelled do you think?

Even if there is less material wealth surely the welfare of the son is more than money and/or career? I think it's safe to say that everyone knows children cost money outside of school, but it doesn't hurt kids not to have lots of material things. Millions of children will live and die and not even have concept of how we live in the Western world. If the ex doesn't get to keep living the life that she is currently living in then maybe she will make some changes and perhaps take some responsibility. Is what your BF doing enabling the ex? It's possible?

 

[blackemerald1]

Like the fact that he lies all the time, with ease, and for no discernible purpose. It seems to me he's developing traits that are geared towards maneuvering around unacceptable feelings.

^He's thirteen so telling lies (and I'm sure it's not all of the time) is unfortunately what happens sometimes.

^Maneuvering around or avoiding unacceptable feelings is something we all do. He's young and he's dealing with a lot of feelings about heaps of stuff.

I think going to therapy will be a great intervention.

^Give this a chance to start working. But please remember that often therapy brings up things he/we try to avoid.

He may have some difficult moments resulting from therapy. Better now than when he is an adult though. Stay supportive of your bf @PreciousChild - hopefully you will all look back when he is an adult and be amazed that you came through it. And also you will have a great young man calling around to see you both, when he has time and feels like it. :)