My diary of random thoughts

[AnnieMae]

Because having no friends and being alone is not fun. Having to distract yourself from emotional pain is no fun. Not knowing if it’s you or them and wishing you had such a better life is not fun. Being oblivious to things is not fun. Especially when you see how good everyone else’s lives are. It’s like a kick in the face. I have yet to meet anyone that has gone through my exact situation and it’s disheartening. I am so over depression and anxiety. And meds do not help. I’ve tried A LOT. All I can think of are the ways that people are taken advantage of me and how off my path I seem. It took me years to even be able to look someone in the face when speaking to them. And reality seems so bad and has such a negative connotation to it. Things are just so weird. And my plans always seem to backfire. It is weird to say but when you’ve had so many things go wrong in a row, it’s hard to open up and try new things.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I have yet to meet anyone that has gone through my exact situation and it’s disheartening.

I haven't either and I used to search for such things to learn that there aren't a lot of cult survivors posting online and it was disheartening. Until people on here convinced me to start posting pieces, symptoms, thoughts, feelings, just small things and gain some insights, views, support, understanding, and so forth on those pieces and when you put enough pieces together they come to make up the entire thing.

Just saying.

 

[AnnieMae]

So, my question is, if you were set up, you had severe depression and anxiety, and it ruined your life, you know you need to escape, build a better life but you can’t, what do you do? My ex was cheating on me, stole my money, and lied to me.
Pretended he wanted to make up. I was so emotionally distraught because he was my dream come true. He was so opposite of me- handsome, sporty, had a lot of fun. By then accused me of manipulating him when he was doing all of these bad things to me. I stupidly got drunk, went to the house and he attacked me. I fought him off. He pulled a gun, I freaked, called the police and I was arrested. After his girlfriend dumped him, he took me back. I believed him. He apologized and everything. Now I know how devilish people are. I freaked out for 7 years and wasted money, time, and was so mentally beat by him. I still am. But I just don’t feel ok. I went out into the world to date. All of the super nice guys aren’t my type, but I’m too far, ugly and stupid for the good ones. I never know who to trust and it’s f*cking up my life. Just because I am so scared of being taken advantage of like that again. And, some dudes are crazy. You aren’t going to tell me how to dress, who I can hang out with (unless they were bad people), and ask me to wait on you. But I don’t need someone that’s going to wipe my butt either (sorry- vulgar, I know). I bought a house in an area I don’t like. And, it needs repairs. My ex used to tell me how much of a baby I am, now I am. Crying all the time, depending on my family and friends to help me out. I hate being alone. I had such high hopes for everything and it’s just meh right now. My brother in laws friend seemed so nice and he blew me off. And, he said that he didn’t want to use me as a rebound which means I am my good enough. I truly need help on getting back to my parents area and possibly closer north by my sister. I left a job based on advice from a psychic because I lost my damn mind. I should have stayed. Might have been able to move up. But, now I truly see myself for who I am- mentally confused, having an identity crisis, tired, not good enough for anything, and full of lost opportunities. I don’t know what decisions to make anymore, and I regret the ones I do. Everyone has a different opinion, but since he won, I lost and I want to have fun again, it just isn’t happening for me now. Just confused anymore. Oh, and during my breakdown, I spent probably around $100k on clothes, shoes and makeup. I can’t even hide that. I’ve tried to sell stuf. I used to feel so good about myself. My ex’s confidence really really wore off on me. And I was close with my family, had a great boss. Now, it’s all f*cked. I can’t handle more bad things, people don’t understand that bad things happening are like another wound. But, when people try to help me, I feel like I am being babied.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

, my question is, if you were set up, you had severe depression and anxiety, and it ruined your life, you know you need to escape, build a better life but you can’t, what do you do?

Find a therapist, talk to people and get outside perspectives and work on building the better life. A life isn't ever "ruined". You can always build a better life unless you are dead.

Example. I was very unstable, addicted to drugs, spinning out of control, didn't make enough to live alone. My dad ran out on my lease leaving me to fend on my own when I didn't make enough to pay the bills on my own. I now have a service dog and am more stable, I tightened up my budget very tight, got through it paying the bills on my own. It was tight. Not gonna lie. But I made it through. Now I am making way more money, was able to save 13 grand in under a year for a new car. I fought hard to do good at work in order to make more money. I fought hard to get through my mental crap. I am also physically disabled. I have a pain pump (or some call a morphine pump though you can put whatever meds in it) that is pumping free base morphine directly into my spinal canal. Which is super expensive to fill and scan every 3 weeks. I have thyroid cancer (stage being determined still), I am still making it on my own and doing a damn good job. I got my credit up from the low 400s to now 784. I will be saving for a down payment for a house after a buy a car and hope to buy my first house in a year or two.

I say all of this not to brag or not to get pity but to say that you can do it if you put your mind to it and do the work necessary. A life is never ruined unless you are dead. Otherwise, you can always better your life if you want to.

 

[Chris-duck]

Why do you post here? I don't mean that you shouldn't, it's a genuine question. And I ask because you appear to wanna play pain olympics ("well wtf would you do in my position?!) And you essentially have control of your life (Like we all do, yes, with experiences like yours), so what's stopping you? Seriously stopping you? Do you even want it to change? Do you want it to change enough for you to accept your current role in your suffering? (Yes, we all play a role in our own suffering?)

Like what do you want from this?

 

[Friday]

So, my question is, if you were set up, you had severe depression and anxiety, and it ruined your life, you know you need to escape, build a better life but you can’t, what do you do?

Are you really asking? Because there are several of us here, who have lived that in various ways, and dealt with it in a lot of different ways.

Or are you asking because you don’t think that’s something people have experience with navigating, and are looking for sympathy in what seems like an impossible situation that doesn’t happen to anyone, ever?

 

[AnnieMae]

I’m asking because the effects of it have trickled through my life throughout the past 7 years, and because I can’t control the freaking out from it, my life is going to hell and I am so unhappy and freaking the hell out even more. I bought a house in a place I don’t want to be, I am so overwhelmed I can’t escape it anymore

 

[Friday]

I’m asking because the effects of it have trickled through my life throughout the past 7 years, and because I can’t control the freaking out from it, my life is going to hell and I am so unhappy and freaking the hell out even more. I bought a house in a place I don’t want to be, I am so overwhelmed I can’t escape it anymore

So what have you tried, so far?

 

[AnnieMae]

Meditating, medication- Xanax, Paxil, Effexor, trintillex, exercise, CBD, weed, even ketamine. I am in talk therapy, but I am finding from being out in the real world that I am just a piece of crap. I feel so awful about myself. All I can hear is he is a psychopath, narcissist. Is that why all of the attractive people do t like me anymore? I just want to get back to my sister for some reason.

 

[joeylittle]

Is that why all of the attractive people do t like me anymore?

No...if that's true - and we have no reason to believe that you're assessing the situation accurately - but if it's true, it's because you're entirely too self-involved right now to make a connection with anyone.

And that's OK. Sometimes, that's where a person is going to be at. So stop thinking that you'll find the solution in other people, and start getting to know yourself.

Meditating, medication- Xanax, Paxil, Effexor, trintillex, exercise, CBD, weed, even ketamine.

None of these things will work on their own, you know; you need to engage with some kind of structured cognitive therapy.

I'm surprised your doctor hasn't suggested you try an antipsychotic or a mood stabilizer, in conjunction with a more structured approach to therapy, and accompanied by very solid daily self-care. And I'm surprised your therapist is taking your money, because you clearly aren't getting anything out of those sessions.

Or, am I wrong?

 

[AnnieMae]

No...if that's true - and we have no reason to believe that you're assessing the situation accurately - but if it's true, it's because you're entirely too self-involved right now to make a connection with anyone.

And that's OK. Sometimes, that's where a person is going to be at. So stop thinking that you'll find the solution in other people, and start getting to know yourself.


None of these things will work on their own, you know; you need to engage with some kind of structured cognitive therapy.

I'm surprised your doctor hasn't suggested you try an antipsychotic or a mood stabilizer, in conjunction with a more structured approach to therapy, and accompanied by very solid daily self-care. And I'm surprised your therapist is taking your money, because you clearly aren't getting anything out of those sessions.

Or, am I wrong?

Oh, I tried antipsychotics. Knocked me on my ass...also mood stabilizer did nothing for me. I wasn’t like this before. I am becoming the person I was before...a loner, loser. I am so sick of everything being wrong. Getting to know myself is one thing, but the world is beating me up and I can’t take it anymore. Holy crap, I can’t take it I truly am a baby and I can’t help it.

 

[joeylittle]

Oh, I tried antipsychotics. Knocked me on my ass...also mood stabilizer did nothing for me

No, you didn't try them. They weren't on your list.

the world is beating me up and I can’t take it anymore

No, it's not. You think that it is, but it's not. The only person beating you up is you. Honestly - you're doing this to yourself, at this point. I've got no idea why, but you're really keeping yourself stuck. I don't know....I feel like I'm in a similar state a lot of the time, so I'm probably no good for advice. But I can tell you, you haven't tried nearly all the options that you could be trying, in terms of getting to a better place. You've barely scratched the surface. So, don't lie to yourself and say you've already done it all, tried everything.

Not even close.

Are you afraid to get better?