Ending long term therapy and managing the loss of the therapeutic relationship

[Movingforward10]

So, I think I know I've reached my therapy goals in that I know myself a lot better, have more skills to cope with life and my reactions to it.
The thing that makes me worried about leaving therapy is not having this relationship with my T anymore.

For those of you who have had deep attachments with your therapist, how have you managed this?

My therapist is giving me all sorts of options. We're trying fortnightly from Feb. And she said it can be whatever I want: monthly, every now and then, back up to weekly if something happens, whatever I need.

 

[Friday]

The thing that makes me worried about leaving therapy is not having this relationship with my T anymore.

For those of you who have had deep attachments with your therapist, how have you managed this?

How on earth would this not be devastating?

Personally? I’ve sidestepped it. By either NOT keeping people in my life… or? Absof*ckinglutly keeping them in my life.

 

[Charbella]

Personally? I’ve sidestepped it. By either NOT keeping people in my life… or? Absof*ckinglutly keeping them in my life.

I don’t think I’ll ever understand it because I just don’t let people in. It’s so much easier to cut someone out when they aren’t deeply entrenched. The last person I let in that far was when I was 10 and it ended when I was 20ish. I still mourn her and yet I have no desire to have another her.

@Movingforward10 i think it’s beautiful what you and your T have. I also would run screaming if I felt it. I think you’ll find most people fall into those categories. Me, you, Friday.

I think if you take this relationship you’ve built and you trust it. You trust that T means she’ll be there for you if you want to come back and it doesn’t have to be a literal end. When you finally ready to stop seeing her completely you’ll always have her in your head. You spent too many years together to not know how she’d advise you.

 

[Rose White]

For those of you who have had deep attachments with your therapist, how have you managed this?

Reaching out and reconnecting from time to time—not just for emotional processing but also to share positive things happening in my life.

 

[KayW]

This is something that worries me too, although I'm not at that ending stage yet.

My therapist is giving me all sorts of options. We're trying fortnightly from Feb. And she said it can be whatever I want: monthly, every now and then, back up to weekly if something happens, whatever I need.

I think this seems like a good way forward...knowing that your therapist is always there for you when you need it, but gradually getting used to walking by yourself.

 

[Movingforward10]

How on earth would this not be devastating?

Personally? I’ve sidestepped it. By either NOT keeping people in my life… or? Absof*ckinglutly keeping them in my life.

That’s true. It’s always going to be hard.

I don’t think I’ll ever understand it because I just don’t let people in. It’s so much easier to cut someone out when they aren’t deeply entrenched. The last person I let in that far was when I was 10 and it ended when I was 20ish. I still mourn her and yet I have no desire to have another her.

@Movingforward10 i think it’s beautiful what you and your T have. I also would run screaming if I felt it. I think you’ll find most people fall into those categories. Me, you, Friday.

I think if you take this relationship you’ve built and you trust it. You trust that T means she’ll be there for you if you want to come back and it doesn’t have to be a literal end. When you finally ready to stop seeing her completely you’ll always have her in your head. You spent too many years together to not know how she’d advise you.

thanks @Charbella. That’s true I’ll always have her in my head.

Reaching out and reconnecting from time to time—not just for emotional processing but also to share positive things happening in my life.

I could talk to her about that.

This is something that worries me too, although I'm not at that ending stage yet.


I think this seems like a good way forward...knowing that your therapist is always there for you when you need it, but gradually getting used to walking by yourself.

Thanks @KayW

 

[No More]

I know we see therapy a bit differently. I open ended left therapy a few months ago. My therapist is/was excellent, very competent, very honest, I respected her as a person. But, at the end of the day it was a paid for professional relationship. That didn’t make her care any less, it didn’t make it fake. But it’s not a reciprocal relationship, it’s very much a professional service.

Your therapist sounds like mine, very good, very competent, has got a perfect read on you & the way to treat you that’s worked for you. She’s going to be there, if you want to go back. Ending won’t make her care go away, it won’t undo all the work you’ve done. Youll carry everything you worked on together and skills with you forward. If you leave more time between the sessions she’ll still treat you in the same way she always has, it won’t affect your professional relationship.

If you’ve accomplished your goals, give it a try. You can go back, you can say hey actually I wasn’t ready. Her care will be there for you if you need to go back.

 

[Movingforward10]

Ok. I'm back here. I didn't go fortnightly from Feb, as my dad died so we kept it at weekly this whole time. But, we have had a month's break because she has had surgery. And that helped me to think about life without her again.
This time, I *think** I am actually ending therapy. Yesterday, I suggested I have 3 more sessions at fortnightly intervals.
Today I'm feeling very sad about that.

It's been 4 1/2 years.
I do get that, at this point, the only thing holding me back and making me sad, is not having her in my life anymore. My emotional safety net. A place I know I have for me, outside of my life. And not having that space and her is hard.

Anyway, I've been reading your comments again and mulling this over again.

Anyways, any more words of wisdom?!

 

[Movingforward10]

If you’ve accomplished your goals, give it a try. You can go back, you can say hey actually I wasn’t ready. Her care will be there for you if you need to go back.

Thanks for all these words. She has said the same.

 

[Movingforward10]

On Endings - Mind & Body Works - Counselling & Psychotherapy

On endings - just as all living things must at some point reach a natural ending, so must psychotherapy...

mindandbodyworks.com

This has helped actually.

 

[Midnightmoon]

There is such a gift and strength in being able to engage in long term, depth therapy, and then have a supportive and reflective ending. So many times you read that therapy has crashed and burned or abruptly stopped in some way so to read this is refreshingly lovely.

I can't offer any personal words or wisdom, because my ending was of the crash and burn variety, but I've read some beautiful endings of others in depth therapy. Someone did a scrapbook of things their T had said over the years that they wanted to remember. They went through it together in the last few sessions and shared and reflected on the process. Someone else used a book (like the boy the mole the fox and the horse) to reflect on the words and the journey they had.

The one that sticks in my brain the most is someone who ended during the pandemic (planned). They traveled 3 hours to see their T in their garden, drank tea and ate cake and T read them some of the very early text and email exchanges, reminding them of how far they'd come. I was in tears just reading their account!

I hope you and your T can find a way to honour the process you've been on together, however that feels most right, with the door left open if you need to visit it again in the future.

 

[Movingforward10]

Thanks @Midnightmoon . I'm sorry you had a horrible experience.

And those other endings sound lovely..

All of that makes me realise: I am very fortunate to have this opportunity for a positive end. And that I have the ability and time to express whatever it is I want to to her to say goodbye.