The smallest thing makes me angry

[Shirt37]

I am new to the Forum; I have been diagnosed with PTSD and Chronic Depression. I am experiencing the very same symptoms that have proceeded period of deep depression. I was told that these periods are tied to the PTSD as is the depression. I do take medications but they have little affected at the onset of my symptoms.

I may not be making very much sense but I am trying. I am wondering if anyone else starts to feel angry easily. What I experience is something starts it in motion, could be anything this time some rich jerk in their Mercedes decided to just drive straight through a left turn only lane then cut in front on me causing me to react to prevent an accident. It just set me off, so I chased her down and confronted her; fortunately there was little argument from the offender, had there been this could have worked out very differently.

I now find the smallest thing making me angry, I get set off quickly and I know this is the start of another period of depression. Would anyone like to offer advice or share similar experiences?

 

[anticfox]

I get enraged too.

 

[franciemarnie]

Speaking strictly from my experience, when I react in rage to an annoyance - it is because of the enormous powder keg of rage I sit on related to my original trauma.

It's a giveaway that I have a problem because let's say... actually today I had a teeny weeny situation. I live in a high rise. There is a back entrance you can enter with a key fob. I saw a woman ahead of me getting in so I hurried my pace on the sidewalk to get in behind her. She gave me this look that I didn't like. I have no doubt she was afraid I was a non-resident so I said, Look, I have my key and lifted my key and fob. She gave me another look like... I don't know - a combo of annoyance, irritation, irrational dislike, anger. All these. Well, I was having a bad day. I said, That look isn't really necessary or appropriate, but inside I was shaking mad. My anger would be an inappropriate response if I didn't have PTSD. It makes sense though because I have this cup of near overflowing stress most of the time and evena "wrong" look can set it off.

I knew enough not to make an issue of it further.

I can go from 0 to 60 in a milisecond.

That can be very dangerous. It's a good thing never to act on the rage if you can help it.

Now I am feeling better. For all I know that lady was very afraid. She could even have PTSD and was triggered.

 

[Overcast]

I have episodes like this as well. When I take the time to ask myself is this normal for situation or is this a trigger it helps me see the truth of where anger is arising from. then I ask myself is this something I need to respond to or can I let it pass and journal out the issues later. This has helped me tremendously . Unfortunately when I am sick I do not act so graciously.

 

[DMerish]

I do take medications but they have little affected at the onset of my symptoms.

I'm unclear what the sentence above means.

Does it mean the meds you take had a small affect at the onset of your symptoms? Does it mean you've just begun taking meds? Or something else?

I had nasty outbursts sometimes before finding the right medication at the right dosage.

 

[Shannonstrong]

This sounds so much what I have been going through for about the last 2-3 weeks. I have basically just started shutting myself down, I have no trust in anyone I am around, my wife likes to go off on everything I say which in return makes me more angry. Its like I have to live in a shell to protect myself and everyday I ask myself, what is happening ton me? I cannot break this cycle, unless I just completely shutdown and separate myself from everything around me and add new..I feel your pain, because I'm still lost.

 

[Promicarus]

I hope you'll take some action reflecting self-care soon, shannonstrong--if only out of a need for self-preservation. No one can go on for long, much less forever, with the feelings and in the situation you're describing on the forum regularly. I know. I went through a very similar situation, wherein the persecutor was my mother, during the time I was providing live-in care for my father at the end of his battle with Parkinson's disease. The expectation of someone lashing-out at every action you take, of soul-crushing abuse from someone who is supposed to love you and be concerned for your feelings and well-being. The "walking on eggshells" condition you're describing can, in itself, cause trauma related symptoms on its own, over any length of time-never mind compounding the symptoms you're already experiencing.

No one can tell you the actions to take, of course. But just taking some action takes you out of the role of helpless victim, and is the first necessary step towards regaining your primacy and sense of worth, both of which are, themselves, necessary to begin any course of recovery, in my opinion.

I know about shutting down and separating oneself from everything around oneself--detaching out a need for self-protection. I believe this is just more turning inward, which is, in a way, at the very core of the phenomenon of PTSD, itself. Please take some positive action before the feelings you describe progress any further. Allowed to continue, there's a definite prospect of complete immobilization to the point that even treatment, at that point, is difficult. Trust me, I know.

Best of wishes, and heartfelt concern-know you are not alone, however much you may feel the opposite...and that your condition is not a weakness to be ashamed of, or that anyone has a right to attack...but a legitimate medical condition requiring treatment, and an expected consequence of the experiences you've endured.

 

[Trapped in Poland]

I am angry too.

 

[Shannonstrong]

Promicarus, thank you for your reply. It is good to hear that I am not alone. And I told my wife on Saturday how I was feeling, to the point I was crying because the feeling have really started to scare me lately. Last night I went to bed about 4 am because I cannot sleep with out my mind running extremely fast, unless I take Xanax which is prescribed of course, but I told her I was done with our marriage because even after breaking my silence just alittle and telling her how I felt. She continued on as if I never said a word. That fueled more anger and anxiety. I live in a northern city and I from Florida. My immediate family is not even close, so the frustration comes from a wife that says I love you everyday but does nothing except treat me as if I am the burden of our house hold. I know I have to at some point find away and I am trying really hard, it seems to me the only way is to separate myself from the people I thought were the closest to me. I am scared most of the time because I know, there is no way I can keep going this way.

 

[Promicarus]

Shannonstrong-

I commend you for standing up for yourself. Even just breaking the silence to give voice to your true feelings is a step foward, in my opinion, regardless of her response. It's not her response that matters, really-it's the fact that you know in your heart that you spoke your truth, or at least made a sincere attempt to speak as much of it as the opportunity afforded.

One idea--and just an idea: You mentioned that she says she loves you every day. What I would do say to her-when she next says she loves you..."If you love me, you'll read a book about PTSD for me, because I can't explain it well enough." Or words to that effect. I'd be careful not to make it sound as though it's coming from a place of judgement or self-righteousness, or resentment, but simply out of a desire for clarification.

The book I'd recommend, from personal experience, is "Trauma and Recovery", by Judith Herman, M.D. It's the first book I read related to trauma/PTSD, and "blew the lid off" the concept of trauma, as far as my understanding of the significance of PTSD, it's severity, and the importance of appropriate treatment. It's written by an M.D., so carries that weight of authority...but it's not at all technical or 'medical', and it's very compelling reading, as well.

I'm not sure exactly what you said to your wife at the time, of course-but if her only reaction was to walk away as if you'd said nothing, then it would seem that communication has broken down to the point that attempts to break-through might be futile. Hence the book recommendation.

When someone won't hear you at all, it's hard to know where to go from there. And yes, sometimes protecting yourself requires removing yourself from an abusive situation--but even if it's from someone who used to be closest to you at one point, if that person is now only close enough to you to continue to do damage...?

It's not that I'm recommending you immediately break off the relationship. For one thing, I don't have any basis to make any kind of recommendation, at all. I know that you have your little girl to consider, and the matter of custody, should you make that decision. And I know that factor must weigh heavily upon you, of course.

Maybe the book would help-her just having more information coming from an impartial source, if there's already too much of a divide between you for her to hear you, anymore.

But even when you're in a seemingly impossible situation, there is still a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can't see it at present. Please remember that. One of the most damaging and pervasive symptoms of PTSD is hopelessness--I know.
But there is always hope, if we keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Be well, and remember there are those who understand and care.

 

[Shannonstrong]

Promicarus,

Thank you so much, you are so right about ..almost everything. I will try the book Idea tomorrow. Either way I would like to read it. Tonight she got a promotion at work, I told her how proud I was of her, she made it a point to tell me that she called me first. Because in the past, she would call her mom first. Mind you..she is 31 years old and we have been married for 7 years..But the whole mommy thing..I don't get. She wasn't like that when we met. Tonight she promised I would get some talk time with her after she gets home tomorrow, she was tired and just couldn't have that discussion tonight. (rolling my eyes). Last night when I finally went to bed, I told I was done. She acts like ,Im just saying it. But I am to a point where I have to separate myself from this day to day anger, because she refuses to understand. I will try the book thing, I am guessing , it will go in one ear and out the other...Ill let you know...hence why Im still up every night til 4 am.

Shannon

 

[Promicarus]

Please keep me posted-the book will be a great reassurance to you, I believe, even if she doesn't accept it.
Be well