Speechless... Can You Help?

[Freedomfighter]

Well, it is a solution until you really get what you are looking for, a permanent residence. What may make you feel much better is to offer some small services in return, as much as you can do, being sick and all. Because PTSD is a sickness, but you can make yourself useful, such a yard work, running errands, cooking, cleaning, so much you can do to show your appreciation.

 

[shimmerz]

Response as I received it:
"I am by myself this week but I am suppose to have a student staying with me from March 9th to the first week of April. Then I am having some renovations done to the kitchen downstairs the first week of April.

Renting the basement full time is a future plan. I was suggesting staying here but I am just not ready to give up my basement fulltime because it has the only guest bedroom.

I really don't know what your needs are or if you are looking for a forever home. Because of my commitments I thought I could offer an escape until I figure out my intentions.

Let's talk if I can help I will. I just don't know how much help I can be."

I am confused. Is my head just messed up? Honesty matters. I don't understand this as it says she has someone staying with her for a month and then renovations the first week of April and then renting it out. I don't get it. How are the minister's story and hers so completely different? Forgive me while I melt down. Back later.

 

[shimmerz]

@Eleanor and @Hope4Now , my EP is out fully right now. This one is different and one that I was familiar with when I was packing to leave for California. The physicality that I notice is that my left eye is not seeing properly at all. It is cloudy, almost like I have glaucoma. I hissy fitted in my last post (frustration over not being understood and feeling like I was in the way, not wanted). Stupid me for getting my hopes up at all. I went outside to smoke and put my hand over my right eye and tried to force my left eye to see properly. I was able to focus and then all sorts of memories came back to me. Then under my eye started to itch. Now my whole left side is itchy.

Anyways, I came back and wrote her an email that said this:

Yes, I understand that you have plans to rent the apartment, (name here). I have no expectations at all as to full time or not and I hope I was not putting across that I did. Let's just leave it for now as it will be unavailable for some time anyways. I am wondering if you could let me know when it is available for rent and for how much. Perhaps I will have my life a little more organized at that time. What do you think?

See you tonight!

I backed out as gracefully as I could. I am agitated, upset with myself for having put her into a position where she has to retract and dodge, etc. I am angry at myself for trusting. That is as far as I can get right now. My left side is going wild with not being able to see and itchiness. Aaaaarrrrrghhhhh! Sorry, I feel like I am spewing here and I shouldn't be. This is just so damned humiliating. I feel like I have rolled onto my back and been slit right open.

 

[illusionist]

Please don't be agitated and upset that you have put her in any position. She put herself there by offering something she obviously hadn't thought out. It is not your fault! I'm so sorry this is happening. I was in exact same position when I was homeless...a friend thought she would play the good Samaritan, but backed out at the last minute...it is so soul destroying..people just don't realise how devastating empty words can be, especially on something so important as having a roof over our head. I send a big warm hug to you Shimmerz.

 

[shimmerz]

She put herself there by offering something she obviously hadn't thought out.

Right. She hadn't thought it through. Grounding. Very grounding. Thank you Richter, I so appreciate that. I am doing my best here at my son's to ground to the house, clean up, do dishes, going to have a shower soon. I have contacted the minister and hopefully she will be able to bridge what I heard from her and what I heard from the woman. You are right, hasty words can be hurtful. I am so sorry that you have felt this Richter. It is the ultimate in vulnerable. Thank you.

 

[Hope4Now]

OH, @shimmerz. :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
I'm just reading this now. Argh.
First...you are going to be just fine. Everything will be okay. It doesn't seem like that to your parts, I know. But it is true. You are YOU and a good person and a strong person and you will be fine.
I am going to hit send now on this, then I will write more.

 

[Hope4Now]

Yes, ground ground ground. It may take awhile. Ask that poor little EP what s/he needs from you. And if she doesn't tell you, offer some things to see what may help (She may not like doing dishes even though ANP thinks it is a good thing:yuck:). Maybe she wants a bubble bath? Or an oatmeal bath to soothe the itching? Or to go build a fairy house in the woods (either for real or in her imagination...a lovely, small, safe place to be until she can feel a little calmer)? A cold teabag on the eye to soothe it?

That you recognize the EP is there, and that s/he's the same one as before you went to CA is really important! Perhaps the EP that is very sensitive to risking trust? To taking a chance by being vulnerable to another person? To daring to hope? She has given you a lot of information about her hurts and fears and needs. Now she needs to give you a little space (as opposed to blending up with you). Can she sit next to you, or stand next to you while you are doing things that you can both agree to do?

Stupid me for getting my hopes up at all. I went outside to smoke and put my hand over my right eye and tried to force my left eye to see properly. I was able to focus and then all sorts of memories came back to me. Then under my eye started to itch. Now my whole left side is itchy.

I am so familiar with the vision oddities, and especially with the crazy itching stuff! I had months of itching. So uncomfortable and inexplicable. I still didn't understand the parts thing when that happened. Perhaps this is one of that EPs signatures of communication? For me, I think (???) the itching was related to vulnerability paired with betrayal with a little layer of humiliation and self-hate. I have an EP who "shows up" visually covered in a sticky, tarry substance that she is completely panicked to get off of her skin, but she "endangers herself" doing it. It may be where my itchy stuff came from, before the visual. (I know...completely nuts). I have to kind of imagine providing first aid for her.

You are NOT stupid for getting your hopes up. Having hope is essential to being human and being alive. It is healthy, healthy, healthy. That you got your hopes up is a GOOD thing! I know where things stand now is really activating to parts, but remind your parts how right they were to feel hopeful! See if they can understand that they have nothing to do with the other person's response. It's not their fault. They did exactly the right thing.

I am angry at myself for trusting. That is as far as I can get right now. My left side is going wild with not being able to see and itchiness. Aaaaarrrrrghhhhh! Sorry, I feel like I am spewing here and I shouldn't be. This is just so damned humiliating. I feel like I have rolled onto my back and been slit right open.

Is it you that are angry with yourself, or a part of you that is angry with another part that trusted? (Sorry, I sound like my therapist here...but often when he says things like that, my system reframes itself and I realize that he's right...so I'm throwing the question out there for you to contemplate).

And there's another part saying that you're spewing here and shouldn't be. Of course you should be. That is what we're here for! You are supposed to be able to spew and get some support. Dear @shimmerz, please gently remind all these activated parts that you are in charge, and that you are working the best you can to get them/you what you need. You are reaching out for help and THAT is so HEALTHY and BRAVE.

I hesitate to say this because maybe I am overstepping. So disregard if it doesn't resonate. Something about this whole situation has penetrated to your earliest traumatized self that you shared in another thread. The deepest, most helpless vulnerability. Look closely at the analogy you used: I feel like I have rolled onto my back and been slit right open. Please gently soothe that tiny part that is so very wounded. Remind her that she IS safe--that that time is over, past. That you are here, now. You are alive and strong and good and kind, and you have the agency to make choices.

I send you love and warmth and gentleness. I will check back soon. Please share as the day goes on, okay?! I will be holding you in my heart.

 

[shimmerz]

I feel like I have rolled onto my back and been slit right open.

Yes, it is funny. I paused when I re-read that too. Interesting, isn't it? I know that I read in the adoption paperwork that my birth mother stated that due to that earlier trauma, she was repulsed at me. Perhaps because she knew that she was the cause of it. It was a constant reminder to her as to how evil she had been.

This does feel like a knife cutting. i wonder if perhaps there can be a sense of betrayal, humiliation, vulnerability at such a young age. That, tangled up with imminent death would be enough to throw me right off. How this relates to home, I have no idea. My brain is vortexing like crazy through all of this. I can't think straight. I haven't felt like this for a very long time. It isn't my normal dissociative response per se but instead more of a confused, looping, emotional rather than logical process going on inside of me. Like I am trapped in some sort of circular contraption that I cannot escape from with a strong feeling that I got myself into it. This makes no sense, I am sure of it.

Anyways, my minister sent me this back:
I know that 'housing' is a struggle for you - please do not let this effect you - this was not you. You were inquiring on an opportunity - upon further investigation, it is not suited for you. Period. Take nothing more from it than that.
I was quite confused with her email, I feel that at every turn you were reaching for clarity - that was really never offered.

Is it possible that I am not confused but was led into confusion but am allowing myself to take on the chaotic essence of all of this because I cannot think my way out of it due to my EP state? That doesn't make sense either. Never mind.

 

[Hope4Now]

i wonder if perhaps there can be a sense of betrayal, humiliation, vulnerability at such a young age. That, tangled up with imminent death would be enough to throw me right off.

Yes. I didn't used to believe this. In fact, when I was in therapy for a number of years when I was in college, I mentioned one time about 2 years into therapy that I had been adopted as a 3 month old. My therapist was stunned and wanted to talk about it. All the time. I finally persuaded him to stop. I did not think it was a big deal. Joke's on me :wideeyed:. As all the proverbial shit has hit the fan of my life (i.e., my ANP(s) are imploding), I understand that being abandoned by my birth mother and living in an orphanage for 3 months was a significant trauma. Yes, the infant has implicit memory, even from in utero. And it affects everything, even all these years later.

How this relates to home, I have no idea.

Home is safety and security. What we did not have in utero or as newborns.

It isn't my normal dissociative response per se but instead more of a confused, looping, emotional rather than logical process going on inside of me. Like I am trapped in some sort of circular contraption that I cannot escape from with a strong feeling that I got myself into it. This makes no sense, I am sure of it.

It makes total sense to me. Maybe this is good? That you are not dissociating into "nothingness/numbness" or, conversely, into the purely logical? What you are describing sounds like how I live a lot of my life these days...confused, looping, trapped, and at fault. Ugh, what a mucky mess. When I express this state of upheaval to my therapist, he sagely and sympathetically nods (he has done his own work/traveled a similar road). Says, "You don't have to solve it...can you just "be" with the confusion and the trapped feeling? Acknowledge it. Feel what it feels like. Know that these are parts too?"

 

[shimmerz]

Know that these are parts too

So then, is it the same parts, do you think, (from your experience?) but with a different reaction to things? This feels familiar but the reaction is so different. I am not used to spinning loopy stuff. Hmmmm, now that I think about it, spinny loopy stuff used to happen right before I would drop and then all of the sudden there was perfect clarity as I processed (although unable to move physically). Now I can move physically, therefore am allowed to deal (whereas before I would have been incapacitated until I wasn't). I wonder if I am, in fact working with the same EP but that EP is no longer prone to dropping but instead allowing me to 'think it through', no matter how scattered that may be. This happened to me when I thought someone had come to the house without my knowing about it as well, last week.

 

[shimmerz]

not wanting to derail the thread.

Never worry about that with me, please. It is never a problem. I am sorry, I must have fallen asleep .... I was no help to you whatsoever. That seems mean.

 

[Hope4Now]

I wonder if I am, in fact working with the same EP but that EP is no longer prone to dropping but instead allowing me to 'think it through', no matter how scattered that may be.

Can you ask the EP if that is what she is doing?
Is there a way for you to make space inside to sort out the different communiques? (I have a really, really hard time doing this, but perhaps you can...see my latest diary post if you want an example).