A question about details and therapy

[oakleaves]

Hi

This may be a really triggering question and triggering thing and I'm sorry if it is wrong to ask this but I really need some help with this.

Can anyone who is doing ok and feels grounded and stable enough to do this tell me how much detail they have told their therapist? With examples of how they have described things?

I really struggle to use the words. I want to tell her my story and I want to say what happened. She says it's as though I nearly get there and then stop.

A couple of things I want to say are below. I left a gap because it is awful. I feel so disgusting.

She says she has heard 'a lot'. I don't know what that means. When I am there I feel half present and half not so I can't always think clearly to say. Is that usual?

Part of what I want to say is


The person who did things to me when I was a child

Put his hands inside my underwear and up.
It hurts. Pulled my underwear down.
I had to do things to his penis. It makes me feel disgusting. His jeans all wrinkled down and the belt undone.
Fingers in my mouth.
His voice saying it isn't wrong but if people see they might think.

 

[somerandomguy]

That is a perfectly good thing to tell your T. I'm sure that, if your T says she's heard "a lot," she's heard stories very similar to yours.

It's OK to say those things. Your T's office is safe. If you can't say them, maybe you could print out or write down what you typed here and give her the paper to read.

I told my T everything. Absolutely everything. Down to the tiniest detail. And she was fine with it and she was glad that I told her.

You are OK. It wasn't your fault.

 

[piratelady]

I’ve told my therapist high level information and some details. I still can’t verbalize the details, but he lets me send that in an email and then we discuss in my next appointment.

 

[Kubash16]

She will be totally fine with what you want to say. It won’t creep or gross her out, it doesn’t cross any boundaries, it won’t make her think less of you.

My first T I gave a lot of detail to, he was easy because I clicked well with him and I would write everything out and we’d discuss after.

My second T I’ve been hesitant and she really only knows basic stuff and details about a couple things. There’s reasons I’m holding back but none you should be worried about.

Pro-tip- bring something with you, an object that’s important to you, photos, something that will let the attention be split while you tell her your story. It makes sharing come more naturally and helps a lot with the nerves.

 

[oakleaves]

Thank you all so so much.

@somerandomguy @piratelady @Kubash16 can I please check do you mean that you have described things in similar way to how I have described to your therapist? That kind of descriptive detail?

It is so hard. I am terrified of saying the words and terrified of saying too much or the wrong thing.

 

[Friday]

I don’t have an issue with the rape & sexual assault part of my trauma history / I can talk about any aspect of it, in any level of detail, all day long ...without any kind of effect on me or my life. Except I’ll probably get bored. Just like if I spent the whole day talking about food, or sneakers, or the weather in different levels of detail. Rape and sexual assault is something I totally processed, 6 ways from Sunday, a long time ago.

From a perspective of someone not bothered by rape?

I kept waiting for you to go INTO detail, up above.

You’re seeing the pictures in your mind, so I’m sure what you wrote feels very detailed... but it really isn’t.

Even if it were? :sneaky: Here’s a trick...

How violated / disgusted / repulsed / etc. at me are you going to feel if I sat here and described spaghetti carbonara? How vague do I need to keep it so you aren’t violently offended, or hurt by what I’m saying?

- There was, you know... food. And we did, you know, what you do with food. You know? The, um thing you do when you’re getting, um, ah, the thing ready to do, well, you know what you do with the thing.
- I cooked & ate noodles.
- The pasta? Noodles, meat, sauce. You know. Pasta.
- We had spaghetti carbonara. Coal miner’s pasta. Funny how the Italians name their pastas, right? Arabbiatta, enraged sauce. Puttanesca, whore sauce. Fra Diavlo, devil’s priest sauce. Cool, amiright? Anyhow, these gorgeous -made them that after noon, so they were silky smooth, just a delight to put in your mouth / but dried works just as well, love DeCecco & Barilla, quality products, those- golden semolina noodles cut on the #5 blade? Cripes I forget. I’d have to check my machine. >>>>

<<<< I’m going to stop here or it would take a million years... because I’m still chattering away about the noodles, describing the noodles, giving personal opinions and feelings and thoughts about those durn noodles, in addition to the facts, aaaaaand related subjects. Hey! I’m talking a specific kind of pasta, which relates to these other kinds of pasta (which I also have easily accessed thoughts/feelings/opinions about & experiences with), so it’s of no moment to me to mention them. Because? I just really don’t care. Because it’s freaking pasta, not trauma. It doesn’t have its claws in me.

When you’re checking yourself about detail levels? Describe your dinner. Or your new shoes. Or anything else that comes to mind that you happen to think of. Then compare and contrast. Do your shoelaces need to be glossed over, because, you know, <whispering> shoe laces ... or is it totally kosher to mention your sneakers have white laces, but you’re thinking about switching them out for pink, or maybe the stretchy ones?

 

[somerandomguy]

Yes. I have said those kinds of things in the same way you wrote, and even in a much more detailed way.

Nothing you say is going to be the wrong thing. Your T will understand. She knows it wasn't your fault.

 

[Karolina12]

Thanks for asking this question. The answers helped me. I am totally with you on being unable to talk about details. I have a hard time with generalities that are even remotely related. Actually have a hard time talking about myself at all. I am in awe that so many others can tell a coherent and detailed story and I think you were brave to post what you did so clearly.

 

[susannahsays]

I don't think it would be wrong to tell your therapist what you wrote. I haven't told the one I see much, but I told her one thing that happened once to see how disgusted she would be by me.

I will take one for the team and tell you exactly what I said, although I would appreciate it if you could let me know once you have read it in case I want to take it down afterwards. I didn't say all of this at once, she sort of had to ask some questions to get it out, but this is what I said:

Spoiler: what was said

He would make me drink a lot of water and then he wouldn't let me go to the bathroom. Then when the sex would happen, I would wet myself. He said I was doing dirty sex and I was a bad girl.

 

[Rumors]

She says she has heard 'a lot'. I don't know what that means. When I am there I feel half present and half not so I can't always think clearly to say. Is that usual?

So, I wanted to respond because I am sure this is true for many of us, but I could have written this myself...the whole post... perhaps I have written it before.
I struggle because some of the things done to me were pretty awful and disgusting. It's not about if she has heard it before or not. In fact, I hope she hasn't. However, for me it is multifaceted.
The reality of saying out loud is devastating. It makes it more real. The fact that I am truly seen and heard hits that vulnerability button that makes me want to crawl in a hole. I am convinced that everyone leaves especially if they really knew me. The details of the abuse and just how much on a global scale went on is pretty amazing. I should be a complete nut job but I am not. Yay for me!
My dad was a drunk and beat around on us and I had a family member molest me as a kid. My mom, although a kind woman, was so checked out (and had her own mental issues) that she wasn't able to protect us or even realize that I was struggling. When I share all of this dysfunction, I don't know whether to be proud of myself for not being a complete idiot, or embarrassed because it was so crazy. My first memories of my parents were about him beating my mom... ugh... Not to mention in the social world, we were this outstanding community family so it was ALWAYS about putting on face. Makes me want to vomit. But even deeper are the CSA stories that are awful. The shame I carry from that is pretty deep. I think once you can trust your therapist and see them as an ally in your healing, someone who is there because they chose to be, you may find the details are less important than the lesson. But for now, know you aren't alone, there isn't anything defective for feeling that way, and that it will evolve and become easier. Hang in there. You are welcome to message me if it helps.

 

[Kubash16]

So last night I got pretty detailed with my current T (describing every little bit of a couple of my memories). For me with both T’s it’s helped because then they get this anger afterwards. For me. Not at me, for me. That has helped me feel validated, heard, and let’s me know that hey some of the stuff that happened really was that bad.

 

[oakleaves]

I will take one for the team and tell you exactly what I said,

Thank you so much for sharing this. I just wanted to let you know I have read your response in case you do want to remove it.

I want to tell you that I don't feel disgust towards you although I feel so sad that you had to experience that. I feel relieved though that I am not the only person with these horrible intolerable stories because it feels like I am so often.