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PTSDisaster

Learning
Yes. We got better relationship now. Before it was bad. I absolutely hated her and she was ashamed to have me as a daughter.

There's none aside from him taking me away for a spin in a car. Then his attention is not directed at me, but the road, I get to feel more invisible and it sooth me down in aboit 10min or so, but also I don't want him to go driving with me all the time. And staying away till I calm down doesn't work. It only prolongs stress. I can't really stay busy in a house, bause living room, kitchen and garden (the only places there's always something to be done) are all on the ground floor in the house we live in. It makes me fell exposed and like I'm about to get attacked. 😩 Sometimes I take xanax, but it's effect doesn't last long.

I'm so sorry to hear that. Did you try to talk to your doctor about it? I know using medicine is a lot of the times treating symptom without fixing the actual problem, but after all no one shpuld be under this much stress. Also if you don' t mind me asking. Could you share in what ways the abuse from your father impacted your relationships with opposite sex? Sorry if it's asking for too much
So is it more like your hypervigilance is going through the roof or something else is causing you to feel like you're about to attack but just don't know what causes it?

Yes I'm also iin therapy and they wanted to get me on medication but I didn't want to. I thought that when I'll get through this without meds, I will know I can deal with whatever will come further in life. I do take the lightest anxiety meds possible when I get extremely anxious tho.

I actually don't know what the impact is from the sexual abuse. My feelings and my thoughts aren't connected very well. For example; I think I deserve what everyone else deserves, but my feelings are fckedup I get sick when I think my bf is interested in other women.
Most impact I think is that I just can't trust men, I always think that they're nonstop thinking about sex and will do everything for it to get that. When I'm not in a relationship I don't really care what men are thinking (or aren't haha), but about my boyfriend I really do. When I was a teenager my 'boyfriends' all cheated on me and constantly lied so I think that has made quite an impact as well. It just feels like whenever a man is around they're always looking at my ass so I prefer not to walk in front of them (or actually not stand up at all)

I don't think this story is very well written so sorry if it's hard to read haha. Are you already talking about your trauma's or dont you talk about them at all?
 

Complex Lulu

New Here
So is it more like your hypervigilance is going through the roof or something else is causing you to feel like you're about to attack but just don't know what causes it?

Yes I'm also iin therapy and they wanted to get me on medication but I didn't want to. I thought that when I'll get through this without meds, I will know I can deal with whatever will come further in life. I do take the lightest anxiety meds possible when I get extremely anxious tho.

I actually don't know what the impact is from the sexual abuse. My feelings and my thoughts aren't connected very well. For example; I think I deserve what everyone else deserves, but my feelings are fckedup I get sick when I think my bf is interested in other women.
Most impact I think is that I just can't trust men, I always think that they're nonstop thinking about sex and will do everything for it to get that. When I'm not in a relationship I don't really care what men are thinking (or aren't haha), but about my boyfriend I really do. When I was a teenager my 'boyfriends' all cheated on me and constantly lied so I think that has made quite an impact as well. It just feels like whenever a man is around they're always looking at my ass so I prefer not to walk in front of them (or actually not stand up at all)

I don't think this story is very well written so sorry if it's hard to read haha. Are you already talking about your trauma's or dont you talk about them at all?
Honestly don't know what is my problem in that situation. Still did not figure it out.

I have the opposite problem. For me if a man does not see me as sexual object I feel completely useless and disgusting. It's like the only thing I have to offer that makes me worthy is my body... But then i see men as predarors... I prefer these one, who show lack of interest in me, as it feels safer... Eh, its all just twisted. At the same time I have big problems with getting intimate. So if someone wants sex i'm petrified.

My partner now is my only boyfriend I've ever had. I was 25 when we met. Im soon turning 29...on the inside i cant wait for us to be over as it brings so much stress and old wounds.

It was very easy to understand. 😊

Yeah. I've been to therapy past 2 years. At the moment we have a break due to covid. How long have you been in Therapy? Does it help you?
 

PTSDisaster

Learning
Honestly don't know what is my problem in that situation. Still did not figure it out.

I have the opposite problem. For me if a man does not see me as sexual object I feel completely useless and disgusting. It's like the only thing I have to offer that makes me worthy is my body... But then i see men as predarors... I prefer these one, who show lack of interest in me, as it feels safer... Eh, its all just twisted. At the same time I have big problems with getting intimate. So if someone wants sex i'm petrified.

My partner now is my only boyfriend I've ever had. I was 25 when we met. Im soon turning 29...on the inside i cant wait for us to be over as it brings so much stress and old wounds.

It was very easy to understand. 😊

Yeah. I've been to therapy past 2 years. At the moment we have a break due to covid. How long have you been in Therapy? Does it help you?
My relationship causes me a looooot of stress as well, but I know these old wounds only opened up because it's safe with him and I'm still convinced I will get through this and than can finally optimal enjoy my time with him. But for now it's for me too, just hanging in there and trying to hold on. With periods I feel good but also periods where it gets really bad and I feel locked up because my anxiety doesn't let me go out of the house. Plus I also got the same problem as you; where should I go?

I've been in therapy 2 years too. But past 6 months I've got a new therapist, because the one before wasn't specialised in ptsd. It helps, but I always feel like we're not getting deep enough and we're not finding what's really causing all these symptoms. So nice but exhausting at the same time.

on the inside i cant wait for us to be over
What's holding back that you haven't broken up with him? Do you love him but is it just your symptoms you need to get rid of? Or is it also that you don't love him anymore?
 

Complex Lulu

New Here
My relationship causes me a looooot of stress as well, but I know these old wounds only opened up because it's safe with him and I'm still convinced I will get through this and than can finally optimal enjoy my time with him. But for now it's for me too, just hanging in there and trying to hold on. With periods I feel good but also periods where it gets really bad and I feel locked up because my anxiety doesn't let me go out of the house. Plus I also got the same problem as you; where should I go?

I've been in therapy 2 years too. But past 6 months I've got a new therapist, because the one before wasn't specialised in ptsd. It helps, but I always feel like we're not getting deep enough and we're not finding what's really causing all these symptoms. So nice but exhausting at the same time.


What's holding back that you haven't broken up with him? Do you love him but is it just your symptoms you need to get rid of? Or is it also that you don't love him anymore?
I'm thinking of chsngin my therapist too for the same reason. I feel like we hit the wall and that's it. She told me a while back that after hearing about all the problems I'm facing / the lenght of trauma and amount of people involved in it, she's worried my issues are too deep for her to handle and help me get out of it. We done quite a bit of improvements since then so I guess she was not right... But then I keep on thinking that there's someone, who wpuld be even better suited. How do you find your new therapist? Was it a great improvement?

To be conpletely honest I don't think I'm capable of love. I've been emotionally numb for 9 years before theraphy.slowly I lost any last bit of feelings. Positive and negative. I wouldn't care about anyone. I dropped all my friends, who they would say we were really close to and pretty much entire family within one day after I moved over to Ireland. And not once have I missed anyone. I don't know exactly what love is and I don't think I ever felt that for a human being... For my pets for sure...I think what I feel to my partner is the closest I can get to loving someone and I know if we would split I would feel so much lighter and relieved, but I know I would miss him...the thing that kept ud together is me hoping my issues would be improved quicker, so we could really try being a couple. But at the time I can only feel calm and feel the "love" or whatever that is, when he's constantly around me. Once he's out of my sight I lose any attachment, the picture of him in my head changes and feelings to him disappear and stress kicks in. It's tough. It's been 3 years. My issues started month after I started talking to him. I can't handle being in the centre of attention and he's really affectionate and loving. Makes me feel repulsed. Then my therapist tells me to not listen to my gut, because it's not really a good thing to do when dealing with mental health issues... At the same time she said it sounds to her like I'm just really dissatisfied in my relationship...but the area the most affected by my issues is relationships... So of course I'll be dissatisfied... But how in the fu** am I supposed to know if that's the case or is it coming from my CPTSD?!

What would you say is the worst symptom coming from your PTSD in your life that is at the moment the most difficult to deal with?
 

PTSDisaster

Learning
I'm thinking of chsngin my therapist too for the same reason. I feel like we hit the wall and that's it. She told me a while back that after hearing about all the problems I'm facing / the lenght of trauma and amount of people involved in it, she's worried my issues are too deep for her to handle and help me get out of it. We done quite a bit of improvements since then so I guess she was not right... But then I keep on thinking that there's someone, who wpuld be even better suited. How do you find your new therapist? Was it a great improvement?

To be conpletely honest I don't think I'm capable of love. I've been emotionally numb for 9 years before theraphy.slowly I lost any last bit of feelings. Positive and negative. I wouldn't care about anyone. I dropped all my friends, who they would say we were really close to and pretty much entire family within one day after I moved over to Ireland. And not once have I missed anyone. I don't know exactly what love is and I don't think I ever felt that for a human being... For my pets for sure...I think what I feel to my partner is the closest I can get to loving someone and I know if we would split I would feel so much lighter and relieved, but I know I would miss him...the thing that kept ud together is me hoping my issues would be improved quicker, so we could really try being a couple. But at the time I can only feel calm and feel the "love" or whatever that is, when he's constantly around me. Once he's out of my sight I lose any attachment, the picture of him in my head changes and feelings to him disappear and stress kicks in. It's tough. It's been 3 years. My issues started month after I started talking to him. I can't handle being in the centre of attention and he's really affectionate and loving. Makes me feel repulsed. Then my therapist tells me to not listen to my gut, because it's not really a good thing to do when dealing with mental health issues... At the same time she said it sounds to her like I'm just really dissatisfied in my relationship...but the area the most affected by my issues is relationships... So of course I'll be dissatisfied... But how in the fu** am I supposed to know if that's the case or is it coming from my CPTSD?!

What would you say is the worst symptom coming from your PTSD in your life that is at the moment the most difficult to deal with?
Yes I think it was a great improvement. My previous therapist and I were close tho so it was terrible to leave her, but I'm also good with my new therapist so I'm glad I switched:)

Yes I also don't care about people that much, but when in a relationship I will give everything and I will feel completely overwhelmed with my feelings. And I also care veeeery much about animals.
I was and I am in your position too sometimes, I just want to break up I don't feel like I love him anymore, just want to live alone without any humas nearby and with a lot of animals. But I know that he is a special person because my ptsd started working up. For example; when you're in the army you don't feel your ptsd, most veterans will notice their ptsd when they stop working because they're in a safe place for the first time since. This is what's happened to me too, and i think it might happened to you as well. There is a special person needed for this to come out.
Maybe you should read/listen to this book: 'reinventing your life' from Jeffrey Young. It helps you identify what your pitfalls(?translated this idk if it's a word) are, it really helped me get insight of my problems, there are a lot of examples throughout the book. It sounds like you have quite a inferiority complex that you should start working on.

But how in the fu** am I supposed to know if that's the case or is it coming from my CPTSD?!
I knoooow this is one of my big issues too. Always contemplating if it's me or ptsd. The constant doubt of yourself is sickening. I really really know this feeling it's terrible.

What would you say is the worst symptom coming from your PTSD in your life that is at the moment the most difficult to deal with?
Anxiety, but that covers a lot of shit of the ptsd. Mostly everything to do with being 'jealous'. I'm constantly worrying what my boyfriend is doing or looking at. I don't ever get a minute to just breathe and not think about anything. Mostly it's physical symptoms thats bothering me. I get really nauseaus, will vomit everytime something stresses me out, when I think about certain things I feel shivers.
The physical issues are the biggest ones, I think the trauma is stored in my body and not in my mind. That's what makes it so hard for me to understand what is ptsd and what is me as a person. It's also more difficult to solve the issues in therapy because i really don't know where tf it's coming from.

What is your worst symptom?
And how are you doing today??
 

Complex Lulu

New Here
Yes I think it was a great improvement. My previous therapist and I were close tho so it was terrible to leave her, but I'm also good with my new therapist so I'm glad I switched:)

Yes I also don't care about people that much, but when in a relationship I will give everything and I will feel completely overwhelmed with my feelings. And I also care veeeery much about animals.
I was and I am in your position too sometimes, I just want to break up I don't feel like I love him anymore, just want to live alone without any humas nearby and with a lot of animals. But I know that he is a special person because my ptsd started working up. For example; when you're in the army you don't feel your ptsd, most veterans will notice their ptsd when they stop working because they're in a safe place for the first time since. This is what's happened to me too, and i think it might happened to you as well. There is a special person needed for this to come out.
Maybe you should read/listen to this book: 'reinventing your life' from Jeffrey Young. It helps you identify what your pitfalls(?translated this idk if it's a word) are, it really helped me get insight of my problems, there are a lot of examples throughout the book. It sounds like you have quite a inferiority complex that you should start working on.


I knoooow this is one of my big issues too. Always contemplating if it's me or ptsd. The constant doubt of yourself is sickening. I really really know this feeling it's terrible.


Anxiety, but that covers a lot of shit of the ptsd. Mostly everything to do with being 'jealous'. I'm constantly worrying what my boyfriend is doing or looking at. I don't ever get a minute to just breathe and not think about anything. Mostly it's physical symptoms thats bothering me. I get really nauseaus, will vomit everytime something stresses me out, when I think about certain things I feel shivers.
The physical issues are the biggest ones, I think the trauma is stored in my body and not in my mind. That's what makes it so hard for me to understand what is ptsd and what is me as a person. It's also more difficult to solve the issues in therapy because i really don't know where tf it's coming from.

What is your worst symptom?
And how are you doing today??
I'm so happy for you that changing therapist improved your situation.

Also you have no idea how much you've helped me out with explaining the symptoms showing once in safe place. Makes so much sense.

Also thank you for recomendation! Definitely will order that one. Also if I can recommend anything is definitely book "Body keeps the score: brain, mind and body in healing of trauma" by Bessel Von Der Kolk. This book is focusing mostly on traumas impact on your body and brain... How it's changes etc. It's a heavy thing to read if you're not ready,but the understanding you get from this book is insane.

So sorry you have to go through that. No one should deal with that. And i do get the confusion as to what is the cause of all the anxiety. I can almost never figure what triggers it.

My worst symptoms would be depersonalization / derealozation. After every panic attack or ptsd episode it feels like my mind is constantly spinning. I don't know where I am and what's happening. Sometimes it feels like I'm in a book. I can't recognize my reflection, looking at my pictures is so disturbing I can't handle that and get panic attacks and my partners face looks like the face of my brother. I'm aware it's not normal while it's happening and telling myself it's me even if it doesn' t look like it, but it just brings more disregulation and my brain feels like jelly. Ehh, It alwayd takes me about 2 weeks to get back to "normal" after it happens. Get them once a month... Used to be twice a week... Couldn't look at my pictures for good year.

Am doing better today. How are you doing?
 

PTSDisaster

Learning
I'm so happy for you that changing therapist improved your situation.

Also you have no idea how much you've helped me out with explaining the symptoms showing once in safe place. Makes so much sense.

Also thank you for recomendation! Definitely will order that one. Also if I can recommend anything is definitely book "Body keeps the score: brain, mind and body in healing of trauma" by Bessel Von Der Kolk. This book is focusing mostly on traumas impact on your body and brain... How it's changes etc. It's a heavy thing to read if you're not ready,but the understanding you get from this book is insane.

So sorry you have to go through that. No one should deal with that. And i do get the confusion as to what is the cause of all the anxiety. I can almost never figure what triggers it.

My worst symptoms would be depersonalization / derealozation. After every panic attack or ptsd episode it feels like my mind is constantly spinning. I don't know where I am and what's happening. Sometimes it feels like I'm in a book. I can't recognize my reflection, looking at my pictures is so disturbing I can't handle that and get panic attacks and my partners face looks like the face of my brother. I'm aware it's not normal while it's happening and telling myself it's me even if it doesn' t look like it, but it just brings more disregulation and my brain feels like jelly. Ehh, It alwayd takes me about 2 weeks to get back to "normal" after it happens. Get them once a month... Used to be twice a week... Couldn't look at my pictures for good year.

Am doing better today. How are you doing?
Ahhh really! That's so nice to hear thank you:)

Yess I really want to read that book as well!

When you can go back to therapy you can bring your pictures whenever you're ready for it, I've heard it's also some sort of exposure therapy. It's good that your panic happens less often tho.. but still hard to live like this..

Glad you're doing better today:)
I'm okay, lately I've been feeling better until last week, I've had a nightmare and all my symptoms got much worse but I don't think about the nightmare it doesn't bother me that much. But as I already said, my body is bothered with the trauma so it's exhausting to understand if it is the nightmare or if i'm just feeling bad
 

Friday

Moderator
I ended up on an accidental walking group with an NFL coach? Apparently I was the only person he’d met that year who had no idea who the f*ck he was, but still thought he was cool. I was just in the habit of taking my dog out the same days/times he was. Great guy, for true. Funny as hell.

I think my social-ability-ish-ness has fallen by a factor of over 9,000 since my dog died.
 
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