I'm curious,
@minirini - how old were you and your boyfriend when this happened?
What bothers me about your posts, is you are trying to make him responsible for not telling you more
before the event even occurred.
While you are acknowledging that yes, you had a responsibility to do your part in the relationship and ask questions before you agreed to "try BDSM" (saying that loosely, because it doesn't sound like either of you had an understanding of what it is).
You are describing him as the person who had done this before, and therefore should have known better. But that's not at all true. From what you describe it's clear that he had as little knowledge as you did. The only difference between the two of you was, you believed you were "supposed" to let him do what he wanted, and you did not
treat him like a person you were in a consent relationship with.
So on the night we agreed to try BDSM, he and I went over to his apartment. To my shock, as soon as we entered the apartment, he just proceeded straight to knocking my head against the wall, slapping me, lightly strangling me, and ordering me to do things to him. He had never mentioned that he would get that violent.
I agreed to BDSM, so technically I consented, but I didn't agree to his version of BDSM. He never discussed his BDSM fantasy in detail, just asked about anal sex. Then again, if I asked for clarifying information, perhaps this whole thing never would have happened.
So he did have a vague clue that one is supposed to agree to limits. And he asked about them. He didn't know that the submissive in BDSM is actually in control of the scenario. He was supposed to?
During the BDSM, since he was in the position of complete power, and he knew this was my first time with BDSM, he should have checked in with me at various points throughout the whole thing. He may not have intentionally coerced me and hurt me, but the fact is that he did. He traumatized me.
No, he did not coerce you. He did hurt you physically. I understand that it was a really dreadful experience.
On his part, he should have made sure I fully understood what he meant, and since he was the initiator asking me to try something new, he should have asked me how I was at various points throughout the whole experience.
This is just trying to pass accountability to him. It's simply not true.
Then again, no matter what the sexual act, which in this case is BDSM, there should be ongoing consent and either partner theoretically should be able to say no at any time. He used enough force to scare me into being unable to say no.
Be honest: was there ever a point that you wondered if you should say no, but were embarrassed to, or afraid to - not out of fear for your life, but of fear that you'd be somehow damaging the relationship?
But was it my fault that I didn't feel safe enough to say "no" or "stop" because of fear and being coerced into performing oral sex? No. He was in charge and he had the responsibility of making sure he didn't actually hurt me or scare me to the point of being speechless. Responsibility cuts both ways.
No. Again, he was not in charge, you were - and if either of you had spent 30 minutes on the internet, you would have learned that.
in my opinion, the person who initiates also has a responsibility to make sure both parties are on the same page
I can't stress enough, that this may be your opinion, but it is very, very not how it works. When it comes to your body and your mind and your sexual health - you, and only you, are responsible.
Don't confuse responsibility with blame. You were responsible, and there is no-one to blame in this scenario, because blame simply cannot be assigned.
I'm trying to figure out something because the fact is that no matter whose fault it is, the fact still remains that he hurt me quite unexpectedly and badly.
I believe you, absolutely. And this is a real thing. If you are still together with this guy, you've got to talk about it. If you are not, you still may want to talk about it - or, you may want to work out your experience of what happened with a therapist.
Let's be clear - sex is often weird, feels impossible to talk about, there's a lot of anxiety and shame around even existing as a sexual human in a relationship. Am I doing it right? Doing it wrong? I hate doing this, but they seem to like it...so do I just keep doing it? They do this thing with me, I don't like, but I don't want them to be embarrassed...So many hurdles. And this is why, I don't think that assigning blame is possible here. Both you and he were responsible for things. Both you and he made mistakes. There is a good chance that if you told him how this was for you, he would be incredibly guilt-ridden and it could f*ck him up for a big chunk of time, same way it's f*cking you up. Seriously. Have you ever accidentally hurt someone, badly, but did not know it at the time? I once heard a noise and was so startled I turned quickly and elbowed a kid in the nose so hard, it started bleeding. Crowded street, surprising alarm going off on the building right next to where I was walking...I should not have stopped so short and turned on a crowded, moving street. Mom should not have been following so close behind me. I should not have been counterbalancing my backpack. Kid should have had a little more awareness. Store should not have tested their alarm system in the middle of foot-traffic rush hour.
Everyone can have fault, and no-one can have blame.
