How To Respond To A Boundary Violator

[EvenStrongerNow]

Today, I said no to a request politely.

Here is the story:

My husband calls me to ask if the mail man came and knocked on the door today. I said no, he didn't, but I did find a notice in the mail box that when he came yesterday and the knock was missed, it is available for pickup at the post office.

Last night, I did say to him that I would go get the package if I don't hear a knock at our door today. He said, "Ok. Would you mind going and picking that up for me?" I said, "Actually, I'm right in the middle of doing a few things. I'll grab it tomorrow on my way out to my therapy appointment."

He gets upset very noticeably and says, "Come on. Please can you go pick it up?"

I re-assert my request with the same. Mind you, the contents of the package is liquid to fill up our ecigarettes and we currently have a few big bottles of the liquid in our house so I didn't think it was super urgent or I would have gotten it earlier when I felt better. He became completely unaccepting of my boundary.

He says, "Come on. You were sleeping and missed the delivery yesterday!" (I had no idea the package was coming yesterday because he orders things, gets the shipping emails and doesn't tell me) "Can't you just do this one tiny favor for me? It's just a 5 minute drive!"

Keep in mind, he isn't saying this respectfully. He literally is coming off, at least to me, with the demeanor that I should feel guilty for missing the package yesterday because I was sleeping even though I didn't know it was coming and he is completely disrespecting my boundary and my choice to pick up a non-urgent item a day later.

He says, "Well, you told me last night that you would get it if you missed it again today." I said, "Yes I know that and I'm sorry. I'm right in the middle of a few things. I'll get it tomorrow on my way out to therapy."

Then an argument happens and ends with me going "I can't believe this! I feel disrespected and not allowed to say no." He says, "I can't believe you think that you're not allowed to say no. I feel disrespected too.

Isn't that exactly what he did? Didn't he completely get upset at me saying "no"? I did end up saying to him, "Okay. Fine, I will go get the package before 5. I'm sorry for disrespecting you."

OK. This isn't like a normal conversation between us....so don't get ahead of it lol I more so see my husband as someone who didn't hear the word "no" a lot...or if he did, he knew how to get his way ha ha!

On a serious note, how do I deal with this? I see that my part in it is allowing it. Now, I'm so resentful that I don't even want to go to the post office and I probably won't. It is extremely triggering to me when someone takes the slightest issue with me saying No. I realize that kids will do that when I have them some day, but I somehow feel that it will feel differently with them. I do not know. How do I deal with the way my husband acted. Or, am I the one in the wrong?

 

[therisa]

StrongerNow, I have a similar issue, when it comes to saying "no", to others. I think, you did right, in standing your ground with youir husband. For myself, I feel extremely guilty after using "no", because I need that time for myself.

 

[molly63]

You're not his mother, he's not a child. He is an adult and should't depend on you for everything. It sounds like he bullied you into saying what he wanted to hear. I know it can be hard when he throws such a fit, but that's his problem. You are allowed to change your mind and it needs to be made clear you will not put up with that. You do not deserve to be disrespected. I am guilty of this but you have to try finding your voice and not backing down.

 

[molly63]

You also have to be willing to walk away if he won't respect you.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I didn't want it to be a battle, but as soon as I heard him contentiously disagreeing with my no, I felt disrespected and I reacted and maybe minimized him when I said, "This is ridiculous! I can't believe you are getting mad about a simple mail package!"

I don't know. Maybe it was very important to him to have it even though I didn't think it was important. For me, it was more about not giving in to stating a boundary more than actually going to pick it up. It really was a simple request and I could've done it. I just didn't feel up to leaving the house. I'm still in my pajamas and my hair is a nightmare. I finally just got something to eat half an hour ago ugh and well, I just generally feel gross and I don't like to leave the house when I feel that way.

I didn't want to tell him that was the reason because I felt like it isn't okay to feel that way. So, I lied when I said I was in the middle of a few things.

I feel like maybe I made a bigger deal of it than it was, but then again, that's my pattern...to blame myself when feelings get uncomfortable. When he begged me to do a tiny favor for him "just this once"....I felt so guilty. I literally felt like he was suggesting that I never do anything for him which is so irrational and not true....that must be my inner critic talking.

Why are things like this so HUGE for us PTSDers? ugh. Now, I feel like when he gets home, we will have to navigate through why this sucked and everything will be okay, but I want to avoid it. I don't want to deal with it. It seems difficult more than usual. Usually I'm all gung ho about solving problems, but lately, I feel tired . . .

 

[therisa]

StrongerNow, have you mentioned this, to your therapist/counsellor? S/He needs to know, and help you, to work through this, in a constructive way, for you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I wonder. If he never hears no, do you never tell him no? He's going to hate this change!

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Well, because I've shared with him in the past my struggle with people pleasing and standing up for myself....I've also told him how sometimes I need to assert myself and it's not about the thing, but about asserting my right to say no, he thinks that I'm doing that every time.

I'm starting to think that maybe it just becomes that after someone disagrees with my no because it makes me feel like they are saying I do not have a right to my own choices. I do not like it. And I want him to stop doing it.

I have talked to my therapist about it. She says that she thinks he and I have the same emotional wounds and that he deals with PTSD too maybe. She says that because I'm growing and changing, since he isn't, it will cause friction.

She says she sees that I'm realizing that the little girl inside of me who tried to protect for so long, now I'm telling her it's safe and that I can take over. I'm seeing that I don't have a current need for my old defense mechanisms and ways of coping. She says that when I am changing, that leaves him to look at himself...so he will deny, blame, and etc. That the shift will eventually force him into dealing with his past.

Well, I believe her. I believe in that possibility. It's just so hard when it's going on. Just because I can see an underlying dynamic in someone else, does that mean I should just assume that because they are basically good willed? That's difficult for me because in the past, I have been duped and manipulated into giving myself up trusting that someone is who they said they were.

On the other hand, it's hard for me to stick to my guns when he carries on the argument for so long. My pattern is to start thinking maybe I am at fault.

I just tried calling him to apologize for making him feel disrespected. I told him that I'm calling to own my part in it. He continued with the argument and said, "Well, I think this is a pattern. There is disrespect in the way that you speak to me." And then brought up something from the past to make his "pattern" valid.

I didn't argue with it. I said, "I know I'm not perfect and sometimes, we respond to situations out of anger and don't mean to. I'm pretty sure I said sorry for it last time. I have my patterns of reacting and you have yours. We both have them. But we are in a relationship and we must understand that it doesn't mean that the other person is intentionally causing the other one harm (this is something I learned in managing triggers with PTSD)."

He didn't believe what I was telling him. He said, "I just don't see when you say I responded to you a certain way, I disagree with you. Every time you say that, I don't see what you are saying. I'm a big believer in owning my part. I don't think it's me at all."

I said, "Are you saying that you don't trust me when I say I'm sorry? What do I do with that? That's all I know a person is to do when they've done something to hurt another person whether intentionally or not. We apologize and ask forgiveness. It doesn't mean I can be perfect and never hurt your feelings. If my sorries aren't believed, does that mean you don't trust me?"

It just carried on so I said, "Okay. Maybe you aren't ready to hear my sorry right now and I can respect that. We can discuss it later."

It's so tough because I fear that owning my part, he interprets it as I am admitting that it's all my fault. Maybe I'm not giving him room to come to his senses? Maybe I should let him come to me and just remain calm and stick with my previous assertion?

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Thank God! He just texted and said, "I'm sorry I made you feel disrespected."

What do I say?

So sticking to my guns but still owning my part does work!!!!! Yippeee!

Last time I spoke with my T, she said that I do need to give people more room to give me what I need instead of asking for it all of the time....like emotional needs...but to still remember who I am and give those things to myself so it won't seem so distressing...maybe this is one of the ways she is talking about?

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Is it necessary to point out he was displaying bullying behavior? What I mean is, isn't telling him he disrespected me the same thing?

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

You make very valid points DMerish and molly. I'm trying to work on these things. My part in this dynamic is allowing it. I don't blame myself for his behavior though. At least, I think I'm working very hard to change that about me.

I do feel like his mom a lot of the time. I know I have a part in that. I'm trying extremely hard to fix that too. Part of why that happened is because he is avoidant/controlling....I am controlling/placating lol I know our styles and we each try to control in our own ways due to trauma.

He truly is a wonderful man you guys. I know I'm not in a fantasy. I knew him for 5 years before we even started dating. He is also an alcoholic who hasn't been going to meetings lol He tends to get very selfish during those times. I've given up on directing that in his life too. I no longer say anything about it, but I need to stop making it easy for him when he displays the behaviors.

Last time we spoke, he got all butt hurt and said, "Nevermind, I'll just go get my own stuff from now on. I'll do it in the morning."

Instead of feeling guilty, I simply said, "Okay. Yah, maybe that would be better." But I didn't use the same childish tone that he did.

 

[stephanie44]

I would try to continue to state your boundaries and if you need to, walk away. After over 6 years of having to listen to innapropriate sexual language at the elementary school where I teach(from the teachers; I spoke to my principal about it at the end of last year), when it started up again last week, I set a boundary and contacted my union president as well as the rep at my state level.
I decided I had had enough - now I realize that people(some) will listen and if your husband knows you mean NO for the moment at least, then that is your boundary. I am curious as to why he couldn't just get what he needed himself?