Relationship How To Set Boundaries?

[Chrish]

Hello, My Girlfriend will not accept me putting up any boundaries. If we have any difference of opinion I have to be wrong and she has to be right. If I try and assert I have the right to my own opinions we go down the road of I'm disregarding her and she takes it as a personal attack. If I get entrenched and won't back down and apologize she get angry and the yelling starts. At this point is all my fault for triggering her and she becomes irrational and aggressive. I'm afraid its too late in the game to successfuly set the right boundaries. I tend to avoid conflict and just placate and just let her think I agree with her and move on knowing that topic is now off limits. I just can't any longer. Anyone have advice on setting boundaries and breaking bad habits?

 

[seedling]

I'm assuming you are talking about your own bad habits :)

Can you find some way of completely disengaging her after stating your own opinion?
Calmly saying something like "I need to leave the room now", "I am going to end this conversation and go do XYZ thing/activity". Find a way to break it off and take the physical action that goes with the words.

If she physically follows you to press her point you need to strategize further about how to stay calm without placating as your "out." Do you get afraid and go to placation? What is your personal motive for placating?

not accept me putting up any boundaries

This is a huge red flag
What is her motivation to be right all the time? Does she ever apologize later?
Have you done research on narcissistic characteristics?

Self examination will help you understand what your role is in the dynamics between you and the challenges you face in changing your behavior. If she is used to being placated she may not like the change. Or she may respond and be glad to get to a healthier place in your relationship.

Good for you for working on things!

 

[Chrish]

I feel I placate her because I have my own issues with conflict avoidance. I've always been a peace maker. I've tried walking away but it is met with. "because I struggle with mental health problems and you don't you get to decide when the conversation is over and you just get to be right." it always comes down to being right I can say you have your opinion and I have mine they are equally valid. And she will tell me that since I won't adopt her view that means I think she's wrong. I've never gotten her to agree to disagree.

 

[seedling]

You can only change yourself. You probably know that.
So, if she isn't going to change (which you may or may not know yet) what is your decision about staying in this relationship?

I am also a peace maker and that is a valid and honest character trait. I've felt ashamed of it because I've let myself also be
a doormat. I've been attached to people that took way more than they gave. I came to see the shallowness of those relationships. They weren't bad people, just incapable of extending the kind of friendship I desired. I wanted more. Since the PTSD I have let go of several people. I still am amicable when I am around them but I don't spend my energy on them. I spend my energy on others who are interested in the same depth of relationship.

Peace makers can't keep peace with those who don't want it. You deserve to have a stable, loving, reciprocal relationship with others. One that's supportive of who you are, not draining of your energies.
She sounds very very controlling. Her control at all costs (even the cost of her dear one's happiness).

 

[EveHarrington]

Set the boundary.

Say this is my boundary------

If you do not abide by my boundary I will---------- (walk away, leave for a day/two days/a week)

Enforce the boundary when she crosses it.

IMHO the problem I see isn't in setting the boundary rather you are unable to enforce the boundary.

"Making peace" isn't really doing something for the good of the relationship when you only do it to make peace in this moment but really you're making all the infinite number of moments in the future even worse-----making peace now serves to make the future relationships worse in cases like this.

 

[mary1979]

Well I can definitely identify with the feeling of needing to be right all the time at different points in my life.

Not sure why it was so important to me, but have speculated at times that it is an adolescent type behaviour.

After watching my daughter go through such periods during puberty it occurred to me that for her at least, it was all about her finding herself, developing her own set of morals and finding where she fit in the world.

Many here speak about sufferers becoming trapped in certain stages of growth by their trauma and then being unable to continue maturing in a healthy way.

For me, learning things like this enabled me to check myself, identify where I was going wrong (jumping in to exert my point instead of valuing another's first) and I was finally able to stop being so ridiculously over sensitive to the constructive criticism my husband was offering and actually HEAR him out. (I still sometimes fail at this now, but slowly getting better)

Its all about getting the right tools, which can be hard when she wont even acknowledge that she needs to look for said tools.

Its unfair that she is using her ptsd as a way to manipulate you into submissiveness, she is really unwell :(

I feel for you.

 

[Fadeaway]

Oddly enough I got into a argument with my husband last night where I was on both your end and your girfriends end.

My husband was stuck in black or white thinking, if I said I had a different opinion, he automaticly took it to mean I was saying he was wrong and I was right. I never said that, but there was no convencing him otherwise. I was being as direct as I could, but he refused to let go of his interpritation of what I said instead of the message I was trying to convey.

Never once did I say his way was wrong, only that his didn't make sense to me, and my way did. It was never a matter of right or wrong.

If I try and assert I have the right to my own opinions we go down the road of I'm disregarding her and she takes it as a personal attack.

My husband said almost word for word that he was just trying to assert his right to have his opinions. I only ever tried to say that I couldn't understand his way, not that it it was wrong. He caught so caught up intrying to "assert his opinon" I did feel attacked, and disregarded because because he was not hearing what I was really trying to say.

He wouldn't let it go, no matter how many times I tried to tell him what I was saying, he couldn't see past the fact he thought I was saying he was wrong. And yes, it is very triggering. Not feeling like you have a voice is very triggering.

Even if this is not your situation, trying to prove your view point is not setting boundries at all. Setting boundries would look like. "I will listen to your opinion with an open mine, if you will listen to mine, but if you try to insult my opinion or put my opinion down, I am walking away from the conversation.

I can say you have your opinion and I have mine they are equally valid.

Well said. You don't not need to get her to agree to that, You did assert yourself by saying that, and if you can drop the conversation there (easier said than done) and not engage any farther, it might give her time to digest what you are saying once she calms down.

Trying to play the peacemaker is not healthy and it will eventually break you down. Saying" This is how I feel, you don't have to agree. I will consider your point of veiw but I can not promise that I will change my mind." is much healthier.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think that by setting the limits and boundaries you are in the process of changing the unwritten and unspoken rules of the relationship which is not a bad thing for you but percieved as bad.

You are growing and changing and it upsets the balance of power in communication. Consider trying to go to couples counseling if you can swing it. If she refuses to go with you, then it is a stalemate and her agenda for you will continue to break you down and make you small and giving the power and control into her hands.

You are not a doormat and it is only human to have wants and needs and to disagree when it is important to you.

You are more aware and awake than she is I am assuming. All people have agendas for you. I struggled with this one for so many years myself. To set a limit and a boundary is upsetting and will be resisted by her because she is not used to this and she will do strange things to regain the power and control over you.

Just be conssitent like a broken record with non defensive responses and take a time out and leave the arguement when it is at a impasse going noweher but in circles. If she follows you and gets in your face, leave the home and have a plan to go elsewhere and take a time out for you. It will be fought against as if her life depends on this but you are the one who is aware of the situation as it is right now.

Repeat as needed. Leave her alone by herself for a while and be consitent. It is very hard at first but you can do this with proactice. I wish you the very best.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Your girlfriend doesn't have to accept or let you set boundaries. Boundaries are limits you set for YOURSELF.

You can decide what you will or will not tolerate, not how somebody else behaves. For example, you can't say "you're not allowed to do XYZ." But you can say "If my partner does XYZ, I will not tolerate it, and I will leave the situation etc." See the difference?

We can't control how other people react. We can only control how we act. So if your boundary is "I will not stand here and be yelled at", then leave. She has no say in that. She crossed your line.

Boundaries are so important for supporters... Without them we turn into doormats fast.

 

[IvyMillie]

What I have found works for me is that I will let most things slide when my husband is in one of those moods--of having to be right. However, if it's an issue that I feel strongly about I might go to battle about it. So most of the time we have peace.

I'm also a peacemaker however I've realized now that I'm older that sometimes I go to battle it out because I do it for myself. The thing with my husband is that he doesn't really care if we battle something out. A few minutes later and he is over it. So I eventually figured well actually he doesn't care if I stand up for myself.

An odd thing I noticed also is that sometimes he gets happy if we battle it out. It's like it releases his tension. Of course, at first this annoyed me, but then oh well. Granted we only have a battle maybe twice a year.

I might add that we never name call or say super mean things to each other so we aren't reaching levels of abuse.

He has different degrees of mood though, so sometimes he is more reasonable than at other times. So I have to be intuitive to make the right decision.

 

[Sideways]

It's surprisingly easy for us (all) to say, "I'm the peacemaker...", because I think, when it comes to disagreements, there are few of us that would put up our hand as "I'm the one that lobs the grenade into the situation". But There are 2 perspectives to every argument...

I have a sister who, bless her cotton socks, drops the "I have my opinion, you have yours, watch me make my exit at this point" all the time. Broken record. And that's fine, because we're not particularly close and if she doesn't understand where I'm coming from, pfft! Like I care.

But if it was my partner, and I actually really really did want them to try and understand where I was coming from, the "We've got different opinions, learn to cope or watch me walk away" would get really frustrating...to put it mildly.

If I had a dollar for every time a ptsd'er said, right here on this forum, "They just aren't hearing me", or "They don't understand why this is such a big issue for me", or "They think they get it, but they really really don't", or "How can I get them to understand me"....

You guys have a relationship, and it's okay to have different opinions on things. But it also makes sense if, being your partner, she'd like there to be better understanding if she feels like you don't understand a lot of the time. Or if she's trying to communicate (and doing a lousy job) about things that might seem small to you, but actually have a lot of significance to her.

Setting boundaries is great, essential even. But making a genuine effort to understand each other is really important too...Just a different perspective to mull over...

 

[mary1979]

I

It's surprisingly easy for us (all) to say, "I'm the peacemaker...", because I think, when it co...

I love this!

The word boundaries leaves me with a foul taste in my mouth, we aren't dealing with tantruming toddlers, this is 2 adults, and when you are talking about simple difference of opinion, that isnt going to cost the 'losing' party their lives or esteems or anything at all really what is wrong with compromise?
And isn't respecting the opinion of the person you love more important than being right, at least to the point of validating theirs and evaluating if offering yours will help them in anyway or just cause more conflict.

Boundaries in adult relationships are more like 'I will never accept being hit, disrespected in public etc'

Falling back on MI everytime things dont go ones way however, is something I have personal feelings about, if this is the case in every instance I think its a bit of unfair play. Unless the subject matter directly related to my trauma (which I would expect my partner to be mindful of anyway) then id be behaving manipulatively, and it would need to be addressed.