Relationship How To Set Boundaries?

[Sweetpea76]

If I'm understanding the OP correctly, it's his partner that has to be right all the time... To the point that he has to apologize for his opinion.

I've been there with my vet, and that sucks.

When he's stressed, if I don't agree, then he thinks I'm saying he's wrong. If he thinks I'm saying he's wrong, he feels attacked... Then I'm the big mean insensitive bitch who is heaping stress on him when he's already not feeling well. That's where boundaries come in. I know hes stressed. I know he feels attacked, but having a differing opinion is not attacking. If I say a single solitary word in my defense, he'll take it as offense. I refuse to engage in that shit-show. I don't care about "winning", I care about not escalating.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

There is a big difference between having a disagreement with hubby and it turning into a PTSD row.

With the disagreements there is usually a related, known issue that we discuss and deal with. With the PTSD row something will stress him, and he will deliberately pick a fight about anything (last one was about me not wanting to post on Facebook about an evening out with a friend).

They have a very different feel to them, and there is no agreeing with him when PTSD is involved. If I try to accept his point of view, then I'm wrong anyway. He doesn't want agreement, he wants conflict. I don't do conflict, so I just tell him that I love him and to come find me when he's ready to talk. Then I go elsewhere in the house.

In the early days he would follow me, so I started locking myself in the bathroom and playing loud music to drown him out. Then he stopped following, but would still shout after me. Now he just stops and lets me leave the room. He now uses that time to work out what is really bothering him.

When he's ready we can then talk it over, if he wants to. Usually he will apologise and explain that x, y and z has upset him.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am so happy for you @Purplemunchkin good for you.

 

[Lionheart]

I like the fact that my significant other and I can agree to disagree and let it go most of the time. I don't avoid conflict for the sake of temporary peace when I can have full-time peace by keeping an open mind about things that we may dissagree about.

I am the one with PTSD and if I need to, I can help educate her about PTSD and my specific truama issues, so that we have a better understanding of one another,.

As for other issues, If I disagree with her I will say something like, "I don't know what I think or feel about that right now", or "I haven't ever thought of it in that way before", or "I haven't had time to really sort out what I am thinking/feeling", "I repectfully disagree" etc,.

Then I take the time to consider her opinion and point of view, taking into account what I know about my partner. Who knows I may or may not change my mind but, then I can speak my truth and not worry about being judged for it.

It takes two people who are willing to really listen to one another and respect one another points of view, treating one another with understanding, respect and kindness.

If your partner does not want to listen to you and asserts that you are always wrong and she is always right, you may want to reconsider the relationship

It is possibly toxic for you and you might do better to take a break from one another for a short period of time when disagreements pop up, so that each of you has time to cool down and reconsider the other's opinion.

If gently asserting bounderies and showing respect by politely saying that you disagree fails then, it might be time to go to couple's counseling to get some help with the problem.

If nothing I did worked to resolve the situitaion and she maintains that she is always right, no matter what, I think I would seriously have to reconsider if I wanted to remain in that relationship.

I hope something I said is helpful and I apologize if it is not, still, I wish you the very best.

Much peace and happiness for you,

Lionheart777

 

[sun seeker]

I'm going to tentatively pose one possibility that comes to mind. I don't know if this is accurate.

Is your girlfriend's trauma from early childhood? Seeing this through the lens of developmental trauma, might it be possible that she becomes anxious when you two disagree because she equates disagreement with a withdrawal of love? Not saying that is what you're doing, or even necessarily that she is aware of it. But I just wonder. What if you made a point of telling her, "I have a different opinion... AND I still love you." It takes a secure attachment style to be comfortable with differences in a close relationship. Sounds like neither of you have that at this point, but if you are both committed and working on yourselves, you can get there.

 

[anthony]

If we have any difference of opinion I have to be wrong and she has to be right.

Record your conversations and then play them back, together, so both parties can see the issues. If you are correct in your view of this, and she can't accept it still after hearing herself, then bring in an independent third party to listen and provide advice, one who can assess in an unbiased manner.

A boundary you can put in place, without her consent, is that you don't listen and do what you feel is right. You have to weigh importance here and when that is used. She may then complain, however, that invites her towards discussion.