Relationship I Am Now A Trigger For His Ptsd

[RaiAnn]

It took me a while to figure it out but ever since he returned from vacation, he's been accusing me of using phrases and terms that his friends use, and talking just like them, and acting just like them. He lost two friends during the vacation, both the one he traveled with and a mutual friend of theirs.

The friend he was traveling with abandoned him when he got sick and then left the state to come back to our house to move out (he was rooming). I had to be the one to tell my then-fiance that the friendship was over and he'd been left behind in another state by the friend and before the words even came out of my mouth, I knew I was screwed.

So here we are, over a month later, and he and I can barely talk without him misinterpreting everything I say and twisting it into something sinister, something that his friends would have said/thought/felt.

He is FINALLY seeking psych services but I'm at a loss as to what to do.

I want so badly to work things out and am committed to counseling for both him, myself, and hopefully us together at some point but I'm also battling with the very real possibility that he may meet someone else before we are both better and of course she'll seem so much better than me because (at first at least) they won't have to work so hard to get back to where we should be working towards.

He still does little things like send me pics of the dog, or like today he shared a pic of a new (horribly ugly, btw) rug he and his new roomie bought for the livingroom but he is afraid we can't even be in the same room together anymore. He wants to maintain a friendship where we basically have no face-to-face contact because everything I do makes him upset - but it's not my fault!

I'm considering writing him a letter and explaining my feelings and the hope that we can go to counseling together after we've had a couple of sessions individually. I feel like I failed as a future wife because I didn't catch it in time and I allowed my own emotions to show him an insecure scorned girl and not the support that he needed me to be. I should have put this all together a long time ago but I didn't.

 

[Kintsugi]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this.

Here's an article from Anthony that might clarify the role you seem to be playing (as perceived by him): https://www.myptsd.com/threads/stressor-vs-trigger-what-is-a-trigger.13912/

 

[RaiAnn]

So I may be more a stressor. I think maybe asking him if I can go with him to counseling would be beneficial then but I'm not sure if he's going to be okay with that since he's convinced we cannot be in the presence of each other.

 

[NicG]

Hi RaiAnn,

You're right in saying this isn't your fault. Ultimately, whatever is going on in his head are HIS demons that he has to deal with, and it's not your fault that some of the things you say might stress him out. It's not fair on you to be twisting everything you say to something sinister.

You said you "knew you were screwed" when you had to tell him about his friend, what exactly do you mean by that?

I feel like I failed as a future wife because I didn't catch it in time and I allowed my own emotions to show him an insecure scorned girl

I just want to say that this isn't true... You showing your own emotions is NOT a failure, nor is the fact that you feel scorned by how he is behaving... that's completely natural and if you can't show your real emotions, it's definitely not a healthy relationship! SOMETIMES the way he acts might not be his fault, but NONE of it is YOUR fault.

 

[Kintsugi]

From the few posts I've read from you, my feeling is that it is important for you to lay down some ground rules and boundaries for yourself, to protect yourself. I can't say that will make him more likely to return to your company or that it will make him see the error of his ways--what-have-you. I can only say I see someone in a relationship that is being made very difficult by the actions of your partner. Whether or not those actions are a product of PTSD is irrelevant to the importance of protecting yourself and your own interests and well-being.

I tolerate a lot from my partner, who is bipolar, but I could only work so hard and understand so much before I told him my limitations. I have suffered some horrible words from him in the past, and he has told me he's leaving. I just say I love him, I'll be there if he wants to come back. Likewise, when my symptoms were at their worst in our relationship (when I joined this forum), he went on a several-months trip and told me that if nothing changed when he got back, he couldn't do it anymore. It broke my heart. But I accepted that he had limits that were more than reasonable. I was lucky he worked as hard as he did for as long as he did.

 

[RaiAnn]

Hi RaiAnn,

You're right in saying this isn't your fault. Ultimately, whatever is going on in his head are HIS demons that he has to deal with, and it's not your fault that some of the things you say might stress him out. It's not fair on you to be twisting everything you say to something sinister.

You said you "knew you were screwed" when you had to tell him about his friend, what exactly do you mean by that?

I felt like he'd kill the messenger. He also blames me for the cops coming out to do a welfare check when he attacked my car with a bat. I called them and told them not to come, that he had left. He was yelling in the background that he's a veteran with a gun and not afraid to use it. The police contacted the VA who sent the cops back out to do a welfare check. He didn't come out of the house right away, despite me telling him the police were coming just to check on him. Instead he got mad at me and kicked me out of the house. To this day he says I almost got him killed because they had their guns drawn on him. I tell him, no, you almost got yourself killed because you weren't listening to what they were instructing you to do. And it's YOU who was yelling in the background when I was trying to keep them from coming. But that doesn't matter to him. I initiated the call with the police, so everything that happened after that point is my fault. In his mind, I never should have called the police because my car can be fixed and I should have known he wasn't going to hurt me, despite the fact that he was standing outside in broad daylight smacking my car with a bat.

 

[RaiAnn]

From the few posts I've read from you, my feeling is that it is important for you to lay down some ground rules and boundaries for yourself, to protect yourself. I can't say that will make him more likely to return to your company or that it will make him see the error of his ways--what-have-you. I can only say I see someone in a relationship that is being made very difficult by the actions of your partner. Whether or not those actions are a product of PTSD is irrelevant to the importance of protecting yourself and your own interests and well-being.

I've tried. Good example is today. We are supposed to meet up to bury our lizard who was killed on Halloween by my evil kitten. He texted me and said, I have to do this, that, this, that, and then we can go. With details about what he is doing. He thinks we can be friends and that I'm weak for not being able to only be his buddy right now. Keep in mind, we were engaged until September 22nd and living together still until just a couple weeks ago. No, I'm not your buddy and cannot be your buddy. I feel he is oversharing what he is doing on a daily basis. He's also sent me pictures of a new rug he bought for the house and other things he's done to continue the decorating I started. It's like he either has zero consideration for my feelings or is just completely clueless but I feel he knows full well how vulnerable my mental and emotional state is and the more extra info he gives me, the more my mind analyzes. Did some chick pick out that hideous rug? Oh, he's taking a shower. alone? Is he washing some stank off? He just woke up, an hour later than he told me he was going to. Why did he sleep in? What made him so tired? All stuff a grieving ex would start to think, or maybe I am just batshit crazy. I don't know. All I know is that I can't take in any extra info from him because I know where my mind goes, and they aren't places I want it to go and despite repeatedly asking him to keep everything on a strictly need-to-know basis, he continues to pepper any contact with the exact opposite of what I need to know.

 

[NicG]

In his mind, I never should have called the police because my car can be fixed and I should have known he wasn't going to hurt me, despite the fact that he was standing outside in broad daylight smacking my car with a bat.

I'm sorry he's doing these kinds of things to you! The thing is, PTSD or not... that behaviour is not acceptable. That's abusive, and PTSD is NEVER an excuse for abuse. It sounds like a logical link between him hitting the car and hurting you, and it's ridiculous to think you "should have known" he wouldn't turn on you.

despite repeatedly asking him to keep everything on a strictly need-to-know basis, he continues to pepper any contact with the exact opposite of what I need to know.

This is a sign that he doesn't respect whatever boundaries you've set up, which is not okay. He shouldn't expect you to blindly accept his boundaries like having to move out and not see you, and not respect your much simpler ones. Could you possibly just ignore some of the over-the-top messages to get your point across? (Easier said than done, I know)

I'm sorry to say this (and I'm hoping it comes across as gentle) but this all does sound rather familiar. My PTSD was caused by an abusive relationship where I was expected to deal with him screaming, throwing things, randomly disappearing, and to never actually bring it up with him because "I thought you trusted me to never hurt you, how could you betray me like this". Even after he started hurting me, because "I didn't mean it and I already said I'm sorry". Please, PLEASE have a think about your own boundaries and safety. Both deserve to be respected.

 

[RaiAnn]

I'm seeing two different counselors this week. I'm going to approach the idea of him coming for a session because if he does think we can be "friends" he needs to know we aren't going to be Elaine and Jerry, at least not for a few years. This was my most serious relationship to date, though one of the shortest in length. I've never had the key to a guy's house or a ring on my finger or him telling his mom we were planning to get married and have kids. A lot of hopes and dreams crushed. And now I found out he's off his Depakote and if they are giving you 1000ml a night, you really need it.

 

[nursenurse]

Walk. Now. Why you are tolerating this kind of treatment is beyond me, because it does not seem very loving. He is a time bomb, and you do not need to be in his way. Learn from this, take time for yourself, and above all guard your heart and soul. You will get over it in time. Change your contact info so that he cannot get to you. This is harassment, pure and simple.

 

[RaiAnn]

Walk. Now. Why you are tolerating this kind of treatment is beyond me, because it does not seem very loving. He is a time bomb, and you do not need to be in his way. Learn from this, take time for yourself, and above all guard your heart and soul. You will get over it in time. Change your contact info so that he cannot get to you. This is harassment, pure and simple.

Does his behavior really concern you that much? All my friends and family see it the same way but I don't feel like I'm in danger.

 

[nursenurse]

He attacked the car with a bat, he blamed you for calling the cops. You really do not have a clue what he is capable of. Saying he is a veteran with a gun while you are on the phone with the authorities is someone who is totally out of control, and you never know when he will snap at you. You already know how angry he is whenever you open your mouth. I think you are in denial yourself, about how serious his problems are. And that is what happens when you are in a relationship, not necessarily PTSD, with abusive overtones to it. The anger is insidious, and you accept it in increments until something blows. If you compared this to a normal relationship that is stable, you would see just how far you have sunk. By accepting this poor behaviour and continuing on with him as your friend, when you have clearly indicated that you cannot be buddies, is enabling him at the moment to continue and is endangering yourself. You are not enforcing boundaries. Although I do not know, I will bet that he does not continue with his psych. He needs to be left alone to draw his own conclusions, get his own help. He is still angry at you every day. Can you see yourself living this way for the rest of your life, because let me tell you, you will get so tired of it and so beaten down that you will not know which way is up. All the while, your physical and emotional integrity will have been compromised. The very fact that you said it was a very short relationship that went from 0 to 60 in such a short time sends red flags and screams danger. He is not ready for sure, and neither are you. I hope your counselors can help you.