I don’t want to pay this woman to chit chat. what’s she doing?

[Marinna]

Sorry

Why are you apologising? No need to apologise, I don't get it. I used to apologise to everyone as a defence mechanism to deflect abuse. It was ingrained in me. I don't know your trauma history, but apologising to an internet stranger is not nessacary when you have not done or said anything wrong. I hope you can resolve this situation

I have been thinking about this thread a lot. I am by NO means an expert but in psych class a few years back I learned about 'transferance' in therapy.
Your therapist is meant to be a bit of a blank slate, or an enigma at the very least. Some therapists cultivate and discuss something reffered to as 'transferance'. Transferance is when you project something related to another relationship or type of relationship onto another person (not 100% sure if that is right but bare with me).
Your therapist as a mystery figure is more prone for feelings of transferance (especially as you are emotionally vulnerable in their prescence).
Some transferance is erotic (i have fallen for this one), but sometimes something about the relationship or the situation or feelings involved can invoke another type of transferance.
Is it possible you are transfering some of your feelings about a past abuser onto your therapist? If so is it possible that your therapist is trying to break this down by appearing more 'human' to you?

I have to apologise so much for the many assumptions and all the poorly understood psycobabble in this post. Just something that struck me when i reflected on it.

 

[Gs172003]

I have been thinking about this thread a lot. I am by NO means an expert but in psych class a few years...

Not that I'm aware of but that's an interesting thought.

 

[Marinna]

I have to add (sorry mods) that i thought this because of your fear of communicating with your therapist and your view of them as an authority figure. Plus your apology resonated with me.

Not that I'm aware of but that's an interesting thought.

I thought it was interesting in class. (When i wasn't napping lol)

 

[Justmehere]

Zoogal,

You posted another thread recently about another issua that seemed to reflect very trauma based thinking and started giving short apologetic responses for things you didn’t need to apologize about there too. It strikes me that you could be fawning on this thread - and therapy too.

What is fawning? There are 4 types of trauma responses: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. Fawning is when someone appeases others to try to reduce feared threats to safety. (It can happen as a way to cope when we transfer fears about past abusers on to current therapists and others.) Over-apologizing is one way survivors fawn.

It might help to first assess if you are feeling triggered and how grounded you are in this moment now. If you are feeling triggered, it might be more beneficial though to take a step back and ground a bit. That might be what your therapist is trying to do as well. Step back. It’s a skill set in and of itself. Pacing is very important.

I could also be totally off the mark, so feel free to disregard if this isn’t helpful.

 

[Marinna]

Zoogal,

You posted another thread recently about another issua that seemed to reflect very trauma...

Finally. A word for it. Very eloquent post. Hopefully this is helpful for you zoogal x

 

[EveHarrington]

Yeah, fawning can be a bitch to deal with. Out of the four F’s, it’s the hardest one for me to handle and can make me very sick. Blah. I’m going on almost six months of this heightened fawning struggle. It’s not easy!

 

[Stephernovas]

I'll work on it


I'm wondering now if she isn't trying to establish trust because, well, I've bailed on...

You already know the answer. Given this post I’ve skimmed through and etc, if she dove back into the “hard stuff” before you were ready, would you stick around? Given your history, the answer is no. This is the process. It’s unhelpful to sit there and over analyze each session. There was a session not too long ago when my therapist and I did nothing more than play a board game. Why? Because shit was too real and I refused to participate in the intense stuff. She knew I needed a break. Therapists usually don’t do anything without a purpose. If after a few weeks you’re not noticing any progress, then call her out on it. For now, stop finding a reason to not trust her and bail again.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I've finally noticed something with my own therapist, that might be useful to you:

I'm not good at judging how I am doing. If I am still conscious, I assume I am okay. So I push myself beyond what is okay or normal routinely ... it was just always assumed when I was young that no matter how hard I was working, I wasn't working hard enough.

My therapist pulls back into chit-chat sometimes. At first, it really frustrated me. But, I've finally figured out that it is her noticing that I'm getting overwhelmed and heading for dissociation. Pulling back and chit-chatting is what happens when she notices I'm about to switch. It is about grounding. But I didn't notice that for a long time, because I would just keep pushing myself, trying, desperately, to please.

That might be happening. Maybe there is a logic that you don't understand yet?

I've also had (past) therapists who used chit-chat as avoidance, so that they didn't have to really engage with me. On the surface, it is hard to differentiate the two - but my current, engaged therapist shows signs beyond the chit-chat that she is watching, noticing, worrying, engaging.

Hopefully, that is helpful.

 

[MyWillow]

Totally agree @theshadowoftheliving

 

[Freida]

@theshadowoftheliving -- you could have been talking about me in that post! I never know how messed up I am until she points it out.

I will also admit I'm scared to ask her.

There is a good chance she is picking up on your fear and staying with chit chat until you feel more comfortable with her. If she tried to get you into the deep stuff - and you were afraid of her -- it might push you into a shutdown. Maybe you can ask her about what her process is? How does she know when it is time to move from one topic to the next? That way you aren't undermining her authority. You are just asking questions about the therapy process

 

[Gs172003]

Thank you all

 

[Supervixn]

I had a therapist do this too. I later found out she was trying to get me to relax and find a level of comfort and familiarity with her so we could approach the deeper stuff.. it also got on my nerves until I understood she had a purpose behind it