Intrusive or justified advice about parenting?

[PreciousChild]

I find this comment confusing. So if the son of your BF is always so good when you have him on the weekends and the majority of the problems are when he is with the ex, who is the major problem as a parent then when are you seeing these disturbing behaviours?

I see your point. I'm still on a learning curve, so I get confused too. When we're together, his son is well behaved and cooperative. But at the same time, I'll find out that he habitually lies and that he gets into trouble, etc.

I'm not going to defend my point of view about who is the culprit anymore. If what I've said about my concerns for his ex isn't convincing, then I don't think there is anything more I could say. But I do have to acknowledge that I'm extremely biased here and that my bf is not perfect either, so there's plenty of responsibility to go around. But I am sometimes around when his ex calls, and omg she is at least partly responsible, I'm very clear about that.

He's thirteen so telling lies (and I'm sure it's not all of the time) is unfortunately what happens sometimes.

^Maneuvering around or avoiding unacceptable feelings is something we all do. He's young and he's dealing with a lot of feelings about heaps of stuff.

Yeah? I hope so. My son and nephews didn't lie habitually and much at all at 13. I guess maneuvering around feelings is not that unusual.

hopefully you will all look back when he is an adult and be amazed that you came through it. And also you will have a great young man calling around to see you both, when he has time and feels like it.

What a nice thought! That puts things into perspective. It crystallizes for me the importance of maintaining a good relationship.

 

[ms spock]

I see your point. I'm still on a learning curve, so I get confused too. When we're together, his son is well behaved and cooperative. But at the same time, I'll find out that he habitually lies and that he gets into trouble, etc.

That's a nuanced understanding. I understand a bit more.

So perhaps look at primary sources and secondary sources, like when you explore history. Primary sources being what you see yourself and secondary sources being what you are told.

I'm not going to defend my point of view about who is the culprit anymore. If what I've said about my concerns for his ex isn't convincing, then I don't think there is anything more I could say. But I do have to acknowledge that I'm extremely biased here and that my bf is not perfect either, so there's plenty of responsibility to go around. But I am sometimes around when his ex calls, and omg she is at least partly responsible, I'm very clear about that.

She is absolutely partly responsible. I do believe you. I am not saying what you are saying is not correct. I am just challenging what I read as a scapegoating undercurrent, and bf seems to be playing the victim a bit and whilst he is focusing your and his attention on his ex (who I 100% agree is a serious part of very worrying situation for this young person) he is not examining his contribution to the situation. And because you care so much you seem likely to be the one to pick up the slack. You are very honest that you are extremely biased. I am also really biased in a whole range of situations. That's human. But focusing on what the ex is doing wrong is not focusing on what he has/is doing wrong as well. He is 50% of the equation as well. And from my reading it you seem to be giving him a pass on most stuff and that doesn't help him or the kid. On the other hand you can't confront him on his issues because they are his issues and he will or won't deal with it in his own way. You have to take care of yourself, and maybe think when he's talking about his ex what would be a more productive use of this time and energy to have this conversation? How is this helping the kid? The kid is number one before you, the BF or the EX. And the ex can be 90% the problem but all the character assassination in the world is not going to assist. What's proactive?

It's okay if your bf is not wanting to give up his work to be with his kid but that is his choice. He has to own that, though. This victim stuff is just another way of not taking responsibility. That will bleed out to other arenas of not taking responsibility.

The 24 hour grind with a kid is different than being the fun weekend parents, so there's a lot still unknown about the situation.

We are only ever as good as the people in our world that challenge us. You put up a thread which is really interesting. That is teasing a lot of complex factors apart. I could be right in what I say and I could also be wrong.

 

[PreciousChild]

That's a nuanced understanding. I understand a bit more.

So perhaps look at primary sources and secondary sources, like when you explore history. Primary sources being what you see yourself and secondary sources being what you are told.


She is absolutely partly responsible. I do believe you. I am not saying what you are saying is not correct. I am just challenging what I read as a scapegoating undercurrent, and bf seems to be playing the victim a bit and whilst he is focusing your and his attention on his ex (who I 100% agree is a serious part of very worrying situation for this young person) he is not examining his contribution to the situation. And because you care so much you seem likely to be the one to pick up the slack. You are very honest that you are extremely biased. I am also really biased in a whole range of situations. That's human. But focusing on what the ex is doing wrong is not focusing on what he has/is doing wrong as well. He is 50% of the equation as well. And from my reading it you seem to be giving him a pass on most stuff and that doesn't help him or the kid. On the other hand you can't confront him on his issues because they are his issues and he will or won't deal with it in his own way. You have to take care of yourself, and maybe think when he's talking about his ex what would be a more productive use of this time and energy to have this conversation? How is this helping the kid? The kid is number one before you, the BF or the EX. And the ex can be 90% the problem but all the character assassination in the world is not going to assist. What's proactive?

It's okay if your bf is not wanting to give up his work to be with his kid but that is his choice. He has to own that, though. This victim stuff is just another way of not taking responsibility. That will bleed out to other arenas of not taking responsibility.

The 24 hour grind with a kid is different than being the fun weekend parents, so there's a lot still unknown about the situation.

We are only ever as good as the people in our world that challenge us. You put up a thread which is really interesting. That is teasing a lot of complex factors apart. I could be right in what I say and I could also be wrong.

Thanks @ms spock. I understand your concern, but I don't think he's scapegoating. In fact, he has historically done the opposite - he didn't want to be "that ex" who always complained about their exes. He didn't respect or appreciate men at work who would bash their exes. But I think his fear of scapegoating his ex has lead him to overlook a lot. No matter how unreasonable the punishments or her complaints about their son, he would go along to appear unified. Only more recently, he's wondered if he should take a more honest assessment. He's coming to the realization that seeing things for what they are is not equivalent to scapegoating her. I think it's important to take an honest look at what is going on. He understands his limits and says that despite it all, he can't control her; he can only change his own parenting.

I think that's about as much as I want to defend my bf against assumptions.

 

[blackemerald1]

He understands his limits and says that despite it all, he can't control her; he can only change his own parenting.

^But imo that's all any parent and ex can do. Anything else is really a flight of fantasy and sure to create hostility with his ex and anxiety for your bf.

 

[Justmehere]

Let’s just say the mom is awful and not parenting well, and the administration is being too harsh. The BF is right on target with his perspective and you have the right input on how to parent.

What can your input actually change? What do you need to accept that can’t be changed? I don’t actually know, but it might be worth considering. You would know best on these things.

I think it might also be worth considering what would be the most helpful change that could happen now if it turns out that down the road the relationship with you and boyfriend didn’t work out.

You mentioned his time being maxed out and the time with you being more limited than maybe both of you would like (if I am summarizing correctly).

It might be more beneficial for the child for his dad to be connected with a therapist that is working with the mom and son rather than using the limited time with his girlfriend to be stepping in as occasional parenting coach. If the relationship between you and him doesn’t work out, it’s going to help him a lot if he’s got a therapist on board he can talk to about things. It also sets a good role model for his son. But right now, he can more easily avoid counseling because you’ll give the input.

I have no doubt he is doing the best he can and could use some support. Right now, others are recommending professional support. I hear you want to help as well. It may not be the right timing yet to step in. And frankly, with the mom and the school being as difficult as you describe, it may help a lot for him to be able to use the therapist recommendations with school and in agreements with the mother. The therapist may be able to equip and empower him far more than you are able to do so right now. Letting him take his internal drive for advice to therapy instead of you might help everyone’s needs get met more effectively.