Relationship Is Texting Really Considered A "relationship"?

[Prettysmile]

I hate texting! OMG. I didnt start texting until after my ex fiance and I broke up. We were together for 9yrs. When we started dating in 1998 texting wasnt so popular. During our relationships we never ever text. Once I got back out on the dating scene at age 26, I notice that this was the new trend I guess. I find it as a sign of I am not that into if you meet a guy and you exchange numbers and the inital conversation is started with a text and not a phone call! Its very impersonal to me in my opinion.

On another note. I have heard married couples state that texting have save their marriage. They claim that it avoids them arguing over the phone and that with texting you get straight to the point. I dont agree but what ever works for the individual.

Since I'm now in a relationship with someone who suffers from combat PTSD, I do find texting to be helpful. There are days when he doesnt feel like talking but he will respond to a short text to let me know he is okay or alive because when he doesnt feel like talking he is obviously not okay. Then there is days when he wont text back at all and thats when I know okay time to give him space. So I guess I use the textig as a guard gate. Depending on how he responds to a text i can read his mood for that day when we arent together. However, He is not a text fanatic. If I text him and he is having a good streak he will not text back he always calls back. So in some instances texting is okay. But I agee army bratt Somethings such breaking up, marriage propsals anything significant shouldnt be sent via text or email and needs to be discussed in person or atleast over the phone.

 

[Army_Brat_88]

If I text him and he is having a good streak he will not text back he always calls back

That's the key right there - they will call to talk. Exactly! :) That's been my point in this thread. If they can not seem to verbally communicate, then just leave it be. I just don't want us to excuse anything. You bring up a good point - if there wasn't any ability to text, there sure as hell would be a LOT more head scratching saying "I have no idea what's going on or where he is".

 

[LoyalOne]

I do like texting for that reason. Sometimes he doesn't want to answer the phone, but feels he can manage a 'good morning sunshine' over text. When he is really excited about something, I'll get a text asking me to call him.

 

[Dagon2000]

Texting is a cop out IMO. Yes, it is very easy to avoid confrontation by doing it but frankly, confrontation is a good thing. I tried to explain this to my wife who grew up in an abusive household where confrontation meant she lost control over the situation and received a solid beating. In the real, sane world, an argument does not have to be a negative thing. People will say alot of things that need to be said and somethings that don't need to be said; but an argument held by reasonable adults shouldn't result in physical abuse or long-term hurt feelings or grudges. If my wife says something particularly hurtful during an argument, I know that tomorrow or the day after, we will talk about it and I'll express what she said that hurt my feelings and why it hurt my feelings. She'll probably relate some similar story to me about something I said that hurt her. In the end, we'll apologize to one another and talk more deeply and rationally about those things that came out in the argument.

This is a difficult concept for my wife to understand so I try to point it out to her as these situations arise. Point being, if we opted to text one another - number 1, I'd probably throw my phone away because I just hate texting in general. 2, we would never get into the real meat & potatoes about what is bothering us. 3, we wouldn't learn to relate with one another face-to-face like any couple should, even in the not-so-nice situations.

To contrast my wife's childhood environment, I reassure her that whenever we argue I'm not going to physically hurt her and I let her know through my words and through my actions that what she says is relevant and she has a certain degree of control over the situation (listen, acknowledge, respond). While this is still hard for her and we don't argue daily or even weekly, she is getting better with acknowledging it is a temporary situation when we do argue and that while she may be angry or upset, it doesn't need to make her uncomfortable to be in that situation.

I would propose an alternative for those who text which is to write (not type) a letter to your significant other. Give it to that individual in person and ask that he/she read it and let that person know before hand that you'd like to discuss the contents of the letter at a designated time. This is how I started to get my wife to open up more to me and to have some of the discussions we really needed to have. She would read the letter and I'd give her some time to digest it. Once our son was in bed for the night, we'd sit at the table, maybe have a snack and drink and talk about it. Gradually she started writing me letters on occasion too and we would then discuss them later. We don't write the letters anymore, not often anyhow, but I have definitely seen changes in my wife's ability to speak to me directly.

Some of the keys to this I believe are giving the letter directly to the person rather than leaving it in a conspicuous place; letting the person know your intentions for later discussing the contents in-person; and following through. Now some of you may say - "what is the difference between that and texting?". First off, in a text you can only say so much before you run out of room. You send a one line text and the person on the receiving end reads it and takes what you are saying the wrong way because you weren't able to elaborate. That person responds with negativity...you may respond with negativity...and through all of it, as was the case with the initial text in this example, no one is really able to get their point across because there just is limitations to what you can put in one text. Words are very delicate things and can have many different meanings if not used in the correct context. In order to get the correct context, especially in relationships, you will often need to elaborate a lot. Think about posts you may have put on this website about your situation...how much did you have to elaborate to really get the point across? Could you do that in a text mesage?

Anyway - I hope this makes sense, please let me know if it doesn't. Thanks!

-D

 

[Srain]

I think that texting is okay to BEGIN but I, too, think there has to be more involvement. If a person can text, then a call might be made right after to continue.

Why I am saying this is because I text to my husband when we dated long distance for a year and we called but nothing was anything like in person. It just wasn't the same. I know this with my relationship with my Son as well, we text, call, and I try to get out to see him in person at least once a year. Each is different, each is on a different level, in person requires me to be the most open and 'engage'.

You send a one line text and the person on the receiving end reads it and takes what you are saying the wrong
way because you weren't able to elaborate. That person responds with negativity...you may respond with negativity...and through all of it, as was the case with the initial text in this example, no one is really able to get their point across because there just is limitations to what you can put in one text.

This, without a doubt, is the BIGGEST issue we have going with texting. It is soooo easy for ME to think that I have said the wrong thing so then I don't want to talk or text or anything, I consumed with what I have done wrong and paralyzed. Of course it's different with each person but food for thought.

I hope this helps,
peace,
Rain

 

[Navy Spouse]

I like using the good old fashion phone, if things can't be said in person. I want to know if I said something to upset my husband without meaning to. That gives me the opportunity rephrase what I said, so it's made clear before the conversation ends that we're OK.

It would drive me crazy to text something and then wonder if the lack of response was due to him just not feeling like responding or if he took what I said wrong. Misunderstandings that go left unresolved because of lack of contact are going to be more damaging to a relationship.

 

[Aunt Flo]

I received a text last night:

'I need to end this for my mental health, I'll ring you later'

WTF??? We have spent time doing things together over the past month and only this weekend he told me he has never loved anyone the way he loves me and I am everything he has ever wanted in a woman. Then the following day he was irritable, verbally critical of me and I took it all without question as I know its part of the PTSD. He then asked me to leave the following day and he would ring me. He had an appointment with his T yesterday and then sent me the text! I'm confused and don't know if this is genuinely the end, or another one of his outbursts.

I don't know whether to send him an email to explain that he needs to help me understand etc., or whether I should wait and see what happens. Any advice is gratefully received.

 

[Army_Brat_88]

Flo - it's painful, and you're allowed to feel hurt and confused by everything, but he's not ready obviously. His emotions are all over the place, so stability just isn't there - yet. You can send him that email if you want to get it all out of your system, but don't be surprised if he doesn't respond to it. You need to decide if you're going to put your life on hold and wait for him, or move on regardless of the pain. Go with what's inside you, not what you read on here from all of us.

 

[JS786]

he told me he has never loved anyone the way he loves me and I am everything he has ever wanted in a woman.

Ugh, I've heard that one before, Flo, and then I got the old "I just can't be in a serious relationship right now." I am completely sympathetic, I can't even say "I can't imagine how you're feeling," but God do I know all too well. Its frustration, confusion... ((flo))

But I agree with Army, if you feel like you need to email him, go for it, but I would go into it assuming you won't hear back from him immediately, if at all.

 

[Army_Brat_88]

he told me he has never loved anyone the way he loves me and I am everything he has ever wanted in a woman.

I SWEAR THAT'S IN THE MILITARY HANDBOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :mad: They are forced to read and memorize it because every damned one of us have gotten that same damned line!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

 

[LoyalOne]

It's funny, isn't it, how something you think is someone's funny personality turns out to be nearly a cookie cutter presentation of an illness? Stuff that Sgt feels alone in the world about, my husband (graduated with a degree in Psych and was a social worker for a while) will ask me casually about; 'Oh, does he do this, does he do that? Yup. That's the PTSD talking.' It's so weird.

 

[JS786]

Army - I shouldnt have laughed at that, but it's true. We've all gotten it. :roflmao:

Ex used to call me the love of his life, there was nothing that could stop him from loving me, he was with the woman he wanted to be with blahblahblah. I believe, at that moment, they truly mean it. Or at least... I hope they do... hah. But maybe there's some kind of disconnect between brain and heart? I have no idea.