My Therapist Wants To Talk This Morning...

[Nighthawk]

Im sorry you are going through this. I want you to be safe. Whatever that takes.

Sending you a big :hug: if youll accept

 

[joeylittle]

Oh my, @Justmehere - that is just horrendous. I am so sorry to hear about the utterly unhelpful insurance/hospital situation.

I'd suggest looking into Dead Link Removed as well. I've never been through their system but have heard really good things.

Don't give up. One minute at a time. What can you do to try and distract from the SI urges?

 

[Born to Run]

Very very sorry to read what you are writing. I feel for you and your situation. I wholeheartedly hope there will be a better solution than waiting 4-6 weeks, as that does not make sense in the situation you are in. I send you strength and support.

 

[desiderata310]

@Justmehere I've been trying to dig my way out of my own head and haven't been much help to anyone here. I'm so sorry.
I know where you're at.
Don't give up. I know the SH urge. My therapist pointed out that it's me keeping myself alive. It's a coping mechanism- a shitty one but it's last ditch. I get that.

Do what you have to do. It's shitty but it's working. Someone else pointed out that your stress cup is full. It's easy to forget that the stress cup has such an impact. I forget. Even while someone is pointing it out to me, I forget.

Talk here. Keep talking. Keep in touch with your therapist. It's going to work out.
I wish I had more but for whatever I am worth I here.

 

[Friday]

You don't need an attorney... That's the social worker's job (part of it) at the hospital. If your therapist can get in touch with the hospitals... The social workers there can twist the arms of the insurance carrier for the legal timeframe to approve/deny. Not your job to do it. They can & will.

The most you may have to do is sign a medical release that allows them to talk to your therapist.

 

[Justmehere]

Thank you again. I'm typing this through a lot of tears so please forgive me for not being more coherent. Your words mean so much. I can't explain. It's like I read here and I think maybe I'm not alone. Maybe I can pull through, maybe there is another way through...

I told my therapist how bad things are. Yes, again. I told her again. Flat out. Something in me shifted. I told her I don't want to fix it anymore. I am done. I am a compulsive fixer at times (in case that is not already painfully obvious) ... but this was different. I told her I wanted to die. I did. I still do. (but I won't take my own life.) I am in a place where I want to lie down and just stop breathing. She asked to call me. "Maybe it would help." I texted "no. I am done. I am too much and there is nothing you can do." Then I freaked. I then realized she could something like she was going to call the police... so I started to leave so I could not be found. Yep. I actually started to do that. I stopped.

She asked to call me again, said she wanted to. Something in me shifted even more. I told her I could listen, but not talk. She called and the only thing I said for the first 10 minutes was "please don't try to fix me right now." She never does try to "fix" me... But I said it anyhow. For a long time, I just cried. She just listened. She didn't talk except to say "I'm here." and "I'm not going to fix. Just like you asked." She said she wanted to be with me while I felt the worst of so much grief.

I cried. She stayed on the phone for a long time. I'm still crying. Apparently, my therapist expected this would happen. She thought I would have to feel more safe before I would let myself feel whatever this is...

In the end, she is going to call people tonight/tomorrow and raise a stink. For now, I don't really want to cry, but for the first time in my life, I don't want to hold back the tears. I want to sit here and not fix the tears.

My therapist says this is good. She might be the worst therapist ever. Or the best.

 

[desiderata310]

The best is my vote.
They seem to know, (the good ones) kind of where we are, don't they?
My Therapist seems to know where I am as well. Two weeks ago he looked me dead in the eye- even though I had not said as much- and said, 'you know I just can't let you kill yourself, right?' He also knew when to trust me that I would keep my promise.

You've got one of the good ones from what I've seen in your writing.
Sounds like something happened and it's not bad..
hang with us.

 

[Chava]

Hang in there....so sorry it's so hard right now. I've been through major lows where I told my therapist I was quitting because in my head I was sure she was quitting me too....was really hard to hang in through that, but being able to stick in through that was a big milestone in itself. I do understand the challenges of being "in it" so much that's hard to see what you are actually "in". For me it is a sort of "all time"....past, present, future all get globbed together. It's really hard to explain in words, but my therapist helped me see this. When I'm "in" it can be very challenging. I feel immobilized.

Damn-it the insurance stuff sucks so badly sometimes. Please let your therapist help you and help advocate for you. And like others said, anything you can do to safely distract yourself. It's hard to find new skills when really down...sometimes I have to get super creative and do some crazy things...rip some stuff apart and throw it into the hallway just to get it out there and "see" the chaos. It's been weird some days. If you can let yourself cry, that is very good. Probably your therapist is right on some of this...but it's so hard to feel like we're getting "better" when it hurts so much. It sounds very compassionate and strong that you can cry and not fix the tears.

 

[ButterflyBean]

@Justmehere, even though you may not see it right now, you are so strong and brave! For recognizing where you are and for asking for help. You've already completed the two hardest steps. I'm proud of you for letting your therapist call you and letting her be there while you cried. That is huge and something I am still working on.

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I can't imagine what you must be going through. However, I am glad you have such a supportive therapist, and I'm just wondering when you actually get to see her in the office? Can you make an emergency appointment? Sometimes there are no words; we just need a hug or a shoulder to cry on. I can certainly send you my support and a virtual hug, but nothing replaces a real one when we are in our darkest times. Keep posting if it helps, and be gentle with yourself. I am thinking of you!

 

[Nighthawk]

I am so impressed that not only do you have a great therapist but that you allowed her to be with you. I don't think my T would do this for me. It is such an aweful place I relate to the way you are feeling. I wish I knew how to help. When I am where you are I look for just 1 good thing.. It can be the smalest thing. I try focos on things I at least like like flowers and puppys and kittens.

I am here along with others I hope you can find evenone moment of comfort knowing you are not alone.

Anouther big :hug: with lots of hope for some comfort.

 

[scout86]

I was glad to see, this AM, that you're still talking to your T. And glad she's a good one. I was kind of scared to say anything yesterday, because I was sure it was going to be "wrong". (Which is my own issue, actually.)

The only thing that seems to me that needs "fixing" is what ever is causing the pain. YOU are pretty cool. Hang in there. We all, selfishly, want you around.

 

[Rumors]

I think she sounds pretty great. As hard as it is, I think you need to let her help you. Someone who calls and sits on the phone and listens to you cry obviously cares what happens to you and doesn't want you to be alone. I am really proud of you for letting her call and help you through that.
Please don't hurt yourself today. You are worthy of so much more. Sending good thoughts and hugs your way.