thanks - I'm actually not sure how to take in the care for me right now. It means the world to me. Things got better and my insurance also approved admission for next Monday. Tonight is awful.
I needed to get a small matter taken care of before I went. I wear braces on my feet. Most people have no idea unless they see me in shorts (rare). With them, I run half marathons without a problem. I just did one a few months ago. Without them, I can't walk. I can't stand. Not even to take a shower. Something minor broke with one of them. The orthoist clinic fit me in, knowing I had to go out of town. They broke them to the point of being beyond repair. When they showed me, I went into a panic and said, very panick, "no no no this has to be fixed no no no...." They told me it may take 2 weeks to get them fixed. I can't go to the PTSD treatment program until they are fixed. The normal orthoist came and YELLED at me. Yelled. His employee also joined in. Something about some unpaid bill from 2 years ago. I told them I had no idea the claim had been denied. They said they never sent it. I told them give me the amount and I will write a check right now. They didn't give me the bill but screamed at me that "I hate your feet. I hate making these. You need to know that." He had said this before, but in a joking way. Or so I thought. I just brushed it off, as this is the only clinic in my town that does this. He was jovial. He was so angry today, and his employee jumped in.
They yelled so much another patient came to ask me if I needed help. I told him at one point, "I'm triggered and really feeling scared, please sit down and talk through this with me calmly." and "I will pay whatever is owed." I was proud of myself for a 1/2 second for saying this. He just went off, "I will not sit down..." I dissociated. Then I think I had a flashback... I came out of it sobbing and self injuring, and the guy seemed like he was laughing. I think maybe we were both scared of how badly I was now falling apart? It was bad.
He told me to reschedule for Wednesday. I just lost it and was sobbing all over again. My doctor was trying to get his admission date moved up to Wednesday. All I could think was that I couldn't get on the plane, I have to stay here and make the angry man happy so he doesn't hurt me. Uh, yeah. Really. I was regressing in my thought patterns.
My mother is somehow an emergency contact there from 14 years ago and he called her, and apparently told her some very "unprofessional" and "derogatory" comments. If my MOTHER says that, holy cow. She is asking how she can help so I can still go to treatment. My mother.
I feel like a fool. How could I have let someone like this into my life?
I feel like I can trust no one.
After all this, my therapist called at a previously scheduled check in time to see how I was doing. I told her what happened. I am home and my doctor just called for a wheelchair to be picked up tomorrow. I live on the second floor. I don't need that...
I can't even get my head around any of this. I just need a stupid piece of plastic and I'm fine.
I'm having flashbacks of my family growing up. Yelling at me for needing braces on my feet. I've had to wear these since I was two. I keep hearing my father's voice. I keep feeling body memories of physical abuse. I'm a complete mess. I have a fever on top of everything else.
My therapist is worried. Flat out worried. Really really worried about me.
My head is in a whirlpool. I'm trying to find what way is up and to not lose hope. My therapist said I'm reenacting trauma...
