Reality Checks Needed - tenant situation

[DharmaGirl]

My heart is with you, @Muttly.

 

[Changing4Best]

@Muttly You are NOT a bad person for wanting your own space back under your control. Whether she is bad or not is not the issue here. The issue seems to be right now that you are a good hearted soul, who has had a bad situation on your hands for awhile and you are being pushed to the limits of your kindness. I'd trust your T and hand the eviction notice to her. You need to trust that your T knows what to do and how to handle this situation, because you are being blinded by it. Good luck and keep us posted!

 

[DharmaGirl]

I paid a friend a dollar to serve the notice. I gave him a receipt so it would be legal. Maybe have someone else do it? Also, I was thinking that if you have trouble setting boundaries, as I do, I think people get the idea that you don't mind. She may think it's all ok. We love you, @Muttly.

 

[Friday]

I think what T was saying is that even if it's not intentional, someone can still take advantage of another person?

Try thinking of it this way... do you have the same :eek: EEK! No! But what if??? :eek: response to:

Taking advantage of an opportunity?

Say you won a scholarship. You take advantage of that opportunity. Is that wrong? Of course not. But at the end of the year, if you keep taking the money (by force, guile, blackmail, etc.) THEN you’d be in the wrong.

Say you were offered a job. You take advantage of that opportunity. You’re then fired, but your boss is too afraid of confrontation to send you home, although you keep getting notices that you’re fired and are no longer an employee. So you keep showing up and keep getting paid, taking advantage of your boss’s timidity. THEN you’d be in the wrong.

You’ve offered someone the opportunity for free rent, free water & power, free help, free parts, etc.. That’s not wrong. You’re free to offer whatever you please, for as long as you please. Which also means you’re free to stop offering it. Like a scholarship that only lasts for 12 months, doesn’t mean the scholarship committee is wrong for not continuing to pay for 13 or 300 months, right? Like a job can lay you off (because they can’t employ you, a them thing) or fire you (because you did something wrong, a you thing). They’re not morally required to keep offering you a job forever and always, just because they offered it to you 5 months or 50 years ago. They can end the opportunity of employment at will. Just like you can end the offer of free rent, power, etc. when you choose.

She’s not in the wrong until you stop offering what you can’t or don’t want to give AND she keeps taking it anyway.

The whole saying “no” gives someone else a choice to stop. Most people do. They don’t take a gun down to the scholarship committee, or just keep showing up at work after having been fired.

Once you’ve said no, they’re in the wrong.

Until you’ve said no? You don’t find out whether or not they’ll agree to stop, negotiate, or do whatever they want regardless of you.

- Not saying no to protect them from having to choose? Is a massive control freak thing (been there, done that).
- Not saying no because you’re afraid of what they might choose? Never gives them the opportunity to be decent and normal.

If you’ve already said no?
She’s not taking advantage of an opportunity.
She’s taking advantage of you.
And SHE is in the wrong.

 

[Muttly]

I really appreciate all the feedback folks have given me. It helped me see the situation clearer. I also had to sort out some tangles in my head around my mom and the dad. She reminds me of my mom in too many ways and her dynamic with her boyfriend reminds me of my mom's relationship with the dad. BUT, this is not then and she is not any of those people.

I gave her notice today. I haven't looked at her response. I am sick and had an intense therapy session so I'm giving myself some time to breath and not stress about what she says. My guess is she will suddenly come up with some money and talk about all the crap she's dealing with and how she can't move the trailer because of some repair type issue. Of course I could be all wrong but I want to sort of prepare for a guilt attack because that's the easiest way for me to stay stuck in this situation.

 

[Friday]

Yay Team Muttly! Woohoo! Good on! :tup:

Repeat after me for guilt trippy negotiations practice...

“I’m so sorry, but that just won’t work.”

 

[Muttly]

"I'm sorry, but that just won't work."
"I'm sorry but that just won't work"
"I understand, but it no longer works to have you here."
"I know you have a lot going on. Did you ever connect with the support services at the food bank?" or maybe that's not such a good one.

Ok, now I sort of feel like I should go read her reply

 

[Friday]

Exactly... you can vary it 40 different ways, but it always maintains the hard line.

I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I hear you, I understand, I know it’s been hard
BUT
That just won’t work, it’s not a viable solution, it’s not something I can do, I’m not the person to work out a payment schedule with anymore, it no longer works to have the trailer here, I’ve already done everything I can do, it’s long past what we agreed on.

 

[blackemerald1]

Yes! @Muttly!! Very proud of you. I know it's not easy at all. But just stick to the script Friday suggested and that should work. :)

 

[Sideways]

Broken record approach. Compassionate, but firm.

“I hear you, but that just won’t work.” As many times as you need.

You got this. And you got the team here behind you cheering you on:)

 

[scout86]

It gets easier with practice! (Really it does.) That bit about sorting the past from the present is awfully important too. :)

 

[Muttly]

Ok, her response is super long and rambling. She says she will move and she understands. Then there's lots about why she's so broke and all the things going wrong in her life. Then she talks about how great I am. Then she says she will pay me the back rent. She says she had just gathered some stuff from storage and planned to pay me a couple hundred in the next two days. And that she has a friend bringing a log splitter over so I can have more split wood. That that's how her life goes, she is always a a day late and a dollar short.

How the heck do I respond to all that?