Sexual Assault Unsure how to define this - 2 years of um coerced sex

[grit]

It was not my intention to argue and am sorry it came out like that. I truly wish you well.
Take care.

 

[Chris-duck]

So one thing right off the top of my head was to take into account the WHOLE picture. What else was going on at that time?

Heh yeahh. After one particularly bad eh, argument with dad I ran away to England in the middle of the night. Moved in with a friend, she got a girlfriend a few months later and her gf didn't want another girl there (I'm straight, but whatevs). So I kinda cut contact with them, ended up homeless, dad was gonna come to England but still thought I lived at theirs so gave them a heads up, they (possibly understandably) were like "um, f*ck no", so we went to police (Which he found out about cos obv got questioned, and they f*cked some stuff up, which ruled out coming home as a thing). That all was a bit of a mess, ended up in a hostel, knew basically nobody, lost my hostel space if I got a job so couldn't save up to get other places easily.. Met H, etc.
Yeah, a bit of a messy period of my life..

Mad at yourself... ya so was I... but to volunteer to put yourself through a grinder for it indefinitely???? Naaawwwwww. That's maladaptive self harm basically and a cognitive distortion cuz it's disproportionate and irrational... way skewed

Yeah, fair. I kind of get that it is, and that my options weren't that great. I get how in most situations those choices wouldn't have lead to what they did lead to, I've met plenty of people, gone with friends to loads of houses and it's been fine, so I know it's not logical to beat myself up for the one time it wasn't. I think part of it is control and not wanting people to be able to act without me doing *something* to cause it, and partly trying to understand where it went wrong. I know it doesn't justify anything that went on after, I dunno, my brain is a stubborn ass I guess.

Recovery that involves feeling safe or denial of infrastructure failure/ societal problems is not something I can consider

Hm, I guess it depends on what you consider "feeling safe". I tend to not feel safe, and I'm pretty ambivalent on whether I even consider that a problem. To get around it to work with Ts I just go with "safe enough", I know the likely way they'll react to stuff, I know the laws they're bound by, most Ts follow those rules (Obviously there are exceptions but hey), then if they do something like break confidentiality (In my case probably speaking to social work or law enforcement about this particular thing due to the likelihood it's still happening and the amount of times I've been asked if I'm suuuure I don't want to report it), so I already know if they did do that, how I'd handle it. So that's the whole issue with safety all neatly packed away in a box so I know "they probably won't f*ck me over, if they do, this is the most likely way they'll do it and why, so I'll do this", leaves way more space to actually deal with the other crap going on.
I'm not sure it's the *healthiest* way of feeling safe in recovery :p but if they just kept repeating that I'm safe and trying to work out ways for me to feel safe, we would get literally nowhere cos my brain doesn't consider safety a definite *thing*. So "probably safe but if not, what's the worst, realistically, they can do?" works for me :p

I am inspired by this grace

Thanks.

I still find it hard to feel anger for my perps, but their friends ..., unfairly, is where my anger lands.

Yeah, I hate the guys, and have done since it was all going on. But was way more mad at some of the older women, cos yeahh.

It was not my intention to argue and am sorry it came out like that. I truly wish you well.
Take care

Nah, you're fine :) Like I said, just a misunderstanding, we're good.

 

[Freida]

I think part of it is control and not wanting people to be able to act without me doing *something* to cause it, and partly trying to understand where it went wrong.

The Holy Grail of PTSD...how do we admit that we were...gasp...helpless.

Don't ask me...just writing that makes me want to puke :(

 

[Mee]

The Holy Grail of PTSD...how do we admit that we were...gasp...helpless.

Don't ask me...just writing that makes me want to puke :(

My last assault was coercive. My adult ones. And earlier childhood ones.

I think for me coercive experiences are worse because of this ‘shoulda, woulda, coulda’ idea but the truth is limbic systems do what they do for a reason. It’s not that we were wrong it’s that our culture in not understanding the freeze, fawn reaction is ignorant and afraid to address some other failings we hold . That WE still believe this to beat ourselves up with when we have experienced it first hand shows how powerful the culture of refusal to accept the science that challenges the status quo is.

 

[Teasel]

Grateful to everyone that's contributed to this thread. There's some experiences I don't touch with a barge pole that are like these mentioned. And I know they do and did leave me feeling the most shame. So yeah, I'm not going there just now, but grateful for you all sharing anyhow, really helps.
Ta :)

 

[Chris-duck]

The Holy Grail of PTSD...how do we admit that we were...gasp...helpless.

:laugh: eh we don't? We spend weeks on the internet arguing the opposite point ;)
Naw but actual, don't look at me, I'm still preeetttyy convinced I musta f*cked up somewhere :P

Don't ask me...just writing that makes me want to puke :(

Ugh I feel ya :hug:

but the truth is limbic systems do what they do for a reason.

Yeah. People just react differently to stuff, even with a chance to think it through, people can live with different things. Plus it's not as black and white as "I fight" or "I fawn", everyone works their way through all the options I'd say if forced into whatever situation until something works. It's just a matter of the order which is personality/past experiences and a bunch of other stuff. Not a judgement on a person.
Plus I'm not sure that how you reacted defines what the situation was? Like the other people's actions were the same regardless of how your body/brain reacted.

Yah, it's okay. I always keep my hypocrite hat handy for moments like this ?

So yeah, I'm not going there just now, but grateful for you all sharing anyhow, really helps.
Ta :)

Glad something in it was helpful for ya :) take it easy

 

[Sideways]

Plus I'm not sure that how you reacted defines what the situation was?

It doesn’t.

And there’s a whole tonne of stuff attached to that statement, which I haven’t figured out yet.

ETA No, wait - assessing the situation based on how you reacted = victim blaming...?

 

[Mee]

It doesn’t.

And there’s a whole tonne of stuff attached to that statement, which I haven’t figured out yet.

ETA No, wait - assessing the situation based on how you reacted = victim blaming...?

YES, YES

 

[Chris-duck]

I've decided I'm gonna meet H in October. I'm stressing because I dont want her to know I care about it? Even though she knows, and also cares. Like not wanting to discuss it makes it worth not discussing. And my brain is kind of screaming at me that it's just normal life, like not a life I have now. But not the *trauma* people say it is. I'm trying to rein myself in. Like yah, it mattered, H gets whether you do or don't want it mentioned etc etc. Hate my brain today.

Posting here cos I dunno. I want whatever genuine replies come my way from people not involved in it. I know I'm trying (successfully ;) ) to minimise. I dunno.

 

[The Albatross]

Clarify how/why you made the decision and focus on the purpose... should you elect to continue. Examine your purpose/intent.

 

[The Albatross]

The thing that helped me most after arresting forays into an eating disorder, substance abuse (booze) and agoraphobia... none of which I recommend was REBT materials and techniques particularly on unconditional self acceptance. I immersed myself in all things Al Ellis for a while. "You fully accept yourself even when you perform badly and may be despised by significant others. You accept yourself just because you are alive, human and unique. Or in the more elegant REBT, version, you refuse to give your self — your personality, your being–any global rating.” ~Albert Ellis

Short on time pretty good REBT library here:
REBT Network: Albert Ellis | Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy

Unconditional Self Acceptance:
Unconditional Self Acceptance (USA) - SMART Recovery

Lots of stuff beyond the "anxiety aspect here... full E book audio... though the topic is "only anxiety"... it is the methods and thinking style that is most effective.

I could grok REBT... it's part of my recovery foundation. From that foundation came other "tools"... bit of this and dash of that… CBT/ACT/DBT... etc.

 

[Ronin]

I would make an exit plan... Both literally and socially.

The kind of, If I need to get out of here sooner than expected, I do X.

If I need to be done with this topic, or not even come close with it, I do X.

If I do not handle the whole, even if it goes well, I do X.

Okay, thats two plans.

Both exit and coping post the meeting.

Remember, also, you a, survived the original everything, b, now is not then, c, you got lot more skills, life experience, support, now, than you had then.

It may also well be just a fine meet over a coffee* (*wherever), just because you have shared history does not mean that history will have to come between you *now*.