Wanted additional opinions on this

[abbynormal1929]

So a number of people on this site have been very supportive regarding my wife being abusive. Things have taken an interesting turn, in a good way, and I don't know whether to trust it. Up till now she's refused to talk to, or seek support from anyone else aside from me. Lately she's been talking on a support website/app called 7 cups, and she seems a lot happier. A lot of things she sees as wrong in her life aren't being blamed on me anymore. She's giving me credit for things I do, and who I am. She also accepts me as gender non-binary. She's also been talking a lot on an LGBTQ section of the 7 cups site. She's told me now she's pansexual, and demisexual. She's basically saying she's not sexually attracted to people she doesn't feel a connection with. She's also assured me and her family that this doesn't mean she wants to leave me to date women. I'm happy to accept her for this.

We're still not talking that much, even on the days we're home together. We did a couple times. She's on the 7 cups site most of time I see her, smiling at what she's reading all the time. What worries me is that I'm happy that we're not talking, like it's a relief. Much less, but sometimes she still says "I know you hate me", or stuff like that. Occasionally still bringing up that our son would be sad if he had to go between 2 houses. Though that kind of thing is still much less than before. I don't know whether to trust all of this, and it still doesn't make for a very loving relationship between us. On top of that my step-daughter's behavior keeps getting worse. Keeps trying to break glass, and kicks, scratches, and bites. (Autism spectrum for those new to my posts). We're both startingto show signs of trauma with regards to her outbursts (hypervigilence and stuff). She has an appointment with a behavioral clinic at the end of the month, where they will probably put her on abilify or something like that.

Anyway, curious what people think of all of this.

AbbyNormal1929

 

[somerandomguy]

My advice to you is still the same. A leopard doesn't change its spots. But if you really think she might be different now, I suggest that you trust but verify with a one-strike rule.

The only evidence you have that she's changed her ways is in the way that she treats you. If she's treating you well, no problem. But have you been down this road before? A lot of abusers will supposedly change their ways, until the day they go back to doing what they do best, which is to abuse.

I wouldn't give her another chance, frankly. However, this might be an ideal time for you to put an escape plan into place. And then when she goes back to doing the same things again, you immediately activate your plan.

 

[Ronin]

My advice to you is still the same. A leopard doesn't change its spots.

This.

and

She's on the 7 cups site most of time I see her, smiling at what she's reading all the time.

Her orientation discoveries sound just like something she does for herself, and easier gaining support of others. Which she uses how...? Oh, right, to avoid you & make it about her feelings, not even yours, so you are there for /her/ some more, because of what you feel are similarities... great way to be minimizing as f*ck of how she impacted you & shift it back to her feelings.

&

she still says "I know you hate me", or stuff like that. Occasionally still bringing up that our son would be sad if he had to go between 2 houses.

So she still does the same things.

The only change is how, & how she covers them.

 

[Freida]

Any chance you can separate until she commits to doing the work? Yes, it will be tough on your son. But I'm guessing his life right now isn't all that great. It might be a relief for him to get away from her for a bit.

She's still not in therapy, still looking for the easy way out (meds), still not doing the work and now distracting herself using a website that is not PTSD or trauma specific. So....the only thing that has changed is that she doesn't scream anymore?

 

[abbynormal1929]

She started to get at therapist through this website, then said It wasn't helping. However, from what she says, what she has been talking about on the site is largely trauma based. I really don't know what she does with my son while I'm at work. My stepdaughter is a handful to say the least. I get home at like 11:30, my son is still up with kids shows on TV, and she basically says good, you're home, take over. Says my son whines to much (18 month old), and he won't go to sleep. Last time it took me less then a half hour after I got home to get him to sleep. She's also afraid cause sometimes when he makes noise you can hear my stepdaughter start to kick the walls in her room. Now He has a slight taking delay (though I can see some progression in his forming words, and he had good eye contact and smiles at people), she says he's gonna have autism to (like my stepdaughter) and I'm going to hate her for her crappy genes. On top of all that, now work is getting to me, but that's another topic. Any way, I feel like crap.

 

[Justmehere]

Ugh, 18-month-olds are usually put to bed long before 11:30 pm at night... Sleep regression can happen for a few weeks between 18-24 months, but sleep training helps kiddos through that and to learn how to sleep. 18 months is the start of the "terrible twos" and they are going to push boundaries and try out the word "no" and whining about everything. It makes sense she doesn't want to wake up the other child, but he's got to go to bed eventually anyhow, and he's going to find other things to throw a fit about. Tough situation. Your instincts are right though. You have a good sense about things. Are you worried about what she does with your son while at work? I'd probably go all nanny cam on a spouse that I worried about... but I'd make a crappy life partner right now and that's not always so legal everywhere.

 

[abbynormal1929]

I'm not worried she's doing anything dangerous. I just know a lot of energy goes into keeping my stepdaughter calm, and a lot of what my wife calls whining, I see as normal 18 month old talking. My wife is just a lot more sensitive to it cause she's hypervigilant about my stepdaughter. It's all crazy. But they're going to try my stepdaughter on abilify at the end of the month. So hopefully that will help.