Love vs lust and everything in between

[Innordinate]

So basically- how you tell if you love someone? Romantically, not like family love.

I know it's different for everyone and I'm not asking for any philosophical discussion or theories on what love is.
I want to know from people who have or have had SO's that they love- how do you know?

Someone once told me there's a difference between love and being in love.
Have you noticed that?
Do you have to be 'in love' first before you can love?

When I first met my ex-wife I think i fell in love but... i was 15 and looking back now I'm not sure it was love or just lust back then.

And i married her later because we had a kid together and it was practical and i said at the time, probably believed, i loved her. But I'm not really sure.

And what's the difference between in love with and puppy love? and what else is in between loving someone and puppy love and lust?

I feel like it's probably a continuum.
Ancient Greek has like 6 words for love with Agape being pure love for god and familial love and intimate love etc..

But I'm talking just about romantic or intimate love.
I've googled stuff... nothing helpful.

Guess I'm kinda looking for practical examples... maybe?
Or if you've loved or been in love with a SO how did you first realize you loved them?

confusing, sorry.
Any help would seriously be great.

 

[PreciousChild]

I think that all love has the same root. I believe it's a deeply felt need that is fed with positive energy, with consideration, respect, and kindness. I think that disrespect and disdain obstruct love. Romantic love is heightened by the sexual instinct which I think strives for unity and harmony with another. But I think our past experiences shape how that is expressed and can be distorted. I think a healthy romantic love is one in which two people recognize the value of each other, is excited about the other, and tries to meet each others' needs.

 

[Freida]

Love is what happens after the initial excitement is gone and the new wears off. It's the warmth in a relationship, understanding how you fit together, knowing what each other wants out of life and doing all you can to help them reach their happy. It's feeling safe, feeling wanted, feeling like you mean something to their life. It comes with fights and arguments, but making up is not about being right - its about being a team and going forward with new understanding.

As for when I realized it was love? It snuck up on me when I wasn't looking: :laugh: He made me laugh - which I hadn't done in a long time. He made me feel hope about the future - which I hadn't felt in a long time. Then one day I looked around and realized that he was still there ..and that 5 years had passed. 23 years later we are still here..... Still making each other happy.

 

[piratelady]

I think love is someone who accepts you as you are, and vice versa. They make you laugh, feel cared for, and you feel safe with them. You want to make their life better just like they make your life better. As @Freida said, it still comes with arguments but those pass.

I think puppy love is that initial giddy feeling you get, that excitement Freida mentioned. It fades, then you’re left with those deeper feelings of caring and happiness.

 

[Mach123]

Love is a decision. Real decisions aren't subject to going back and doubts and second guessing.

Neither is real love.

 

[Innordinate]

Then one day I looked around and realized that he was still there ..and that 5 years had passed.

do you know what the thought process was before it snuck up on you? was it like casual.... like "this is nice." and then one day it was five years later?
or was it like...... meh, whatever and then 5 years later you were like 'oh i guess i love this guy?'
like did u notice the difference between being friends, good friends then falling in love/loving him?

It fades, then you’re left with those deeper

so, if it fades and you're not left with deeper feelings......

Real decisions aren't subject to going back and doubts and second guessing.

Neither is real love.

are you being absolutely literal here?
every decision ive ever made has a thousand doubts and im constantly second guessing myself.... even like "whats for lunch?" decisions.

do you consider what you have as real love? cuz ive read some of your other posts and there seems to be a lot of doubt and second guess in there before you're like "eh, is what it is" kinda thing

not trying to be a dick... just wondering how absolute you mean this to be.

one in which two people recognize the value of each other, is excited about the other, and tries to meet each others' needs.

this could just describe a really good friendship couldn't it?

i guess im looking for whats the difference between a good friendship and the next step - loving someone.

i dunno- so i think i feel emotions, good and bad ones, really intensely.

when/if you're dissociating and isolating and feeling nothing.... does it mean you didn't/don't love them?
can it come and go like that?

yeh, i know im probably being like super daft and extra difficult..... just trying to figure it out.

should it even be this confusing?

 

[PreciousChild]

do you know what the thought process was before it snuck up on you? was it like casual.... like "this is nice." and then one day it was five years later?
or was it like...... meh, whatever and then 5 years later you were like 'oh i guess i love this guy?'
like did u notice the difference between being friends, good friends then falling in love/loving him?

so, if it fades and you're not left with deeper feelings......


are you being absolutely literal here?
every decision ive ever made has a thousand doubts and im constantly second guessing myself.... even like "whats for lunch?" decisions.

do you consider what you have as real love? cuz ive read some of your other posts and there seems to be a lot of doubt and second guess in there before you're like "eh, is what it is" kinda thing

not trying to be a dick... just wondering how absolute you mean this to be.


this could just describe a really good friendship couldn't it?

i guess im looking for whats the difference between a good friendship and the next step - loving someone.

i dunno- so i think i feel emotions, good and bad ones, really intensely.

when/if you're dissociating and isolating and feeling nothing.... does it mean you didn't/don't love them?
can it come and go like that?

yeh, i know im probably being like super daft and extra difficult..... just trying to figure it out.

should it even be this confusing?

I don't know that I get excited about friends. I have a wide variety of friends that pop in and out of my life at different times during the month and year. But I look to my bf for connection and to feel special. I think the latter is what is unique about romantic love. And actually, I think it comes from a more primordial place - we want to feel special in the eyes of our parents, and whether we get that or not, I think we try to capture that or recapture that in our romantic partners. My friends don't need me to feel uniquely beloved. My friends can scatter their attentions to anyone they want.

 

[grit]

Interesting topic. I think the reason you cannot find a quick answer on Google is because there is no quick answer. Love is a feeling and being and every single person will feel or be at differently even two people in love will describe it differently because love is subjective.
For my perspective, if you love your child, just add a bit imagination to that to visualize what love romantic is --- it is that kind of love you know but it is not blood and it has an element of proximity. Where you may let go your children to the other side of the world and be happy for them for a romantic love, you may also let them go but there is a dream, desire, a connection to become together again.
I know when I met my husband I fell in love but if I have to break it down today - it was I felt love, safe and trust with him. If I go a bit deeper technically, I would say, I let my defenses down or they were just off momentarily. A bit deeper I would say, I projected my love, good, positive parts to him. If I go a bit deeper I would say I saw myself in him. But in practical, I took all those things back and saw him for who is truly and still feel I love this guy. I cant touch or say or show you why or how. I just know.

The lust part I can talk about it a bit more. When we met, gosh it was electricity! we could not get our hand off each other...now we are still similar in such we play a lot, the making love is more meaningful and can be also really a playful but more importantly, there is a fill in where electricity was...like a slow cooking static.

At times, when we fight, I get that feeling of abandonment in my gut, and I go yeah....I am afraid to lose him and while I hold my feelings and process, I know if the worst thing happens today and we part, I will have that abandonment and betrayal feeling to gut me but I will truly be happy for the memory, the experience and love I felt for this man. I know he can hurt me and I am choosing to take that risk every day. That risk is so rewarding, so rich and so much growth that I am willing to take it to love this guy and open my heart, body and mind.

That is what love is to me but again, it is hard to put words to it. I just know just like I am breathing in oxygen.

 

[Innordinate]

get excited about friends.

I think we try to capture that or recapture that in our romantic partners.

safe and trust with him

I let my defenses down or they were just off momentarily

gosh it was electricity!

when we fight, I get that feeling of abandonment in my gut, and I go yeah....I am afraid to lose him and while I hold my feelings and process

truly be happy for the memory, the experience and love I felt for this man

I know he can hurt me and I am choosing to take that risk every day.

thank you both. this is all really helpful i think.

 

[Changing4Best]

I was married 23 years, and then he passed away. When we first met, I loved his sense of humor and his easy laugh. He tickled some sense in me that I had never experienced before, but I could not put it into words. It just was. Today, looking back, I suppose it was love, but I did not realize it at the time. I just knew I enjoyed being with him, enjoyed how he made me feel and missed him when we were not together.

We had things in common. We loved going out to eat. We loved going on Sunday drives and ending up at someplace interesting and of course, a nice restaurant! Neither of us cared about fancy cloths, we loved dogs and we had 5 of them to prove it!

There were things about one another that we did not understand. I was an artist and he did not understand art. He worked with a bunch of tough guys on a tough job, and I really did not understand much about his job, but I sure was happy when he brought home his paychecks. He wanted me to stay home and not work an outside job. I wanted to work out there somewhere, but I took his word for it and did not do so. He said it was a rough world out there. I guess you could say he was protective of me. It took me awhile to figure that out, because he was protective of me in many ways.

I always felt safe around him. He was a black belt in judo and that sure made that feeling a lot stronger. He rarely lost his temper. I can count on one hand how many arguments we had. That was really good, because my father had been very emotionally abusive to me. I did not need that twice in a row! In fact, hubby's easy going attitude was probably one of the best things that attracted me to him.

 

[LuckiLee]

I'm not a religious person but I have always loved this (from the Bible)...

Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It does not dishonor others. It is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres... ❤

 

[HealingMama]

So basically- how you tell if you love someone? Romantically, not like family love.

I know it's different for everyone and I'm not asking for any philosophical discussion or theories on what love is.
I want to know from people who have or have had SO's that they love- how do you know?

Someone once told me there's a difference between love and being in love.
Have you noticed that?
Do you have to be 'in love' first before you can love?

When I first met my ex-wife I think i fell in love but... i was 15 and looking back now I'm not sure it was love or just lust back then.

And i married her later because we had a kid together and it was practical and i said at the time, probably believed, i loved her. But I'm not really sure.

And what's the difference between in love with and puppy love? and what else is in between loving someone and puppy love and lust?

I feel like it's probably a continuum.
Ancient Greek has like 6 words for love with Agape being pure love for god and familial love and intimate love etc..

But I'm talking just about romantic or intimate love.
I've googled stuff... nothing helpful.

Guess I'm kinda looking for practical examples... maybe?
Or if you've loved or been in love with a SO how did you first realize you loved them?

confusing, sorry.
Any help would seriously be great.

I know I love my husband because I couldn't leave him when he put me through some insanely difficult experiences.

Love doesn't fade with time. Limerance (crush lust where you're addicted to the person) fades biochemically in about 3 months. It takes about 2 years for the honeymoon phase cocktail of oxytocin and dopamine to settle as you begin to see a person as their real self, not your idealized projection of them. My husband is the first person I've felt strongly about after that 2 years when usually things kind of settle and become comfortable and familiar but there's no real sense of enthusiasm when you see each other after time apart.

I think it is possible to love everyone without being in love. In-love is attachment love. According to Imago relationship theory, the feeling of being in love is really the unconscious recognizing in the other person the same pattern we grew up with that we need to heal past. I kind of buy that in my own experience.