Geordie's Diary

[SeanCharles]

I haven't written in here for a bit. I am writing today because of something that has been building and may come crashing upon me tomorrow!

There are many things going on, that in ways I am beginning to understand a little better that I didn't realize was going on and in ways this has been a bit of distortion to me. In a nutshell, Some of the stress I've been owning really isn't my own stress and I've been getting overloaded with additional stress because I feed off others' emotions. Filtering this is and has been difficult! I am not saying I can't do this. I realize with this stress and emotions that I am feeding off of I am also feeding off someone very close and special to me and I think what I am getting from them specifically might be separation anxiety. In case you haven't figured out who I mean here, I am referring to Ms Sheba!

I have a meeting tomorrow that I am not looking forward to, if what I suspect might happen may be a suspension, if that's the case, I may demand Termination. (I may actually demand Union Representation first) I don't know. I am to the point that I need off the merry-go-round and can't make it stop!

 

[SeanCharles]

I have decided to re-purpose this diary since I also have my members diary also. This one I will use for more personal observation, while I will use the members diary for exposure therapy work.

I came up with this repurposing idea when I realized the following:

1. Symptom versus somatic tracking. I want to explore the possibility of PTSD treament on a level I am not completely comfortable with, however, in order that I can identify the symptoms and problem areas I need to examine in order to manage these.
2. In order to possibly break free of remaining employed, I need to also look at the day to day, weekly impact and identify any and all stressors that exist, I know they are there, I need to identify and classify them.

 

[SeanCharles]

4-15-2015 I can't keep this working cycle going! I am tired of it! One of the symptoms I having are intense intrusive thinking! It's not suicidal Ideation... It's far worse... I am strong enough to not act on these, but the reoccurring thinking is scaring me to the point of needing to do something. I may have a temporary solution, however, This temporary solution is like not having surgery and instead would be a bandaid covering up the wound.

I have no supports in place that I had earlier. I need an exit other than giving two weeks! That will work against me. On another note, many people I know who have been with the company are leaving the place. I am kicking myself a lot for even considering employment with this company! I feel extremely trapped, stuck and otherwise cornered!

My mental health is severely discentigrating... I can't stand working for a place where employees want to quit, there's racial discrimation, Corporate is nothing but a big corporation killer! Here I am stuck in the middle and I all I can do is struggle day to day!

--SeanG

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hang in there, you are not alone. My husband worked in a place so corrupt for so many years.

Have you considered taking medical leave or just searching for another job?

 

[SeanCharles]

Hang in there, you are not alone. My husband worked in a place so corrupt for so many years.

Have you considered taking medical leave or just searching for another job?

@gizmo Searching for another job is and isn't what I am looking to do. As I have expressed on many occasion, I have reached the payment history to qualify for disability. The problem is, because I have been with the company as long as I have, I appear to be engaged in Substantial gainful activity.

Let me see if I can break this down:

While I don't necessarily meet the expectations I do meet them at least minimally. I make what other people (non disabled) who are at the same pay scale as I and they do just as much if not more different yet demanding tasks than I. I am expected to mainly do cleaning chores while others are doing cooking, dishes and whatever else. Oh, then there is freight. I do a bulk of freight work at least twice a week, Chickens and salads. There is one other person who handles the other freight. While we're not brothers biologically it is jokingly said that we interact like a pair of siblings!


My health is such that at times when my stress is up, my overactive thyroid is causing me to use the restroom more! This interruption will cut my work flow down too. Then there are other symptoms; Over stress, Intrusive thinking (Not Self-harming, far worse! these are becoming daily!)

As I was trying to convey, taking vacation is a band aid for a deep wound. I see the need to get off the merry-go-round and address my mental health issues/health concerns.

---SeanG

 

[Deleted member 12723]

thank you for clarifying your situation. I understand now and feel for you.

 

[SeanCharles]

4/10/2017-4/11/2017 Since I have not written in this diary in quite a while and I am doing a bit of a review in preparation for two very important evaluations which are not the sole deciding bodies, rather they are opinions through observation and dialogue with me and one or both will be possibly be including some tests. The MD will be taking some range of motion measurements as part of the physical exam that is scheduled.

I am also having to completely review my Service Dog task list as Winnie and I will be undergoing her/our Adult Dog II Training which will begin next week, we're taking a week off since She passed her Adult Dog I. I am confident that we will progress through the Adult Dog II. Upon successful completion of that class will bring us to the Canine Good Citizen (CGC) training which will be a major test and is not one done at Petco where we having been doing our weekly training sessions.