I Create So Much Distance

[MysticRose]

I don't think I had any issues with this when I was a child, hugs and cuddles and kisses. Or maybe I did, just not with my mom and dad.

However, over the past years I've noticed that I have more trouble with showing affection, giving hugs and cuddles and kisses (even to my own daughters) as I used to. When someone tries to get close to me, it's like I'm totally shutting down. Like I'm stepping outside of my own body, so that I do not have to experience what they're trying to do.. make me love anybody. I have no clue when this started. Sometimes it feels like I'm hugging a stranger, and it feels like there's a thousand miles between us.

How I would love to feel different and be able to give at least my kids what they deserve.. although they do not seem to be bothered by it, because they'll just hug me anyway ;-) . I create so much distance between my loved ones and me, and it still doesn't feel safe enough.

Can anyone relate to this?

 

[illusionist]

I can relate to this....although it's not a permanent state for me now, it's something I do experience when I'm not doing so well. It's like emotions are too much for me to deal with so I shut them out.

Many years ago though, it was a permanent state.

 

[Nighteyes]

Hello,
I can relate very well. As a teen I had no issues with any “physical” emotional attachments, course I was also in complete denial over my situation. As I got older and into more “committed” relationships I started hating and loathing kisses. I’ve been with my partner for 10ish years now and at this point I can’t stand being touched by him or anyone except my child. When it comes to my child it’s only because I have to consciously tell myself if I don’t show love he won’t now love or I probably would be able to hug my child either.

This has been a permanent state for me for some time now. I can’t offer help here, as I am in the same boat but I can let you know you aren’t alone.

 

[MysticRose]

Thank you for replying - it's good to know that I'm not the only one. Sometimes I start doubting myself because of this, questioning whether I'm a capable mom.

 

[illusionist]

You are a capable mum.....the fact that you are questioning this shows that.

I know I hugged my kids for the latter years of their childhood with emotional distance....but I knew that it was soooo important for their well-being that I continue to give hugs, as I always had. Even then, I'm sure they knew something was amiss and it did have effect on my daughter.....I'm now sure of it.

Please don't make the same mistake I did.....get the help you need....both for your own well-being and the well-being of your kids.