I do not really know how to start one of these but I know that talking to others should help and many people find strength in these posts, so hear it goes I apologize for the lengthiness in advance.
i started my freshman year of college back in August. Three weeks into school i was assaulted by a new "friend" while at a bar. I went out with one of my roommates who proceeded to get very intoxicated and I was DD that night since I had plans on meeting up with this fraternity guy I was talking to later. I lose her as she is on her hunt for boys (the frat boys roommate) while we are on the dance floor and run into the "new friend". He was heavily intoxicated and was all over me I told him multiple times to get off and he attempted to reach his hands down my pants in the middle of the dance floor. I was uncomfortable because I was into this fraternity boy (we will call him my ex). I was calling and texting my ex as this was going on to find him in the bar, my friend kept pulling me away and ended up fingering me when I saw a flash of an image almost like a memory and I froze. We tried to throw me down in the men's bathroom and my ex ended up punching him and got me out of the situation.
I ended up with a few of my ex's friends who took me back to the frat house so i could pick up my drunken friend. My ex and I start to talk and he completely forgets punching him and he puts me in his bed and we talk about what happened. I was a mess and still in shock, he then replies while since I listened to you can i have a favor. He asked me for sexual favors which I declined but I woke up with 1/2 of my clothes off and vaguely remember hands on my body (I haven't told anyone this except for Tinder Boy). Since he promised to stay and help me through everything, I reported the incident to the police and they showed up at my dorm and there were rumors that i was just "another slut who got assaulted". So I spent a lot of time with my ex until his fraternity banned me from the house when I asked him for my witness statement and he said he was blacked which i believe since he was bad that night. We began talking secretly to each other almost like a "secret relationship", I was mad about this because I thought I needed him because I did not understand the flashback and knew no one.
I began telling people I was close with from home one in my dorm and one off campus. The girl off campus immediately asked me what I was wearing and why I was going out so much? (she has a bf so she doesn't understand the hook up culture). The dorm friend was super nice and helpful but would talk about me behind my back to my best friend in alabama and to many others which I found out later. I was telling people because I thought that was how people feel and it wasn't and many would talk behind my back or wouldn't believe me.
Because of this, I started seeking counseling which was not very helpful because all they really talked about was academic success. That's when I began going out on a regular basis to prove to everyone that i was fine and I was meeting Tinder boys. I was super promiscuous to prove to my ex I could do better and thought I could forget about things because of this. I would show off my Tinder men at the bars by making out and having them gaze from afar to me it was a game and I was making new friends. But these friends would then talk behind my back, and I would begin going home with guys. This led to intense flashbacks similar to the one I had back when I was assaulted, I felt lost in my own mind and began doing hard drugs to forget things. I lost all motivation to go to class and began to avoid sleeping to avoid flashbacks within my nightmare. My grades began slipping and I became so obsessed with discovering what the image, that I did not know what happened I had never had any sexual relations in my entire life and boys were never a big deal to me i was so career focused my whole life up until now.
Ultimately, I ended up taking a medical leave from school for my issues in November which promised a fresh start if I were to return. I was devastated but knew I needed help I began seeking a T in my hometown who introduced me to EMDR to process the memories of my physical childhood abuse, family affairs, and the assault on campus. During this time my parents were still upset I could not press charges and that the boy was walking around campus taking finals who assaulted me. I felt very alone during this time and only had a few people to talk to the dorm girl, my BFF (only for two weeks), friend from high school who went to hometown university, college friend also on medical leave, Gay best friend, my ex's fraternity big (who begged me for nudes when I was at home but later gave me info), and Tinder boy.
As I began EMDR, we started with grandma (mom's side) who my brother and I lived with when my parents worked so we spent everyday with her and she abused us by burning, hitting, and just in general verbally until I was 9 when my dad stopped working to spend more time with his mother. As i was processing I kept seeing hands over the bruises which I later identified as one of my uncle's hands. We began continuing processing where I had a flashback to a christmas when I was seven and my uncle had raped me I did not know what I had just visualized I was in shock. As processing continued memories would come back which led to me telling my mom around Christmas time after a session. She merely said at least we do not see him anymore and he is a bad person.
My mother ended up contacting my uncle saying she wouldn't tell my dad or press charges but asked him questions. He ended up admitting to it and said it turned from molestation to rape between the ages of 5-12 and would occur when he came in town on holidays and for weddings. This made sense to me because as a kid, he was the only person who did not live in our hometown and wa easy to talk to as I continued processing I heard us talking about the abuse and him telling me he will try to help me through it. I felt disgusting when I found out about this, my innocence was something I had cherished and that I loved and trusted this man made things even worse. I also felt guilty I could not tell my dad but I knew he would freak out due to family history and his current issues with his brother.
BACKSTORY
My dad's family has been a mess since I was 12 and my grandma was not able to take care of herself. Which led to my my dad and his 8 siblings being divided into teams. Nursing Home: 3 aunts and 1 uncle (rapist), Her Home with my aunt who is now homeless: my dad, his oldest brother, and two of my other uncles, and my homeless aunt is now by herself (longer story). Well family was heated because my dad and his oldest brother legally had all the power and they wanted a say on the matter which led to a lot of fights. About a year ago, my dad's oldest brother was accused of sexual assault by his 4 sisters and my rapist. This led to tensions in the family and my dad's side accusing them of lying and saying it's convenient that he gets removed from power and that our mother has no mind.
So I dont want to share my story and have them think I am lying because the backlash is even worse and my dad flipping out and contacting the whole family. Because I was afraid of telling my dad I tried to limit what I told my mom and began confiding in friends. At first it was most people I knew from home but that led to talking behind my back so I just stuck with high school friend who went to local campus, GBF, and tinder Boy. My GBF talked and facetimed everyday he was up to date on all events in my life and therapy we are still good friends and he always takes my word. The girl from home and I would go out every night and discuss her problems with her ex and what I was going through and we always got food which was helpful. Talking to them really helped me but I was already afraid they would compare stories like everyone else and that's hard because i already struggle to open up.
Tinder Boy and i talked everyday even though I did not really think about him because I wanted my ex back and just wanted to use him at school to make my ex jealous. But since we talked everyday I always felt kinda normal like we would have casual conversations and a few cryptic ones since I did not want to tell him everything especially over Tinder. He was a mystery to me but always nice and did not offer for me to stay at his place or ask for nudes. Like it was just nice to have someone to talk to and he made me realize I could do whatever I wanted and college was still a possibility.
As I continued to process I began getting better and my T signed a reinstatement form to return to school which was great. I began to seek my old friends again, the girl who i hung out with a lot who missed her ex sought out a mutual friend (off-campus girl) for advice on him. Which led to me and off-campus girl getting closer and ultimately her providing me a safe haven once we got back to campus.
I was so excited to move into a new dorm, but when I met my roommate she immediately asked me about my sexual assault because she dated my ex. Once my ex figured out i was back, he began using his fraternity to harass me and stop my friends to tell them how crazy I was. I was devastated and began going to the girls appt off campus and we would talk about the situation, the symptoms, her bf, and we would just hang out. It was the perfect place because my ex had no idea I was there and it was a 45 minute walk from my dorm and a 25 minute bus ride. I was able to live life in peace or so I thought, I began getting weird looks and questioned by people in classes. That's when my ex's big contacted me telling that he has plotted the fraternity against me by having them film me with other guys, a group chat of my location and pictures of my friends and I (who they would contact), and that he told his brothers that I accused him of rape. This never made sense to me because he was the one who helped get the guy off me. I had officially lost my voice on campus and I was afraid Tinder Boy would find out about what happened and his twisted story and that people would get the wrong impression.
I felt so alone and the most disturbing part was the frat had meetings about me saying not to get too close or I would accuse them of assault. My roommate and her friends associated with them and many of them disliked me because of this, so hanging with the off-campus girl was the easiest escape and I ended up telling her and her bf about Tinder Boy which is when she insisted that messaging was weird (admittedly it was since we could just text) but wanted us to meet.
We scheduled a few times to meet and often times I could not go because I was a 45 minute walk away from him and helping this girl with her bf problems and her past issues. My roommate puked on me before our scheduled date so we had to reschedule which did not work out.This led to our friends helping us out and we met on a Thursday night at a bar when dorm girl ended up getting heavily intoxicated and pulling me away from him to drunkenly cry on me. It just became so annoying because we talked everyday but meeting up was hard. Which led to us meeting up at a dance bar on a Saturday Night.
That day I had been out all day and was not really myself but I was excited to finally meet him. I went out with off-campus girl and her friends and when we met up we were both super out of it and were all over each other.Meanwhile, the fraternity brothers are filming us which is terrible and off-campus girl separates us and pushes him against the wall saying "You can walk her home, but you are not going into her room and you are not taking her home with you she is bad tonight". I know she meant well but it was super embarrassing so we left and I went home with him (which was a bad decision).
Well we were both pretty bad, and we ended up watching a movie which led to more. He took off my dress and bra which was fine but then he ripped off my underwear and I immediately flashbacked to the rape with my uncle. All he kept saying was "it's just me, you can trust me" I didn't even move and that led to him talking and holding me through all of it. I was so upset and felt like i disappointed him but he told me not to worry about that ever and that everything will be okay now. We talked more and for once I did not feel like I had anything to prove to anyone i felt safe and we talked about our struggles. This led to him randomly asking me to leave (trigger) which was hard since I could not move and we ended up just working through things and he walked me home. We continued to talk until off-campus girl and my roommate made me ask him about his weird behavior and he decided to be just friends under the circumstances of his first semester and mine. I ended up unlatching him because I did not want to waste time even though he said he was always there to listen.
Plus, off-campus girl and her bf told me he was bad news and never really cared about me and just wanted me for sex. Which did not make any sense to me with his issues and my personal issues. But I listened to her and stopped contacting him.
Then the fraternity began to harass me again which led to suicidal thoughts and feelings of loneliness. So i ended up telling my dad I was molested by my uncle which he had a stress induced heart attack and I felt like I had no one to talk to and missed talking to Tinder Boy. So I DMed Tinder Boy on Instagram over spring break. We talked everyday and off-campus girl continued to monitor all of our messages to decode and try and understand what he wanted (I am terrible about this). She helped me through spring break but would always say he seems interested even though we defined ourselves as friends (very confusing).
The messages began to become more flirtatious so I was confused again but did not really mind. Off-campus girl wanted me to define it because I was "annoying" her with questions about what to say. Which led to her sending a message basically saying i wanted a relationship and that his mixed signals and denial for my love were not okay which just sounds a little out there since he defined us as friends.Plus i did not what I wanted, I am kind of a free spirit so I do not know if I am even ready to be that close with someone which is frustrating. After this, Tinder Boy began to keep asking me to open up and we would fight everyday because I would question his intentions. And that was wrong, but I did that because the last man who tried to help me raped me when I told him about my grandma.
Because we fought everyday I would get upset and so would he so I began to open up to him. I told off-campus girl right before Easter and she was mad saying it was unhealthy, how he was using me for sex, and that I shouldn't talk to him because I liked him. And that night I ended up sobbing because I am so afraid of him rejecting me for drama like ex did so i never gave Tinder boy a chance. We got into a huge fight about opening up and I told off campus girl and she texted me saying she texted him and that it was so savage and to the point. I was pretty mad and he ended up being "done with me" which made me livid and she told me she would send me the message. She refused and dropped the convo which made me think something was sketchy.
I cried about this because I just wanted to explain things to him in person so i texted him a week later. And he told me there's nothing i can do because I insulted his moral character, lashed out at him, and treated him like he was the "anti-christ". I was so upset because I missed talking to him so I asked off-campus girl what she said and she told me it does not matter. I was really mad at her and began becoming closer with my roommate and her friends. They believed all of this was sketchy too and did not want me to keep going over there. And tbh I couldn't between classes, sessions every week, and friends in my dorm I did not see her anymore.
During finals week, she contacted me asking me to hang out unfortunately i was out of town and working on a final project I had not seen her in weeks. Because of this we scheduled a lunch at the campus diner, I met up with her and as I we walked to the booth she told me Tinder boy, her bf, and this guy slut shames me were there.
Tinder boy opened with why did you tell me your ex raped you. And i immediately was shocked that a. he was there and b. that he interpreted it that way I told him I never said that and to show proof. Since all we did was text each other he told me it was too far to scroll (mind you off-campus girl read through every message we ever sent so she would've called me out or questioned it). He proceeded to ask me to tell him the truth. The three continued to yell over my responses, I told him I haven't even told my own father everything and that I struggle in general but he was hurt because I wasn't open and honest with him (lied to him even though I did not). Then after I tell them of the rape, her bf asks "Are you a virgin?" I responded technically no and all of them told me I was wrong. How can you tell someone they are wrong and ask them if they know what consensual sex is and tell me I can only give my virginity when I feel like something was taken from me.
I began to explain my assault and childhood to them. Off-campus girl told me there's no way the bathroom thing happened and theres no way i reported it or that my ex and his frat harass me. she had Tinder boy agree with her on this. I was upset so went into my rape where they told me someone would have noticed and that my parents would not put me in that environment even though they have never met them. Off-campus girl pretended to be my bff and convinced tinder boy that she had never thought this throughout school even though we were merely classmates. They she went onto say anyone can make up this stuff especially the scars from the abuse. She then said I know your mom and she would not put you around your grandma (she met her once at Panera for 20 minutes). They then told me I had to tell my father even though they had no idea of my dad's medical history or family history with this brother. It ended with them talking about my promiscuous phase first semester and how I have not changed. But I have, I did not want to do that anymore because I really liked Tinder boy because he was genuinely nice to me. Now he hates me, because of her telling him lies and manipulating him when i would not give her updates on my life.
Well i went back to her house and she pissed me off the whole time, explaining that she wanted another intervention. And how bad I messed up with Tinder Boy so I ended up leaving a sobbing. I contacted her telling her she crossed lines, had no right to say the things she did about my family, for planning with Tinder Boy behind my back, and for getting involved with someone without my permission. She dismissed my feelings telling me I did not learn. which ultimately led to resurfacing my suicidal thoughts that occurred back in December and I tried to OD until dorm girl saw me attempt and we talked.
That's when I decided to tell my parents because I thought I would get Tinder Boy and off-campus girl back in my life if i listened. When I told my dad he flipped and told his family who accused me of lying so my uncle (rapist) gets taken off the will and they began leaving confrontational notes and visiting my grandmother (dad's side) more in spite of my "lying". They told me no one will ever believe me because I was just like my father. This led to my dad who has T1 diabetes having episodes which led to us calling 911 and multiple occasions and him getting pulled over and taken in an ambulance. I just feel really guilty and alone he cannot even look me in the eye and off-campus girl told a bunch of people at home about the intervention and lied saying I kew about it, that tinder boy started it, and about stuff being said. She knows what she did was wrong and I even contacted boy for the messages but he won't respond.
I just feel so alone and want all this drama to stop. The person who was helping me heal the most is no longer in my life because of off-campus girl's manipulation. With him I could actually be myself and try and let my guard down and I just want him back in my life. He was easy going and always gave good advice until she made him mad at me because he's hurt since i "lied to him". I do not know what to do I am working right now and trying to stay busy but i feel like no one believes me at home, school, or in my own family. And i wish I could change things with Tinder Boy because he helped me when no one else was really there and was genuinely good but he's so trusting that he believed off-campus girl. Telling my dad just hurts him more and my mom brushes off the rape and child abuse because that's family and she does not want to air out "dirty laundry".
Does anyone have a similar experience? I am sorry this is so long but I do not know what else to do.
i started my freshman year of college back in August. Three weeks into school i was assaulted by a new "friend" while at a bar. I went out with one of my roommates who proceeded to get very intoxicated and I was DD that night since I had plans on meeting up with this fraternity guy I was talking to later. I lose her as she is on her hunt for boys (the frat boys roommate) while we are on the dance floor and run into the "new friend". He was heavily intoxicated and was all over me I told him multiple times to get off and he attempted to reach his hands down my pants in the middle of the dance floor. I was uncomfortable because I was into this fraternity boy (we will call him my ex). I was calling and texting my ex as this was going on to find him in the bar, my friend kept pulling me away and ended up fingering me when I saw a flash of an image almost like a memory and I froze. We tried to throw me down in the men's bathroom and my ex ended up punching him and got me out of the situation.
I ended up with a few of my ex's friends who took me back to the frat house so i could pick up my drunken friend. My ex and I start to talk and he completely forgets punching him and he puts me in his bed and we talk about what happened. I was a mess and still in shock, he then replies while since I listened to you can i have a favor. He asked me for sexual favors which I declined but I woke up with 1/2 of my clothes off and vaguely remember hands on my body (I haven't told anyone this except for Tinder Boy). Since he promised to stay and help me through everything, I reported the incident to the police and they showed up at my dorm and there were rumors that i was just "another slut who got assaulted". So I spent a lot of time with my ex until his fraternity banned me from the house when I asked him for my witness statement and he said he was blacked which i believe since he was bad that night. We began talking secretly to each other almost like a "secret relationship", I was mad about this because I thought I needed him because I did not understand the flashback and knew no one.
I began telling people I was close with from home one in my dorm and one off campus. The girl off campus immediately asked me what I was wearing and why I was going out so much? (she has a bf so she doesn't understand the hook up culture). The dorm friend was super nice and helpful but would talk about me behind my back to my best friend in alabama and to many others which I found out later. I was telling people because I thought that was how people feel and it wasn't and many would talk behind my back or wouldn't believe me.
Because of this, I started seeking counseling which was not very helpful because all they really talked about was academic success. That's when I began going out on a regular basis to prove to everyone that i was fine and I was meeting Tinder boys. I was super promiscuous to prove to my ex I could do better and thought I could forget about things because of this. I would show off my Tinder men at the bars by making out and having them gaze from afar to me it was a game and I was making new friends. But these friends would then talk behind my back, and I would begin going home with guys. This led to intense flashbacks similar to the one I had back when I was assaulted, I felt lost in my own mind and began doing hard drugs to forget things. I lost all motivation to go to class and began to avoid sleeping to avoid flashbacks within my nightmare. My grades began slipping and I became so obsessed with discovering what the image, that I did not know what happened I had never had any sexual relations in my entire life and boys were never a big deal to me i was so career focused my whole life up until now.
Ultimately, I ended up taking a medical leave from school for my issues in November which promised a fresh start if I were to return. I was devastated but knew I needed help I began seeking a T in my hometown who introduced me to EMDR to process the memories of my physical childhood abuse, family affairs, and the assault on campus. During this time my parents were still upset I could not press charges and that the boy was walking around campus taking finals who assaulted me. I felt very alone during this time and only had a few people to talk to the dorm girl, my BFF (only for two weeks), friend from high school who went to hometown university, college friend also on medical leave, Gay best friend, my ex's fraternity big (who begged me for nudes when I was at home but later gave me info), and Tinder boy.
As I began EMDR, we started with grandma (mom's side) who my brother and I lived with when my parents worked so we spent everyday with her and she abused us by burning, hitting, and just in general verbally until I was 9 when my dad stopped working to spend more time with his mother. As i was processing I kept seeing hands over the bruises which I later identified as one of my uncle's hands. We began continuing processing where I had a flashback to a christmas when I was seven and my uncle had raped me I did not know what I had just visualized I was in shock. As processing continued memories would come back which led to me telling my mom around Christmas time after a session. She merely said at least we do not see him anymore and he is a bad person.
My mother ended up contacting my uncle saying she wouldn't tell my dad or press charges but asked him questions. He ended up admitting to it and said it turned from molestation to rape between the ages of 5-12 and would occur when he came in town on holidays and for weddings. This made sense to me because as a kid, he was the only person who did not live in our hometown and wa easy to talk to as I continued processing I heard us talking about the abuse and him telling me he will try to help me through it. I felt disgusting when I found out about this, my innocence was something I had cherished and that I loved and trusted this man made things even worse. I also felt guilty I could not tell my dad but I knew he would freak out due to family history and his current issues with his brother.
BACKSTORY
My dad's family has been a mess since I was 12 and my grandma was not able to take care of herself. Which led to my my dad and his 8 siblings being divided into teams. Nursing Home: 3 aunts and 1 uncle (rapist), Her Home with my aunt who is now homeless: my dad, his oldest brother, and two of my other uncles, and my homeless aunt is now by herself (longer story). Well family was heated because my dad and his oldest brother legally had all the power and they wanted a say on the matter which led to a lot of fights. About a year ago, my dad's oldest brother was accused of sexual assault by his 4 sisters and my rapist. This led to tensions in the family and my dad's side accusing them of lying and saying it's convenient that he gets removed from power and that our mother has no mind.
So I dont want to share my story and have them think I am lying because the backlash is even worse and my dad flipping out and contacting the whole family. Because I was afraid of telling my dad I tried to limit what I told my mom and began confiding in friends. At first it was most people I knew from home but that led to talking behind my back so I just stuck with high school friend who went to local campus, GBF, and tinder Boy. My GBF talked and facetimed everyday he was up to date on all events in my life and therapy we are still good friends and he always takes my word. The girl from home and I would go out every night and discuss her problems with her ex and what I was going through and we always got food which was helpful. Talking to them really helped me but I was already afraid they would compare stories like everyone else and that's hard because i already struggle to open up.
Tinder Boy and i talked everyday even though I did not really think about him because I wanted my ex back and just wanted to use him at school to make my ex jealous. But since we talked everyday I always felt kinda normal like we would have casual conversations and a few cryptic ones since I did not want to tell him everything especially over Tinder. He was a mystery to me but always nice and did not offer for me to stay at his place or ask for nudes. Like it was just nice to have someone to talk to and he made me realize I could do whatever I wanted and college was still a possibility.
As I continued to process I began getting better and my T signed a reinstatement form to return to school which was great. I began to seek my old friends again, the girl who i hung out with a lot who missed her ex sought out a mutual friend (off-campus girl) for advice on him. Which led to me and off-campus girl getting closer and ultimately her providing me a safe haven once we got back to campus.
I was so excited to move into a new dorm, but when I met my roommate she immediately asked me about my sexual assault because she dated my ex. Once my ex figured out i was back, he began using his fraternity to harass me and stop my friends to tell them how crazy I was. I was devastated and began going to the girls appt off campus and we would talk about the situation, the symptoms, her bf, and we would just hang out. It was the perfect place because my ex had no idea I was there and it was a 45 minute walk from my dorm and a 25 minute bus ride. I was able to live life in peace or so I thought, I began getting weird looks and questioned by people in classes. That's when my ex's big contacted me telling that he has plotted the fraternity against me by having them film me with other guys, a group chat of my location and pictures of my friends and I (who they would contact), and that he told his brothers that I accused him of rape. This never made sense to me because he was the one who helped get the guy off me. I had officially lost my voice on campus and I was afraid Tinder Boy would find out about what happened and his twisted story and that people would get the wrong impression.
I felt so alone and the most disturbing part was the frat had meetings about me saying not to get too close or I would accuse them of assault. My roommate and her friends associated with them and many of them disliked me because of this, so hanging with the off-campus girl was the easiest escape and I ended up telling her and her bf about Tinder Boy which is when she insisted that messaging was weird (admittedly it was since we could just text) but wanted us to meet.
We scheduled a few times to meet and often times I could not go because I was a 45 minute walk away from him and helping this girl with her bf problems and her past issues. My roommate puked on me before our scheduled date so we had to reschedule which did not work out.This led to our friends helping us out and we met on a Thursday night at a bar when dorm girl ended up getting heavily intoxicated and pulling me away from him to drunkenly cry on me. It just became so annoying because we talked everyday but meeting up was hard. Which led to us meeting up at a dance bar on a Saturday Night.
That day I had been out all day and was not really myself but I was excited to finally meet him. I went out with off-campus girl and her friends and when we met up we were both super out of it and were all over each other.Meanwhile, the fraternity brothers are filming us which is terrible and off-campus girl separates us and pushes him against the wall saying "You can walk her home, but you are not going into her room and you are not taking her home with you she is bad tonight". I know she meant well but it was super embarrassing so we left and I went home with him (which was a bad decision).
Well we were both pretty bad, and we ended up watching a movie which led to more. He took off my dress and bra which was fine but then he ripped off my underwear and I immediately flashbacked to the rape with my uncle. All he kept saying was "it's just me, you can trust me" I didn't even move and that led to him talking and holding me through all of it. I was so upset and felt like i disappointed him but he told me not to worry about that ever and that everything will be okay now. We talked more and for once I did not feel like I had anything to prove to anyone i felt safe and we talked about our struggles. This led to him randomly asking me to leave (trigger) which was hard since I could not move and we ended up just working through things and he walked me home. We continued to talk until off-campus girl and my roommate made me ask him about his weird behavior and he decided to be just friends under the circumstances of his first semester and mine. I ended up unlatching him because I did not want to waste time even though he said he was always there to listen.
Plus, off-campus girl and her bf told me he was bad news and never really cared about me and just wanted me for sex. Which did not make any sense to me with his issues and my personal issues. But I listened to her and stopped contacting him.
Then the fraternity began to harass me again which led to suicidal thoughts and feelings of loneliness. So i ended up telling my dad I was molested by my uncle which he had a stress induced heart attack and I felt like I had no one to talk to and missed talking to Tinder Boy. So I DMed Tinder Boy on Instagram over spring break. We talked everyday and off-campus girl continued to monitor all of our messages to decode and try and understand what he wanted (I am terrible about this). She helped me through spring break but would always say he seems interested even though we defined ourselves as friends (very confusing).
The messages began to become more flirtatious so I was confused again but did not really mind. Off-campus girl wanted me to define it because I was "annoying" her with questions about what to say. Which led to her sending a message basically saying i wanted a relationship and that his mixed signals and denial for my love were not okay which just sounds a little out there since he defined us as friends.Plus i did not what I wanted, I am kind of a free spirit so I do not know if I am even ready to be that close with someone which is frustrating. After this, Tinder Boy began to keep asking me to open up and we would fight everyday because I would question his intentions. And that was wrong, but I did that because the last man who tried to help me raped me when I told him about my grandma.
Because we fought everyday I would get upset and so would he so I began to open up to him. I told off-campus girl right before Easter and she was mad saying it was unhealthy, how he was using me for sex, and that I shouldn't talk to him because I liked him. And that night I ended up sobbing because I am so afraid of him rejecting me for drama like ex did so i never gave Tinder boy a chance. We got into a huge fight about opening up and I told off campus girl and she texted me saying she texted him and that it was so savage and to the point. I was pretty mad and he ended up being "done with me" which made me livid and she told me she would send me the message. She refused and dropped the convo which made me think something was sketchy.
I cried about this because I just wanted to explain things to him in person so i texted him a week later. And he told me there's nothing i can do because I insulted his moral character, lashed out at him, and treated him like he was the "anti-christ". I was so upset because I missed talking to him so I asked off-campus girl what she said and she told me it does not matter. I was really mad at her and began becoming closer with my roommate and her friends. They believed all of this was sketchy too and did not want me to keep going over there. And tbh I couldn't between classes, sessions every week, and friends in my dorm I did not see her anymore.
During finals week, she contacted me asking me to hang out unfortunately i was out of town and working on a final project I had not seen her in weeks. Because of this we scheduled a lunch at the campus diner, I met up with her and as I we walked to the booth she told me Tinder boy, her bf, and this guy slut shames me were there.
Tinder boy opened with why did you tell me your ex raped you. And i immediately was shocked that a. he was there and b. that he interpreted it that way I told him I never said that and to show proof. Since all we did was text each other he told me it was too far to scroll (mind you off-campus girl read through every message we ever sent so she would've called me out or questioned it). He proceeded to ask me to tell him the truth. The three continued to yell over my responses, I told him I haven't even told my own father everything and that I struggle in general but he was hurt because I wasn't open and honest with him (lied to him even though I did not). Then after I tell them of the rape, her bf asks "Are you a virgin?" I responded technically no and all of them told me I was wrong. How can you tell someone they are wrong and ask them if they know what consensual sex is and tell me I can only give my virginity when I feel like something was taken from me.
I began to explain my assault and childhood to them. Off-campus girl told me there's no way the bathroom thing happened and theres no way i reported it or that my ex and his frat harass me. she had Tinder boy agree with her on this. I was upset so went into my rape where they told me someone would have noticed and that my parents would not put me in that environment even though they have never met them. Off-campus girl pretended to be my bff and convinced tinder boy that she had never thought this throughout school even though we were merely classmates. They she went onto say anyone can make up this stuff especially the scars from the abuse. She then said I know your mom and she would not put you around your grandma (she met her once at Panera for 20 minutes). They then told me I had to tell my father even though they had no idea of my dad's medical history or family history with this brother. It ended with them talking about my promiscuous phase first semester and how I have not changed. But I have, I did not want to do that anymore because I really liked Tinder boy because he was genuinely nice to me. Now he hates me, because of her telling him lies and manipulating him when i would not give her updates on my life.
Well i went back to her house and she pissed me off the whole time, explaining that she wanted another intervention. And how bad I messed up with Tinder Boy so I ended up leaving a sobbing. I contacted her telling her she crossed lines, had no right to say the things she did about my family, for planning with Tinder Boy behind my back, and for getting involved with someone without my permission. She dismissed my feelings telling me I did not learn. which ultimately led to resurfacing my suicidal thoughts that occurred back in December and I tried to OD until dorm girl saw me attempt and we talked.
That's when I decided to tell my parents because I thought I would get Tinder Boy and off-campus girl back in my life if i listened. When I told my dad he flipped and told his family who accused me of lying so my uncle (rapist) gets taken off the will and they began leaving confrontational notes and visiting my grandmother (dad's side) more in spite of my "lying". They told me no one will ever believe me because I was just like my father. This led to my dad who has T1 diabetes having episodes which led to us calling 911 and multiple occasions and him getting pulled over and taken in an ambulance. I just feel really guilty and alone he cannot even look me in the eye and off-campus girl told a bunch of people at home about the intervention and lied saying I kew about it, that tinder boy started it, and about stuff being said. She knows what she did was wrong and I even contacted boy for the messages but he won't respond.
I just feel so alone and want all this drama to stop. The person who was helping me heal the most is no longer in my life because of off-campus girl's manipulation. With him I could actually be myself and try and let my guard down and I just want him back in my life. He was easy going and always gave good advice until she made him mad at me because he's hurt since i "lied to him". I do not know what to do I am working right now and trying to stay busy but i feel like no one believes me at home, school, or in my own family. And i wish I could change things with Tinder Boy because he helped me when no one else was really there and was genuinely good but he's so trusting that he believed off-campus girl. Telling my dad just hurts him more and my mom brushes off the rape and child abuse because that's family and she does not want to air out "dirty laundry".
Does anyone have a similar experience? I am sorry this is so long but I do not know what else to do.
