Love vs lust and everything in between

[Mach123]

do you know what the thought process was before it snuck up on you? was it like casual.... like "this is nice." and then one day it was five years later?
or was it like...... meh, whatever and then 5 years later you were like 'oh i guess i love this guy?'
like did u notice the difference between being friends, good friends then falling in love/loving him?

so, if it fades and you're not left with deeper feelings......


are you being absolutely literal here?
every decision ive ever made has a thousand doubts and im constantly second guessing myself.... even like "whats for lunch?" decisions.

do you consider what you have as real love? cuz ive read some of your other posts and there seems to be a lot of doubt and second guess in there before you're like "eh, is what it is" kinda thing

not trying to be a dick... just wondering how absolute you mean this to be.


this could just describe a really good friendship couldn't it?

i guess im looking for whats the difference between a good friendship and the next step - loving someone.

i dunno- so i think i feel emotions, good and bad ones, really intensely.

when/if you're dissociating and isolating and feeling nothing.... does it mean you didn't/don't love them?
can it come and go like that?

yeh, i know im probably being like super daft and extra difficult..... just trying to figure it out.

should it even be this confusing?

You aren't. I like you, I have read enough of you also to feel like I have a picture of you? IDK how else to say it.

Yes, I consider it's real love. I understand how it sounds but that's how it is with people. I ebb and flow and sometimes I'm real down and that effects my writing. We are human. There is no perfect. There is no sure thing. One of us could've become sick or died in an accident.

The point is we swore and the sum total of the whole thing is we are only as good as our word.

So I look at it like quitting something. Everyone is familiar with that. When I quit a thing for real I don't go back. I was in my twenties when I came upon this. No means no. I love you means I have to do anything and everything not to give you anything else.

The rub is I will. I will give her "not love" and I have and I will again sadly.

To forgive is divine. Not quite there yet. I believe in it though? I always have.

You asked me is it real love and you read me and I appreciate that. It's been thirty years and sick children and the death of parents and on and on.

If it's not real love, it'll do till real love comes along. I didn't mean to be a jerk either but I say what I said to you to myself. Often.

 

[Freida]

do you know what the thought process was before it snuck up on you? was it like casual.... like "this is nice." and then one day it was five years later?

meh, whatever and then 5 years later you were like 'oh i guess i love this guy?'

Kind of. I was really shut down when we met but I knew I liked being around him. When we were together I felt calm and like someone gave a crap about me. I didnt make it easy - I was way to used people bailing when the saw the "real" me but every time I looked up he was still there. And, I still felt the same way. Falling in love happened pretty quickly. Me admitting I was in love took longer.

like did u notice the difference between being friends, good friends then falling in love/loving him?

I think a successful relationship has to have a strong friendship foundation because there are times you will just hate each other just for breathing! :laugh: but if you have a solid base it's easier to get past those bad times because you have that deeper history to keep you grounded

so, if it fades and you're not left with deeper feelings......

grounded
Nope. You're backwards. What fades is the puppy dog like excitement that you start out with...the whole "we're together oh yay oh yay!!!! ". That's just hormones. What you are left with is a much deeper feeling of having someone in your life that makes you want to be a better person and fills your life with a quiet joy and contentment.

should it even be this confusing

Th
oh God yes. :laugh: love is totally confusing for people without trauma. For those of us with it? It really doesn't make sense because we don't think people are capable of loving us in the first place

when/if you're dissociating and isolating and feeling nothing.... does it mean you didn't/don't love them?
can it come and go like that?

Not quite but sort of :laugh:
When I'm isolating or dissociated I don't feel anything about anyone. The love is still there, it's just kind of buried. Once I come out It's back. Think of it like putting on a winter coat over a t shirt. When the coat is zipped up you don't see the shirt. But it's still there. Same with love. It can some times be hidden, but that doesn't mean it's gone

 

[Friday]

Lust = I want your body.
Love = I want you.
Romantic Love = I want you, your body, and your life entwined with mine.

 

[Lionheart]

I do not have a significant other at this time so I will keep this short. I am an old hippie and to my mind, love is a lifestyle, it is a choice, a decision, and an action. To me, it is all the things that others have mentioned and more...

When it comes right down to it we must find out what love means to our potential mate for that is the most important information we can have. For me, love that doesn't include respect and kindness should not be called love.

Lust usually indicates a strong sexual desire and can come along with love or not.

Ok, I am done. Thanks for letting me share.

 

[Ronin]

I like the in betweens, reliability, shared life paths.

Forms the click takes, I'd rather not box in by woords.

 

[MrMoonlight]

Lust = want more for yourself
Love = want more for the other

 

[LuckiLee]

Well said, @MrMoonlight!

 

[Justmehere]

Lust biochemically wears off around 18 -24 months. BBC NEWS | Health | Sex chemistry 'lasts two years' Attachment develops over time - but it can be unhealthy trauma bonded attachment, and that's not the same as love. How Love Changes Over Time: From Lust To Attachment, Chemically Speaking

I think love is when you care about the other person for who they are, not what they can do for you or just how they make you feel. I personally believe love is demonstrated by actions. There is the old saying that, "Love is patient, love is kind..."

 

[shatter eyes]

I like to know also. Is love when you miss and care for the person? U dont mind their farts? If they are hurt you drop everything and do whatever it takes to be there? When the both of you can joke around with ones dark twisted humor and not get mad? Is love forgiveness if one cheats? Is love jealously or a hint of it?

Lust for my was a high and many of my relationships started in lust. However, the TBI blew my sexy fuse and I just dont have the desire or emotional stimulation to be a horny toad. ribbit ribbit.

I was told (note i been told many kinda messed things about life and mighr be sarcasm but since i have aspergers i take things literal), i was told the ones you love you cannot live with and they ones you can live with cannot be loved.

Honestly, in this day of technology and skewed social sense of entitlement mixed pursuit rat race life i wonder how is it possible to love and be loved. Living in the city i see people i know keep their cellphones longer than their lovers.

Lust to me is the attracting energy in the separate atoms waiting to bind and bond bang blow nuclear fusion..repeat until reaction chain is disrupted....then atom seeks new molecule. Unstable atoms. Love is stable low volatility non nuclear strong linked bond.

Does love expire? Have i loved before? I think I have...but then people overuse the words I love you.

Anyways thanks for asking a great question. Koodos to all those who have a loving partner too.

 

[somerandomguy]

I really don't think I know very much about this topic, but some of your questions made me think, @shatter eyes.

Is love when you miss and care for the person? U dont mind their farts? If they are hurt you drop everything and do whatever it takes to be there?

Missing and caring sound like love. A loving partner might slip into another room to fart if they know that farting will bother their partner. For the last one, "hurt" has to be defined. Extreme physical hurt - of course I will meet you at the hospital. Emotional hurt, maybe we can talk about it later.

When the both of you can joke around with ones dark twisted humor and not get mad?

Sure, probably.

Is love forgiveness if one cheats?

Cheating on someone you've made a commitment to is not loving and forgiveness is not a requirement in that case.

Is love jealously

Jealousy isn't a loving emotion if unprompted. If prompted, your partner may not be acting in a loving manner.

the ones you love you cannot live with and they ones you can live with cannot be loved.

That sounds like what people who are frustrated in their relationships say. Very little truth in that for many of us.

Of course, we are all human and there are many ways to love. Socially acceptable "love" may not work for some people. Love doesn't mean you will never be hurt. Loving partners are invested in repairing the hurt.

 

[talon]

So basically- how you tell if you love someone? Romantically, not like family love.

I know it's different for everyone and I'm not asking for any philosophical discussion or theories on what love is.
I want to know from people who have or have had SO's that they love- how do you know?

Someone once told me there's a difference between love and being in love.
Have you noticed that?
Do you have to be 'in love' first before you can love?

When I first met my ex-wife I think i fell in love but... i was 15 and looking back now I'm not sure it was love or just lust back then.

And i married her later because we had a kid together and it was practical and i said at the time, probably believed, i loved her. But I'm not really sure.

And what's the difference between in love with and puppy love? and what else is in between loving someone and puppy love and lust?

I feel like it's probably a continuum.
Ancient Greek has like 6 words for love with Agape being pure love for god and familial love and intimate love etc..

But I'm talking just about romantic or intimate love.
I've googled stuff... nothing helpful.

Guess I'm kinda looking for practical examples... maybe?
Or if you've loved or been in love with a SO how did you first realize you loved them?

confusing, sorry.
Any help would seriously be great.

You will not always find the answers by googling it because in the 21st century there are so many reasons why it is increasingly difficult to understand what love is and marriage is undervalued and undermined and seen as old fashioned and there are so many external pressure from many with a political agenda. In my Generation it was easier . We were not sexualised as children and love was an attraction and maybe infatuation with someone until maturity brings more of an understanding . Making love was a special romantic moment showing affection and demonstrating that in a respectful way . Often today making love may mean sex without any emotional commitment and lust may replace this. There is so much pressure from the media so much that questions our understanding . You hear in showbiz of a star who has numerous affairs because he is a wealthy icon then suddenly he falls ill and all the beautiful women who followed him and on his death bed the woman who understands love is there holding his hand . Then you understand that love is about being there for someone through the good and bad for better or worse . Sadly that has become for many an old fashioned image and why we see less of people celebrating their 6o yrs together as eternal lovers and even carers for our loved ones . That to me is what love means . Marriage is a fine institution and marriage does not go wrong people do . Its a balance great sex lust even is a part of it but not the whole because your love should also be your best friend

I like to know also. Is love when you miss and care for the person? U dont mind their farts? If they are hurt you drop everything and do whatever it takes to be there? When the both of you can joke around with ones dark twisted humor and not get mad? Is love forgiveness if one cheats? Is love jealously or a hint of it?

Lust for my was a high and many of my relationships started in lust. However, the TBI blew my sexy fuse and I just dont have the desire or emotional stimulation to be a horny toad. ribbit ribbit.

I was told (note i been told many kinda messed things about life and mighr be sarcasm but since i have aspergers i take things literal), i was told the ones you love you cannot live with and they ones you can live with cannot be loved.

Honestly, in this day of technology and skewed social sense of entitlement mixed pursuit rat race life i wonder how is it possible to love and be loved. Living in the city i see people i know keep their cellphones longer than their lovers.

Lust to me is the attracting energy in the separate atoms waiting to bind and bond bang blow nuclear fusion..repeat until reaction chain is disrupted....then atom seeks new molecule. Unstable atoms. Love is stable low volatility non nuclear strong linked bond.

Does love expire? Have i loved before? I think I have...but then people overuse the words I love you.

Anyways thanks for asking a great question. Koodos to all those who have a loving partner too.

Yes when you are comfortably in love you don't need to act as if you are starting out and showing yourself warts and all is a part of being comfortable in each others company

 

[Deanna]

So basically- how you tell if you love someone? Romantically, not like family love.

Real love takes time for me. My partner that died, I knew 5 years before we ever went out. The relationship took another two years of romance and trusting each other. We had 7 years invested before we fell " in love". I think I really knew in 6 years. It was really hard on me when he died.

New boyfriend was 4 1/2 years of getting to know, trust and all that before we really feel in ?.

The answer is time for me and since you are PTSD ( I'm new to comment on you're threads so I'm assuming you're PTSD) the answer is time. Time to gain trust.