Moving On From Financial Abuse

[anthony]

This has also been coupled with years of sexual, physical and emotional abuse.

Yes, that changes my view. Thank you. Financial withdrawal is a stressor, not a trauma or abuse, though will perpetuate existing issues due to abnormally traumatic events you've endured.

 

[The Albatross]

Eh yeah, but you didn't have to go home though. You chose to for your own motives.

"I have been thinking over something lately. I am a recent college graduate with loan payments sitting over my head. Quite wonderfully I have been accepted into graduate school and will be going in the fall. For the short time between my graduation and graduate school I have decided to live at home with my parents to save money, see my dogs, and get my things from the house before I move out. "

Graduate school, chose to move home to "see her dogs" (huh?) and save money and "get her things". Before she moved out.

The obvious thing here would have been not to go back to an abusive situation, however, she wanted to save money. Sadly in this case, you get what you didn't pay for.

 

[intothelight]

parents are financially abusive. How much money I receive is based on how much I "respect" them. At times for my lack of "disrespect" they have threatened to beat me, kick me out of the house, and not allow me to eat as well as they have forced me to pay back for things such as food and medicine.

I am going to say that your parent's are not being "financially" abusive, they are using money as a way to control. From a parental perspective, if I am providing and you are living in my house, the house rules apply. They aren't up for negotiation and everyone knows what they are. What I expect in regard to financial responsibility is also clearly stated. It is up to my children to choose to comply or not. If they chose not to, then the results are also clearly stated. But they don't include being beaten, not having food, etc. Honestly, I have asked two of my young adult children to leave because their behavior was disrupting my life to a point it was damaging.

Yes, you have a right to any funds that are legally yours. But to expect financial support from your parents after a certain age is a gift, not a right. You are an adult and have to make the choice whether you can live with their terms or not. If you chose to do so, then you have to live with the consequences.

My advice to you, if the environment is abusive, get out. No amount of money is worth your physical or mental health. Graduate school does not have to be done on a full time basis and you can always work and go part time. May not be the easiest path financially or may lengthen the amount of time for your degree, but it may be the best option given the circumstances.

 

[JiHyo]

I do understand where people are coming from where they are saying you chose to do this and your parents are not being abusive. However, I think to say for a fact that they are doing this when you are not living in it and are going off of a few posts I have put on the internet is not enough.

Financing me does not mean just giving me money. It means allowing me to eat, it means driving me to the woods and telling me to sleep there for the night. It means having me repeat the words that I am a terrible daughter if I do want to eat or sleep in my bed for the night. It means writing an apology about how f*cked up I am in order to get the money my pop-pop left to me.

For the "you chose to live there" comments. I find this highly insensitive. It is far easier to say, well if you are around it you chose to be there. Yes, at a base level I did, but there are highly coercive factors. If I cut off my parents right now, I would not see my younger sister. I would not get my bonds, I would have left my passport, social security code, and financial information all with them when they would have been upset with me. Is there no sympathy for understanding why someone would think that putting up with abuse for a few months and figuring out how to leave with a lot more resources behind her back is logical?

And if not, for those who are not trying to understand, not trying to see how labeling my situation from their point of view is insensitive, then I do not wish to take it. And if you mention that well you are on a message board you should understand that these posts will be made and people voice their opinions. I do understand, and I am free to voice myself in response and take their advice how I will.

 

[JiHyo]

Actually, I have learned something. I should vet before I join a forum.

Because I came on here asking for advice. Instead I got met with a prove it.

This is the same attitude I met with when I was raped and was asking for someone to understand or asking someone what should I do. Instead I got, well I won't believe it happened unless you tell me. That isn't rape, that is something else.

I shouldn't have to prove that I am being abused for people to listen to me. It is not something I have to display like dirty laundry so that people will stop telling me what happened to me and actually listen and help instead.

I am posting this to express my upset, but I am not looking at the responses.

 

[Pencil]

I'll respond anyway.

I do understand how difficult it would be for you to go out into the world and fight, compete, participate, etc, after having gone through abuse.

 

[The Albatross]

I apologize for my tone. I took exception to "financial abuse", not the events that you may be experiencing. I also know that there was no way on God's green earth, having left my abusive family or first marriage that I'd ever go back unless I didn't have a choice.

Perhaps that is the case for you, you didn't have a choice. Sometimes I am too literal and when you began the topic with "I've been thinking something over lately...." it struck me as odd that you focused on the financial aspect and your parents insistence for respect... rather than the abuse you have actually been experiencing in the home.

I sincerely apologize for the incredulous and reactive posts. You are right, you do not have to prove anything to anyone. That being said, in order to get out of a physically/emotionally/sexually abusive first marriage I literally left everything except some clothes, a car, a clock radio, my pillow and some blankets, and a lamp. I was willing to do that to be free from my abuser. I didn't make the same decision you have. I started all over independently.

 

[Red Feather]

I can very much relate to your situation. I think the fear of being without money can be such a factor at times, that people would sacrifice other things that shouldn't be sacrificed. One example is my mother, she is abusive to me. But was severely abused as a child, and does not have very good boundaries. Several years ago, she started a relationship with a married man who was sending her money. I caught on to the abusive and controlling aspect of what she was doing, and tried to get her to stop. But she didn't know how to survive without the money. Finally she did get out of that relationship. And it was scary for her.

So that is my take on this, it is not only stress. But usually people stay in an abusive relationship because the person considers something to be more important than self worth. In my case, I was just damned scared of being left alone. When my ex kicked me out suddenly, I had no choice but to see in the dangerous position I was in. I think this was very traumatic for me, and one of the biggest traumatzing aspect was that I was forced to leave my children in the timeframe of 10 minutes. I think if I had the chance to think through it, and discuss the best solution, things would have been a lot different. That time, I didn't have.

In your case, it may not make sense to compare. Because physical danger, is what it is. But also, you mentioned your sister. And I can consider this to be a very important concern of yours.

 

[Red Feather]

And I also would just like to say that you did not mention the amount of sexual and physical abuse you are experiencing in your first posts, and this changes the situation drastically. So, it might have been confusing. I'm sorry you got offended, and I hope you find the support you need.

 

[anthony]

Financing me does not mean just giving me money. It means allowing me to eat, it means driving me to the woods and telling me to sleep there for the night. It means having me repeat the words that I am a terrible daughter if I do want to eat or sleep in my bed for the night. It means writing an apology about how f*cked up I am in order to get the money my pop-pop left to me.

These things are not financial abuse. They are abuse and dominance type issues.

Nobody actually has a right to feed you, I hope you understand this. If you think someone paying for your food is a right, then you're wrong. That is a privilege if someone is doing that for you. Parents make their children do choirs for the privileges they receive, nothing new there.

Other aspects you're mentioning are just outright abuse, no doubt about it. But it has nothing to do with money, which you seem to have linked it to. Either you're confused OR you're trying to push an agenda for awareness of financial abuse, yet the things you mention are just abuse, and not financial.

Once you're over 18, no parent or guardian have any legal obligation to support you in any method. None. Everything beyond there is a privilege, not a right. The only financial abuse I can see in your entire story, is the withholding of money that is rightfully yours. If that is the case, then you need to seek legal help to get that money back, by proving to a lawyer locally that the money is rightfully your own. That sole aspect falls under financial abuse... the rest is just abuse, and you could even stick it under emotional abuse, which it seems primarily, and any physical abuse obviously if present.